friends, 30-somethings - lend me your ears!

oldtombombadilio · #1 17th March 2008, 23:15

ok, I'm not the same age as you guys (23), but this seems like a good place to get proper, world-weary, stoical advice.

i've never touched or been touched or been remotely intimate with a girl (or a guy, but that's cos I'm straight). i'm not bad looking, which may be worse than being a toad, as i've had countless opportunities in the past which i've f#cked up, and regret every day.

how have you made it to the age that you are? (if you have similar intimacy issues).

Jules07 · #2 20th March 2008, 11:43

blind hope!

as well as doing your best to make progress and overcome one's aversion to intimacy. attempting to take risks. going after girls you like. trying to get used to making a fool of yourself, and being OK with it.

all you can do is try. whether you succeed is another thing, but at least youve tried.

23 is very young, you have loads of time. you obviously have a long-term horizon - approach it as a project. each week, or even each day, try talking to a girl. try small steps - if youve never been touched by a girl, try eg salsa dancing lessons.

and try therapy for your SA, such as CBT. thats the best way to open up to the world in general.

Alien · #3 21st March 2008, 23:14

I put all my early successes down to alcohol!

I used to be incredibly shy, but, in certain situations, if I drank a sufficent quantity of alcohol I became almost extrovert! I suppose the alcohol stopped me worry about things and let me just be my self. I'm not recommending you get smashed or anything, just that a bit can help you relax.

I've got more confident in dealing with people as I've got older, although I still have difficulties in certain situations. When I was your age I had only 1 friend and felt that I could never be socially normal. Now, I can deal with most social situations.

Just keep trying. Focus on meeting people rather than chasing girls. But if you see someone you like, just go for it. Making a fool of yourself is all part of the learning process.

Things are rarely as bad as they seem.

oldtombombadilio · #4 23rd March 2008, 11:15

thanks jules and alien, for the advice. yeah, that sounds logical, focus on meeting people in general first, walk before running (not that i want to run to be able to actually chase girls, i'm not a sex-crazed-maniac!).

Sea · #5 30th March 2008, 17:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alien

I put all my early successes down to alcohol!

I used to be incredibly shy, but, in certain situations, if I drank a sufficent quantity of alcohol I became almost extrovert! I suppose the alcohol stopped me worry about things and let me just be my self. I'm not recommending you get smashed or anything, just that a bit can help you relax.

Lol, same here!
Not that I'm proud of having a history of alcohol-based relationships though...

Sea · #6 30th March 2008, 17:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quiet bloke with talkative cow

Almost 36 and still haven't had any wooo

neski · #7 15th April 2008, 22:36

when it happens, it will all come naturally, you may not be a super stud but with a bit of exploring, you'll find your way, noones born with sexual confidence, just turn the lights off and enjoy yourselves, theres no rules - have fun

diplodocus · #8 16th April 2008, 01:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alien

I put all my early successes down to alcohol!

Yeah likewise and I think many would share that experience.

bayblue · #9 17th April 2008, 19:38

Hiya,

Because i always found it hard to meet people i made friends through a penpal thing years back. I ended up getting to know one person really well, and to be brief we ended up getting married

So there are ways and means of meeting potential g/f or b/f.

My problem is i've been divorced several years now, but people do not seem to write letters anymore so i'm stumped how to find anyone new!!

T · #10 17th April 2008, 21:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alien

I put all my early successes down to alcohol!

i gotta say this too

well only had one or two short relationships but when i'm abit merry i'm confident

wish i could be sober and confident...

GhostOnMagneticTape · #11 18th April 2008, 14:16

I'm 33 now but I had no experience of sexual and physical intimacy until I was 25 years old and yes it was alcohol induced.

To come to think of it, I am unsure if I've ever have had sex without any alcohol!

hardy · #12 31st October 2008, 11:16

Alchohol actually reduces competence and skill!
The only thing it gives you is it lowers your inhibitions.
This proves once again that most of us have the skills required but mainly lack confidence .
So stop thinking youre lacking in skills or attractivity! This may sound obvious but to actually get your self to believe it means you make a big step forward and you also eliminate the possible trap of too much alchohol.

THE LONER · #13 31st October 2008, 12:50

Im 42 and have only ever been intimate with a woman on one occassion and that was when I was 25. To be honest the thought of intimacy has always terrified me even though I`m desparate for intimacy. I know as time goes by the thought of never having intimacy is a scary thought. I`ve never had the courage to chat up women. Even when I`ve talked to women they`ve rejected in a cruel way.