Psychologist Ellen Hendriksen: ‘We are each our own worst critic’

[firemonkey]

Ellen Hendriksen is a clinical psychologist, regular contributor to Scientific American and host of the award-winning podcast The Savvy Psychologist. Her new book about social anxiety, How to Be Yourself, has been described by Susan Cain (bestselling author of Quiet) as “groundbreaking”.

What is your definition of social anxiety?
Social anxiety is often thought of as a fear of judgment or a fear of people, but that’s not accurate. Social anxiety is a perception that there is something embarrassing or deficient about us and that unless we work hard to conceal or hide it, it will be revealed and then we’ll be judged or rejected as a result.

For instance, we might have the perception that we are boring, awkward or have nothing to say, or any one of a million perceived flaws. We might avoid parties for these reasons, but we might also avoid them covertly by going to the party and only talking to the friend we arrived with, by scrolling through our smartphones or standing on the edge of groups.

So the root of social anxiety is fear of this reveal, and it is grown and maintained by avoidance.


https://www.theguardian.com/science/...rder-interview

[gregarious_introvert]

This is a book I haven't read, but I've read the interview and it seems to me that Dr Hendriksen is making the assumption that what underlay her social anxiety is the primary cause for all of us; not everyone believes that we have an embarrassing flaw or deficiency which needs to be concealed (I, for instance, am perfect, apart from a small tendency towards self-delusion!), there are other possible causes which is why CBT is not appropriate for all sufferers. I also disagree when Dr Hendriksen states that social anxiety and shyness are the same thing (they are not!).

In the article, the author also opines that sufferers of social anxiety have positive traits such as high standards and empathy, whilst being conscientious, good listeners and working hard to get along with other humans; it seems to me that, in making these assumptions, Dr Hendriksen is focussing on her own issues and ironically, I believe that one of the root causes of social anxiety disorder is being excessively self-focussed, in that whatever we do, say or feel is immediately obvious to others, most of whom won't even, in reality, notice - or that when others are talking or laughing, it must be about us or directed at us.

Psychologists - and other mental health professionals - need to recognise that there are many possible contributory causes to social anxiety disorder and not to focus on one single cause and/or coping mechanism, that it is a complex disorder and there is no catch-all method of dealing with it. Of course, none of us is perfect and for many of us, it is coming to terms with our imperfections (which are not necessarily flaws) which can help us on the road to reaching non-inhibiting levels of anxiety; the realisation that we can make mistakes (or even, occasionally, fools of ourselves) without the world crashing around us is liberating.

Apart from these assumptions on Dr Hendriksen's part, her views as expressed in the article are insightful, if not ground-breaking (as far as I can see, there is nothing new here); I would say that this article alone, if not the book, could be helpful to many. However, it seems that, underlying Dr Hendriksen's approach is the need to fit in, whereas for many of us, it is important to find ways for others to fit in with us (why should we change who we are?) - relationships (including social ones) are always a compromise, we adapt, we present different aspects of ourselves according to the company around us (this is a natural way of being, not changing to fit in but showing the side of ourselves which is most appropriate, as we are all complex beings who have many facets and it is impossible to show every side of ourselves in every situation) so there is an element of fitting in on both sides, we should not be the ones making all the effort, that way resentment lies.

I do agree that action comes before confidence (however, this isn't simple as many of the views expressed on this forum testify - action with no confidence seems impossible), that taking steps to change our situation involves risk (sadly, unavoidable) and that each of us is our own worst critic (which applies not only to sufferers of social anxiety, but to everyone with any degree of self-awareness). Dr Hendriksen is right that anxiety is driven by uncertainty (whatever else may be in dispute, this is a universal and logical truth) and in a world full of uncertainties, there will always be anxiety. Perhaps one of the things which makes our levels of anxiety disorderly is that we assume others have greater certainty about their own lives or situations, which is not necessarily true (those who have that degree of certainty will be delusional to some degree, nothing is absolutely certain).

Anyway, I seem to be losing the thread of what I wanted to say (since I started writing this post, I've been interrupted by a couple of telephone calls and some messages), but if you haven't clicked through to the article, I would say that it is worth doing so - there may be some "lightbulb moments" in there which will spark a train of thought which proves helpful; however, if the more assumptive parts of Dr Hendriksen's theories don't apply to you, just remember that there are also more universal truths to be found here and don't dismiss everything. You may have heard similar views before, but the article does express things reasonably succinctly.