Not in a good place

[BorrowedMum]

I'm finding it all really hard at the moment, even writing and expressing myself - I have re-started and re-written this around 10 times already!
I have my 50th birthday coming up real soon and all of this past year I have said I'm not bothered, its only a number blah blah blah. But all of a sudden I'm feeling this horrible sensation of panic, like I have to sort my life out quick, now, before its too late.
I'm starting to think about all the things I haven't achieved before I'm 50, what a failure I am and a bore (I must be as none of my former 'friends' speak to me anymore). I'm lonely. I'm in a long term relationship, and hes lovely and my best friend but I keep having dreams of him leaving me. When I told him he laughed and said thats never going to happen, he loves me.
I'm so insecure, I have no confidence and its getting worse. I'm trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself. I feel I do bring a lot of my situation on myself but I'm hopeless at figuring a way out. I'm so annoyed with myself for feeling /being like this. I'm hoping that some of you can relate.

[BorrowedMum]

Thank you for the reply Hulahoop. I was worrying that nobody would reply - this is what I am like, feeling unpopular even one here! I do try to be grateful every day for what I have got - a roof over my head; my partner; my pets; my health (though at moment its not that great); two arms; two legs; the fact that I dont live in a war torn dictator led country etc.
You are right, I, like most people put too much pressure on themselves to be this, to be that, I do need to stop self flagellating. I had just hoped that by the time I reached 50 I would be a lot more sorted in many areas of my life and I'm not. I do compare myself to others, especially those who were part of my peer group when I was younger.
I have tried to reach out to my former friends many times with luke warm response. I have given a lot of myself to some of these people in the past and I guess I am upset that all that giving I did is a far distant memory to them and as so much time has past they feel there is no moral duty to pay back any of that kindness.
Its hard to accept that people who you were so close to for many many years now no longer have any time for you. I haven't got to the stage where I can confidently say its their loss but I'm working on it.
As for things I want to do that is work in progress. My career swallows up most of my time and I find that the spare time I do have also gets swallowed up with the daily grind of day to day chores.

[Aelwyn]

I think Hulahoop is right that people tend to put too much pressure on themselves, and especially now when there's social media and everyone pretending to have a marvellous time all the time.

I wonder if some counselling might help you to get things into perspective and give you a bit more confidence? I would also recommend mindfulness and meditation, I won't bore everybody here again with my thoughts about that, and there's plenty online about it, but you can pm me about it if you wish.

[BorrowedMum]

Thank you Aelwyn and gregarious introvert for your replies :-) Meditation was something I did quite a lot of in my past life of my late 20s, I'm not sure why I stopped but probably had something to do with the Madchester scene back in the 90s and a long exciting but wasteful time mixing with hedonistic types! Meditation is something I have actually thought about rekindling recently.

I joined the Meep Up site quite a while back. I have joined to groups that I think would suit me but have as yet to summon the courage to attend any of them. If I do manage to go to one it will probably be one of the life drawing ones where I can hide behind a large canvas as the thought of sitting in a pub somewhere trying to make small talk with a bunch of strangers is the stuff of nightmares for me!

I think its going to be a long slow process for me to get back some of my long lost vitality and courage. I didnt say before but I have had quite a few untimely tragedies in my life and I am in no doubt that these losses have shaped the person I am today, though I want to make clear that I dont dwell on them or use them as excuses for not trying.

I have really enjoyed reading what you have written gregarious introvert, it sounds as though you have had quite a journey and ended up on the positive side of it! I, like you, enjoy music; the arts and travel and these things are definately on my future horizon. The other thing I need to do is pass my driving test! I failed 6 times in my 30s and then gave up, though the reason was financial too!