Still Hurts.

[ßazzaOld]

Im still having a hard time coming to grips with this. Theres alot to write because it isnt a simple thing for me.

I still feel extremely confused over why my ex decided to push me out of her life. I cant get any decent explanation from her as she just ignores me.. so its futile asking. I dont want to focus this on being my own insecurities of being single as I simply dont believe that to be the case. I miss her because I love her. Even if I hate her bitterly for how she has chosen to treat me in this matter I cant change what I feel.

I need to explain that last year I broke up with her for a long time, months, because the relationship sucked. She never around and didnt use her brain to inform me when she couldnt be. Anyway I left and was much happier for it! Didnt feel all that stress and negative emotion.

Anyway when she 'finally' realised I even dumped her because she such a twit she wanted me back. At which point I was already 'sortof' dating someone else so I dismissed my ex. Both because I didnt want to be hurt anymore and because I was kinda off limets. Anyway she kept at me untill she convince me things be better. I still loved her and wanted her. It wasnt a matter of if I did or not it was a matter of the relationship sucked.

I decided to give it another chance.. Things were good for a long time, months, but then I became stressed over unrelated things in my life. At about the same time she also became very distance again. So while I admit I wasnt on my best behavier sa wise, stressed out about certain things I didnt need her making it worse for me. I didnt need her to ignore me whenever she couldnt be bothered to reply for days.

At this point my 21 first birthday was approaching and for SOME reason we began argueing, she began ignoring me, which doubled my stress. Being ignored over a phone makes me very insecure when its my partner. And yes I was being 'ignored' for days or more. With lousy replies eventually. So after a few weeks of this intense crap I had to deal with from her and my birthday approaching I became very frustrated. A bigger arguement happened at which point seemed to really end at that point.

My birthday was probably the most miserable day of my life, my fvcking 21st because she ignored me the whole day. Its a long distance relationship, we couldnt be together that day anyway, but I expect fvcking text atleast eh. That really really pissed me off that it caused me a panic attack. Which is incredibly rare for me unless under very extreme emotional stress. That made things alot worse because.. I just couldnt handle things at that point. My sa overwelmed me. All my negative thoughts just took over. It ruined my day and took me weeks to recover from. Somehow! I managed to have an 'ok' day on the day itself because I was determined not to ruin it, but the weeks that followed I basically became a mess.

So here I am. I havnt let it ruin me and I continued to move forward in life from what I lost under those extreme circumstances. The only thing that has massively changed is the fact I was forced to quit college. ..I couldnt go out for a while..! She still doesnt talk to me and apparently dating someone else or something. Apparently she doesnt love me anymore.. which is bullshit because we were together 7 years. I know she didnt understand my panic attack and thought I was nuts or something. If her plan was cause as much disruption to my life as possible she succeeded.

Maybe its because I have mild aspergers but I dont fvcking understand why someone who spent MONTHS trying to convince me back would suddenly change her mind about her feelings. Things were GREAT when we got back together. She completely changed things around. We talked alot more and sex was incredible. I dont understand why someone just changes their mind when things were going so well. Cheating? Eh.. I donno. The confusion makes it really.. really difficult for me. I rather talk to her and part as friends who dont talk rather than have her just push me aside, ignore me.. and move on in life. =/ Thats jsut fvcking cruel and twisted. WE deserve a chance at being together since I just spent half my bloody life with her already. I took a chance at trusting her a second time, which I thought went well.

Apparently not. Even though I am slowly slowly moving on and dealing with those emotions I still just a clueless as I ever was. I had a random 'hi' on msn from her a few days ago which completely shook me. As she has ignored my texts, I only sent a few asking to talk or just a bloody response. She never replied so I eventually gave up. I ignored her on msn because I didnt know what to say but texted her later asking what she wanted. Wanted talk. (More like she was bored.) Anyway she gone back to ignoring me again. =/ Which is completely unfare eh..

If she could just talk long enough that we could depart friends and the never talk again I be very happy! Instead all im left with is confusion and negative feelings towards her. Someone I spent a good deal of my life with and all I got to show for it inside is negative feelings. If she could atleast talk I could get rid of those feelings and move forward much quicker.. Since its extremely unlikely we ever be together again I rather move forward as fast as I can. This confusion and probably my mild aspergers makes it almost impossible. At the least it will take an extremely long amount of time because I dont even know what went wrong.

This whole thing is bullshit. Im sorry I ever gave a second chance.

I try not hate people but what she has done is just cruel. Try to understand how being ignored makes an sa person feel! This is more intense due to fact I have strong feelings for the person. Makes me very anxious and she forces me into that position of feeling anxious! I feel like I do hate her for how she decided to treat me. Its been like two and a half months now but it hasnt gotten much easier. Most the time I feel 'ok' but sometimes it still hurts. Especially when she says 'hi' but then quickly follows to ignore any texts I send. =/ I actually presumed ages ago she changed her number but I discovered she hadnt when she replied that day. So I know she has gotten any texts I have sent.

I guess I basically want everyone to call her a bitch and tell me I could do better or something I donno.. It doesnt help much though. I feel better writing this but thats about it. Watching doctor who now.

[Grah08]

Is this with this other person on the forum, it sounded like you two got on very well? Are you sure she is ignoring you? Maybe just a wanting distance thing or something?

[ßazzaOld]

Nope im talking about my ex. Although there happens to be a conflict with a certain member at the moment this is unrelated to that. I will sort that problem out later when I decide what benefits me more. I have absolutely no idea if you just clutching straws or know something about that? Doesnt matter.

Its because my ex sent that message on msn saying 'hi' to me. Well.. not that but the fact she ignored me when I texted her later which kinda stirred things inside me.

Its very soul draining to think you moved on but then a sudden 'hi' can really just hits you in the stomache.

Tbh I didnt realise it was possible for her to send me a message so now she is blocked. Although she is ignoring me again now..! Why put myself through this again when she decides to randomly contact me. Cross fingers she dont text me because I really rather not change my number. I already did that twice.

I almost feel obsessed with her but at the same time I hate her and am trying to move on. She has a way of making me very very very very anxious. In a way that all my techniques dont work.

[Median]

I know you know this already, but Well when she couldnt get you she obviously wanted you more.
Theres also the attnetion invovled, whos chasing who.

But when you have the emotions for someone like that your extremely confused and sometimes cant do the right thing for you.

It cant be good for your SA right now.

[ßazzaOld]

Yeh I know. Its pretty obvious because she is also a very jealous woman. I wasnt really meant to talk to other women.

So of course.. the idea that I was with anyone else must of drove her nuts. I mean.. I wasnt even allowed to use porn or nothing because it made her jealous.

So she went overboard to get me back which funnilly enough 'did' improve things but.. meh she got bored again I guess.

Its harder the second due because I had something to lose. First time was easy.. it was crap.. second time.. It was my fvcking birthday for fvck sakes.

[ScrappyDoo]

She's a woman, what do you expect, she was probably to insecure to let you end the relationship so ended it herself. She's just a typical woman playing mind games, the moment she knew you were going to dump her she probably panicked and realised she didn't have anyone to fall back on, the moment you took her back she no doubt went out and found that someone else and probably doesn't need you anymore.

she doesn't sound that great anyway, she didn't even text you on your 21st, dude you have to have some self respect otherwise people will just walk all over you. Tell her to piss off next time she calls you, and go look for someone else, that's probably what shes been doing.

some women can't stand being alone, and will go out with ANYONE, like they can't function without a man, that's why she was probably so devastaed when you dumped her, not becuase she cared for you in anyway, I know many selfish bitches like that....I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.

[ßazzaOld]

No I partially agree lol. Except I know she cared. It was a '7 year' relationship. Alot happens in that time between two people.

The whole birthday thing is what makes it impossible to be together but I think what I am looking for is some sort of conclusion. Thats not worded right.. because it IS concluded but.. I want to part without all this hatred.

I mean.. she just kinda left me confused.. didnt even end it.. infact 'I' was the one to end because she was ignoring me but overall it was 'her' because she forced me to. I mean.. I had no choice.

I got respect but at the end of the day theres reasons why people act the way they do.. I dont understand why she is so willing to be hated rather than just talk matters over and settle thems. We dont have to talk again after that.. Meh whatever.

[ßazzaOld]

meh mm..

I think it could be years before I meet someone with mutual interest.

[Wheelie Bin Bird]

Bazza I've just tonight ended a nearly 13 and a half year relationship, it can be done hun. Never say never.

[diplodocus]

Bazza you know, this sounds really familiar to me. I went through something like this too. I split up with my gf of almost 9 years because she just wouldn't give me a straight answer what she wanted. What is up with these people? It's so frustrating when all you want is closure and some answers but they just give you the run around. Can't decide whether it's just some power trip or pure indeciveness on their part, probably a bit of both. I can deal with someone wanting to break up with me but not being told one way or the other is just maddening. It's pure selfishness on their part to keep someone hanging on like that at their expense.

The course of our relationship went through a similar pattern to yours. In the last year she grew distant and seemed to spend more time doing her own thing but when mentioned this it was always denied. In the end I just got fed up with her behaviour and ended it. But it still felt like she engineered it.

Then I carried on seeing her as a platonic friend (mistake no.2) but she was still messing me around. Being nice one minute and then ignoring me the next. Eventually she started seeing a guy who I just couldn't stand (she denied being aware of this, "But I thought you liked him?!?)) and I cut all ties with her. It was the best thing I ever did. It was only then that I realised that I was still, like it or not emotionally tied to her. Only once she was completely out of my life for good could I move on and start recovering completely. All the time I had some sort of fairytale notion that we'd be friends even after we broke up but I guess sometimes it just doesn't work out like that.

BTW Mistake no.1 was going out with her for that long. I really feel like I wasted my life away investing my energy in someone like that.

I think you've done the best you can. Just keep avoiding her and you'll get stronger and be able to resist her soul draining powers better than at the minute. Don't get too caught up trying to analyse what her motives were because more than likely she may not know herself!

[ßazzaOld]

Thankyou for that deeshow. It indeeds sounds familiar!

Its nuts though. Literally like handfull of weeks before things went serious wrong I remember her telling me she wanted to help me with my problems, to be more supportive, spend more time with me, make things better.. and stuff.

Fvcked up woman lol. Then she pretty much hurt me in a way that came across as cruel and twisted. Put me into a panic attack which I try not blame on her but tbh it was her fault..

I seriously doubt she didnt love me or meant what she said. I just dont understand why she then changed her mind.

It doesnt matter anymore. Whats she has done is unforgivable its I just I would of liked a better conclusion. I donno who even freakin ended it tbh. Thats how bad it was. I was the one to word it but it wasnt really 'me' who did it.

Its not worth thinking about though. Very Very nasty person imo.

7 years is the bugger lol. 9 makes me think you understand how much that can hurt.