Small talk and just getting alone with people is so hard

[Angelina]

Ones of my jobs requires me to meet up with around a dozen other co workers first thing in the morning,very early in the morning at 5.30 am! For a start I'm tired and cranky which makes it even worse. All these people are really loud and cliquee (sorry if misspelt) and have worked together for years. Making small talk and pretending to be relaxed is exhausting for me. I feel like an outsider. I try to make an effort by laughing at their jokes and pretending to be interested but inside I cannot wait to just get on with my job and leave. It amazes me how easily they can just talk about anything and everything and it just flows from their mouths like second nature. I'm not too bad when there's only a couple of people but more than 3 overwhelmes me and I just end up closing down and saying nothing. It's the same in all my jobs. I start off really positive and really make the effort to be chatty but when I realise that no one makes an effort to talk to me I just give up and either stop talking and come off as ignorant or better than everyone else which is not my intention or leave and find another job as I start to feel depressed and constantly worry about what they think of me. I feel like a freak of nature sometimes and have never met another person like me. I long to blend in like other people do but have never had this ability. No one seems the slightest bit interested in me and although being around people is so hard and I constantly struggle, I still long for social interaction and company other than my partner and kids who I adore. It just amazes me how some people can so easily get along with everyone and be liked by everyone and I've struggled to get along with people all my life. I'm starting to think it's my face people don't like because I don't have a permanent smile on it. I'm not ugly or hideous and I stay fit and healthy and take care of myself. I've been this way since I was 12 years old and it's really hard. I seem to repel people as they must see my awkwardness.I wish I could be normal for just one day

[Aelwyn]

I am exactly the same too. I had to stop doing a voluntary job which I was quite interested in, because there would be quiet times when the group of volunteers hung around nattering to each other. I would have been happy to natter along with them but just couldn't. I did have selective mutism when I was very young and I wonder if it's a hangover from that. It somehow doesn't feel "safe" to be blurting out anything that comes into my head in front of a group of people I don't necessarily know very well. But that's what they usually seem to be doing.

By the way I'm sure the difficulty has nothing to do with your appearance, it's not as if it's only beautiful people who are relaxed in these situations.

[Angelina]

No it does help because it's nice to know that you're not alone in the daily struggle to fit in. Some days I can feel quite normal and actually be brave and say what's on my mind but that's usually due to hormones which make you feel a little more assertive at certain times of the month but it doesn't last long. I think you may be feeling a little paranoid in thinking that people talk and laugh behind your back but then again maybe not. Must mean we're important enough to be talked about lol so all is not lost. I've caught some co workers rolling their eyes and looking at each other when I've spoke before. I just ignore them now. Why should I acknowledge people like that and you should do the same. We are just as important as they are

[Angelina]

It's nice to know we're going thru the same struggles. It makes me feel better coming on here because we're not irrelevant or disposable. We're human beings just like they are. We might not be good at small talk, but we are genuine

[Angelina]

Thinking about it, It's definitely not about looks from the appearance of my co workers. It's simply that we are not extrovert in a world full of them

[ExSAguy]

Why not talk about the things that interest you?
might find a kindred soul

[Angelina]

I don't work full time because of the lunchtime ordeals. I work two seperate jobs because to avoid that very reason where I don't have to wonder what I'm going to do at breaks. It's sad that this condition dictates what you do in life isn't it?

[Mr. Nobody]

I have had this same situation at work for a long time now,
but each to their own,. some people can easily chat away and some can't, it doesn't mean you're wrong and they're right, just that people are different,
we all have our own good qualities, it's just that some might not have a place to shine in our particular workplaces,
I do know I get sidelined and ignored, but I'm really good at what I do, so I think that's respected by some people,
I've seen these 'popular, chatty' people on their own with no one to talk to and they're lost, but I'm never lost on my own, - in fact I think I actually thrive when I'm on my own,

[Angelina]

Because they don't give you a chance to talk. They're so loud and I'm so quiet, I would have to shout to make myself heard!

[Northern Natterer]

Angelina, I can relate as I also feel like this at work, I don't know how to change things either but I would like to. I long to feel liked and part of the gang but I'm not.

[Damp_Squib]

I have the same problem with joining in with others.
It's sad when someone new comes along and for a brief moment they are friendly towards me and treat me the same as everyone else. Unfortunately it doesn't take long until they notice I'm different and start avoiding me.
Most people love to talk about themselves - I'm the opposite - I don't exactly want people to know how empty my life is.

[BorrowedMum]

I think part of the reason I have chosen the career I have is the fact that apart from training and meetings I dont work in close proximity to anyone else, this suits me fine!
I have worked in offices; schools and factories in the past so know exactly what you all mean by cliques of people all making small talk and not including you.

[Angelina]

Ive been at one of my jobs nearly 3 months now and I still don't know everbodies names because they didn't introduce themselves and I think well if they can't make the effort then why the hell should I. They all sneak off early to classrooms in groups to have a drink and a natter but I've never been invited, not that I'd want to go but it would be nice to be asked.Theres another woman who doesn't go either and she said she just likes to get the job done and go home. I'm wondering if she's suffering social anxiety as well because she's the only one I feel comfortable with lol.

[Angelina]

Yeah I'm the same. It all starts off positive but I just think it gets too exhausting for us to keep the pretence up of being extroverted or non socially anxious. I think we must do or act a certain way to unconsciously say'leave me alone'

[Angelina]

If social anxiety is rife in today's world, why don't we meet them or bump into them all the time?I would love to make friends with one in person knowing we have the same struggles?

[Eralc]

I think sometimes people with social anxiety come off looking unfriendly. I had some random person at my old job come up to me one time and say I always look miserable and never smile. One of my colleagues stuck up for me and said I was lovely - but it just shows how when we are out and about our body language is seen as negative.

On the other hand, people who are constantly screeching with laughter wind me up - it makes me think they take nothing serious and are empty headed loons. - Just goes to show how important body language is in deciding whether you want to interact with someone.

[Angelina]

I know what you're saying but the 'Normal people' to me are unapproachable and miserable and I cannot stand loud people who have to be the centre of attention all
The time, reminds me of school YUK!!! Perhaps I'm guarded from my past. My sister is not socially anxious but cannot seem to find the right partner and I've only ever been in long term relationships so must prove I'm only socially anxious with the same sex?

[scarlettgirl]

I don't have much to add, only that your post feels like I could've written it! Exactly the same feelings and anxieties. It is comforting to know we're all in the same boat at least!
Mine is partly due to being conscious about looks too, but at the same time I don't think about other peoples looks or judge anyone else for how good looking they mght be either, it doesn't even cross my mind.
I always had a teacher commenting to me that I looked so worried somethng bad was going to happen or "smile, it might never happen" (I HATE that), so I think I do unintentionally put across an unfriendly vibe to people with my anxiety.

[Hayman]

I can put on an 'act' in a social situation where I can come across more sociable than what I really am. However, it's something I have to concentrate so hard on that my palms sweat and I end up developing a headache after around an hour or so. After that, I slowly revert to type of a Social Anxiety sufferer. Not because I don't care for others around me, but for the fact that even when I do this, some people can see through me and start probing me and joking about me… The very reasons that heighten my social anxiety in the first place.

I accept I probably appear to be unapproachable though body language, but when you've had so many bad experiences in trying to socialise in the first place (hence the main reason behind my Social Anxiety in the first place), I feel the only way to improve that for us is to have something positive happen in order for us to react. I simply don’t have the strength within me to pick myself up any more. I've been knocked down so many times that I’m completely out of the 'fuel' needed to do this alone. I've tried explaining this situation but typically, all I ever get in reply are the usual comments that we must do this all alone. Basically completely ignoring what I've just explained… The words 'brick', 'wall' and 'head' come to mind. A classic catch-22 situation that I've been stuck in for around 12 years.

Trying doesn't bother me and my plight certainly isn't through a lack of trying. Not any more. The problem I have is that I've never actually known what it's been like to try…and succeed. Success comes to just about everyone for their efforts at random points in their lives. This is the big difference. All I've ever known is continuous failure. This doesn't inspire confidence or motivation. It just grinds me even further into the ground than I already am and again, this is a point that seems seldom understood when explained to a regular person – who do have snippets of success to make them more motivated and confident in the first place. If they'd experienced nothing but failure or snubbing like myself, then I suspect they'd also be under the spell of not only Social Anxiety, but depression like myself also.

If I'm to me more approachable in my body language then this is something I cannot do alone. I need external help and a reason to come across better…