Not wanting to be cured?

[Part Crab]

I've found myself in the odd situation where I've made limited progress combatting SA but am now starting to wonder what the consequences would be if I got over it altogether.

I know I'm a nice enough person, but I can't help worrying that if I was to become free of SA it might fundamentally change my personality. I may no longer be quiet, reserved and thoughtful - perhaps my new found confidence would make me loud and overbearing. Ultimately, as much as it cripples me, SA is a big part of who I am and has helped shape the person I have become. I'm just concerned that becoming free of 'it' might be a double edged sword...

This is all just a theory anyway as there's no chance of me being SA-free any time soon!

Does this make sense?

[hardy]

its not unusual for people with SA to get the idea that maybe confidence equals arrogance .
It doesn't work like that . If you are a nice person you will REMAIN a nice person when you gain confidence.
ironically often nasty people are covering up their lack of self confidence.

[Ross PK]

Well, you wont become loud and overbearing if that's not the real you, and from what you've said it seems like it isn't the real you otherwise you wouldn't mind becoming like that, infact you'd probably want to become like that.

[Demonique]

I guess if fully cured you'd be the same you, just without the fear and thoughts, I seriously doubt there'd be a total personality change.

[wobbly]

You may even become a much nicer person!

[Rick Sanchez]

Nah, SA, or whatever you want to call it, is just irrational negative thought patterns. The only way it effects you is by restricting you from showing your personality - whatever that is. And being 'thoughtful' has nothing to do with SA, by the way.

I guess you've been quiet and shy for so long now that it's hard to see yourself as a confident person. And like others have said, so many equate confidence with arrogance, and think they'll become cocky, lad-type with their 'SA'. This isn't necessarily the case. There's plenty of reserved, quiet, 'nice' but confident people.

So it's no necessarily your personality changing, but the fears changing. Your personality may well change with it a bit, but don't fear that - and certainly don't use that as an excuse to not do anything about your SA.

[hardy]

the idea that you migh damage your "true" personality by overcoming SA is one of the classic negative thinking patterns that get mentioned quite often on ths site . (no harm in repeating them )
Perhaps we should have a list of the classics.

[Part Crab]

It's only really a thought that's come into my head in the last couple of days. I've tried CBT, EFT and Hypnotherapy and not really got very far so I guess that might have triggered these thoughts

Time to start on meds then, I suppose

[Rosiko]

Originally Posted by Part Crab

I've found myself in the odd situation where I've made limited progress combatting SA but am now starting to wonder what the consequences would be if I got over it altogether.

I know I'm a nice enough person, but I can't help worrying that if I was to become free of SA it might fundamentally change my personality. I may no longer be quiet, reserved and thoughtful - perhaps my new found confidence would make me loud and overbearing. Ultimately, as much as it cripples me, SA is a big part of who I am and has helped shape the person I have become. I'm just concerned that becoming free of 'it' might be a double edged sword...

This is all just a theory anyway as there's no chance of me being SA-free any time soon!

Does this make sense?

The way i see it is although SA is something you don't want, having it & overcoming it will make you a stronger more balanced person
than if you never had it.

that's just theory as well of course.

[talisman]

One thing one risks losing by overcoming SA, IMO, is being able to understand those who suffer it. You may also lose some friends and gain new ones, esp. if those older friends were sufferers of SA, but I doubt your core personality will alter that drastically.

[Innervision]

Originally Posted by talisman

One thing one risks losing by overcoming SA, IMO, is being able to understand those who suffer it. You may also lose some friends and gain new ones, esp. if those older friends were sufferers of SA, but I doubt your core personality will alter that drastically.

Very good points there.

People always find it far easier to understand others who have a similar mindset to themselves. If our mindset is one that leads us to be socially anxious then we will tend to find it easier to empathise and sympathise with others who also have that mindset.

Once we move away from that mindset and enter into the realms of recovery it is very common, and maybe even advisable, to distance oneself from the SA mindset as much as possible. So where as we may have all grouped together in agreement, we now have conflicting outlooks. I've found myself that I'm more inclined these days to think of solutions and positive outcomes than I am to think of problems and outcomes that maintain the cycle of anxiety and avoidance.

I can still understand those who suffer SA as bad as I used to myself, but I don't see myself as being back there with them anymore, even though I still do have my nightmare moments.

It's fair to say that you can lose your old SA friends, but this does not necessarily have to be the case. It can be hard to break the shackles of your own SA only to find yourself held back by the SA of those friends you once shared so much in common with, but by the time we have broken the chains of SA we tend to have moved on a lot in life and have gained a whole new outlook. In short, we can drift apart. For some, disassociating from our past SA mindset also means leaving behind others who still have that mindset. This can be upsetting, but in some cases it is necessary because those new ways are fragile and need positive nurturing, and for some, that means making a choice to only be around positive and nurturing personalities as much as possible until our new ways are strong enough and we feel we can be our new self regardless of who we are around.

Will your personality change? Well in some ways yes, of course it will. We cannot go through such battles in life without learning, moving on and changing along the way. Going through SA and coming out the other side is a life-changing experience.

Will it mean becoming loud, brash, overbearing etc? Well only if that's the way you choose to go. To be honest, I've never bought the myth that being SA-free means being loud, arrogant or whatever. There are plenty of quiet people who are as arrogant as hell, so volume of presence is no indicator of quality of person.

We have to realise that we have our own autonomy. We will not suddenly become brash and loud just because we are not SA ... well not unless we always were loud and brash under the anxiety all along and removal of irrational anxiety will reveal this. We make choices as to how we live our lives, so we will not suddenly become loud and arrogant unless we choose to.

If you are a quiet, reserved and thoughtful person now, there is no reason to suspect you will not be if/when you are SA-free.

Becoming SA-free is a double-edged sword, but so too are most things in life. Everything has its pros and cons.

There is often a lot of fear surrounding moving on. SA might be a swine to live with, but in a way it is still like an old pair of slippers ... comfortable and safe. It may sound silly suggesting that there is any comfort in staying exactly as we are now, but the real discomfort actually starts when we try to alter the ways we have grown accustomed to over many years. For many of us, challenging our SA is just about the most uncomfortable thing imaginable, so with this in mind it becomes easier to see why we may try to rationalise and embrace staying the same as we are now. In a perverse way, our SA world has become a bitter-sweet comfort zone all of its own.

Our current mindset may want to maintain itself, so throws up fears to discourage us making the changes we really need. So fear of a life without SA could be one way in which our current mindset sets about discouraging us from moving on ... hence your (part crab's) fear of what life may be like without SA. The truth of it is probably that life post-SA will more likely be what you choose to make it and include in it rather than suddenly finding yourself being something you dislike simply as a matter of course.

Really, the notion that non-SA people are loud, arrogant etc by default is a total nonsense. If anything, beating SA could possibly bring you more balance, humility and understanding even than you have at present. People just don't do such life journeys without learning much about themselves, others and life itself.

[Holly]

Another brilliant post by Innervision. I just wanted to add my own experiences re. the subject of becoming "loud and arrogant" etc when free of SA. With me, I go through phases of being totally anxious, fearful and a downright mess - what use am I to people when I'm like that? I'm so inward-focused that other people's problems / concerns / humerous anecdotes / interests etc etc are of virtually zero interest to me..not because I don't want them to be, but because my head is so overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety that I have no room for anything else than getting through the moment.

In contrast, when I'm feeling relaxed and myself - without all the anxiety / insecurity / paranoia - I'm more outward focused; more genuinely interested in others and more in tune with them, more able to connect. The fact I can feel I'm connecting to people when I'm like this and they're responding positively to me is proof that my none - SA mindset is far more productive and far more selfless than my SA one. So I actually feel a far "nicer" and more caring person when I'm like this than when I'm SA and have no energy left for anyone else. To me, to be SA free, is to be the real me. And I believe that the real me - although not flawless or all good - is essentially an open minded, caring person. I only wish I could show that side of me more!

Hope that makes sense.

[Part Crab]

Originally Posted by Innervision

Really, the notion that non-SA people are loud, arrogant etc by default is a total nonsense. .

That wasn't what I meant at all. I certainly wouldn't refer to my non SA friends as arrogant.

[Deepguy]

Originally Posted by Innervision

Will your personality change? Well in some ways yes, of course it will. We cannot go through such battles in life without learning, moving on and changing along the way. Going through SA and coming out the other side is a life-changing experience

....

There is often a lot of fear surrounding moving on. SA might be a swine to live with, but in a way it is still like an old pair of slippers ... comfortable and safe. It may sound silly suggesting that there is any comfort in staying exactly as we are now, but the real discomfort actually starts when we try to alter the ways we have grown accustomed to over many years. For many of us, challenging our SA is just about the most uncomfortable thing imaginable, so with this in mind it becomes easier to see why we may try to rationalise and embrace staying the same as we are now. In a perverse way, our SA world has become a bitter-sweet comfort zone all of its own.

Absolutely agree. I've had the same kinds of fears about not being SA anymore. In some ways I am afraid not to have the problem in my life - if I didn't have SA to struggle with, then life would surely be too easy? That's often my thinking. But really, you do learn a lot from the experience of dealing with it, and if you do manage to come out on the other side, then it will make you a stronger and wiser person for the rest of your life. Rationally, if the choice is between living life confined by SA, or living a more confident life where some people might not like the changes they see in me, I'll take the confident life any time.

[Innervision]

Originally Posted by Part Crab

That wasn't what I meant at all. I certainly wouldn't refer to my non SA friends as arrogant.

Apologies for not being very clear on that point. I wasn't suggesting you thought that personally. I was commenting more on the commonly stated misconception here that confident/non-SA generally equates to loud and arrogant also. We do see that assumption made on the site almost weekly.

To be honest, although I was not pointing that comment at you personally in my last post, a second read of your original post does hint at a fear of yours being that if you are no longer SA you may become, quote ... "loud and overbearing". So even you yourself are linking being non-Sa with those things, although I fully understand that you are not suggesting that being non-SA automatically makes a person loud and/or overbearing as a matter of course.

Anyway, I was in no way having a pop at you. I was just highlighting a popular misconception that many of us SA people have or have had at some point in our experiencing of SA.


Holly,

That's an excellent post.
I totally relate to the contrast between being consumed by SA and being reasonably anxiety neutral (I'm rarely anxiety free).
When I was totally consumed by SA I was no use to myself or anyone else. I had no room in my head for anyone else. This made me selfish in order to self-preserve. The person I am when my SA is lesser in ferocity is far more open, warm and accomodating of others, so like yourself, I find that my true self shows through, and that true self is more productive.

I understand why we may fear that being SA-free could just uncover yet another monster; the monster that is arrogance and brash loudness (or insert your own fears here) but the reality could well be far different, and we could reveal a real self that is quite beautiful, or at least pretty much ok in our own eyes.

Holly, you seem to have a good picture of your non-SA self. A very balanced one I might add. Not flawless (who is?) Not perfect (again, who is?) but good enough, and someone who can be happy in their own skin. An awareness of our own qualities alongside a genuine humility is a very attractive combination.

Anyhow, your post made perfect sense to me.


Mand,

A couple of things stood out for me in your post.
I also recall wondering what life would be like without the problem that is SA. SA had pretty much overtaken me and I suppose I felt that without SA I was a total nothing. Fighting SA almost became my reason for living at all, if that makes sense.

I'd not suggest that I'm SA-free today, but I'm in a better place than I used to be. What I can say though, is that even without SA life is never problem-free. When we are consumed with SA it is easy to think that if we were free of it we would find life a breeze, but this is not so in reality. Life always has a habit of throwing us a bouncer, to use a cricketing term.

I reckon that life free of SA will never be an easy ride. Life rarely is that easy for any of us humans. I think we will be better able to make more of life and cope with it better though, and that has to be a good thing.

You also make an excellent point about the possibility of others not liking the changes in us if we move away from SA. This really can happen, because people get so used to us being one way, so when we alter and move on they can feel unsettled and even threatened.

I remember when in counsellor training it was pointed out early on to us that the changes we experience in our personal development can create friction with those around us such as family, friends and partners. This was shown to be accurate too, as trainees reported problems with significant others not being able to cope so well with their personal growth and development. Some relationships ended because of this.

Growth can mean having to move on. Sometimes we outgrow our surroundings. If people have only known us as SA they will 'wear us like those comfy slippers'. If we change, that change can be uncomfortable for them even if it is the best thing ever for us.

I think it's natural to fear change, and moving away from SA is a massive change to those who have known little else than a life stunted by such anxiety. SA keeps its victims locked in stagnation and clouds the reality that all life experience changes us in some way. With SA we may get very limited life experience, so we fail to notice any real change from year to year. The years just melt together into a slab of nothingness.

If we break the shackles and experience life whether we are now SA-free or doing it despite the fear, our lives will alter anyway. We all change through experience. Most of the change is subtle and gradual, but it is there never the less. I wonder if it's life without SA that we fear, or whether is is more that we fear change in general. In a way, staying SA is a good way of staving off inevitable change by limiting our life experience. Maybe it could be the 'safer option' to some of us. Maybe it was for me, but I'll have to ponder that one a bit now.

SA is an ultra-safe, self-preserving behaviour, but what is it protecting us from I wonder? Is it protecting us from change, and is change the real fear? If we stay SA, life will remain the same indefinitely. Is this actually the 'safe option'? If we move away from SA we will be more open to experiencing, and experiencing brings change. Hmmm...

Anyway, change in us may be uncomfortable for us, but yes, it can also be uncomfortable for some of those around us too.
I think we have great influence in how we develop, though, so we are not going to turn into something we dislike, well not unless we make moves to go down that route.

This is an interesting topic!

Originally Posted by hardy

its not unusual for people with SA to get the idea that maybe confidence equals arrogance .
It doesn't work like that . If you are a nice person you will REMAIN a nice person when you gain confidence.
ironically often nasty people are covering up their lack of self confidence.

Hope this is true hardy, i was "a nice person" once.....now I just think whats the point. Im now just nasty to the bone!