'why are you so quiet?'

[senstar]

i hate it so much when people ask me this.
what do you say to that??

[CatchMeIfYouCan]

'Cos' I've got more going on upstairs' is what I always want to say,
(well it is true after all)

They know it too, it makes people suspicious I think.
So it's an insecurity on their part.

[[MiffyKoala]]

Heh, i kinda got asked it at the Rethink confidence group last year.. of all places..by someone in the group.. not a leader of the group.

She said...'you're very quiet arnt you'.. dont think she meant owt by it to be offensive.. but duh.. ''were all at a confidence group with diff probs in confidence.. what do you think''

[CatchMeIfYouCan]

Originally Posted by J-Dog

Nah, I doubt it. They probably just think you are weird or being stand offish on purpose and want to know why.

Umm.. this was exactly my point lol. (i.e. makes people suspicious)

[xTKsaucex]

Originally Posted by [MiffyKoala]

Heh, i kinda got asked it at the Rethink confidence group last year.. of all places..by someone in the group.. not a leader of the group.

She said...'you're very quiet arnt you'.. dont think she meant owt by it to be offensive.. but duh.. ''were all at a confidence group with diff probs in confidence.. what do you think''

thats fairly stupid / ironic - not sure which, probably both...

I just admit on the spot that im not the most talkative of people and just shrug it off and make me seem like just laid back type person.

[little jon]

I reply with 'I have social anxiety disorder' this then starts a converstion that i can join in, as their next question is 'whats that then?'

[cheesehoven]

If ever there was a phrase designed to grind my gears it was that one. I think it is the levels of stupidity:

1. Someone notices you are not saying much.
2. They then tell you they've noticed and, implying this is a problem, put you under pressure to respond.
3. They choose the exact phrase to which any reply is an admission of guilt.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

[hardy]

it used to worry me to hear that but now I think I would reply "yes" in a tone that implies why are they stating the blindingly obvious ! Or if they said "why are you saying nothing i would reply " I wish I knew " .Not in a defencive way . i think all they want to hear is that youre not deliberately or rudely ignoring them. Most people are absolutely fine once they know that.

Next time I think I might also use it as a topic of conversation. " I might say " well nobodies talking to me . It takes two to have a conversation! ".

People are usually not being nasty when they make these remarks . If you THINK they might be your resentment will quickly alianate them. Which can confirm your belief.

[artist23]

someone said that to me, i said were in a library.

[peterjohn]

I was recently told I could talk for England !!!!

[jay9]

Oh, the number of times I've heard this.

Originally Posted by J-Dog

I used to get "You never shut up do you hahaha".

And that!

[Grogoch]

Oh yeah, my old boss used to say the "pipe down over there! stop being noisy!" He was nice enough to get away with it, and it worked to draw me into group chats, so it was sort of well intended. If it were more frequent it'd have been annoying..

The times it knocks my confidence is when I've just met people and I think I'm doing okay and being not too much of a mute, then they throw out "Why are you so quiet?", and I realise I can't fool anybody into thinking I'm normal, even for a few minutes. I tend to be honest and say "I'm just not that chatty", and then they say "oh but I bet you are with your friends" and then I say "no, really, I'm usually like this.." and then they say "oh. what even when you're drunk?" and on and on until we've firmly established i'm just not very talkative

If they've tried to make conversation and I've not been forthcoming and it's turned into a real milking-a-stone situation for them, I think fair enough. Otherwise, it's a bit of a bold and awkward and unhelpful question to ask someone. It's tricky and annoying to have to answer, but if you seem happy and comfortable with your quietude, they'll usually accept it and leave the subject alone (content that you're not a psycho silently plotting to kill everyone.. :/)
If you look at it from their point of view though, maybe it's not such a negative question - maybe they think you've got more to say than you do? and they want to hear more of what you've got to say? and they're wondering whether they're making you uncomfortable?

[Alex76]

Yes, I get asked that a fair bit, and think it's a bit of a stupid question really.
I once got accused by this obnoxious girl of just standing there and staring at my pint in a pub. I was like, 'er, sorry'!! Maybe her nose was out of joint because I wasn't staring at her lol.

Also the line 'Cheer up, it might never happen!' pisses me off no end.

[artist23]

Originally Posted by Alex76

Yes, I get asked that a fair bit, and think it's a bit of a stupid question really.
I once got accused by this obnoxious girl of just standing there and staring at my pint in a pub. I was like, 'er, sorry'!! Maybe her nose was out of joint because I wasn't staring at her lol.

Also the line 'Cheer up, it might never happen!' pisses me off no end.

cheer up it might never happen

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by hardy

People are usually not being nasty when they make these remarks . If you THINK they might be your resentment will quickly alianate them. Which can confirm your belief.

Very good point. Take it as rude and you'll feel worse, more anxious, more unable to say anything. Take it as a genuine, albeit badly worded, curiousity on their part and you probably won't feel as alienated.

Originally Posted by kukri

If you look at it from their point of view though, maybe it's not such a negative question - maybe they think you've got more to say than you do? and they want to hear more of what you've got to say? and they're wondering whether they're making you uncomfortable?

Again, very good point. Maybe we only get nervous because we look at the situaiton exclusively from our point of view, taking it as a negative and probably very rude thing to say (like 'why are you fat?' to a large person)...but from the point of the view of the other person, they are curious and maybe like you say, really want to get to know you.

I personally think the phrase is rude (it sounds threatening and blunt) but the sentiment is not...like J-Dog says here...

Originally Posted by J-Dog

I wonder if there are any other situations where people ask a question about what you are not doing?

Playing football: "why are you no good at football?".

To a fat person: "why are you so greedy?".

Can't really think of any.

It's not socially acceptable to ask a fat person why are they so greedy, but being anti-social is considered strange, uncommon and people just don't know how to handle it.

It is assumed every human loves socialising, so when [most] people come across someone with SA, they can't handle the situation delicately and it comes across as rudeness.

That's how I see it anyway.

Try not to take offence, and concentrate more on the other persons point of view, this takes practice! Of course if you also struggle for things to say you need to practice this as well.

[Blumoon]

Originally Posted by J-Dog

I wonder if there are any other situations where people ask a question about what you are not doing?

Playing football: "why are you no good at football?".

To a fat person: "why are you so greedy?".

Can't really think of any.

Reminds me of the episode of still game when tam and winston are sitting at the park with tam's grandson. The wee boy keeps going to winston (who is fat) 'you're a fatty' 'you're a fatty' or something..then he comes back and says 'I'm no a fatty i've got an overactive thyroid ya wee ****'

I could shout back at whoever asks me why i'm quiet, but i won't cos it wouldn't help. But i have had that in the past usually from new people, at college etc. A lot think it's cute for some reason. 'oh she's so quiet. How cute!' =| I am anything but quiet with folk i do know. Only wish i wasn't scared to talk to everyone else i don't knw. ]:

[jay9]

Originally Posted by kukri

The times it knocks my confidence is when I've just met people and I think I'm doing okay and being not too much of a mute, then they throw out "Why are you so quiet?", and I realise I can't fool anybody into thinking I'm normal, even for a few minutes.

I know the feeling! That's happened to me a couple of times when I actually think I'm being normal and then that comes out. Very disheartening.

[Caribou]

Empty vessels make the most noise.

[senstar]

its quite reassuring to hear i'm not the only one bothered by this!

Originally Posted by kukri

The times it knocks my confidence is when I've just met people and I think I'm doing okay and being not too much of a mute, then they throw out "Why are you so quiet?", and I realise I can't fool anybody into thinking I'm normal, even for a few minutes.

this has happened to me soo many times too. when i'm actually feeling good and think things are going well then someone comes out with this its is so disheartening

i must say that i've always taken it immediately as people being rude and it makes me so (silently!) angry. so that i immediately wouldn't even want to try to make them understand why i'm actually so quiet.

but you've definitely given me something to think about...:hmmm:

Originally Posted by kukri
If you look at it from their point of view though, maybe it's not such a negative question - maybe they think you've got more to say than you do? and they want to hear more of what you've got to say? and they're wondering whether they're making you uncomfortable?

Originally Posted by hardy
People are usually not being nasty when they make these remarks . If you THINK they might be your resentment will quickly alianate them. Which can confirm your belief.

so i guess in the future i'll try to look at it more like this.
but what i'll really want to say is..

Originally Posted by Cynic
Them: "How come you're so quiet?"
Me: "How come you're such a nosey ****?"

[talk.09]

/

[pinkwafer]

I'm not quiet by nature as in 'never having much to say' thats the most frustrating thing about all this.

[Blumoon]

yeah thought i'd mixed that up.

[E Dub]

When people ask me that a few things usually pop into my head like, 1.cos your all pricks and im thinking up excuses to leave.
2. I have nothing dumb or stupid to say so wouldn't fit in

3. Your mum aint when im ****ing her

I usually say something like I cant get a word in edgeways with you lot or just agree that I am quiet

[jay9]

Originally Posted by Ukshadow06

When people ask me that a few things usually pop into my head like, 1.cos your all pricks and im thinking up excuses to leave.
2. I have nothing dumb or stupid to say so wouldn't fit in

3. Your mum aint when im ****ing her

With a subtle response like that you'd be sure to keep up the conversation.

[MelanieJane]

I've had my boyfriend's four year old niece say to a whole room of people "Mel doesn't talk much does she?"

[PositivePoemsbyme]

I dont like when they say that either. When they ask I just say Im shy because that is the truth for me but then just resently I just started going to theraphy and the therapist says being shy is Social anxiety. That is new to me because Ive been shy all my life. When Im with my friends I can have fun and open up but Im still shy with wanting to communicate alot. Its probably because of my A.D.D im not good with talking for so long and also feel left out when my friends are talking in groups and I dont know what is going on. Lately Ive been wondering what came first the A.D.D or SA

[challangerchris]

I say 'I'm busy thinking up ways to kill you and your family'

It's a right ice breaker!!

[Harry Batt]

I think that a lot of the time people say things like "Your quiet" etc etc. just to try and get a conversation going. I don't they are being mean or anything in fact I think it's because they don't have much if any experience around shy people and don't know what to do when the conversation isn't flowing. It's on a par with making a comment about the weather or how long the queue is.

Normally I respond with things like

Well, I can't be noisy all the time
or
Sorry I was just listening to what you lot were saying
or
I'm trying to decide if I need a poo

Or if it's a fine foxy woman it's normally something like

Oh my god you are so pretty, forgive me I thought you were talking to somebody else.

[[MiffyKoala]]

Originally Posted by xTKsaucex

thats fairly stupid / ironic - not sure which, probably both...

I just admit on the spot that im not the most talkative of people and just shrug it off and make me seem like just laid back type person.

i remember i was that nervous that i didnt really say anything i just sort of nodded and smiled heh

[misslaura]

Originally Posted by challangerchris

I say 'I'm busy thinking up ways to kill you and your family'

It's a right ice breaker!!

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