Dating with social anxiety

[daydreamer86]

Hi, I'm new here and I don't really know where to begin but I guess I'll explain a little about myself.

I am a 34 year old woman and have suffered from social anxiety my whole life, I have always found it really difficult to make friends and interact with people. I have always been really guarded with my feelings and have always been a loner. I have 2 friends who I only seem to interact with via text messages.

I was bullied all through school and even though I am not bullied within my workplace I always feel like the outsider and not good enough or like there is something wrong with me.

I have had 1 relationship in my life which lasted 5 years, I did end things but the one thing that stuck with me is he told me he had always questioned if I was too shy for him and had considered ending things himself.

Since we broke up 8 years ago I have really struggled to meet anyone, I have tried dating apps but I panic if someone sends a message or I don't send messages because I always think they won't be interested.

Also with my anxiety I also have a problem called maladaptive daydreaming where I excessively daydream and these are mainly about relationships which unfortunately I have used to fill the void of an actual relationship, which I am struggling to let go of.

Over the last few weeks I have burst into tears and had really bad days of loneliness and I really need some advice on how anyone with social anxiety has managed to meet anyone and have a fulfilling relationship.
I feel like I don't know where to turn and I feel embarrassed even writing any of this.

Thank you for listening.

[ynwa247]

Have you tried therapy? I know the issue for most women is while they can meet people easier then guys, meeting the 'right' kind of people is tougher.

But it sounds like therapy would help this. I'm not a cassanova but in the (brief) relationships I've had I was a little insecure, though I didn't show it. I realise now feeling OK to talk about things is needed.

[daydreamer86]

Hi thank you for the reply.
I saw a counselor a few years ago and recently I under went hypnotherapy for my anxiety but I found when I was attending I felt better but as soon as that support stopped I fell back into old patterns again.

[ynwa247]

Yeah sounds like you should get therapy when you can!

[Aelwyn]

Hi, welcome to the forum. As others have said, counselling might help with your self-esteem, which seems to be part of the problem.

I suggest you try not to focus so much on finding a romantic relationship, but look into activities you enjoy and maybe join one or two groups or clubs. It doesn't have to be anything too stressful, a walking group could be a start. If you try to expand your social circle like that you've much more chance of meeting someone who has the same interests as you, and there wouldn't be the pressure that you get with dating apps. It would hopefully stop you getting too obsessed and depressed, as you would be doing something you like, regardless of whether you met a potential partner or not.

I think getting too hung up about finding a relationship can sometimes make us seem a bit desperate, which is offputting.

[citizen_erased]

I don't really have any advice for you I'm afraid, but I feel like we're in the same boat and i can relate to your post a lot.

I'm 36 and have only had one relationship and that didn't last that long. I've had a couple of dates since but that's about it. I find it quite difficult meeting new people and making friends and the few friends I do have I don't get to meet up with very often. I'm on a couple of dating sites but I rarely send any messages because I never know what to say and I usually think they won't be interested in me anyway.

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