As we get older...

[Jen.]

Originally Posted by limey123

Quite. And he's not the only one who's been told to "put a sock in it" when they were posting positivity.

I've heard this from quite a few people now - the achievement police trying to silence people. Apparently it's unacceptable to post about online dating successes in the online dating thread just in case it upsets those who haven't yet had any success with that. Amazing really.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Nanuq

If you do nothing, nothing happens!

That's almost true, I think. But change happens around us, and to us, whether we like it or not. It's inevitable.
So by being proactive and seeking to have a handle on that change, we can to some extent control/help guide it. Well, that's the theory

[Marco]

^^^This is the problem I have with lone*star's philosophy (if he'll permit me to call it that), that it just seems so fatalistic that one wonders how he can motivate himself to get out of bed.

[alpha]

Originally Posted by Marco

^^^This is the problem I have with lone*star's philosophy (if he'll permit me to call it that), that it just seems so fatalistic that one wonders how he can motivate himself to get out of bed.

My take on it would be that changing your thinking changes your behaviours. For instance I can think "there's no point getting out of bed today" or "I should get up now, I'll feel better for it" or "just get up, it doesn't matter how I feel". Which one of those I choose to think (my "attitude") is likely to influence how soon I get out of bed.

Also some things are within our control and some aren't. I can choose whether to get out of bed or not but I can't choose what other people do or what the weather will be like. And I can't just "choose" to change my entire life because my circumstances are influenced by things beyond my control. I can try to change it but I can't guarantee the changes will happen. So if I go at it with the right attitude, try my hardest but it messes up somehow, I can at least not call myself a failure. And I'll be more likely to have the right attitude to try again, possibly in a different way. As opposed to feeling depressed because I'm calling myself a "failure".

[gregarious_introvert]

^ Good post, alpha.

I don't want to be seen to be defending lone*star (I think the universe would crumble if I did that!), but I don't think his philosophy is as fatalistic as it appears - but (as I expressed in my response to his post), my fear is that people will read it and think that they have zero influence over their own lives. Of course, it's hard to express an entire philosophy in a few words, which is always the danger here. As alpha says - and Nanuq (although making the bed? - isn't that why duvets were invented?) and limey - our sphere of influence may be small, but it is significant (I know that's not what he said, I am paraphrasing with a large dose of poetic licence).

One of my favourite quotations (which has been attributed to various people and the wording is not always exact because it has been said in many ways) is "the only failure is the failure to try", along with (apparently from some geezer called Einstein) that "the man who has never failed has never tried" or "success is born of failure" (all, despite the " marks, not exact quotations). It hurts me when I read of people on this forum who consider themselves to be a failure because we are all survivors, we have all succeeded in our own way by being here and trying to lead our best lives - but so many of us judge "success" by other people's (real or imagined) measures, instead of our own; we belittle our own achievements by seeing them through what we think are the eyes of others, instead of celebrating them because we have made our lives 1% better today than it was yesterday (or even 0.000001%). I don't like people here talking of "shame" (I have never experienced it, but I understand why they feel it) because I think that nobody here needs to feel it and because it is largely what is holding them back from trying (and then feeling more shame through "not succeeding" because they don't realise that the trying is, in itself, success).

I just found this: "We would all like to be able to go back and fix some things that we could have by making better decisions, but some of us don't, all they do is complain about it...You see we must come to terms with the fact that life is what you MAKE it, not what you have MADE it. Some of the most successful people in the world are driven by their failures from their pasts. So Don't think of failure as an obstacle to your life, but instead think of failure as one of your biggest allies, for without failure, there is no success! So don't be afraid of failure, learn from it! Everything that you have done in your past is a part of who you are now, but everything that you do today will be who you are tomorrow!"

I have had a lot of positive comments on this site for the way I have changed my life over the past five years, but I didn't change my life, I changed my attitude and that, in turn, enabled me to try doing certain things again, learning from past failures and finding a different degree of success - eventually, with some failures along the way, although they weren't failures, they were less successful attempts - which has brought to where I am today, although there are still things I need to achieve, but I am in a much better place (mentally as well as practically) than I was a relatively short time ago (to a man nearing 60, five years is but the blink of an eye!). However, I am writing this in bed, so I need to take the advice of others above and get out of it and (just to please Nanuq!) make it.

I'm sorry, I've gone on one of my tangents again, this was supposed to be about three lines long, so:

TLDR: there are no failures here.

[limey123]

^ Wasn't it Edison who said he'd failed far more in life than he'd been successful? But every time he failed, he picked himself up and tried again. This is the same for virtually all entrepreneurs.

GI's Einstein quote is spot on.

The hard part for us is that SA is all about fear of failure, essentially. But we have to realise that we're going to fail before we get the results we desire. Just as a child does learning to walk or ride a bike.

[Sunrise]

Having used this forum on and off for nearly 17 years (yes, that's not a typo, 17 years) I've always seen a lot more positivity than negativity, but maybe I just look for the positives in things. It's very sad if people are genuinely telling people to give up, but I don't think all "negativity" should be demonized as after all it is a mental health support forum for people who have experienced all sorts of trauma and difficulties.

I'm someone who through years of hard work has gone from rock bottom to one step above rock bottom. I have no doubt a lot of people would be quick to belittle my acheivements and say I've done nothing, but to me getting to this point from where I was is a monumental acheivement. I'm not going to change the world and I don't want to be "inspirational", but I've done amazingly well in my own little way.

Just be good to people, yeah? Everyone's at a different place in life. Places like this should be about encouraging and supporting people. That doesn't always mean offering practical advice, it can just be about letting them know that it's ok to struggle. Everyone struggles at some point, some more so than others. What works for one person might not work for another. Sometimes it takes years of hard work, others can do it with relative ease. It shouldn't be about positivity and negativity; and nor is it a competition to see who has it worse. I admire the people here who have acheived a lot, but I certainly don't think any less of those who haven't. I think just about everyone here is doing their best to get through each day given their current circumstances, and anyone who does that is doing well.

[gregarious_introvert]

^ another good post!

[lone*star]

[Apologies for quoting Nanuq, but this post wouldn't make much sense otherwise! I was at work earlier, so unable to reply any sooner to your post.]

Originally Posted by Nanuq

You have a very particular belief system that seems to work for you. You seem to be happier feeling that life is beyond your own control, which is fine for yourself. If it makes you happy...

Well, when you think about it, what you're saying there doesn't really make much sense, does it? I mean, who in their right mind would want to go around believing that they have no control over their own life, and that they were merely being 'blown around' by life like a leaf on the wind?

So doesn't that, in itself, make you think that something might be wrong with your assumption somehow? As far as I can see, there are really only two options to explain such a strange sounding situation:

Either a) I'm one of the biggest weirdos in the history of mankind. (Which is not impossible I guess!)

Or b) You and me are seeing the above situation from very different viewpoints. (Which I suspect is the more accurate answer).

The thing is Nanuq, I can see the situation from your point of view (quite easily, because I've been there myself - in fact, I spent most of my life there). But can you see it from mine?

[Julie547]

I can relate to this post, its like my own thoughts been written down for everyone to see! To be honest though this group has been a breath of fresh air as I thought I was the only one that felt this way which I know is pretty naive 😂

[gregarious_introvert]

Originally Posted by lone*star

Either a) I'm one of the biggest weirdos in the history of mankind. (Which is not impossible I guess!)

Or b) You and me are seeing the above situation from very different viewpoints. (Which I suspect is the more accurate answer).

These two are not mutually exclusive! I was tempted to edit this more, so that I was just quoting you saying "I'm one of the biggest weirdos in the history of mankind", but as much as that would have amused me (for about 30 seconds), it would have been grossly unfair and unkind.

This isn't me commenting on your post, by the way (although technically it is), there are just some things it's impossible to resist!

[Marco]

I confess I was being a wee bit facetious about lone*star in my previous post - apologies L*S. A lot of what L*S says actually resonates with me and I always enjoy his challenging posts. In fact I believe we don’t have nearly as much free will as many of us like to believe, although I wouldn’t go nearly as far as some of the statements L*S has come out with on this forum. Even L*S admits we can (“only”) change our attitude, but this must mean we have a measure of free will, that entails motivation, possibly even struggle; it’s not a passive single process, but involves a chain of active thought processes within the individual that translates into intention and action...and change.

[Marie8]

I feel like my anxiety is getting worse, I am 31 and I feel I'm now too old to change. I have no personality, am dull and boring and I understand why people dislike me. I am so awkward around people, and at work I don't fit in and feel like an outsider everywhere I go. I have constant mind block and my memory is terrible. I've never been able to make friends as an adult and fear I never will because I don't know how to communicate with people. All I can manage is a bit of pointless small talk, I don't know how to have a proper conversation and I even struggle with my own family. It makes me feel hopeless and bitter and jealous of all the people around me. People tell me 31 is still young but I feel like I've wasted my youth away and it's too late to change. I will always be this way. I am an extremely negative thinker and I am trying cbt but after 5 months I feel no difference.

[scarlettgirl]

I'm sorry I'm late responding to yall, but this was a very interesting read. So many different perspectives and bits of advice, i'll take it all into consideration.

Marie8 I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I relate to basically all of your posts. It's probab;y not much consolation, but you're not alone in the feelings.

[Orwell20]

My experience (and this seems to be common) is that the social anxiety gets better but the avoidance and dislike of people gets worse.