Bad Influence

[Stotch]

This one is for those with younger siblings.

I have younger siblings and I feel my behaviour and views have been a bad influence for them in the past and possibly the present. In some ways I've been aware that this could have been happening during turbulent times in my life so I have often distanced myself from them. However it seems to be having the opposite effect especially with the youngest, who has taken up some of my bad habits. For instance the youngest recently told me she tried cannabis for the sole reason of trying to get close to me. I felt like breaking down in tears and completely ignored her attempts to 'share a joint', I didn't even discuss it with her and haven't to this day. I don't want to see her in this light, I still see her as my baby sister. Thankfully she hasn't taken up smoking cigerettes, but she still tries to develop a relationship on a deeper level than the one we have at the moment. I want to tell her not to follow my path, that I am showing her what not to do... to instead follow the path of my other sibling who is less influenced by me.

I no longer live with my siblings but I am becoming increasingly concerned of my influence whenever we interact.

Don't quote this thread, it needs cleaning up which i'll do in the morning.

[newbs16]

I'm slightly confused. Why are you a bad influence?

[Cheshire Cat]

Stop being a parent!!

By way of offering a metaphor, siblings often have a relationship like hedgehogs! Hedgehogs are animals that don't stay too close, nor too far away from each other. They don't stay too close in case they poke each other with their spikes, nor do they stay too far away in case they get too cold. Usually our families are made of relationships like hedgehogs. When the relationship between the mother and father is like a hedgehog, children pay the consequences, and between siblings the same type of relationship can develop. So, the first hedgehogs were your parents, and now it is you and your sister! So my advice is to try not to worry about the spikes and just enjoy the closeness.

But because you have always viewed your sister in a certain way - "I still see her as my baby sister" - it is difficult for you to accept her more adult self that is emerging. Furthermore, you feel you have directly influenced the bad and not the good, so you also discredit yourself in the process, perhaps unaware of just how important a person you are to her. So I wouldn't worry about it or focus too much on being a 'bad influence'. I think it's touching that she confessed she wanted to get closer to you, so she obviously looks up to you. If she wanted to share her first joint with you, I think that was pretty cool as it was a safe place to do it, and a nice bonding opportunity between the two of you. Maybe you think that's wrong or weird, but that might reveal how the emotional barriers are with you and not her, and that is the sort of stuff that harms relationships far more than smoking weed, or doing a few 'bad' things in life.

The situation may have worked in the past, with your clearly defined role as the elder sibling, but now as she grows up the situation is changing, the age difference becoming less important as you both become adults. In this different situation trying to be the 'perfect' sibling will actually cause a division between you. It is an example of how one's fears, insecurities and guilt can make a situation worse, when in fact the situation is only human and fairly innocuous. A role model is supportive, fun, open and warm, not somebody who only behaves in a perfect way.

What you're feeling is similar to a parent having a difficulty accepting their 'baby' is growing up. You don't have to shield her from the world as she's growing up. Just out of curiosity, did you happen to grow up with one of your parents absent? Because it sounds a little like you are parenting your sibling in an overprotective way, rather than just being a best mate to them, and this often happens when one of the parents is absent, or at least emotionally distant.

[Stotch]

I was going to have this thread deleted or at least 'cleaned up' so it would make more sense but i'll do neither and leave it considering the effort put in the reply by Cheshire Cat.

I think it was just another one of my self pitying posts although I agree with the theme of my original post, I believe I was once again being over dramatic about the situation. My worry is about being a bad role model (which I have been and still am at times), the solution is obviously to try to be a better one by setting a good example... which requires effort and will power both concepts I struggle to carry out or maybe am just lazy.

The truth is my parents are still together (even though they probably stayed together for the sake of me and my siblings which I know can be worse than splitting up) and my sisters are actually doing better than I ever imagined. My younger sister is in a high flying career and recently married, my youngest was the one I was worried about as she is seemed more influenced by me and seemed to be struggling with similar problems as me, however even with that said she is still doing well and on the cusp of finishing a degree. Their success is despite me not because of me.

Even though I have never said it to them, I love them so much it hurts. They are both the kindest and most beautiful people I have ever met, even if they weren't my sisters I would feel privileged to have met such people. Their compassion is incomparable to anyone I have ever met, the way I have treated them in the past has been vile at times and I still feel guilt over it (but I won't go into that right now). Yet they continue to love me and will always be there for me.

They are the reason I am still here, if I was an only child I am certain I would have ended it a long time ago. I fight for them and them only, I would lay my life for either in a heartbeat. The problem was/is that this view traps me in my current existence, I can't leave because their love won't let me. This claustrophobic feeling is probably why I pushed them away... I didn't want them to get too close because I've always felt I would eventually leave which would only hurt them even more. Its a cruel game i've landed myself in.

I know I should tell them how much they mean to me in person as oppose to in a letter or worse 'note'. My rationality however is that for the time being I will stick around for them until I am convinced that they can handle my inevitable exit. Damn its turned into another self pitying post. Okay my new view is to stick around until I've repaid the debt of love they have given me... which could take all my life though... damn it am ****ed either way! Am asking for too much, I seem to want the freedom to leave whenever I want but have them not feel any guilt or pain if I do.