#31
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
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Personally I don't feel either of those things and I don't think it would be a good idea for me to have kids as they probably would resent me and my mental health problems being so restrictive, or they might have similar problems themselves which I would never want. I still understand why other people do have children though. |
#32
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
I think whatever I do, I'll always worry about not having done the alternative. Just the nature of my mind lol
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#33
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
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I often wonder if parents have such thoughts. Maybe they shut it out of their mind? After all, how else could you live with the guilt? Surely they must look at their child and think "you don't have a clue what lies ahead - money worries, relationship breakdowns, bereavement, stress, noisy neighbours, losing loved ones, sickness, old age and, finally, the horror of cancer or alzheimers followed by a crematorium oven." Yes, OK, there are good things, but let's be honest, the bad outweighs the good, not just in quantity but in intensity. But that's not really my point. I know life is ****ing horrible. And I know that it would better not to inflict it on a child (certainly not if they inherited my anxious, introverted, frightened, socially inept personality, which they probably would). I don't want kids because I think life's great. It's more the wish to have someone there when I'm old or ill. The thought of being 75 and ill and totally alone is terrifying. I once heard a paramedic say that it's amazing how many old people are out there with chronic illness and literally no one to help them. He said he spends at least half his shifts being called to homes in which isolated, sick people have called 999 because they are just desperate for human contact, or because they've tried to end it all - or both. |
#34
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
^ That says more about our social care system and community structures than anything else.
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#36
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
^^ Excellent post Nanuq x
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#38
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
I think having kids to avoid loneliness, or having kids without a plan to guide them is awful.
I grew up relatively average, but my parents just argued and it gave me anxiety. I've had to find everything out myself and I'm still just bumbling around at 24 years old in an undergraduate with poor job prospects at the end... Woo! |
#39
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
I've been thinking about this a lot since I turned 29 last month. It's really starting to feel like time is slipping away and before I know it the decision will have been made for me. I've never wanted to raise children though, literally nothing about it appeals to me. Not having time alone, my routine being decided by someone else's needs, having to consider them when making every decision, my body changing, etc. I get quite anxious when it comes to making decisions about things that can't easily be undone, and having children is probably the biggest, most permanent of those things.
I'm not sure what regret would feel like if I decided not to have children. I think it would mainly be about not knowing what they would have looked like I keep wondering if I made it to old age whether I'd be more sad about not having the experience of raising children and having them around as adults to look after me, or more sad about looking back at a life where I couldn't focus on doing exactly what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, couldn't travel as much as I wanted to, couldn't spend time on my hobbies, couldn't have the kind of social life I wanted, etc. It seems that having children takes away more opportunities than it provides in that there are a lot of things it stops you from doing, but not really any it allows you to do (that aren't specifically related to having children). It only sounds that there might be some benefit in later life if you've raised them in a way that would mean they're close to you (both emotionally and geographically) and would also want to look after you. That's obviously not something you can control too much. Although the financial savings made by not having children could probably be used to acquire private care in later life if necessary. Whatever big lifestyle choice somebody makes probably comes with a kind of "regret" at never being able to know what the alternative would have been like. What if I'd never married that person, studied that subject, taken that job, moved towns, etc. It doesn't really matter if you're happy with the choice you made since people always wonder if they'd be even happier doing the other thing. I think, on balance, I'd regret having children more than I'd regret not having them. That's probably because I don't really like children (though obviously hormones would mean I'd be biologically forced to like my own). Maybe looking back at a lifetime of not being able to do things your own way starts to feel insignificant after you've spent your life raising children. I don't know. You never really hear elderly people say they regret having children, they always seem happy with it, especially when they have grandchildren. But then maybe that's because when they were young they never felt like they had a choice not to. |
#40
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
^ It's completely possible for you to have children when you're 40 or even older, so no need to panic time wise!
I feel the same though, very little about raising children appeals to me and I know what the reality of it is because I'm the eldest of three. I'm under no illusions as to what the positives and negatives can be and I think it's actually important that people think honestly about those before they decide on doing it. |
#41
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
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#42
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
^ + ^^ Heh, I wouldn't say I'm "panicking" as such, but I realise that peak fertility is already long behind me and that I'm only two or three years away from when the risk level starts to dramatically rise. I think if I did ever have children I would prefer to do it sooner than later because of that, plus the older I get the lower the chances of me getting my hands on (so to speak) some high-quality, premium grade sperm.
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#43
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
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#44
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
^ Yes, a friend of my Mum's had a baby at 42. Cherie Blair had a baby when she was 46, but probably the less said about that the better
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#45
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
Having my child was by far the best thing that's happened in my life, but I personally don't think I would have coped if I had had one as late as 40 plus.
I guessed babies and young children were hard work but NOTHING had prepared me for the way they take over your life 24/7. Being a parent to a little one is utterly exhausting physically and emotionally. And for the rest of your days you never stop worrying about them. As a 40 something I know that I simply wouldn't have had the physical stamina to cope with a little ball of energy so I admire those women who cope well with bringing up very young children in their mid 40's. From the age of 30 onwards a woman's fertility starts to rapidly decline and by the age of 45 it's rare for a women to become pregnant naturally. Also the risk of complications to the mother and unborn child are so much higher. Cherie Blair was exceptionally lucky. Although I can't imagine a life without my almost adult son and don't regret having a child for a single second I fear for the women who will be giving birth in the following months. The World appears so have become so much scarier to me in the past 17 years although realistically I know that there have been many difficult times throughout the Ages. Thankfully, humans (so far) have been quite a resilient species. |
#46
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
I believe I have made the right choice for myself and ethically as well not to have children. I've been learning a bit about "epigenetics", how trauma alters genes, so as a result of my own childhood trauma and associated mental health problems, if I were to procreate there'd be a high chance of my children developing difficulties. My mother experienced trauma before I was born too.
Can Trauma Experienced by Your Great-Great-Grandparents Be Passed on to You? https://gizmodo.com/can-trauma-exper...nts-1797897567 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kp1bZEUgqVI |
#48
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
No never wanted them when i was younger and still feel the same now.
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#49
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
I recently took care of my mother after an accident and had to do everything for her, literally lifting her on and off the toilet. What really struck me is just how helpless and vulnerable you are at that age. The body is so fragile, and it breaks down so easily. Of course, we ignore this when young and fit, probaly because we'd rather not think about it. People talk about the wonders of modern medicine, but in reality it is pathetic. There are few things we can cure, and in many cases you are sent home with painkillers and left to get on with it. God knows what my mother would have done without her children rallying round.
As I nursed her, I had a vision of my own future, and it isn't pretty. If I get to 70 or 80 and break my hip, or develop cancer or Parkinsons, etc, there will be no one. I know of elderly people in this state. In some cases they are literally left to rot, with a 'carer' calling in once a day to wash them - if they are lucky. And, nice though it is to hear the clapping on a Thursday night, not all carers are sweet and motherly and kind. |
#50
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
Yes so much so but I’m no where near ready, in any sense of the word. It’s times like this I wish I were a man. You lucky buggers with your non ticking clocks. I’d consider adopting but the little bugger will go looking for it’s real parent one day and I’ll die even more bitter.
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#51
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
I relate to quite a bit in this article, particularly the feeling that my Mum got to point where she'd had enough of parenting and wanted to concentrate on herself instead (which probably isn't an unusual feeling for parents to have at times, but kids still need parenting right through the teenage years, you can't just opt out or it will leave lasting issues) and the feeling that this woman had that having parents who rely on you too much emotionally and having to take care of younger siblings leaves you not wanting to have children of your own.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...ith-parenthood |
#52
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
^ No I'm pretty sure I don't want to have any, I'll be happy just being an auntie at some point.
You're still young enough to have your own children! Men can have them at pretty much any age anyway (Bernie Whatsname just had one at age 89 although that is pushing it a bit I would say.) |
#53
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
^ Hmm, probably not but who knows.
Yeah, I'm not sure he'll be able to remember how many kids he has soon! |
#54
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
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#55
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
^ I think so too
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#58
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
I don’t think I will regret not having the experience of raising children. To me, that looks like a nightmare. For a start there is all the noise and bad smells, not to mention the financial cost, constant worry about their safety, and horrendous pressure it puts on your marriage (I once heard a therapist say that no marriage really survives kids). Then there is school, and the awful dramas that brings - bullying, difficulty with friends, etc. Then we have the nightmare of puberty. Then you have the heart breaking moment when they leave home and you can no longer protect them. Ugh...
Obviously there are massive upsides. It must be lovely to read a child a bedtime story, for example, or see their face when it snows, or when they first see a penguin or a lion, etc. And I’m sure it must be amazing to feel a family growing around you. But I just think my view of life is too dark. I would look at a baby and think “god, I am so sorry for bringing you into this horrible world- you are going to experience good things, but you’re also going to go through unbelievable amounts of pain, and one day you will have to face cancer and death†So no, the experience does not appeal one tiny bit. But I know there will be a terrible price to pay for not having kids. The brutal fact is, either you have kids or you must face old age, illness and death alone, with no one to hold your hand or love you or fight your corner. If I could skip the first 25 years and just have grown up kids then maybe I’d do it. |
#59
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
^ Lots of kids don't look after their parents in old age, they move abroad or they don't have a good relationship or they just don't want to do it! It's not worth having kids just for that. We need a better system of care and support for people in old age.
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#60
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Re: Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?
^^ Well technically the electric chair isn't used anymore, so children aren't condemned to that certainly.
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