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  #601  
Old 30th March 2019, 00:19
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Quote:
Originally Posted by newbs16
^ I do hope that you start to feel some enjoyment in your life. It sounds like every day things are a struggle for you at the moment.
Thanks newbs, your kind messages always mean such a lot to me


Quote:
Originally Posted by Dougella
^^^ Please look after yourself Skitz.

^^ I'm sorry you're feeling this way, depression really is awful. It doesn't necessarily always have an obvious cause, which is the difficult thing. Have you thought about talking to your GP or another health professional if you see someone already?
Thanks so much for your kind feedback Dougella

I've actually got an appointment with my Doctor on April 1st, not that that ever makes any difference. I feel like I've tried every anti-depressant under the sun over the years and have been on Citalopram for a couple of years. It's obviously not doing it's job anymore or perhaps I'd feel even lower without it

I'm very slowly trying to wean myself off the benzodiazepines as I think they had started doing me a lot more harm than good, especially when it comes to exacerbating the Depression. But it's going to be a very slow process swapping from Lorazepam to Diazepam and then gradually tapering those down to nothing.

Ahh, Life's never easy that's for sure!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Skitz
thanks, I just feel like it will always be like this. not to say I'm not trying things to help myself.. I have been out running, spending time with friends, going to different places but it all just seems like what's the point. I get extreme paranoia when I'm out, I have mood swings through out the day, one minute I want to go off travelling, the next I want to kill myself and hide from the world, I'm crying my eyes out, I'm irritable and want to punch everyone.. then it's the over thinking about everything. Why am I like this... I go through stages of not eating for a while. but have gone into binge eating past few days, not slept properly for a few weeks now. I feel like I'm in a daze most of the time. When I'm with people I just go off on my own world for a few minutes when they are talking to me. I now feel like I really just need to run off and hide from the world, explore... be on on my own.. but deep down I know that's not going to help me. I get stressed easily, I can't handle lots of people or cities. I just kinda full apart. I have got into drinking like pretty much all the time now, I really don't want to but it's become addictive. It's like I'm trying to find anything to destroy myself. I need to get a grip. Argh life...

Sorry for rant, really don't like talking about my problems but comes to a point where you need to let it out. I'm sorry you seem to be struggling too
Please don't feel that you should apologise for talking about your problems here, Skitz, because this forum exists for people just like us to share and vent

You've done so well to go out running, meeting up with friends etc, inspite of your Depression. You are making big efforts to help yourself which is a lot more than I'm doing right now! Try to be proud of your efforts and achievements. A lot of people would choose the temporarily easier option and avoid but you haven't been doing this

I can imagine the regular mood swings are particularly difficult for you to cope with as it's so hard to make plans when you don't know how you will be feeling from one day to the next. I think you said that you had stopped taking your meds? Although I know only too well that they all come with some negative side effects I did find that anti-depressants at least helped to level out my moods - which isn't ideal - but was slightly preferable to being a blubbing wreck one day and then full of unrealistic optimism the next.

I can totally understand why you have started to seek solace in alcohol as in a way I've done the same with my benzodiazepines but we both know that because of the enormous risk of tolerance and addiction that they will only help for so long before they just exacerbate our problems. Why are the things that most help the very things that eventually cause us the most damage!

These mental health issues suck big time don't they, Skitz, but I guess we must be flipping strong to have gotten this far!

For what it's worth, you arn't alone with this and hopefully know that there are folk here, myself included, who can totally understand and empathise with all of your struggles.

Take care lovely and vent whenever you feel like it
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  #602  
Old 30th March 2019, 00:27
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skitz
Is it normal to get suicidal thoughts through out the day everyday? or am I just weird?
I agree with Dougella. I think such thoughts are 'normal' when you are suffering with severe Depression and I also think they can be very common if you are suffering with Obsessive Compulsive thoughts.

However, if you strongly feel that you are going to put such thoughts into action then it's wise to seek immediate help, even if it's just reaching out to a family member or offline/online friend or perhaps giving the Samaritans a call.
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  #603  
Old 31st March 2019, 10:13
anewyear anewyear is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skitz
there's times where I think I'm going to act on it but I can usually control myself and get myself out of it.
Take care Skitz I agree with others that you've done really well to try and push through with the running, meeting people etc despite the ebb and flow of depression.

Reading this thread it strikes me there's a whole bunch of lovely people on this forum. You're a part of something here.. take care. You matter.
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  #604  
Old 3rd April 2019, 16:45
Consolida Consolida is offline
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@ Melangell So sorry you are feeling this way. You've been through some very difficult times recently so don't beat yourself up for having such thoughts - we all have them from time to time, but they will pass. You've got at least two great reasons for carrying on. Hang on in there lovely
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  #605  
Old 8th April 2019, 04:11
newbs16 newbs16 is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ I hope you're okay, take care of yourself.
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  #606  
Old 8th April 2019, 06:32
Consolida Consolida is offline
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^^ I second what newbs says. Take care of yourself Skitz x
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  #607  
Old 8th April 2019, 23:39
Percy Percy is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skitz
what is the point in anything?
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  #608  
Old 10th April 2019, 11:20
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

I know my constant depression and lack of motivation for life must be starting to effect the people around me that are so dear to me. If I can't ever overcome these feelings, as I don't think I can, I wonder what the very point is of my sorry existence.
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  #609  
Old 10th April 2019, 22:19
Consolida Consolida is offline
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^ Thank you very much for your kind words Skitz. Just struggling rather a lot at the moment. Hope you start to feel better soon x
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  #610  
Old 12th April 2019, 23:28
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Hi Skitz, when was the last time you had a day of not drinking?
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  #611  
Old 13th April 2019, 02:42
Consolida Consolida is offline
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@ Skitz I can totally understand why you are relying on alcohol if it briefly helps to dampen some of the emotional pain that you feel because that's the reason I've become so reliant on Benzodiazepines, but I think they both add fuel to the fire and massively increase the terrible symptoms of Depression when they inevitably wear off. That's why I'm trying to slowly taper off the pills but it's SO very very hard I know.

I hope you are able to find the strength to very slowly reduce your dependence on drink. But don't beat yourself up over it. You are trying to cope the best you can in very difficult circumstances.

Just take ONE day at a time Skitz, we are all here for you
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  #612  
Old 13th April 2019, 12:14
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Hi Skitz, have you tried the soberrecovery forum?
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  #613  
Old 13th April 2019, 22:22
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Yeah, it is tricky when you are stuck in that pattern. You can easily feel like there is no getting out of it.
Usually the best advice is the most obvious advice but it is difficult to see that when we are in the grip of habitual drinking.
I think setting smaller targets at first helps you see it less of an insurmountable problem. So if you say, I will try only one day, then after that day, another. In them few days you will feel slightly better and quickly the cravings lessen.

How much do you usually drink? Or easier way of looking at it, how drunk do you usually get?
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  #614  
Old 14th April 2019, 09:42
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Well to be fair, that doesn't sound like a huge problem! I mean, if you are able to drink in a controlled way, I don't think it is that much different to smoking, or people who smoke weed everyday.

I suppose it depends on how much of a toll it is having on and whether it seems like its getting worse. I used to just drink myself to oblivion every time I drank.
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  #615  
Old 16th April 2019, 15:11
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skitz
when everything seems pointless... why am i still here for ?
Try and remember that it's your brain and nervous system doing this to you. When you feel depressed and empty, it's impossible to imagine feeling any other way. But you will. If you hang on, who knows where life will take you. This time next year you could be blissfully happy and amazed that you ever felt so bad.
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  #616  
Old 19th April 2019, 05:22
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning,

^ I'm sorry you are feeling so down about your situation

I hope this doesn't sound patronising as I certainly don't intend it to come across that way but 28 is very young and you have so much time to still achieve so many of the things that you would like to do.

It doesn't sound like you screwed up your youth at all and while it may have appeared that everyone around you was having a fun wild carefree time many were not or were just pretending to and probably too drunk to even remember. As for only having 3 partners by the age of 28, who an earth are you comparing yourself to? Hopefully not the promiscuous girl at College who claimed she had had 25 partners!!! If she didn't end up catching an STD or two and drastically reducing her chances of having children later on then I would say she was very lucky.

Comparing ourselves to others is never a good thing as we ALWAYS compare ourselves with those folk that we consider far more successful than ourselves (those who have lots of friends, partners, higher paid jobs, nicer cars etc..) and not to the many people who have a lot less than us or even to the majority of people who are living very average mundane lives.

I know comparing myself to others is something that I'm always doing myself, not helped by Facebook, but I do try to remind myself that what goes on privately behind people's closed doors is often no where near as enviable to what we see online.

Wow, the fact that you are able to live in Thailand for a few months a year sounds awesome and something that myself and many others would never have the courage to do! It all sounds very exotic and I'm sure A LOT of your peers would be very envious of you for that alone

I don't know when you are working from home whether you also have the opportunity to work within an Office environment too?
The freedom of working from home sounds perfect for someone with SA but I can understand that it must also feel quite isolating and is perhaps fuelling your anxiety and depression. Working from an Internet cafe doesn't sound so bad if it means it is getting you out into a more social environment. It's a start

Although you may not feel it at the moment it certainly doesn't sound that you aren't achieving things in life, quite the contrary in fact!! I really do think you should give yourself a lot more credit.

Honestly, most people I've spoken to, (in hindsight, and when they've removed those rose tinted spectacles of nostalgia) hated a lot of their youth (constantly worrying about exams, girls, keeping up with everyone else, searching for jobs, blah blah blah) and actually find their 30's and 40's less stressful in some respects.

It's good that you still enjoy certain aspects of your life - try to focus on these things while you are waiting for the feelings of despair to pass.
To end things now would be such an absolutely tragic waste as you clearly have so much to offer, Thai

Continue to stay strong, you will get through this difficult time you'll see x


Btw, sorry about the long ramble. I hope something in that lot helped!
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  #617  
Old 19th April 2019, 09:19
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Quote:
Originally Posted by thaifoodparadise
Got into a troubling rabbit hole of suicidal ideation yesterday that still hasn't gone away. I just can't get over how badly I've screwed up my youth. My thinking operates in a near constant comparison mode in which I evaluate my self-worth versus what I perceive others to be doing or have done with their lives.

For example, I consider myself useless and unattractive because I've only slept with 3 women. The reason I feel bad about this is that I believe the vast majority of people have a wild stage at some point in their 20s during which they are very promiscuous. Hookup culture is strongly encouraged in the modern world: I remember talking to a girl in college about our "numbers"; hers was something like 25, mine was 3. I'm 28 and I've never had that wealth of experience with the opposite sex.

Then, there's my work situation. The vast majority of twentysomethings work stable office jobs or some other people-oriented role at which they build several new social connections. I am 28 and I have self-isolated myself since 2015 by working online. The only positives of this have been freedom in my daily schedule, not having to commute, and being able to live abroad in Thailand for a few months each year. However, my work involves me sitting in front of a laptop screen for company in cafes and libraries. Talk about losing at life.

I enjoy some aspects of life but yesterday was the closest I've ever been to thinking **** it, I've messed up my youth and it ain't gonna improve from here for me. Might aswell end it.
I could really relate to much of what you said hear, thaifood.
It is difficult to give you some advice as I'm not really sure of your situation, or the efforts you've already put in to dating.

I would say, if you don't already, work out. Having a good physique will help you with looking attractive but not only that, it will help you feel more confident about yourself and will help with your posture since you sit around alot for work.

Consolida has a good point, comparing yourself to others is futile. One, because you can never really know if someone else is having as good a time as you think, and two, because it makes you miserable and instead of trying to make steps to move forward with certain areas of your life, you will dwell on what you haven't done, and therefore have the attitude, 'I never will'.

Do you socialise much or do online dating?
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  #618  
Old 19th April 2019, 16:34
Orwell20 Orwell20 is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

thaifoodparadise
Quote:
Got into a troubling rabbit hole of suicidal ideation yesterday that still hasn't gone away. I just can't get over how badly I've screwed up my youth. My thinking operates in a near constant comparison mode in which I evaluate my self-worth versus what I perceive others to be doing or have done with their lives.
Oh god, I know that feeling. I have missed out on so much. People on this forum sometimes ask whether you'd want to re-live your life. I would, but only if I could be free of the anxiety, depression and avoidance that destroyed my youth. I'd give anything to be 18 or 20 and not be socially anxious - to sleep around, go to parties, sit up all night at 'uni' smoking weed and chatting about Einstein and Zen Buddhism, etc. I have to be careful to avoid such thoughts. In my early 30s, that kind of thinking spiralled out control. I even used to picture the friends I ought to have made (to the point of naming them and imagining their background), then see myself, at 19 or 20, planning our trip to Glastonbury, or our year backpacking round India after we finished at university. The contrast between my life then (35, unemployed, isolated, depressed, living with my parents, filled with shame, etc) and the life I could have had (a life of fun, sex, friendship, etc) tortured me. Thankfully, once I reached 40 those thoughts stopped. Maybe it's because I'm so isolated. Or maybe it's because my wretched youth now seems so far away. In your 30s you still feel young, and you still feel close to your adolescence. Once you reach middle-age, however, something changes. It's like some chasm has opened between me and the past. I've accepted it, or, to be more accurate, I've given up!

Quote:
For example, I consider myself useless and unattractive because I've only slept with 3 women. The reason I feel bad about this is that I believe the vast majority of people have a wild stage at some point in their 20s during which they are very promiscuous. Hookup culture is strongly encouraged in the modern world: I remember talking to a girl in college about our "numbers"; hers was something like 25, mine was 3. I'm 28 and I've never had that wealth of experience with the opposite sex.
I wouldn't say three is unusual. I think the average is seven or eight. Many people have only ever been with their partner and are perfectly happy about that. I'm not sure that 25 is 'normal' either (seems quite a lot to me!). A lot of casual sex is rubbish anyway, so I wouldn't worry. Sex rarely lives up to the hype, especially when it's with someone you barely know. Sex with someone you love, in a great relationship, is much, much better. A friend, who slept around a lot, compared it to watching a great film with someone. Who would you rather go and see The Shawshank Redemption with, a beautiful stranger or your best friend? If you really want to bump up the number, you could always try an escort agency.

Quote:
Then, there's my work situation. The vast majority of twentysomethings work stable office jobs or some other people-oriented role at which they build several new social connections. I am 28 and I have self-isolated myself since 2015 by working online. The only positives of this have been freedom in my daily schedule, not having to commute, and being able to live abroad in Thailand for a few months each year. However, my work involves me sitting in front of a laptop screen for company in cafes and libraries. Talk about losing at life.
The key to life is working out what you want. And that is harder than it sounds, because we all internalize other people's standards and expectations. We delude ourselves into thinking we want X when in fact that is someone else's ambition. Don't worry about what's 'normal,' or what other people think you ought to do. **** em. Work out who you are, what you enjoy, and do it. Then find the strength not to allow other people to label, box or define you. Don't live your life trying to be normal. Who sets those standards of normality anyway? Usually the loud, gobby extroverts. There are countless 20-somethings out there who HATE their office job. For many, it's like being back at school: the pretty, bitchy, 'cool' girls; the obnoxious alpha males; the bullied 'weirdos'...uggghhh. Horrible. Many people hate their work colleagues. My sister, for example, has made two close friends outside of work - one at yoga, the other at her Spanish class. Others make friends with people in their apartment block, or they get chatting to someone in the local cafe, or whatever. You don't need to be in an office to make friends.

Just out of interest, what do you do? I'd love to spend my working life sat in cafes with a laptop!!
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  #619  
Old 1st May 2019, 12:36
Fantastical Fantastical is offline
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I'm done.
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  #620  
Old 1st May 2019, 12:56
Dougella Dougella is offline
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^ Has something happened Fantastical?
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  #621  
Old 1st May 2019, 13:34
Fantastical Fantastical is offline
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I'm out of fight.
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  #622  
Old 1st May 2019, 14:14
Fantastical Fantastical is offline
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Only one way to get that properly.
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  #623  
Old 1st May 2019, 14:36
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Can you reach out for help and support anywhere? (Ofcourse everyone here is always here for that too) If things have become too much, sometimes you need to take a step back, share some of the burden and let yourself have a rest like Melangell says.
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  #624  
Old 1st May 2019, 15:13
Fantastical Fantastical is offline
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There's nothing anyone can do. Tried asking for help but there's nothing or I **** it up yet again.

Got people that care but that doesn't seem to make any difference. So ****ing selfish.
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  #625  
Old 1st May 2019, 15:45
Dougella Dougella is offline
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It sounds like you're being very negative towards yourself, which you really don't deserve .
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  #626  
Old 1st May 2019, 16:28
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Sorry to hear that you're feeling so low right now, Fanta, but I hope you can find a way to hold on until hope returns. You're a lovely person and it was such a pleasure to meet you at Leeds and York last year; you know that you have many people here, myself included, who care about you and will be there for you when needed.

Sometimes, we need to hit rock bottom to find a way back to what's good; I was there six or seven years ago, feeling hopeless, but within a couple of years things began to improve and have been getting better ever since; the future is unwritten for all of us and you never know what may be in yours.

Please try to take a breath, recharge your batteries and come back stronger.

Sent from my SM-J330FN using Tapatalk
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  #627  
Old 6th May 2019, 04:21
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

.
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  #628  
Old 6th May 2019, 14:52
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning,

Quote:
I hope this doesn't sound patronising as I certainly don't intend it to come across that way but 28 is very young and you have so much time to still achieve so many of the things that you would like to do.
If regenerative medicine, anti-ageing drugs, etc live up to the hype, even 50 or 60 may soon be young. Plenty of people now predict lifespans of 150, even 200 for those in the developed world (of course, nuclear war, overpopulation or climate change may destroy us first, but that's another subject )


Quote:
Honestly, most people I've spoken to, (in hindsight, and when they've removed those rose tinted spectacles of nostalgia) hated a lot of their youth (constantly worrying about exams, girls, keeping up with everyone else, searching for jobs, blah blah blah) and actually find their 30's and 40's less stressful in some respects.

So true. This point needs to be stressed. Of course, some people really do have an awesome time and yearn to go back. But I'd say the majority of people struggle. In fact, I'd hazard a guess that at least half hated their adolescence and 20s. Never underestimate the power of self-delusion. Often, people who had a sh*t childhood or adolescence, or whose university years were scary and lonely, will look back with nostalgia. I've seen them do it. They twist and distort the past, and then they believe their own lies.

The great thing about getting older is the freedom and space. People stop judging and pressuring you. And you stop caring what they think anyway.
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  #629  
Old 6th May 2019, 16:07
limey123 limey123 is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moksha
The great thing about getting older is the freedom and space. People stop judging and pressuring you. And you stop caring what they think anyway.
Or at least, caring less.
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  #630  
Old 7th May 2019, 14:25
Tom Morello Tom Morello is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Thought about it these last few days, the only thing I get any joy from is playing Pokemon games like I'm 8 years old again; which was probably the last time I didn't feel expectations hanging round my neck from myself or other people.
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