Dating An Emotionally Unavailable Guy!

[toughbird]

Hi All

I've been my boyfriend for almost one year now. He has depression, anxiety, is quite socially awkward as well.

When we first started dating, it was lovely. He would phone, text, take me out on dates and compliment me. He was quite affectionate. We would have sex. It was all perfect.

Once the honeymoon period wore out, I noticed he became distant. I found myself initiating everything but he would respond. We became more like best friends then lovers.

He later admitted to me that he finds relationships difficult especially intimacy and commitment. But his willing to work on things and wants to take things slow.

His always been quite a cold person. Doesn't communicate his needs and makes excuses to prevent confrontation.

I've always noticed as well, when it comes to affection. He pushes me away when I go to hold his hand, or kiss him. He would often show anxiety. I just put it down to his fear with intimacy. To give it time he might come out of it.

I also learnt as he doesn't communicate well. I have learnt to observe his actions, body language and words to understand his communication. Even then, it's been hard.

One month ago, I told him I loved him. He accepted this well and thanked me. I told him his the only man I want to be with. When I went to innate sex, he pushed me away. I was beginning to feel upset. He finally opened up a bit. Stating if I was a fling, he would have sex with me. But as I am into him a lot, having sex together would be much meaningful and therefore he needs time to absorb this before we have sex. He seems set on us eventually having sex but to give it more time.

The following week, he went away on holiday the same week as valentines day. I sent him a text on Valentine's day with a cheesy text. He responded back to it. Then I said I missed him and he didn't reply.

Two days later, we talked on messenger. Again I told him I missed him and he replied he will see me next week. Again I was really upset and asked him why does he keep pushing me away. Why can't he be honest about us? He obviously didn't want to talk about it and told me he was on holiday.

When he got back which was two weeks ago. We got on really well. He came to see a play with me. Although I noticed he appeared really anxious around lots of people. Displaying behaviour that he was feeling socially awkward.

Yesterday during work (we are work colleagues as well dating). I displayed a lot of affection towards him. Offering my scarf for him to wear as we walked into the snow. Buying him an oyster card as his broke. Hugging him and rubbing his arm as he was shivering on the bus. But again, he was trying to move his arm away.

When we sat down together, I went to hold his hand and he moved his hand away. Then sat down anxious.

I started to feel upset and asked him why does he keep pushing me away. As this is becoming an long issue. He said, he doesn't know why he keeps pushing me away. He appeared quite uncomfortable with this conversation and trying to run away. But I was determined to get an answer today.

If I know the fears and the anxiety and the cause of why he feels this way. Then we have something to work on. Then I can avoid certain things. But all he kept saying is - I don't know why I'm like this. I don't mean to push you away. I don't know why I push you away. Claiming he doesn't mean to hurt me. He doesn't know why he does.

I know from one of his previous relationships - his GF went though the same thing. To the point, she decided to end the relationship and maintain being friends. Then she ended the friendship to the point where she cut contact with him.

His previous relationships has been short term or one night stands.

As far as I know - I'm the first girl who has been in love with him and shown deeper intimacy with him.

[Aelwyn]

I don't mean this in an unkind way, as I do understand you're having a difficult time and that you're confused. But perhaps you could try backing off a bit and see if that has any effect? Some people might love lots of hugging and handholding and special little attentions, but not everybody. It could be he finds your behaviour a bit cloying. Or maybe a long-term relationship was never something he was looking for.

If it seems he is always going to want to keep a certain distance between you, and you're not happy with that, perhaps you could re-evaluate the relationship?

[Dougella]

I think, from what you've said here, that I agree with other posters and you might need to re-evaluate the relationship.

If he was able to be more affectionate and attentive in the beginning and now he isn't like that it does seem like he might not want to be in the relationship as much as you do. Him not responding or reciprocating when you've told him that you love him and you're missing him is a pretty big red flag too.

I'm sure it isn't anything you've done wrong and he sounds like he has his own problems to deal with. Maybe you would be happier finding someone who is more openly affectionate. It also seems like you're putting in a lot of effort and not getting much in return!

[toughbird]

My employer has described him as cold and in his own world at times as well.

Relationship with his family only thing I know is he doesn't always tell his deepest secrets too. Relationship with his father has always been more of friends than close.

[michelle06]

Have you asked him directly whether he actually wants to be with you? Perhaps he's the kind of person who wants the best of both worlds - sex without commitment. Once you mentioned love, maybe it freaked him out.

I've let myself get close to someone who's emotionally distant, too, and it's so confusing how he can say stuff like I'd make the perfect girlfriend, but then he won't commit to something more. He says enough to keep me hopeful, but without any real effort on his part. As they say, actions speak louder than words!

[toughbird]

Biscuits how do you know I'm special to him?

So far his actions I've taken very personal.

[toughbird]

Please don't be sorry. You have to need to be sorry.

I think if it's something that you can relate too. Then you may be the best source of understanding.

It's a very difficult situation that I can't keep head to tails with.

[newbs16]

To be honest I do feel for the both of you. He probably doesn't want to get too close to you because he worries about hurting you, or becoming attached to you (in love with you) and things not working out between you and you will both be hurt.

I worry about letting someone love me, letting them in and then realising what a massive disappointment i am.

I struggle with human contact anyway - I am just an odd girl.

[michelle06]

I'm obviously not as nice as you lot, as I'm less sympathetic towards the emotionally unavailable guy! I suppose I find it hard to understand why you'd want to push someone away, because you're scared of getting hurt when, surely, by pushing someone away you're going to lose that person completely, which is also going to hurt (if you care in the first place).

[Rocket Spud]

He sounds a little schizoid.

Have you tried not being affectionate and just being .. together? Not ideal maybe but worth a try just to see if he begins to change behaviour

[umm]

I found your post resonated quite alot with me, particularly around the way your boyfriend reacts to intimacy. I can be like that. Not always; I can be very tactile and affectionate too, but the amount of familiarity and the passing of time does seem to have something to do with it.

When I first meet someone, I can be very open to them (if I like them or otherwise gel with them, that is), with a perfect connection getting set up between us. There'll be full on ASMR tingles and I convince myself that the other person gets them too. Our eyes stutter as we gaze into each other's souls; the whole thing. That stage is, well, it's phenomenal. In fact I have to keep a bit of a lid on it to stop myself falling in love with everyone and everything and causing all kinds of disruption (which of course begs the question of why that would be a bad thing, but anway). Physical proximity, or even meeting in person, doesn't seem to be a barrier. I've felt this with total strangers in internet forums, for God's sake!

Problem is, a la honeymood period, it passes. And I imagine the recipient of whatever we're sharing can feel a bit let down. I feel that way myself a bit, when it does fade, but mostly I want more alone time then, to reconnect with myself, which gets a bit lost during all of this and needs a bit of re-inflating. All of their cute tics turn to annoyances. Their requests for intimacy become demands and complaints as love turns to dependence. I'm probably coming across as uninterested and put out that I have to spend time with them at all, but I'm not - I just need that break. I totally understand that that might seem unfair. I feel pretty bad about it, but it's not by choice that our emotions run the way they do. Every bit of media and "learning" we get in life about relationships tells us that this is not how it's supposed to be, which is really unhelpful actually, because it makes us feel like terrible people, rather than the emotionally complex, ever changing beings that we are.

Anyway, in this situation, the ideal reaction from a partner would be to understand how I feel - not just academically, but genuinely, truly getting it - and not take it personally but just kind of roll with it, with no expectations. They would be okay with the fact that it's not all fireworks but that a good relationship does morph into something comfortable and easy and if that's not what's wanted, then it's ok to break and go for what one does want from life. Such a person would be a real keeper. I daresay that requires some degree of emotional robustness, but hopefully this helps you out Good luck

[Marco]

Originally Posted by Aelwyn

I don't mean this in an unkind way, as I do understand you're having a difficult time and that you're confused. But perhaps you could try backing off a bit and see if that has any effect? Some people might love lots of hugging and handholding and special little attentions, but not everybody. It could be he finds your behaviour a bit cloying. Or maybe a long-term relationship was never something he was looking for.

If it seems he is always going to want to keep a certain distance between you, and you're not happy with that, perhaps you could re-evaluate the relationship?

I agree with Aelwyn. Take care Toughbird

[jd90]

Tbh he might feel suffocated. I can kind of understand this, because I've liked a few girls in the past and dated and been physical. But then afterwards I've just struggled to keep up the way it was before, with plenty of messaging etc but I've also been smothered and guys in general hate it. I seriously think you should totally leave him be. Don't text him, don't be too physical, just wait and see if he starts initiating anything with you. It can feel suffocating. Also maybe he doesn't like stuff in public? So doing stuff at work/the bus might not be a good idea.

Does he enjoy sex? Because i've had to fake enjoying it, I find it really hard to relax, I have to be very dominant, focus all the attention on the woman, take total control, be in charge etc. But when someone eventually insists they do stuff back to me... I don't like it, makes me feel odd, I don't like being out of control nor can I relax or switch off. Yet outside the bedroom i'm not like that at all. So maybe he feels all this pressure to perform because he cares for you or because of all the stuff you've said to him and that's killed the enjoyment. Or maybe if his intimacy issues are like mine, he can give but can't receive any pleasure because he has deep rooted issues that'll take time to overcome.

So he said he's willing to work at it etc, you just have to give him time but probably, more importantly, give him some space. You might miss him etc, feel lonely but if it's better in the long run then it'll be worth it, no?

[Messer]

Do you think he is an introvert? i am, and need time alone and also emotional space.

[toughbird]

He is an introvert and has been for 20 years.