How is everyone feeling? (31)

[Mellie]

nope, I probably drink too much coffee too.

[Mellie]

sounds different Nanuq, healthy though

[Mellie]

I don't count, but through out the day... too many!! I try to drink camomile tea and trying to drink more water. but I'm addicted to coffee. asked my house mate to get me decaff coffee.

[Mellie]

yeah it doesn't affect my sleep, that's fine at the moment.

[choirgirl]

I'm back with my daily moan. I've left the anger for the journal. I did not realise so many of my actions and inactions have been influenced by negative core beliefs and a need to punish myself. It's blowing my mind in a bad way. You don't know what you don't know, but it was my fault for not knowing. My internalised homophobia was so much worse than I was consciously aware of, although it has got better over the years. The sudden shame when triggered by some random remark irl may have been a clue I had stuff to work on. I did turn a poker face into a hard stare at work some years back though. (Too much?) That wasn't till my mid 30s when I started giving less of a ****. A bit late, really.

The anxiety stopped everything from being sorted out. I think I have a lot of risk factors for anxiety. I was ashamed of being anxious. If I'd been less anxious and more normal, I probably would have done the work full-time, rent a shared place in a city, go out a lot thing in the noughties. I feel exhausted just thinking about it. I could have been out. I could have gone to a decent gay club instead of the shitty one I went to that one time. I could have found out about all this stuff. I could have got some action. Anything could have happened. It would have been worth it, at least for a short time until I reverted back to my people-avoiding, I need my downtime, I need half my life to be downtime, self.

[Mellie]

feeling irritated and frustrated.

[Professor Willow]

Bruised and confused.

Bruised because I had an argument with a tractor yesterday and it won.
Confused because there are a heck of a lot of people out and about considering we are meant to be in lockdown.

[choirgirl]

^^^Yeah, it's all, woulda, coulda, shoulda stuff, but I am such an idiot. I think the anxiety shame was probably a follow on from the gayness shame and possibly neurodivergence shame (although I didn't know about that, but I did know I had to work harder than most people to be acceptably social.) Like you say, by the time you've been trained to feel ashamed of yourself, it just keeps going.

And I was surrounded by people who didn't have anxiety, so inevitably, I compared myself to them and found myself wanting. Indeed, if they had had it I probably wouldn't have met them. I did have one friend who had a bit of social anxiety, he had this thing about standing in queues. That was reassuring to meet someone who had it. Mine has always been worse for the big things, like getting and starting jobs. I used to feel I was tricking someone into giving me a job and I would be found out as a fraud and that would be terrible, but obviously I needed to earn money. All a bit weird when looked at rationally. (Clearly not one of my strong points!) And the culture was and is very extrovert-praising. I got the message from society that if you weren't sociable and confident, you would never be successful and it would be your fault. And I don't think people were so open about mental health. Seeing a therapist was something people did in Woody Allen films. You are right of course it is the shame, self-doubt and self-criticism that is the real issue.

[Mellie]

not really, everyone thinks I'm mad.

[Mellie]

most of my friends have stopped talking to me cos I'm mad.

[3stacks]

Bored and empty

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[Utopia]

I'm feeling OK now but, have been in a state of high anxiety recently after recieving threats in the form of stab marks left in my flat, and a bullet drawn on a window. I can't really get into it, but I have mostly calmed down after a decreased frequency after going through a lot to keep the property more secure. Unfortunately emergency services seemed to know about the situation, and explained "noone cares" and that maybe they would stop if I spoke to her a bit nicer (I wasn't being rude to her). I get the impression they are abusing their powers. A line was crossed when my flat was entered. From the way she spoke to me, I suspect it's criminals employed to harrass me in my own flat. I had honestly just got over my anxiety. My only plans are to improve my life and mental health, other things will naturally follow from that...

I haven't felt so anxious in a long time, but it wasn't without good reason.

[Amara 94]

Stressed and anxious about finishing an assignment.

[Dougella]

^ What is the assignment about?

[Amara 94]

^To write a research report based on an interview we conducted using thematic analysis. It's the thematic analysis process that makes me unsure if I am doing the report right.

I'm also thinking of changing courses, I wonder if I am just interested in Psychology cause I've needed it and I'm not genuinely just naturally interested.

[Dougella]

^ Ok, that's a bit beyond my understanding! Is there anyone from your course you can check with to see if you're doing it correctly? Or a tutor?

A lot of people do seem to become interested in psychology if they've had experiences in their own lives. I studied it for A-level but I didn't get the science stuff, I wanted to know about mental illnesses etc.

[Amara 94]

Yeah, there is a WhatsApp group

[Mellie]

I'm feeling so drained, keep sleeping all day and night. feel guilty.

[Tembo]

Originally Posted by Kooky Monster

@Aleks. I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time of it at the moment. It's hard when you're sensitive to all the crap and injustices going on in the world and you end up absorbing it like a sponge. It must be nice to be blissfully ignorant to such things, but like you, I find it difficult not to be affected by them too.

I think your plan to cut down on news/social media and distract yourself with books/dvds is a good one and I hope it helps lift you up. And please vent here whenever you need, no need to apologise, it's what we're here for

Thank you for your message, it means a lot.

[Deer]

^ What sort of condition are you in for camping and hiking, NLH?

[choirgirl]

NLH, I shouldn't butt in here, and I'm a basketcase and shouldn't be offering any advice, but you know how I am. Do you have people in real life (other than your parents) that you genuinely connect with? Because it's a lot better than nothing. And even if you did have a girlfriend, you probably wouldn't want to rely on her for all your emotional stuff.

[Mellie]

kooky

[Deer]

^ Well, that's what I plan on doing. I've recently started a strength training routine. Nothing major just 5 body weight exercises repeated 3 times. In two weeks I will start jogging and work on my fitness leading up to next year when I plan to camp as well (depending on state of mind).

And if I feel well enough, I wouldn't mind having a companion along the way for one of the trips either. If you couldn't think of anything worse I completely understand but just thought I'd suggest it.

[Amara 94]

I can’t describe exactly how I feel. I feel negative. I shouldn’t do so but crave approval from certain people.

I’m coming to the realisation that I will never be will or popular, at least in the traditional sense. Idk why I have wanted to be it felt I can try to be. I obviously don’t fit the mould of what it means to be cool. My interests don’t even fit and then I’m uncoordinated with ball sports.

I think coming to terms with this will make me more able to be authentic and comfortable with who I am. Although it feels shameful, not really, but the impression I feel it puts on others of me feels painful to think about.

[Jen.]

Feeling frustrated. I recently decided to take a career break until the end of next year so that I could spend more time on things that I felt I didn't have enough time for (creative projects mostly). It's strange, but it somehow feels like I have even less time now. Before if I'd spent three hours on something after doing paid work all morning, I'd feel like I'd accomplished something. Now if I spend six hours on something I feel bad because I could have spent seven or eight instead. It doesn't really feel like I'm getting anything done even though I know I'm getting far more done that before. It's only been a week and a day, but it's already starting to feel like this might have been a mistake.

[anxiouslondoner]

world-weary

[Jen.]

^ Thanks, that makes a lot of sense When I was working I'd start at around the same time every day and stop when I'd finished the day's jobs, then anything I did creatively during the rest of the day would feel like an accomplishment even if it wasn't much. I haven't set hours like that for what I'm doing now though, I'm just on and off with different bits all day long and feel guilty about wasting the day however much I've done. I guess I could try sticking to the hours I was working before and then try to forget about it once that time is over, and see how that goes.

Originally Posted by Kooky Monster

^

^^ What sort of creative projects do you do, Jen, if you don't mind me being nosy?

Mostly writing-based things. The main task is editing a novel, but I'm also turning one short story into a game and writing a second game. One of the games involves doing a lot of visual stuff (only pixel art, nothing major) and primarily learning some programming-related things for the other one.

[Deer]

No worries at all, NLH. I was also a little tentative about the idea of asking you for the same reason. With quite a distance from it happening its quite easy to imagine actually doing it but I imagine when it comes closer to the time all my insecurities will rear their ugly head. I'm determined to do it though.

Most aspects of my life I feel I'm getting a handle on but socialising still a real difficulty for me. I actually don't socialise at all at the moment. The fact you have similar difficulties puts me at ease though. Its much less of a burden imagining my awkwardness when I'm with someone who experiences similar discomfort and alienation. So thought it would be good for both of us.

But please don't feel guilty if it comes to a point where you feel you just can't do it because I'm going to be doing it anyways.

[Spuggy]

Feeling a bit down, beaten and trapped at moment.

The forever combination of SA issues, low self esteem and zero confidence which has plagued me now for 30 years is currently winning as usual.

So strange, the more I try to change the more it tightens its grip. Vicious circle to say the least but im not having it. Im fed up of it...the older I get the worse it feels but the more I see how positively different things could be for me if I can just break free of its grip.

As a slightly older person with more life experience now, Im able to reflect somewhat, it amazes me just how these things have affected practically every decision Ive ever made or how much of my behaviour its directed. Its frightening!!!

Anyway...like most here, I've so much more to say but I'll crack on and keep trying to break free!

S

[choirgirl]

^For me, everything seems intertwined with everything else.