Negative self image/BDD

[Polygon]

Apologies in advance for the self indulgent post!

I know from reading that I'm not alone on here in having some pretty severe issues with the way that I look and come across. I believe my negative self image has played a huge part in my social anxiety, agoraphobia and depression. So many of the situations I fear the most are mainly terrifying to me because I obsess over not looking 'right'.
I have always felt very different to others in so many ways, I feel hideous, permanently self conscious and ashamed. I'm constantly wondering how people are seeing me and it gets in the way of almost everything.
I've never been able to put my finger on exactly what it is about me either which makes things harder as I don't know what I can change. I just feel I'm generally weird looking and awkward, particularly when speaking. The harder I try to improve the way I look (with makeup, different hairstyles, clothes etc), the more frustrated I become as nothing helps I've lost count of the amount of times I've cried infront of the mirror.
This has affected my life massively and even that in itself fills me with shame. It feels wrong to care so much, I tell myself it's vanity and there are people with far more serious problems and that I should be grateful. I just can't stop though.
I have actually been a little better for a few years now, I seemed to become more accepting of myself when I hit 30 for some reason. Not that I was any better looking, just that it didn't seem to matter as much for a while. Recently these feelings are all coming back again though. This is probably in part due to ageing I suppose. Also from being single and feeling too ugly and self conscious to take any steps to meet or be good enough for anybody. Also, from being at a stage in my life where I'm trying to finally face my fears and live a little.

I don't know exactly how it all started, I don't remember ever feeling comfortable with how I looked, even as a child. I always knew all the other girls were pretty and feminine and I was just weird and awkward. We were quite poor too and I never had fashionable clothes and was picked on a fair bit for that. Secondary school was the worst though, I can remember being called ugly and laughed at so many times as if it were yesterday. Now any compliments just don't register with me, it's too deeply ingrained in me that I'm a vile freak who should hide from the world, and that's exactly what I have done.

I actually had no intention of making this post so long and rambling, I think this is the most I've ever written on here I'm sorry.

I really just want to know how many others can relate and if anyone has overcome these thoughts and how? I don't know if any therapy would help at all or if I'm just too old and too late to change the only way I've ever felt. I did try to talk to my doctor once about it but he actually laughed at me.

[custom_fusion-lqx]

I look different to most people so yeh i feel very insecure. I used to spend several hours a day looking at myself at different angles in the mirror under different kinds of lighting and taking photos over and over. I am not in any way over this at all.

[Progress]

Originally Posted by Mousey

I really just want to know how many others can relate and if anyone has overcome these thoughts and how? I don't know if any therapy would help at all or if I'm just too old and too late to change the only way I've ever felt. I did try to talk to my doctor once about it but he actually laughed at me.

I can understand if that doctor had upset or angered you, but in a way I can understand it. Maybe a doctor should know better but for most people (myself included) it is quite difficult to understand. You are very good looking, as is everyone here with BDD that I have seen pictures of. It is quite difficult for me to properly understand it.

I'm sure there is a danger that from the outside, people who don't know about BDD, will mistake it for vanity or shallowness. I don't know if you've had that problem.

Maybe you ought to try the doctors again, and make them understand about BDD.

[Polygon]

Originally Posted by Progress

I can understand if that doctor had upset or angered you, but in a way I can understand it. Maybe a doctor should know better but for most people (myself included) it is quite difficult to understand. You are very good looking, as is everyone here with BDD that I have seen pictures of. It is quite difficult for me to properly understand it.

I'm sure there is a danger that from the outside, people who don't know about BDD, will mistake it for vanity or shallowness. I don't know if you've had that problem.

Maybe you ought to try the doctors again, and make them understand about BDD.

Yes definitely, I've been accused of just attention seeking or fishing for compliments a few times and it hurts. I don't want to care, I'd give anything not to.

[Mina]

I don't really have any suggestions, but I can tell you that I used to feel exactly how you describe.

I used to feel ugly and self conscious all the time. I used to feel people were staring at me. I also tried lots of make up/clothes/hair colours to try and feel confident. I also looked in the mirror a lot and would sometimes cry because I felt so ugly.

I still dislike how I look and have never seen a photo that I've liked, but I don't feel like I used to anymore. I don't know why. Perhaps having a bf has helped? Or maybe I've seen an improvement in this symptom because my anxiety has evolved into other symptoms such as worrying more about what I have said than how I look?

Sorry for not being more helpful, good luck and keep trying at the doctors. BDD is a real problem and affects many aspects of your life so your GP should refer you if you ask for help.

[Polygon]

Originally Posted by CornflakeGirl

Have you ever spoken to a mental health professional about it?

I haven't really no, only about feeling self conscious and 'different' but not more specifically than that.



Thanks for all the replies

[mossieman]

yes i can relate hated the way i look from being a child, used to hate to have to have the school photo taken & even hated having to look at myself to shave when i was older. i have no photos of me as an adult (i'm 47 now) as i will not let anyone take one & only 1 mirror in the house which is very rare that i use it. however being male i have one advantage which is better than make-up, i now have a breard & moustach to hide most of my face behind

[Mina]

Hmm I just read that Wikipeadia article and it's made me think of another thing that may have helped me - I don't have any mirrors in my house. For the last 10 years I have not had anything other than either a small wall mirror or compact mirror in my handbag. Maybe less mirror-checking helps?

When I was a teenager living at home I was most obsessed with my appearance and flaws- and I had 3 mirrors in my bedroom! The front of the 2 wardrobe doors had full length mirrors on them and a there was a large wall mirror about 3m x 1m (I shared a room with my sister so we had a double length dressing table and the mirror was above it).

I remember when I was getting ready to go out I would walk back and forth from the wardrobe to the dressing table to see if I looked better in either mirror. Then sometimes I would have a look in the bathroom mirror too.

No wonder I have OCD symptoms now, I was pretty obsessive with my mirror-checking and make-up applying. My mum always thought I was being vain, but to me checking the mirror was like morbid fascination, I was never admiring myself.

[Polygon]

Living with two teenagers means ditching all the mirrors wouldn't go down well I may just see if I can grow a beard

[Mina]

Originally Posted by Mousey

Living with two teenagers means ditching all the mirrors wouldn't go down well I may just see if I can grow a beard

Yeah probably not.

I can only suggest that you try again with the doctor and see if you can get a proper referral, you shouldn't have to feel so low in confidence.

If only you could spend a day with Gok Wan! I know that BDD is really difficult to manage and you couldn't be "cured" with a confidence course, but even if you could find a few things about yourself that you like it might help diminish the thoughts you have about your perceived flaws.

[Tom123]

Originally Posted by Mina

Perhaps having a bf has helped?

I found that, when I had a girlfriend my issues where nowhere near as bad - I was still obsessive about my appearance but not even close to what I was/am now. It was validation that I wasn't actually a hideous monster.

Sadly the way it ended sort of destroyed that though - I have been wondering recently if it ended in a better fashion whether I would have kept the confidence I had gained. I'm really not sure to be honest.

[-Simon-]

Mousey, do you never read the comments every time you post a picture? You are universally acknowledged by boys and girls, gay and straight, as being gorgeous. I know it means little coming from others and the whole idea of measuring personal worth on physical appearance is not healthy, but that doesn't take away from the undeniable fact that you're very good-looking. (this isn't a desperate attempt at chat-up btw, i'm old enough to be your dad's dad)

[Polygon]

Originally Posted by -Simon-

Mousey, do you never read the comments every time you post a picture?

I do and it feels great for ....seconds perhaps. Then my brain kicks in and tells me that people are wrong for whatever reason because I know that it's just not true. I generally feel like some sort of fraud then and hate myself more for it :/

Originally Posted by surelynot

Compliments usually don't touch it, and can even worsen it, because it seems to undermine the problem if you're told, 'Oh, you're lovely, what's the issue?'.

I have (probably) BDD - I certainly have severe selfhatred about my looks which prevents me from participating in life properly, and compliments probably do as much for it as being told, 'Oh, everyone gets shy sometimes' does for SA....not much at all.

Absolutely agree

[-Simon-]

Originally Posted by surelynot

^ BDD is nothing to do with how you *actually* look, and all to do with how you see yourself, though. Like with SA, it's a distortion of perception.

Compliments usually don't touch it, and can even worsen it, because it seems to undermine the problem if you're told, 'Oh, you're lovely, what's the issue?'.

I have (probably) BDD - I certainly have severe selfhatred about my looks which prevents me from participating in life properly, and compliments probably do as much for it as being told, 'Oh, everyone gets shy sometimes' does for SA....not much at all.

Ah ok, I didn't think of that. I was thinking of my own case, I see photos of myself when I was much younger (not many and not often, thankfully) and I think - actually I looked quite good back then. I wish I had realised at the time, I certainly don't remember anyone telling me, maybe I would have been more confident. Sadly I am now old and many years of drug and alcohol misuse has wreaked havoc and the realisation that I wasn't a hideous gargoyle has come too late.

[ryanharris]

Originally Posted by surelynot

^ BDD is nothing to do with how you *actually* look, and all to do with how you see yourself, though. Like with SA, it's a distortion of perception.

True, i found this out the hard way. I used to be pretty over weight, over 100kg at one point, and was bullied about it since i was 8-9ish. When i got to 16 i decided to lose it all in the hopes it would "fix" me. So i spent about 4 years working out really hard and got down to my ideal weight................and i still thought i looked like crap I'm getting there now, but like surelynot says, its all in my head rather than how i actually look.

Obviously losing the weight was a good thing, i'm a lot healthier now. But if i'd spent as much time trying to change my perception of myself instead of trying to change myself physically i'd probably be over it by now.

[DiazepamBrunette]

This is an interesting read.

I used to hate the way I looked as a teenager, and was called all ugly names under the sun, but I actually grew into quite a good looking woman, so I don't think my appearance has a major factor with regard to my SA these days.

Unfortunately, a lot of doctors don't take SA, or BDD, seriously enough. I am lucky that I found a good doctor when I moved to my new flat - the first good doctor I have had in my life!

Perhaps you should look into changing GPs.

Big hug, darling

[Polygon]

thankyou, I think you're right