Type what you're thinking about right now (11)

[Amara 94]

I had a manipulative friend in an old workplace. I use to think she was Narcissistic but now I wonder if she had Borderline. Idrk tbh.

[anxiouslondoner]

How can I expect anyone to like me when I'm not even a person? There's nothing there to like.

[Dougella]

^ You seem very much like a person and likeable to me.

[Amara 94]

It’s confirmed that the neighbours, ones that don’t seem to allow the cat in, don’t like us. Before I suspected it but the other day I kept a parcel for them and gave it to them when they came. Now I see a sign saying to give the parcel to other houses but not ours if they aren’t there.

And they are Black, I’m Black myself. But it does to show discrimination doesn’t only happen with race.

[Amara 94]

Success is the best revenge

[Merritt]

^^ I think maybe we spend so much time worrying about what's wrong with ourselves, we don't consider enough how weird other, seemingly 'normal', people can be. Sounds like really strange and ungrateful behaviour from your neighbour there.

Originally Posted by anxiouslondoner

How can I expect anyone to like me when I'm not even a person? There's nothing there to like.

Oof. I agree with Dougella, you seem like a likeable person to me, but I totally relate to the feeling. I genuinely don't feel like there's actually a 'me' underneath all the learned behaviour and pretensions. And it's bizarre to think I'm supposed to want and know how to attract people (proper, real people) to that void.

[Amara 94]

^Yes true, now I wonder if it's the area I live in, my neighbour especially that adds to my depression. But I am not a victim I was, I think before as I had thoughts that maybe I am not a good person but think my neighbours behaviour is sneakily manipulative but now that I know I can probably do something about it.

[choirgirl]

I'm miserable and that's the truth of it.

IP - didn't quite grasp the whole cat story, but they seem like arseholes.

AL - you seem like a person to me.

It turns out most of my 'personality' seems to be ADHD (and possibly autistic) traits and coping strategies. Roleplaying a normal person has not gone well and has become harder over time.

[Amara 94]

Originally Posted by choirgirl

I'm miserable and that's the truth of it.

IP - didn't quite grasp the whole cat story, but they seem like arseholes.

I made a thread on it.

Why are you miserable? You don’t have to fit the ‘typical’ person box to be happy.

[Toxic]

I can't believe my xmas break is off.

I had all these things to deal with "its fine I'll sort them next year"

Now next year is here..going back to bed is looking mighty appealing...

[Perhaps]

Depression/misery.
going to bed not looking forward to a new day, waking up horribly depressed, repeat.
such a beautiful life!

[Amara 94]

Just took an online test stating that I probably don't have dyspraxia. Not much of a surprise tbh as I have been part of a dyspraxia group on Facebook and didn't seem to have certain problems such as constant bruising, bad handwriting like most people in the group seemed to have.

However I think the problem with when you have a few noticeable traits of a disorder it can be confusing as people and yourself expect you to act and respond typically in certain situations so you build shame from not reaching that expectation and feel somewhat wrong or different.

For example, in Kitchen porter jobs I've been noticeably slow, not very slow, but slower than most other porters. The same for some warehouse jobs. I remember in a cleaning job I was noticed for working slow. This made me feel there must be something wrong with me coupled with the communication difficulties so always being a loner at work.

[Amara 94]

The first time I think I have seen dyspraxia in the spell check, signs that there is more awareness.

[choirgirl]

^^^^^Well, predictably I was feeling quite chipper and fond of my family yesterday, so I didn't come on to moan. But I have been miserable about some things for many years, there has been an accretion of misery and disappointment. And the crushing regrets of middle age. Crushing Regrets. And I am angry and there's nowhere for that to go, a)yes I am a stereotypical angry lesbian, and b)I am getting dangerously close to the Karen age, although I do not take out my anger on customer service employees! And, I don't want to mansplain minority stress, but the more minorities you're in, the more tiring it all becomes. It makes me want a nap whenever I think about it all, because I'm old. And of course there are penalties for not fitting in. It all becomes tiring, you have to have more about you to have an equally good life, and I have less about me.

Re dyspraxia, if I have this, it's mild. But even mild deficiencies can lead to real problems. I am glad I am capable of things like bike riding and driving and what have you. Not being able to do those things is rather inconvenient.

AL and others: On being a person, is this a longstanding feeling, or a result of Covid? Because it seems that if you have very little human interaction, and possibly it's even worse if you don't have pets, then it seems that people very quickly lose a sense of being a person. I see it as a hierarchy - the deep, authentic connection, if you don't have much or any of that, then it erodes your soul very, very slowly over a period of many years. If you have no warm human interaction, or very little human interaction at all, it can all happen very quickly indeed, it's more like having insufficient food as opposed to some vitamin deficiency or mild gut problem. I'm just making this up of course.

[Merritt]

^ I think that's very true, what you say about the effects of isolation. I tend to dismiss it as a problem because, I reason with myself, I've got video games and telly and books to pass the time with, right? Got a roof over my head, I don't go hungry. Mustn't grumble. But a lack of meaningful human contact is deprivation of something that can't be compensated by little luxuries and comforts. It's an almost primal need. And it's no wonder when someone goes a bit bonkers without it, or has their sense of self twisted out of shape to cope.

For me, it's something that definitely predates all the Covid business. I'm not sure whether the last year's made it easier or harder. More isolation than usual, but it's contextualised, everyone's in the same boat, and ultimately there's a good reason for it. I don't know.

[choirgirl]

^Yes, I agree. It's not as absolutely essential as it is for children, but it makes sense it is a primal need, given that we evolved in groups.

[Amara 94]

Why does my mum always have the need to be right? Even if I’ve told her something before and she never listened but then was told by someone else she would act like I never told her and assume I did the thing. She accused me of putting oil down the sink despite the fact that I told her that we shouldn't put oil in the sink before.

I’ve seen this pattern too much.

And if I stand up for myself rather than actually discuss she tries guilt tripping me with things such as “You need a doctor.” As a teen “Why can’t you stand up to your classmates like that.” Also commented how I should show more love and stuff on Mother’s Day. With my sister, she is super passive.

She has always treated me as if I am not okay as a person I think this is a major reason I grew up to be anxious and feel socially awkward.

Now that I can see her guilt games, though I don’t think she does it on purpose, I’m not giving into it again. She has communication issues, I do as well, but I notice she has a listening problem and always needs to be right.

[anxiouslondoner]

^^^^ thanks. I don't know, the more time I spend away from people the more difficult it is to enjoy being around them but I do feel like I'm missing something without really knowing what it is. I feel like I'm retreating into myself but I'm bored of my own company, just being my own echo chamber leaves me feeling like a calved iceberg, sailing off into empty water and melting away to nothing.
I don't really know how to express it at the moment.

[choirgirl]

^Hm. I wonder if it's about the quality of the connection in part? Spending time around people without really connecting can get tiring.

[Rocket Spud]

^ Are you sure it's not just bad breath??

What colour is it?

[anxiouslondoner]

Does anyone else find themselves reanalysing their old messages and posts repeatedly, trying to decide if they were funny/rude/stupid/inane, to the point of paranoia?
I really should stop myself from doing this. It's obsessive.

[Rocket Spud]

Originally Posted by Kooky Monster

^

Pink with hints of rainbow glitter. What do you think that means?

Well, if i were a doctor, i'd say you'd have two months!

[Rocket Spud]

... Maybe both.. ?

Are you occupying much more space? Finding it difficult to get around your home?

[Rocket Spud]

Well, if you are transforming into a dragon then you really ought to think about moving to a more suitable residence, so many cases of people leaving it too late and ... occupying too much space

[Rocket Spud]

........ I don't think you've thought this through. Do you really want to be remembered as someone who just wanted a warm arse??

[newbs16]

I'm thinking about how cold it's been recently.

[Rocket Spud]

I've just spent far too long wondering if it were to actually happen Think i need to go for a walk...

[choirgirl]

I've posted jaw-dropping amounts of cringe on here this year. Sorry guys. The pandemic is not helping. I do on occasion venture out into the world outside my bubble, go to places, occasionally meet new people; I've even seen a few therapists here and there. So I probably would have been doing those things.

A friend of mine wants to meet up for a socially distanced walk, saying, I always cheer her up. You can't believe it, can you?

[Professor Willow]

I'm starting to think that getting Covid is now inevitable, there was a time when I thought it could be possible to get through the pandemic without catching it but now it's out there running riot.

[Rocket Spud]

^ You may have already had it.

Originally Posted by Kooky Monster

I'm imagining the size and shape of the coffin I'd need. Maybe I need to go for a walk too

I went for a walk and i haven't thought about dragons since (though it's not stopped me thinking about arses).