#1
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Here goes...
Hi there, I've been on and off this site for a couple of years but have now joined and now...big breath...posting my first message! I never post to any site lest no one replies or replies with words which I need to analyse to within an inch of their life! Please be gentle.
I'm a 46 year old female, living on my own (no kids) with two cats, have a mediocre job (a terrible sick record and fear of stress and failure prevent me moving on) and absolutely no life when I get home after work and my weekends usually consist of sleeping (death without the commitment), eating, watching catch-up telly, sleeping again and repeat. I have a two or three *friends* but can't/don't want to get too close and if/when we do socialise, I always get very drunk so I can show them just how happy/funny/interesting I am, until the next day when I realise I was just acting like an arse! I've been married twice but been on my own for the last 5 years and for that time I've been obsessed with meeting someone else but for anyone who's done the online dating thing, you'll understand the struggle. I kinda know that I am just looking for a penpal really cos I've slipped so far down mentally and emotionally that I don't think I'm in the right place to meet anyone anyway. And, I freak out when it gets to the point of meeting anyway that I generally find a way to get out of it. I've also come to realise that my compulsion for trying to get into another relationship is so I can find another *enabler*, generally someone to live the parts of my life for me that I can't or won't do and to protect me from engaging with the rest of the world. But knowing all of that doesn't stop me in my relentless quest. Hell, I've even been contemplating getting back in touch with a guy who was kinda stalking me just because he's the only person who's shown *interest* in me and said a few nice things. I'm like a wee dying plant that's just had a drop of water poured on it lol. Anyway, this is turning into a ramble that seems to be all about my love life, or lack of, but it's really about much more than that. I'm so sad, lonely, disappointed, nervous, angry, dissatisfied, frustrated blah blah with my life and feel powerless to do anything about it. All the advice from family, friends and even the *professionals* is to get out, do things with your life, join a group, be grateful for what you have etc etc. Jeez, you're totally right, if only I'd thought of that... Sorry for the rant but that was kinda cathartic, at least for the time it took to type it lol. Love and hopefully friendship to you all. x |
#2
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Re: Here goes...
Hi kiramnut,
Welcome to the wonderful world of posting. Quote:
Hopefully you can get something out of some interaction here, there are certainly people in similar boats. And dont worry the introductions thread is all about introducing yourself, ramble away This post has been pre-checked by somebody paranoid about getting it wrong and upsetting people (me) so you should be able to save time analyzing it. |
#3
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Re: Here goes...
Thanks so much Laird McFlumpsy! Acting like an arse is defo my conclusion of my druken behaviour and, hey, I'm always right about such things lol. I try not to drink on my own because that really is a downward spiral to much arseness although it's a constant battle not to self-medicate. x
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#4
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Re: Here goes...
^ yeah, I am afraid I am at the bottom of that spiral currently looking upward to figure out how to get back up top. I am pretty sure somebody has greased the spiral !
I am starting to trust people more and more about whether I just act the fool or actually act like an arse. I am starting to think perhaps it is just the first, which I am ok with. Generally speaking I find anxious people incredibly judgmental about themselves and their own actions. Far more so than other people would be, normally other people don't really care what I do, nowhere near as much as it feels anyway. |
#5
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Re: Here goes...
Yeah for sure, pass me that stick so I can beat myself with it, once I'm finished beating myself with my own stick lol. Defo gonna try not just to lurk here, this possibly seems like a slightly softer, less scary way of *socialising*. Thanks again for your kind words. x
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#6
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Re: Here goes...
Thanks CameraObscuraFan (not sure I'm *getting* who I'm replying and when, posting on forums is all new to me lol), I'm also on the southside of Glasgow funnily enough. What I find in Glasgow is that people talk to you whether you want them to or not. I spend my life walking around not making eye contact with folk (fatal mistake!) and with headphones in constantly. Still, it doesn't stop some folk lol. Holding down a job is something I just try to take one day at a time. You're right, just *being* is absolutely exhausting though. I'll check out the link you've attached but although the spirit might be willing, I think this is something I'll need to work up to, somehow, if only I knew how.
Anyway, great to make contact, hope you're doing ok today. x |
#7
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Re: Here goes...
And the quote of the day goes to:
Quote:
In all seriousness I am sorry you feel this way. I've been there too. The best advice I can give is not to worry for the minute about relationships, but to - can't believe I'm about to say this but here it comes, it's bubbling up - to take care of YOU. Indulge a passion. Doesn't matter how geeky or niche, you can guarantee there are some others that do it. Use people you meet via it to develop a sense of social acceptability, because that is a key thing in feeling good about yourself, getting that external validation. It's a cumulative thing - master one step before moving on to the next. With the drinking thing, again, many of us have been there. At the tme you feel the funniest, most amazing person alive. Look at me, breaking through conventions by running about naked. Aren't I amazing? Then in the cold light of day you worry if you haven't jumped of a proverbial social cliff. But I reckon that if people are wild and crazy and funny drunk (and presumably you must be, if your friends still socialise with you) then they have that in them. The trick is to free it, express it, without the enabler of alcohol. Make that a target. Good luck |
#8
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Re: Here goes...
Thanks so much Umm, lots of what you said has struck a chord with me. Just for today, in this moment, I've deleted all the dating apps. I know intellectually that I'm in no shape mentally to get into a relationship, although every fibre of my being is overwhelmingly telling me otherwise lol, so I'm going to give myself peace and try to find out who I am and try to work on getting me better. Thanks again. x
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