Fed up of being too anxious and awkward, don't think I'll ever make friends

Marie8 · #1 12th October 2019, 23:41

I'm just so fed up of being this way, it's making me feel really down and sh*t about myself. I wish I could change this but I just don't know how. I am fed up of being a loner and so scared I'll never make any friends. I've always been like this since being a kid I struggled to make and keep friends at school. I'm just not a likable person and people tend to think I'm weird and I know this because people have said so in the past, both as a kid and an adult. I'm too nervous and awkward and must make other people feel uncomfortable, I'm so unnatural and don't know how to act around people. I try to mimic people I am around, but I'm rubbish at it.

I am so scared of rejection that I have given up trying to make friends now. Last year I felt I had made some progress and taken a step forward. I went to a work party and after a few drinks got chatting to another girl who I work with in the office who is a similar age to me. I wasn't so drunk I don't remember what I was saying but I felt confident enough to tell her about my anxiety and awkwardness and apologised for being so quiet at work and is I seemed rude. She started hugging me and saying how nice I am and how she used to be shy and nervous around people, so knew what it was like. She comes across as confident but she said she sometimes finds it hard to know what to say to people (I don't see it, she seems to think of something to say straight away). Anyway after that we danced a bit and I went round to hers for a drink before I got a taxi home. She was saying how I should come out more often, how it would be great for us to go on holiday together. And at the time I believed it all and was so happy, but it seems it was all just drunken rubbish which she probably doesn't even remember saying.

Anyway, after that for a few months I spoke to her a little in the office, just short conversations, but I felt a bit better about things, though she never did ask me to go for a drink again. Then a few months later a new girl started, a really bubbly and confident girl and straight away they got on really well and seem to be really good friends now. They are always talking at work about going out for drinks and they go out with their boyfriends and do double dates etc. too. This just makes me feel shit and the other day they were talking about what time they should meet at the new bar that's just opened blah blah blah. And I felt really angry and hurt because I thought she wanted to be my friend last year and I told her about my anxiety and if she really understood wouldn't she try to make me feel included? I just feel she either doesn't like me or just can't remember. Also I'm 31 and she is 33 and this other girl is 25. I suppose the other girl seems grown up and her age, whereas I probably seem about 18 to them, but they know my age.

Anyway this is probably really stupid and childish. I a just upset and it just makes me fear I'll never have any friends. Does anyone else relate to this or being in a similar situation? Do you think I should try talking to her again or is it pointless? I guess I could wait until the xmas party and just get drunk again and try and show people I am not a boring person. probably make a fool of myself and start crying or something though.

Tom1985 · #2 13th October 2019, 13:59

I wish I had some good advice for you Marie. I don't think it's rare for people

to make a load of drunken plans while in the moment and everything seems

great...then never follow through when it's back to reality.

You have done nothing wrong, you are not a bad person, you just have

social anxiety and issues relating to that as we all do.

These "bubbly" outgoing types don't have the stresses we have. They don't

know how fortunate they are to instinctively be able to interact, make friendships

and communicate seemingly so easily.

I think perhaps you'd be better suited trying to find friends who are quieter

more like-minded people, rather than trying to mould yourself and fit in with

others of a completely different nature.

Best wishes Marie, I appreciate how hard life is and really empathise with you.

Reformation · #3 13th October 2019, 14:27

A good thing from your story is drink showed you a side of yourself that can open up and be sociable and connect with others. To go from being very lonely with no friends, to making that connection, going to her house and making plans for the future, all in one night, shows the real you. And it's anxiety that stops you.

There are so many people who, even if they haven't experienced anxiety for as long or as severe as us, will still understand partially. They were once shy and lonely, lacking in confidence. They came out the other side. So I'm sure all of what she said was genuine.

Even more so, there are plenty of people who, although appear confident to some, aren't too confident when you scratch the surface. They bounce off others energy and other people who are perhaps more confident and outgoing than them. It makes them feel good when they can be their confident self at least on the surface and certain people will allow them to do that. Therefore, it would take an additional level of confidence, understanding and patience, for them to reach out to someone with SA whilst still receiving a response that doesn't make them feel good about themselves

If you are still behaving the same, albeit slightly less awkward, around her at work and therefore that friendship from that drunken night didn't blossom, it makes sense. But it's just natural and it's not necessarily her being nasty, lying on that night, or choosing that new employee over you.

If you can, I'd try and be friendly and approachable with her at work as best as you can and try not to let your feelings turn into bitterness and anger for the two of them when you see them having fun.

I really hope you can get friendly with them both in work and at the Christmas party and build on something that will make you happy.

Congratulations with being honest about your anxiety too. There are people out there who will understand and also try harder in reaching out to you knowing your anxiety makes it harder for you. Being honest with the right people is a good thing I think.

Orwell20 · #4 13th October 2019, 17:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marie8

I'm just so fed up of being this way, it's making me feel really down and sh*t about myself. I wish I could change this but I just don't know how. I am fed up of being a loner and so scared I'll never make any friends. I've always been like this since being a kid I struggled to make and keep friends at school. I'm just not a likable person and people tend to think I'm weird and I know this because people have said so in the past, both as a kid and an adult. I'm too nervous and awkward and must make other people feel uncomfortable, I'm so unnatural and don't know how to act around people. I try to mimic people I am around, but I'm rubbish at it.

Obviously I don't know you, but there are people out there who would like to be your friend. I bet the problem isn't that you are weird (what's normal!!?) but that you find it hard to relax, open up and let people in. The alcohol allowed that to happen, and look at the amazing results. Don't worry about this one particular girl. There are millions of people out there to befriend. The fact that she reacted that way (hugging you, suggesting you go on holiday together) shows that you can make friends when you loosen up. The key is finding ways to do so.

Bluebear · #5 13th October 2019, 17:41

Hi Marie,

I think being honest and open with the right people is a good thing too .. I'm similar in that I'm much more relaxed at some parties than in an every day work sort of environment. I don't think you did anything wrong..

Debbie82 · #6 13th October 2019, 18:24

Aw I understand this overthinking and it can really eat away at your self esteem. You have to think though..the girl you were friendly with on the night out mentioned that she used to be shy and nervous around people..maybe she still is to an extent and feels a bit embarrassed in case you don't want to be her friend? It's a horrible feeling in work though when you feel everyone is having fun and you are not part of that group. It's not nice leaving people out. Stay strong though you haven't done anything wrong. It's her loss

Marie8 · #7 15th October 2019, 23:47

Thanks for your replies. I just think I make most people feel uncomfortable and awkward because that's how I am and I'm sure people think I'm strange. I can't think clearly at the moment I'm sure I'm depressed, my mind is spinning and I can feel a pressure building up and making me want to scream. I'm having cbt but not that helpful so far but only had a few sessions so far. My mind is just racing.

Debbie82 · #8 16th October 2019, 00:10

I feel the same at the moment Marie. Go to the doctors. You need to discuss how you feel. You will be listened to and you will feel so much better once you have an action plan of how to tackle SA more effectively. It is so hard but I think us SA sufferers are really brave. We are generally really kind and conscientious people - we care too much that is all. Keep going with the CBT and good luck.

3stacks · #9 16th October 2019, 00:35

I hope you find some relief through cbt. You're probably not as awkward as you think it's common for people with social anxiety to think that and they're usually wrong.

Bluebear · #10 18th January 2020, 22:36

I've often felt that I make most people feel uncomfortable and awkward because that is how I am. It isn't always that way though although it more often was when I was younger. I've been thinking of you and hoping you've found some decent help out there. I also agree with Debbie that people with SA are generally kind... we often care too much. I'm not always all that hard working but it sounds like you are Marie. It's probably also true that you aren't as awkward as you think.