Band problems

[Boc11]

As some of you know, I am in a band but recently, I am becoming increasingly resentful of the band and I really don't know why. I just don't enjoy it any more and to be honest, I've got to the stage where I would find a night in with the TV more enjoyable than doing a gig. How I managed to get into the band in the first place is quite incredible but it's like a job situation, I can act at first and keep the cracks papered over but the veneer breaks eventually.

I really do not fit in with the other members of the band who are mainly typical outgoing guys and I really feel like a loner at the gigs. They all go off and chat in their little cliques and chat to various people in the audience before the gigs and I just stand there feeling stupid or more recently I've taken to going for a walk as I love exploring the local area but that makes me feel even more different to them.

We have had a few discussions of late and indeed the manager came round to see me last week and was questioning my committment. He pointed out that I didn't fit in, that I needed to be more of a team player and that I need to "start fitting in" (yeah, like that's easy to do). I confessed that I really wasn't enjoying it any more and was considering leaving.

Yet if I did leave, I would really miss it for some reason, I do love the music and it is good to be up on stage. I am dreading this evening though as I have to go to band practice and I am trying to think of an excuse not to go as I know everyone is going to be mad at me for sending an email to the bass player (who I thought I could trust a bit) explaining exactly how I felt towards certain individuals and he printed it out and showed everyone. Everyone's going to be mad at me tonight. I just wish I could get out of it and go to my usual Monday night karaoke session instead which is far more enjoyable (and no committment, ie if I get fed up, I can go whenever I like!)

I am just so confused at the moment and really don't feel like making any decisions yet I am on the verge of a nervous break down. A month off band duties would be a good solution. Anyone have any ideas?

[darkhorse]

sorry to hear about that Boc. It sounds really cool that you are in a band. What kind of music is it and what instrument do you play?

With regard to your email, I think once you start talking about people you should be prepared that what you say becomes known to the people involved. If you stand by your email then you shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty. Best to tell it how it is than to pretend everything is ok.

I'd go to the practice tonight and see what happens. Then think about what you want to do after you have met up with them. There's no need for you to make rushed decisions.

[Huggy Kitty]

Just being in a band is well cool and you will have that on your belt forever, even if it does end one day. If you've made it along for this long then they value your presence so keep going as long as it lasts.

[Admiral Fool]

id go, youve made youre feelings clear, its all out in the open now, so maybe you wont have to keep feeling like your papering over the cracks, one way or the other you will get the opportunity to sort it out, and you and the band can either move forward or you can leave, but even if you do leave, it doesnt have to be the end, plenty of people move from band to band gaining experience until they find one they are comfortable with....i think being in a band can be pretty stressfull even without sa, if you are intending to make something of it, you will be spending so much time with these people that none of you will be able to have any secrets from eachother, but if its something you really want to do, then do it, there is no rule that says you have to be outgoing and sociable to be in a band, although i think its important to remember that you are all in it together and as such, you do have to be all pulling in the same direction for it to work.....

If it's a struggle to be in it then I would leave, but if there are reasons why keeping on going is something you want, then you have to wonder whether they are worth all the other, crap stuff.

[hardy]

I think its essential for you to go! Otherwise you MIGHT be doing the thing we SAers tend to .ie rejecting them before they get a chance to reject you!
but this is the one certain way of being rejected !
If you go youve at least a cHANCE you might not be rejected.

[T2003]

I would leave and start another band.
Things sound like they have got out of hand, and I'm not sure if its repairable.
I wouldn't give up your music, but maybe a change and a fresh start would do you good?
I'm sure you've already made up your mind what you're going to do. Even if your not certain of it.
Its not the end of the world, it just means you would have to work a lot harder. If you do quit, don't think of it as a bad thing but a new oppertunity. You can still go onto bigger and better things, even if you have to take a step back sometimes. Just learn what you can from this situation and move on (wheather that means quiting and starting a fresh or letting it blow over)

[Boc11]

Thanks for the replies folks. I play keyboard in a Ska band by the way. I am going to go tonight although I'm looking forward to it like a hole in the head. I think I'll try and stick it out for the time being although if I get given any shit I'm just going to walk out.

Quitting and starting another band isn't really an option, I didn't actively apply to join the band, they actually asked me. Applying to join another band is not something that I hold out any confidence over. I am not very confident at all although I'm sure it's just low self esteem, if I wasn't any good, they would have got rid of me and they did say that!

I know lately I have been a bit awkward and have made my excuses about band practice a few times but in all honestly, band practice is usually 10% practicing and 90% small talk. The other big disadvantage I have is I cannot drive so I have to rely on other people to get to gigs and this has caused a few arguments.

If I was in a band with people I got on with then I would love it but I feel like a fish out of water. This is affecting my "stage presence" as well, people have noticed that I look miserable at gigs which is probably because I am! Still, it never did 70s Glam Rock band Sparks any harm having a miserable looking guy and we could always do some Smiths songs!!! But generally, I just don't feel valued. Exactly the same thing applies at work and indeed I think that it is a case of nothing I do will ever be good enough rather than actually not being valued by try getting my stupid thick emotional brain to understand that apparantly simple concept. I did mention that in my email to the bass player, as well as my various mental health issues. But the type of people they are, they probably think depression is what you feel when your football team lose and social anxiety is something equally trivial.

I will be glad when it's tomorrow!

It's a real shame that the bass player betrayed your confidence with the email.
Doesn't sound like much of a friend.

Is it possible that you could learn to drive? I managed it, although it was pretty appalling at first.

[pboy]

I'd say, take time out for yourself, give yourself a break and time to sort things out, and later on join a new band. There's plenty about so shouldn't be too much of a problem.

[Cheshire Cat]

I'm in a band too but there's only 2 of us, which makes it much easier. I write the music and do all the programming/production stuff & he sings and writes the words. It's a cool deal. We've got out first gig soon too!

Sorry to hear you're having problems. But you're putting massive pressure on yourself to be something you're not if they don't know about your problem.

The band should be one of the happiest things in your life, and I'm sure all your difficulties with the band are related to your SA problems. It's a c**t of a disorder.

I quit the band I was in, in late January. I was the singer and bassist in it. I had to quit because of SA mostly and partly because it wasnt exactly my cup of tea (post-punk), and I actually hate singing

Tbh I'm much happier now that im out of it. Musically you should try and stick as closely to the kind of music you want to make as possible... that's the way it sounds the best.

No point pissing in the wind as they say. Maybe I'll stick that one up in my proverbs thread.

Anyhow I'd ask yourself what your getting out of being in the band Boc, and then ask yourself how you could get the same things and more with maybe a change of situation. Then work out how to do it and apply it. It sounds like you really don't like being in the band and that can be very hard to turn around. If you associate being uncomfortable with being in your band, then it can be hard to change that, especially when you're already depressed a lot of the time. A new direction might do you the world of good who knows..

[Boc11]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I did go in the end last night and it wasn't too bad really although I did keep myself to myself most of the time. At the end, the manager did bring up the problems with me and I just said I had a lot of "issues" in my life that were unrelated to the band but affect it and every other aspect of my life.

As CC said, it's definitely the SA that's causing the problem, ska is my favourite type of music although admittedly we do just play the same old songs every gig and it is getting a bit dull.

Jack7: I have tried learning to drive in the past and indeed I must have had nearly 100 lessons. If it wasn't for SA, I'd be able to drive absolutely fine as was proved when I had my own car and drove it with my dad but the moment an examiner got in the car and watched my every move, I turned into Maureen Rees!!! I have given up now on financial grounds as while I have SA, I don't think it's going to happen.

FoAS: Some good points there, thinking about what I'm getting out of the band is a very useful idea. What AM I getting? Well, off the top of my head:

- Experience of gigging
- Experience of difficult situations
- I thought it might 'toughen me up' but it hasn't yet
- Possibly meet new people (again hasn't happened yet)
- Improve my musical skills
- Gives me a chance to come out of my shell on stage
- Thought it would give me confidence but it hasn't
- Gives me something to do on a Saturday night (although if it wasn't for the band I'd be pubbing it (on my own) anyway.

Hmmn. That's made me think about it a bit more positively. I think I'll stick with it for the moment.