Social Nightmares

[shaggydog]

Hi, id love to know if anyone can relate to/has a solution to the seemingly 'no win' situation i seem to be struggling with a lot at the moment...the dreaded social invitations/family 'do's. Every time my partner is invited to a night out/meal with friends and im expected to go too, we have the hugest arguments, all because of my S.A. I feel I can't win. It is that much of an ordeal to go, sometimes I just can't face it, which means he has to go alone and make up excuses why im not there (again,) and im sat at home alone feeling a failure (again.) Im pretty sure these friends think i am rude, unfriendly or think im up myself for not wanting to socialise with them. I have made the effort so many times but invariably the S.A gets worse as the evening progresses (shouldn't it get easier?) and I end up either cutting short my partner's night by getting him to go home with me (he gets very pissed off), or legging it out the nearest exit without saying bye to anyone (very rude.) I think the S.A gets worse as the evening progresses because everyone else has relaxed and having a grand old banter and i havent relaxed, am blushing if anyone puts attention on me, feel ashamed at my pitiful attempts at socialising, feeling more and more uncomfortable and awkward...

Does anyone else find that they even have S.A with family and people they have known for years? God,I even struggle with eye contact/blushing with my mum! People I have known for years I am still reserved with and don't seem to have built up the 'connection' that other people have. I find banter and piss taking excruciating. Although i really want to join in i just get embarrassed and seem to miss the joke. Is anyone else relating to this??!
I'm 32 and have had S.A since 13 (or forever.)

[nickinmold]

Hiya, I can identify with that. I don't know much but have you tried
socialising on your terms not someone elses? I mean invite some of his friends to a place of your choosing, which would build confidence, somewhere/something small no pressure, cinema's safe you don't have to talk much, try a later showing so theres not much time after, or somewhere where you can explore a few escape routes beforehand. A pub quiz night I found good because it allowed me to contribute on stuff I knew about, and it built my confidence. I'm no halfwit and have a technicolour imagination, so what I'm trying to do is instead of sabbotageing myself, put this imagination to good use and find a few solutions and build my confidence a little, instead of doing the same thing again and again, its early days with me so I'm not sure of anything really but I do think that if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got, in short, same recipe same cake!
I'm the same as you when it comes to family as well, but it does depend on how I am on the day really. If I'm tired or angry then I'm usually at my worst. Anyway, gotta git, may the force be with you.

[blubs]

I realate to these situations.
I've made lots of excuses over the years to avoid social get togethers....& I definately get worse too the longer I'm in the situation...rather than relaxing more.
I'm sorry I don't have much advice...as my anxiety in these circumstances is sky high & I've never known what to do.
Here's a big hug ....mentally put it in your pocket....& use it next time you're somewhere & wish you weren't & are having a rubbish time

[chaddy]

I too can relate to that, having never accompanied my partner to any work-related event, despite the invitation always being there. After several years of this, curiosity about who I am and what I'm like has boomed, which obviously makes the problem worse. I'd be more fearful than ever of the attention and the questioning were I to show my face. I'm just fortunate that the majority of the pressure to go to these things comes from me.

Family get-togethers are bad here too, not helped by the fact that my family is fairly fragmented and I hardly ever see much of it beyond my parents. Weddings, anniversaries, funerals, those sort of events that it's hard or impossible to avoid are stomach-churning nightmares.

Hold on in there. You're not alone in all this.

[shaggydog]

Hey, thanks for your comments folks, (and the hug) Im feeling so low at the moment. It's comforting to know im not alone struggling with this. I realise that for anyone with S.A these situations are difficult but maybe some of us have more success coping in certain situations than others. I was invited out tonight with my other half to his friend's birthday meal...luckily for me I am legitimately working tonight and cant go (so don't have to fake some imaginary illness!) Wish I had some answers for all of us. Guess it helps if we have understanding partners/friends/families, but I think people get pretty frustrated and pissed off.
The pub quiz idea is a good one, i find anything where the focus isn't just on having to chat easier! Dark places are good too - can't see my bright red face :embarass:

[c4g]

I can totally identify with you and I feel almost choked cos it feels so weird that someone has just expressed exactly how I feel. My husband now does not have a social life and this is all down to me. I cant bring myself to go out to any events/dos. Yep, he has been on his own and I have sat at home crying because I wish I had the strength to just say 'bugger it, I can do it!' I cant though...its a living nightmare.

[BulletproofMarshmallow]

My outgoing/friendly ex-wife didn't have a social life and I did(somewhat). I can't see that anyone with sa (or otherwise) is responsible for the others' social life unless they stop them going out some how. Seperate & together interests both help I think.

[anotherben]

I can totally relate, infact my partner and i have been falling out most of the week due to an invitation to attend a friends party this weekend.
I decided i wasn't going to go, i said its good to do things apart and not spend so much time together and spend time with other people but i know deep down this is just my excuse because i dont want to have to confront all the symptoms of SA again.
Im slowly coming around to the idea though, especially now i know its going to be some kind of club type place where we go so im hoping not too much conversation.
Although i know i will end up drinking too much as the night goes on because it makes me feel so much more relaxed around people. I can just speak without endlessly examining over and over again everything i say, or worrying about blushing or how im coming across to other people. :embarass:

[Warhed]

I can identify with you too shaggydog, but sadly I have no idea what can be done about it. My partner left me because of my lack of friends, my complete inability to socialise and my resulting depression. The problem has become even worse as I've got older. I've now lost touch with what few acquaintances I used to have, I suspect they just couldn't tolerate what they probably saw as my unfriendly and anti-social nature as I've never managed to form any close bonds with anyone. Similarly with most my family - I haven't seen my parents for over five years now, I'm a bitter disappointment to them and I just can't face them any more. My wonderful younger sister is the only person who has refused to give up on me and is currently doing her utmost to care for me, but ultimately this only makes me feel even more worthless.

[Socialbutterfly]

Hi just found this group, im amazed at just how many people have exactly the same problems as me. I totally relate to this thread.
Sounds corny but I walk around thinking that everyone elses life is just perfect and that im such a loser for not having the social life and friends that ive always longed to have.
I beat myself up mentally for not making the most of social opportunities. I just find socialising too difficult, it drains me!

[ColinV]

Isn't life wonderful!

No friends because they will see how red my face is
A partner who tries to understand but doesn't really
Neighbours I have to avoid in case they want to chat with me
No job because I couldn't even face an interview, never mind working with anyone
Cant eat in public because my face goes beetroot red after having ETS surgery 4 years ago

We should all get together sometime and swap stories of our awful existances, then go back to our miserable lives and just hope that one day we will wake up and everything will be how we want it to be!

Dream Dream Dream Oh How I Love To Dream!

[courageous]

Just read your message, you are describing me exactly! I too have had just the same problem for years and it is has caused me so much worry and upset. I rarely go out nowadays but if I do I have to make sure I get a good few drinks down me beforehand and I also exercise like mad to hopefully release some endorphines! So I'm knackered and tipsy before I set foot out of the door! Meals are out of the question and I don't really feel comfortable sitting in a pub, certainly not in a group! If I can dance then I feel better, it's easier than having to make conversation. Of course with Xmas just around the corner there'll be lots of family gatherings, like you , I even find this a strain. I hate to sound all doom and gloom but I'm still trying to beat this damned curse and would welcome any tips from any source. Keep fighting the good fight, stand up for yourself, and good luck!