Relationships, despite of SA??

kgls13349 · #1 17th January 2007, 21:06

Hello people,
ook im not sure how to word this so sorry if it doesnt make sense,
I have neever had a relationship in my entire life and i just feel so lonely, i talk to a couple of peple online who are pretty understanding but i want/need REAL company but becouse i am more or less petrified of going anywhere that has people around i never meet anyone, no friends let alone anything else

so i was wondering how many of you have partners and if so did u meet before you got SA or where did you meet? if you dont mind me asking)

Thanks ppl.

Ben · #2 17th January 2007, 21:23

Hi! I never had any romantic experience until about 6 years ago, when I was 26. I have had a few relationships since. These were all from initially (on line) friendships.

I think the best bet for someone in your position (cos it basically mirrors mine in my early 20's) is to develop friendships from a site like this. You will meet understanding people who will make you a little less fearful of interacting, and then step by step you can move into social situations you think are impossible at the mo.

There are many many ppl on this site who have gone on to succesful relationships and friendships. The secret is to keep trying and pushing yourself.

If you wanna chat, catch me at bmjfairlie@yahoo.com, if not good luck!!!

Cheers

Ben

Innervision · #3 17th January 2007, 22:12

I've been SA since I was a tiny kid, but I've been in relationships for most of the last 29 years. I met my first love in school. This relationship lasted 6 years. I met other people in clubs or through friends and relations ... mostly when I was drunk enough to suppress the anxiety. I could hardly get out of the front door when sober.

My current relationship started in college, and is 3 years long at present. I've never known what it is like not to have SA, so all my relationships were started despite the SA, rather than before the SA started.

Mr Ron Burgundy · #4 17th January 2007, 22:35

Ive had relationships in spite of SA, and in fact what brought me out of me worst period of depression and anxiety was forming a relationship with a girl i met online.

When i talked with someone i really clicked with, and who accepted me for who i was, it was incredibly empowering and it ended a long period (2 years) of reclusion for me, and starting to go out and work again.

Freespirit · #5 17th January 2007, 23:31

I too have never had a relationship. It is not such a big deal to me anymore, i want to put more focus on getting myself better and then i think it will happen when its the right time for it to happen in my life and who knows when that will be. *rushes god along a bit*

I do think you can have a relationship despite having SA and i think a relationship can be beneficial (have i spelt that right?) if it there as support as well as the romance. A girlfriend/boyfriend isn't going do disolve away your problems, in fact if you are in the wrong relationship it might amplify them. So i think having that initial basis and understanding on a friendly level is essential. If you feel your feelings jump in too quickly (which they may if you are lonely), take a step back and take a breather. I think if you look after yourself and progress with your own problems the relationship thing will work for you. Look for friendships first and who knows which one of these will flourish into what could be a lasting relationship build on trust, caring, love and of course sex in the back of camper van.

Good luck kgls13349 and may the forks be with you.

Darren

ellen · #6 18th January 2007, 08:32

My first and only relationship ended about a year and a half ago and lasted around nine months. I met him through a friend (laura) who invited me to a friend of hers birthday party at a pub, the birthday was for a set of quads of which he was one, he spotted me and started talking to me, with me hardly saying anything, not because i didn't want to but because i couldn't get a word in edgeways, he could talk under water.

After that i got a text message from laura saying that grant really liked me and wanted to get to know me, and it went on from there.

So it can happen out of the blue, i was so not ready for anything like that at the time, but he kept on pushing and wouldn't take no for an answer, i told him all about my sa, and that that was the reason i couldn't do anything, and he kept saying that he could handle that and he wanted to help me through it etc etc. I dunno, it was an enjoyable experience but he wasn't the right one, so i eventually ended it.

Sorry for crapping on.

ellen

kgls13349 · #7 18th January 2007, 11:09

Wow thanks for the replys, didnt really expect much of a response

im not all that good at making friends online, im still scared to talk to ppl xd although not as bad as face to face obviously, theres been over the years i been online two girls i got on with online and talked to for long time, which is funny becouse i never have anything to say

but neither would even meet me in real life even just to be friends

dunno what it is but i must give off warning signals or something.
but its good to knw that some people manage to have relationships in spite of sa, makes me a bit more hopefull that as im slowly getting better i might manage something resembling a relationship

scarlet_diva · #8 18th January 2007, 12:06

Quote:

Originally Posted by kgls13349

but its good to knw that some people manage to have relationships in spite of sa, makes me a bit more hopefull that as im slowly getting better i might manage something resembling a relationship

Plenty of people on here have/have had r.ships so yes there is definitely hope!!
It's possible to have a r.ship with SA. Perhaps not as easy as for non-SAers, but it happens, all the time. Don't worry about that. You just have to hang in there.
Have you tried online dating, it's a bit of a jungle on there but I've met some fantastic people that way, honest, and I wouldn't be meeting men otherwise --since I never go out.
So don't give up hope with r.ships. It's all about patience & perseverance. Good luck!

Blueberry · #9 18th January 2007, 15:27

I met my husband when i was 18 and at that time of my life i had much more confidence than i have now.
He's not got SA but he's very understanding and been by my side through all my up and downs.
We have been together now 13 years and thing if i wasnt with him, that i prob would struggle meeting another partner, prob find someone online, as seems a easier way.

kgls13349 · #10 18th January 2007, 15:31

i have been trying online dating but almost noone seems to ever reply if i actually try contacting them, and noone looks at my profile and emails me, although i did get an online friend (who funnily enough is extremely outgoing and happens to be a male model) to read through my profile and he said that from what i had written i sounded like a pervert

, i have dyxlexia which makes writing even things like this difficult to put together and aparently i dont come across as the sort of perosn ppl want to know

it hurts more becouse i KNOW i have a romantic side that has just never been allowed to show itself

scarlet_diva · #11 18th January 2007, 15:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by kgls13349

i have been trying online dating but almost noone seems to ever reply if i actually try contacting them, and noone looks at my profile and emails me, although i did get an online friend (who funnily enough is extremely outgoing and happens to be a male model) to read through my profile and he said that from what i had written i sounded like a pervert

, i have dyxlexia which makes writing even things like this difficult to put together and aparently i dont come across as the sort of perosn ppl want to know

it hurts more becouse i KNOW i have a romantic side that has just never been allowed to show itself

Yeah I know it's particularly hard for men on these things as they outnumber women so much, but you just need to persevere, that's the only way to do it. My ex sends out 100's of emails and can't remember what his average response rate is, but it's quite low. Thing is, he's SA and doesn't really know how else to meet women (bit like me really, haha, but not the women bit

). But he still manages to get responses and has been on tons of dates.
So yeah it just takes time; once you get a few dates going it'll get easier.
Also the whole letter-writing thing takes practice. Maybe your online model mate can give you a few tips?

OK I'll stop banging on about online dating as there are plenty of other ways to meet women, too I just don't really know of any since I don't socialise much

.

jontyboyoh · #12 18th January 2007, 23:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by scarlet_diva

Yeah I know it's particularly hard for men on these things as they outnumber women so much, but you just need to persevere, that's the only way to do it. My ex sends out 100's of emails and can't remember what his average response rate is, but it's quite low. Thing is, he's SA and doesn't really know how else to meet women (bit like me really, haha, but not the women bit

). But he still manages to get responses and has been on tons of dates.
So yeah it just takes time; once you get a few dates going it'll get easier.
Also the whole letter-writing thing takes practice. Maybe your online model mate can give you a few tips?

OK I'll stop banging on about online dating as there are plenty of other ways to meet women, too I just don't really know of any since I don't socialise much

.

Hmmmm.....Interesting [scratches head]........... Maybe.....Just maybe.........

GoldFish · #13 19th January 2007, 00:02

I had a relationship for two weeks, yes thats right(Sarcastic YAY! brief i know) it only lasted two weeks but it gave me hope that it is possible to find someone.
She kept wanting to kiss me, and it was an AMAZING feeling to say the least.

I think you have to understand that even people who may not have SA still know what its like to be nervous and anxious, they know what its like to have personal problems, and they arnt all that different to you, where if you find yourself in isolation for a long period you start IRRATIONALLY feeling like its impossible to make new friends.

There are people out there who are accepting and tollerable, i mean, i have shown up to parties (although i was scared, shaking, pale) ...and girls have flirted with me, and i wasnt exactly in my most safest/comfortable place at the time.

When i used to play indoor soccer there were girls on the other team that would be playful/friendly yet i had only said a few words to them.

So it doesnt take alot for others to show interest in you.

There is hope, and it becomes possible the more you show yourself in public places or at parties/events, despite having the feelings of social anxiety.

You dont have to be this perfect social butterfly to meet people.
sometimes people just like company.

SA does not turn you into this alien that nobody could ever relate to and the key to finding a new friend or partner is to just take the first step,
the first step is to just show up, show up to a party if your invited, turn up to a concert if you want to see a band.
'
try not to hide yourself away as often, you can still go about your business with anxiety issues, even if they are intense, people who dont know you are going about their life wont think twice about you.

Ive showed up to concerts alone before and it was fine, nobody cares that your alone, and i ended up chatting with a stranger even though i was nervous and inwardly frightened, the person wouldnt stop talking, was always enthusiastic, so that made it easier for me to talk back, and the concert was amazing to witness!

Its never as bad as you think it is, everyone imagines the worst when it comes to SA.
Try and see having "egg on your face" as being productive, you can fall over, even stumble your way through to beating SA.

ivorthegalliant · #14 19th January 2007, 03:09

kg i understand....im coming from a different angle....i used to be a hairy arsed squaddy.....fell in love lost it and now im gutted...but hey...just to kiss like a feather on the silken lips of a lady again....life IS a LESSON.....be yourself......i hate these fackers that piss on virgins.....sometimes i wish i had my time again....i was married....TRUE love....but i guess even i was oblivious to the tenderness of what your saying....wish i could of been so sensative....ur gonna find a massive LOVE....AND never LET THEM TAKE THAT FROM you..... RESPECT......I KIND OF GUESS YOU SAERS are deep sensative souls.....so be proud of that ok.....x

ivorthegalliant · #15 19th January 2007, 03:40

ahem.....no im a fully fledged fledgling with a hurry chest...lo

l.,...as for my ahem bottom ive never seen it.....?

ivorthegalliant · #16 19th January 2007, 06:44

oh feck the seroquels not working...guess i took it for granted....seriously ...i visit here alot and in a humble way can i say its lovely you lot are brave enuff to start to open up in wots perceived as the public eye.....respect.....im crying but hell u cant see my tears....no web cam.....my poor liver and onions and kidneys and beans can suffer.....yes alcohol is the answer to alot of anxietys problems...but hell im an old fart.....god bless you younguns.....youll find someone....i spent 16 years with three women....atleast i have lived and learnt....im no hoe...seen a few of them....im feeling a bit vulnerable myself ok.....so please dont JUDGE me ye defenders of all sa....i guess wot im trying to say in public ...having been married /divorced...half way round the planet ie canada to iraq.....iceland u name it....and fell deeply in love 3 times......over 16 years i figure i messed up for not being as sensative towards what i am now believing to be my soulmate.....coz of my past....gulf war1 etc....yes ok i seen people being shot...bits of bodies etc....im no hero....but it hurts it really hurts to stare out of my eyes and see the IGNORANT BASTARDS that pick on people like you lot.....stick with it you lot ok cox i think ur the beez bollox.....sensative....i gotta see a shrink in february...hell i could wipe his arse with his own toilet roll....anyways....always remember....the only thing you can die with is ur souls....u aint takin nothing else...so dont let the barstwards grind u down....ive been craig....thankyou for reading me...just for a minute i wasnt lonely....genuinly....thankyou....even tho i aint got sa i do suffer extreme anxiety...swhy im a piss head....so dont **** it up ok...feel....is to touch...yep been abused as a nipper but i broke thro that wall too...i am not ashamed to be sexual....ok gotta go the sa police are after me....xxxcraig

Pal · #17 19th January 2007, 06:55

I've had relationships despite the SA/SP but i do find it enourmously difficult to form the initual bond.

Mind you working as a barman has helped.

kgls13349 · #18 19th January 2007, 09:33

wow, here i was working out a nice reply to scarlet_diva overnight when i was having trouble sleeping and now theres a ton more replys

im not used to getting such a good response

Thanks for all the replys guys, i appreciate it

I did used to work at a local cafe on a train station platform, serving customers but i had to give it up dealing with 100`s of ppl i dont know every saturday morning on my own was killing me, didnt get to know anyone either cuz it was on a train station, everyone was always in a rush