Asking people

[ßazzaOld]

How would you go about asking people to spend time with you outside situations you would usually interact with them.

So lets say your working and you would like to ask someone to eat out somewhere on your lunch brake. I dont know if thats really acceptable tbh if you have known them for a long time and you never asked them before lol. Like you know them, you talk to them, but you never spent time with them outside of the usual situation you interact with them. To suddenly ask someone to meet up outside of work seems.. odd. I dont really know thats a false assumption but tbh if someone I had known for ages suddenly asked me that.. well.. I would think it a bit odd. I would be a bit surprised. I would probably still say yes though. *Shrugs*

Theres been something on my mind I been thinking about for a while now. I have been thinking about talking to someone about my problems, in a very thought out way I think would make more sense to a non sa person. I will discuss with them my thoughts, the causes, rather than mentioning anxiety straight away. Just mentioning anxiety gives people the wrong idea. I dont want my ego kicking in and start moaning about how crap my life is either so its important I approach this differently. Anyway thats not what I want to discuss here. What I want to know is how I should go ask this bloody person to get out of that 'work zone' into a environment I know I can freely talk to them. The rest is easy but its getting them away from there that I find difficult!

This person I trust as I have already indirectly talked about my problems. I have directly told her I would rather not discuss it in detail. I block her in the middle of conversations because I refuse to discuss it further. I know that I need to get her out of that environment first. Its a place I volunteer but she gets paid. The problem is I dont consider her a 'true' friend because we never spent time outside of that environment. She is simply a brilliant person I hang out with were I volunteer but never spend time with otherwise.

I have at moments wanted to ask if she would like to have lunch somewhere. At first thought it doesnt seem like a big deal.. but it is! I known her for like a year now.... It would simply be odd for me to suddenly ask this. I never seen her outside of the place lol. I dont know what her opinion on that would be. She has previously offered me a lift home a few times which was very generous but we never discussed meeting outside work.. The problem is she can sometimes be very busy when we are there. She never eats out of work that I have ever seen.. Since she is a assistant manager she can be busy alot of the time or atleast HAS to be there unless someone else with a similar rank is there. So its complicated me asking this. I dont even know if its possible. It may have to be at a time she doesnt work at all. Which makes me feel even more uncomfortable asking!

I want to talk though as I am disrespecting and being rude by blocking conversations. I know I can talk openly and the only thing holding me back is the environment, or rather I dont consider her a proper friend unless we meet up outside of that place. Until then I know I dont want to talk about it. Part of the reason is because as I said I dont consider her a 'true' friend until we meet outside of work. Its also partly because she is paid and gets told to do this or that, so the conversation could be interrupted. Its very likely to be interrupted. Which would be disastrous if I dont explain properly in the way I want. Slowly with questions, humour, the full works. If the conversation keeps getting interrupted theres the risk she wouldnt understand properly or me drifting off topic and start moaning about how crap my life was instead of achieving my goal. Its risky discussing such things without 'moaning' about it at the same time. Thats why saying 'I feel anxiety' is probably best avoided as its simply moaning tbh. Its better explaining the causes and then what it leads to. Explaining the causes is my goal I dont want sympathy by moaning about the results. Once she understands the causes she can help me with a couple of things. Thats why I want her to join in with me to help me progress further. Someone knowing about my problems who doesnt have sa could be incredibly insightful for me. I can ask her questions for situations I dont understand. Asking sa people is 'ok' but tbh I want someone who isnt mentally fvcked up. I can only truly learn from non mentally fcked up people to progress further.

Its getting ridiculous. We talk and its like im a wall to that person. She understands I refuse to talk about my deeper shite and has become used to it even if I am being rude by doing it. She probes me for answers but I block her out. Its not like I even mind talking about it but its just I want to get her out of that building first. I have learnt that its better to act normal but when she probes me it makes it extremely difficult for me to answer. I appear normal yet she knows I struggle.. but not exactly why that is. She knows I blame my problems on aspergers and such as an excuse but not why I dont open up about whatever else. She knows im a incredibly honest person about certain things but its a complete mystery when in a middle of a conversation I refuse to discuss it further and become a wall. Thats an ironic? problem with overcoming my problems. Im not meant to encourage them which means I shouldnt discuss them or atleast limit myself. I know that not discussing them I could never overcome them though! Nor could I help others.. Besides that she is asking to know why I am holding back, curious, why I blame my problems on other causes I have already admitted to being false as the main cause but rather just an excuse.

This isnt like I want to discuss my problems in a simple way. I do that in a non direct way anyway. I tell people I find it difficult to do this or that without much explanation needed. What I want to do here is to attempt to explain to someone the reasons I act certain ways and even why I use techniques that can be somewhat obvious. Like I try help people to enjoy their work more. Techniques I personally use. Im like.. so chilled.. so happy.. I enjoy my work.. enjoy life.. etc. Give advice to people how to improve their life.. how to relax.. how to also enjoy their work etc. :rolleyes: ..Or perhaps not all that but I try give advice when I can to certain people.

Ok... Getting on topic. Has anyone ever managed this. Whats the best way to handle this. Has anyone managed anything like this. Asking someone to spend time with you somewhere. More outside a work environment situation rather than asking a woman out in a pub. I mean someone you know and will have to meet often, just asking to do something with them outside of work or whatever.

Do I just need to grow bigger balls or what? I just want to meet her outside of work as friends you understand.. but its not easy asking when I have already known her for about a year and never previously asked. =S I donno.. Its a bit weird! And uncomfortable asking.. I dont know if I would be crossing a invisible line I shouldnt be crossing. If its acceptable or not. Its EASY saying 'yes go for it!' but seriously YOU try and do it. Its quite a disturbing thought when you go up to someone with the intention of asking to meet up somewhere outside of work.. It is for me. =S I can try fit it inside a planned out conversation for sure but that doesnt make it any easier.

So any advice on how you fvcking go about doint this??! Do I just need bigger balls and ask or what. I donno.. I just want her out of that building and somewhere I can talk freely by being able to trust her as a proper friend, without any confusion of the work environment.

[ßazzaOld]

Btw I do have a certain idea. I have talked to her previously alot about getting some fish of my own. She and her partner have loads of fish and know alot about them.

PERHAPS I could ask to go look at them.. where she lives.. =S but thats even weirder than asking to eat lunch out somewhere. I donno..

That ATLEAST gets me talking to her in an environment that isnt within work. It might help.. but tbh its just a chicken option it might be better to face this head on with a invitation to have lunch somewhere. If thats acceptable or not..

[-Simon-]

Personally, and this is probably very bad advice and the reason why I have no friends, I wouldn't risk it. If I had a work colleague I got on well with I wouldn't try to steer that relationship towards anything else, I think it would just happen naturally if it was going to at all. For me, there would be just too much to go wrong, if she took exception to your invitation it would create an awkward atmos at work. Enjoy your professional relationship and don't rock the boat is my advice but I'd be interested to hear what others say because I'm really not the world's expert at making friends, although I do have an insight into the manager's view of personal boundaries at work.

[Wol]

Three approaches come to mind:

1 Next time you talk and it gets to the point where you 'block', say "I feel uncomfortable talking about this at work would you like to lunch on ---day?"

2 Say "I appreciate you giving me lifts, can I treat you to lunch/drink/meal/"

3 Say, "would you like to go for lunch?"

I don't think there is much risk involved, she can always say sorry I don't get time for lunch.
I know it is not as easy as that really, but you can do it.

[hardy]

Not saying I wouldn't have similar thoughts to you , but Wols advice looks very sound.
I think we mainly hold back because we fear making a big " mistake " that will ruin our relationship . ( any sort of relationship , business , friendship or whatever). But none SAers are not as easilly upset as we are and won't think it "odd" . She will just subtly steer you where she wants to go ( or not go).

[hardy]

good point cow . And also it wouldn't be very friendly to just dwell on your problems . make sure that if youre talking about lifes struggles to ask her about hers too. EVERYONE has some problems.

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by ßazza

How would you go about asking people to spend time with you outside situations you would usually interact with them.

Ok, I have done this before and it can be as simple or as complicated as you make it.

I met a girl at work who I got on with and one day simply invited her for lunch in the local park with myself and another colleague (I was too nervous to go alone). We eventually ended up having lunch together alone sometimes, and we discovered there was a movie we both wanted to see but were too embarrassed to watch with other people, so we made arrangements to watch it one Saturday. So simple!

By the sounds of your situation, you are placing a lot of pressure on yourself to do this in a certain way so as to communicate about your SA in a very particular manner. Why not just work on getting to see this friend a little bit more outside of the work environment first, get comfy with that, then think about how you will reveal your thoughts. If you have stated that you do not wish to discuss your problems and she is still probing you about them then don’t waste energy worrying about how rude you are being by blocking her – you have already made your position clear.

If she is a busy person just give her enough advanced warning so you two can make a lunch appointment together. As for getting away from work, try using your time together at lunch to investigate any ideas for activities you could do together. Maybe there is something she needs help with at home, or some event or exhibition she would like to visit…? What sort of volunteering do you do? Perhaps that will give us some more ideas.

It is not 'odd' in any way, this is how non-sa people make friends.