Offering help then not following through

[Shy_pretty_Angela]

Does anyone else find a real problem with those who offer help then fail to follow through? Ive had a lot recently as my mum has been admitted to hospital after being very ill with a UTI.
Even people from the church are saying..." call anytime we are family now". Offering to do shopping for me.
Then in reality when you call on them they dont seem that keen?
It really bothers me because I can get shopping delivered to my flat but if someone offers I wont make arrangements!!
I would rather they dont fake support!!

[biscuits]

It can be empty from some people - like it's the right thing to say but they don't actually mean it. I only offer if I actually mean it.

Can you email the vicar to see if they can put the word out that you need help? I'm sure someone would. Although, you have to be careful that no one is going to take advantage.

[Chess&Junkfood]

It's a shame when words do become hollow, Angela. Especially when you end up having to make alternative arrangements. I have low expectations when it comes to these things. Although I don't mean that in a negative way, but in a "that's life" kind of way. After all, it's nice to offer support. It sounds good. It even looks good on paper when you write it down. But when it comes to that pesky follow through, then I think it loses its gloss for some people. As for myself, like Biscuit said, I will offer support if I can do it. If I said to someone, "Let's do lunch", then lunch it is! I also agree with what Biscuit said about being cautious when it comes to support. I'm reminded of the time when I used to take my Aunty and her friends to bingo. Then one day I had to replace my car and I remember the Daughter of my Aunty's friend was looking at me very suspiciously. Whereas before, we were hunky dory. Then it occurred to me that she probably thought I had got myself a harem of sugar grannies! Where in reality, I had to dip into my savings. Although I didn't blame her for being cynical. That's life. But I think it comes back to what people can expect from others. Or not, as the case might be. Whereas if it's family of course, then it's usually a given. And it's definitely a given when sugar grannies are involved!

Anyway, I hope you will find more supportive friends in the future.

[biscuits]

^ I feel like you would want a sugar granny to give you actual sugary goods.

[Chess&Junkfood]

You know me so well, Biscuit!

[Mr. Nobody]

Originally Posted by Shy_pretty_Angela

the church are saying..." call anytime we are family now". Offering to do shopping for me.
Then in reality when you call on them they dont seem that keen?

Sometimes life gets in the way though,
Someone who offered to help you may have already agreed plans for that day and so couldn't help on that occasion,
I sometimes forget just how busy some people's lives are,
I can't quite believe how much some people cram into their day,
I'm usually happy if I get the dishes done and cook a meal after work.

[Shy_pretty_Angela]

Sometimes it feels like a let down because you start to rely on them where as before you were self sufficient!
Ive had many good people follow through .

[gregarious_introvert]

I think that people often (but not always) say these things in good faith (as Mr. Nobody says, people have other commitments) but it's almost a reflex which doesn't take into account how much or how little time they have available. "If there is anything I can do..." is on a par with "How are you?" in that nobody expects your full medical history for the latter and most people don't expect that there is anything that you would ask them to do for the former.

I'm actually in a similar situation, in that my next door neighbour has Alzheimer's and I know that her husband sometimes struggles with looking after her, so of course I have said that any time he needs help, all he has to do is "knock on" - but he is also aware that I'm at home less than half the time and that when I am at home, I have a lot which needs to be done. So far, he hasn't called on me once (and to be honest, I don't really expect him to, like many of us, he would need to be absolutely desperate before he asked for help), but if he did, I would do what I could and my offer was (and is) a genuine one.

I think that a lot of people offer help and then are surprised or taken aback when actually asked for it. I think the best approach is to do what you can and only seek assistance when you really need it: that way, the other person gets to feel good about themselves for helping and is more likely to offer help in the future, knowing that you waited until you were desperate to ask, rather than (as some might) taking advantage by asking them to help with every little thing.

[Shy_pretty_Angela]

I understand that under normal circumstances but mum was admitted to A and E and I have severely limited mobility so its seemed very wrong to offer and not follow through!