Has anyone been harrassed as a result of being quiet?

[hollowone]

Was just wondering if anyone's had any bad experiences with people reacting negatively to them appearing quiet. Has any of the following happened to anyone hear?

Just to name the worst examples;
a complete stranger asking 'are you gay' off the bat. Absolutely hate it.

Total strangers taking offence at you minding your own business.

People having a go at the way you speak.

Has anyone else experienced treatment along similar lines?

[Vanessa]

i'v had people make fun of my voice ( i'm female but have a really deep voice). also have people mistaking me for a man, but i can't really call that harrassment even though it really affects me. unfortunately i work in a call centre so if i don't put on my forced high pitched voice i get called 'sir'.

and yes, every new situation i get into, people harrass me and make fun of me because i am quiet. you try to fly under the radar but people do actually notice if you aren't interacting with them

[Amber Fyre]

Sorry to hear about your experiences. I know quite a few of us have similar ones unfortunately.

I've had complete strangers comment about the fact that I'm not smiling which is really annoying. Once at uni a random guy came up to me and grabbed my face and physically forced me to smile, telling me I should smile. Did it in front of loads of people. Wish I could go back in time and punch him. Or at least stand up for myself. I think my SA caused me to look down a lot and I probably looked miserable, but that's my own business. I don't get this as much these days.

I've also had plenty of stupid comments about the fact that I blush and go red easily. Always makes it a million times worse. At my work party last month a guy spent ages trying to get me to blush and kept talking about how quiet I always was.

As an adult I don't get as much general crap about my shyness. School was the worst, constantly being asked 'why are you so quiet?' and people thinking I couldn't talk/laugh/understand.

[CoopersCoffee]

In high school I always had people coming up to me and saying "... you are SO QUIET! WHY?!". I'd just sit there and stare at them. Not too offensive really, but what is the problem with me not having anything to say?

Now, living in a country I'm not from, I constantly have people telling me that I'm "quiet for an American", which I find offensive in more than one way.
I'm always asked to speak up but I'm not sure if it's my accent or just because I don't like to be heard by anyone except the person I'm speaking to.

[CoopersCoffee]

Originally Posted by Amber Fyre

I've also had plenty of stupid comments about the fact that I blush and go red easily. Always makes it a million times worse.

Ugh, isn't that the worst?? The same thing happens to me and when people point and laugh at it, I feel like I just want to melt.

[asimovs_unicorn]

When I was younger yes lots of times but now I'm older not very often.

[Pal]

Oh yes, certainly more when I was younger. I'm more confident both socially and assertively nowadays so it doesn't happen often if at all. On the rare occasions I get abuse nowadays it's usually from some mouthy chav sticking close to his mates.

[sillypenguin]

The smiling comment is so annoying. "oh cheer up love could be worse!" ermm...I'm sorry complete stranger you dont know me, what if I was actually proper upset over something. Are we supposed to go about with a constant cheesy smile on our faces? That would be kinda creepy.

Whats the appeal on being loud anyways? Quieter folk rule!

[sam1w2e]

Originally Posted by CoopersCoffee

In high school I always had people coming up to me and saying "... you are SO QUIET! WHY?!". I'd just sit there and stare at them. Not too offensive really, but what is the problem with me not having anything to say?

Originally Posted by Amber Fyre

I've also had plenty of stupid comments about the fact that I blush and go red easily. Always makes it a million times worse.

The same things used to happen to me, used to do my head in

[Caribou]

Originally Posted by sillypenguin

The smiling comment is so annoying. "oh cheer up love could be worse!" ermm...I'm sorry complete stranger you dont know me, what if I was actually proper upset over something. Are we supposed to go about with a constant cheesy smile on our faces? That would be kinda creepy.

I usually say "I'm smiling on the inside".

[Clockface]

I used to get this a lot. In school I was simply bullied and made to feel bad about myself, rather than being asked why I was so quiet. In my first couple of jobs after leaving uni I was interpreted as being rude by not talking much, people would get angry and irritated with me over trivial things, freeze me out of conversations, treat me as if I wasn't present, ask me if I was alright as if to say "you're weird", and accuse me of ignoring them when I was simply too shy to say more than a few words.

That for me is harassment!

[hollowone]

You've got to remember it's their problem, not yours. If people want to judge you that quickly, they're ***** end of story. You can only do your best.

In my first couple of jobs after leaving uni I was interpreted as being rude by not talking much, people would get angry and irritated with me over trivial things,

What immature little ***** treat others like this? This is evidence that people don't really grow-up anymore. If people were properly disciplined this would not happen to the same degree.

For all of you who've been affected by such experience, you know that that treatment is unreasonable, you know that it's undeserved.

The problem with today is that people will go out of their way to justify such appalling behaviour on the grounds that you're not 'cool' or were 'acting weird'. All that does is introduce more complications and rules. It should be 'such behaviour's unacceptable, end of story, no buts, no justifications, no excuses for it.

I strongly suspect that this is a major raeson why rates of social anxiety are skyrocketing.

In my experience, it's usually the rough, the chavvy, the inadequate, the ignorant and the shallow and insensitive that are the worst types of people.

[mattty]

I've had the "are you gay" thing. Not directly to my face but in little snide comments and also stuff i've overheard, usually from so called friends or workmates. Basically because i don't really talk much about girls i must be a closet case!

Also the odd comment about not talking much but that doesn't really bother me any more these days.

[Raunioilla]

Originally Posted by Macca82

I used to get this a lot. In school I was simply bullied and made to feel bad about myself, rather than being asked why I was so quiet. In my first couple of jobs after leaving uni I was interpreted as being rude by not talking much, people would get angry and irritated with me over trivial things, freeze me out of conversations, treat me as if I wasn't present, ask me if I was alright as if to say "you're weird", and accuse me of ignoring them when I was simply too shy to say more than a few words.

That for me is harassment!

This is pretty much what is happening to me at the moment. Some people are truly awful.

[Mr_Bean]

yes in an old job- that wasn't a fun 2 years.

[Eklipse]

Originally Posted by Amber Fyre

Once at uni a random guy came up to me and grabbed my face and physically forced me to smile, telling me I should smile. Did it in front of loads of people. Wish I could go back in time and punch him. Or at least stand up for myself.

What a terrible thing this person did to you. That was an assault. Did you report him?

I hate it when people keep saying how quiet I am. They say it as if they're making a statement not just to say the obvious.

[Concept]

By a couple of my brother's friends when I first moved to Manchester. Made things awkward.

[Serephina]

Not so much as i've got older but I was sexually harassed at secondary school,I tried to ignore it because i'm so quiet and thought if I ignored it they would stop but it carried on until a couple of friends felt they had to report it and the person got expelled,it was then apparently my fault because they got expelled. As i've got older,although I can still be quiet,I do stick up for myself if I did get harassed.

[Sooty Owl]

Definitely, yes. I was always the weird, quiet one at school. I sat at a table with a bunch of people who were 'sort of' my friends (at least people that I was a little more comfortable around than others) and I was always really quiet and didn't speak much. Most of them were happy just to leave me the way I was, but whenever I spoke, made a joke or laughed out loud they all just HAD to comment on it and go on for ages about how an unusual occurence it was. They thought it was a joke, but it really upset me, and just stopped me talking even more.

All of my teachers brought it up as well. One teacher gave me a severe telling off one day after I'd gone a whole month in her class without saying a word. She lectured me on not working hard enough and that she wouldn't tolerate 'passengers' in her class. She said everyone had to contribute to class discussion or I would likely fail. Every time she asked me a question (even if I knew the answer) I'd just freeze and quickly say 'I don't know' so everyone would stop looking at me. Then my first essay came back and I got an A. She apologised and said she had been too premature to judge me, and that if I continued handing in such good quality of work she wouldn't pressure me about joining in. My silence had made her think I didn't understand anything, and that I was lazy. Fortunately she had the insight to try and understand me. Unfortunately however, my uni teachers require seminar participation as part of my final grade, and I've been told more than once that I shouldn't be so complacent and try to join in, when really I'm just anxious about trying to speak up over other people.

I've also had complete strangers comment on it. People on the train would just say "Oh, cheer up, lassie! Don't look so serious!" I don't get it, no one else was talking either, but apparently, when I think my face is neutral, everyone else thinks I look miserable

[Belinda]

^ It's really soul-destroying when teachers/lecturers mistake anxiety about speaking in seminars with 'laziness' or 'complacency'- my English teacher at school used to get so frustrated with me for not speaking and seemed to think it was some sort of conscious decision I'd made. Maybe this was partly because I was relatively comfortable speaking to him one to one so he didn't understand my abject terror of groups of people. I wish people (and especially teachers) weren't so quick to judge.

[paulx01]

Sometimes I think I may be talking in a loud voice, however may be asked to speak up as others have commented that it can be quite difficult to hear ... In work this was sometimes used as a means to make life difficult, it being hard enough in the first place to convey information to others ... Schools and colleges would seem to require some guidance linked to students with SA, there is such a big focus on collaborative working and presentations coupled with an expectation for all learners to be confident and ideally ready to express to audiences ...

[saturnseeker]

Ill just add my insight into this cus I can see it from both sides.
Had a few comments in the past about not smiling and most famously "he's in his quiet mood again" as my anxiety seems to come in cycles. I don't really care too much about it though, yet I have noticed what it can be like as there is a guy I work with who literally doesn't talk at all.
When I first met him I said hi and he just nodded and walked off. This made me feel like I had either offended him or he was just plain rude. After seeing him around others I knew that he was a shy person and I changed my opinion of him.
I guess people with anxiety come off as rude to those that know nothing about it.

[misska]

Yes every job iv had in college i was so shy some of the girls wrote talk or die on my work book. Was so emberassid. Was years ago now i try not to worry if people think im quiet as much at least it keeps us out of trouble and gossgping at work

[MrsF]

I think we all have eh? It's part of what makes us socially anxious. I have one thing to say in defence of the muggles (or less SA types) - that when a normally chatty person goes quiet then it's a sign that something is up so I do feel that sometimes there's an element of concern in that question....just a thought and I'm in no way condoning bullying etc. just think sometimes it's meant kindly and maybe we're over sensitive?

[Lucian]

I've had similar experiences to those above. Particularly the one about strangers telling me to smile (seems to be a particular problem in Scotland, hasn't happened at all since I moved to England).

I was watching a video on Youtube about drowning recently. Parents were playing a game of catch with a reasonably young child in a swimming pool. They were laughing and shouting, until the child seemed to become quiet and less enthusiastic, sinking down into the water and seeming to totally lose interest in the game. The parents started shouting at the child, telling him to throw the ball harder, and stop deliberately making them swim forward to get it. Soon after, a lifeguard dived into the water, and swam at full pelt towards them. The parents assumed he thought their raised voices were calling him, and they gesticulated at the lifeguard, shouting 'it's OK, we're fine!' He ignored them, and kept swimming. Swam right past them, over to the child, grabbed him, and started performing CPR on the side of the pool, barely saving his life. He had been drowning, and the trained lifeguard had seen it from way across the pool. The parents had missed it, even though they were right in front of their son, since he was not shouting or flailing, just bobbing up and down with his head at the surface.

Most people have absolutely no idea how to recognise when a child is drowning, and even after they are rescued they shout at the child, reprimanding them for not alerting them.

The situation is similar to SA I think. Most people have no idea how to recognise someone with chronic shyness, and react aggressively, because they think it means someone doesn't like them, or is being aloof and haughty. Unfortunately the situation will continue until people start raising awareness of the symptoms of SA.

[Laser]

I have also been told to smile by people more times than I care to remember. It doesn't happen so much nowadays though. But what really, really annoys me about it, is that the person who says it never seems to be actually smiling themselves.

[GoldFish]

It's usually talkative people with ego who are emotionally needy that will bring up quietness and will make things awkward.

There are actually chatty people who understand introversion and quietness and don't let their ego affect interactions.

In my opinion ego is a very ugly trait. Though it usually asserts power and influence in a political sense, the best experiences I had were around people who weren't so tightly strung on ego and selfishness.

A way of testing this out is to say something silly and harmless outside of the status quo of general conversation, see who laughs and see who behaves snobbish. Imagine a phrase from the mighty boosh, very loose conversation that doesn't make complete sense but flows and isn't based around status or showing off, just getting the words out instead and enjoying the present tense.

Otherwise you get a group of people constantly worried about and hesitating to talk based on ego, status, tension, worry, etc.

If you get everyone feeling that they are on an equal level, then interactions come easy, the tricky part is finding an environment where that is possible.

Imagine a comedy tv show, where the aim is to make sense whilst not making sense, in order to write and create the acting team need to let go of everything to feel relaxed, to work together everyone needs to loosen up so they can be in the right frame of mind.

Some environments, work, family, relationships are so based on hierarchy, status, competition, ego, that enjoying interactions is just very difficult, try to understand that a lot of that is out of your control.

If you get a job at a workplace that is tense and difficult then you don't need to blame yourself for that. The environment isn't very good to begin with.

You can choose to see a toxic work place as a means to earn a wage and nothing more. Placing all your importance into time that you do enjoy and that makes sense to you more so makes sense.

[Mr. Nobody]

Originally Posted by Sooty Owl

when I think my face is neutral, everyone else thinks I look miserable

I have this too,.

I generally think I'm okay,. but apparently most people I work with find me a miserable, grumpy person,..

and yet, I do laugh, tell jokes, join in with conversations and stuff ( didn't always though,. )

someone was having a go at me today,. saying I was miserable etc...
they didn't even work in our company, they were sub-contract labour,..
I just said to him,. "well, I've suffered from depression for decades"..

- seemed to shut him up a bit,.

to be fair though,. I have once or twice, scrutinised myself in the mirror,. and honestly, impartially, just looked at myself at odd moments of the day, and although I kind of feel okay-ish inside,. I do seem to look pretty sad,. but that seems to have become my default position, externally.

maybe we need to make a conscious effort to try and claw our way out of having misery as our default operating system ?

[Raunioilla]

Originally Posted by GoldFish

It's usually talkative people with ego who are emotionally needy that will bring up quietness and will make things awkward.

There are actually chatty people who understand introversion and quietness and don't let their ego affect interactions.

In my opinion ego is a very ugly trait. Though it usually asserts power and influence in a political sense, the best experiences I had were around people who weren't so tightly strung on ego and selfishness.

A way of testing this out is to say something silly and harmless outside of the status quo of general conversation, see who laughs and see who behaves snobbish. Imagine a phrase from the mighty boosh, very loose conversation that doesn't make complete sense but flows and isn't based around status or showing off, just getting the words out instead and enjoying the present tense.

Otherwise you get a group of people constantly worried about and hesitating to talk based on ego, status, tension, worry, etc.

If you get everyone feeling that they are on an equal level, then interactions come easy, the tricky part is finding an environment where that is possible.

Imagine a comedy tv show, where the aim is to make sense whilst not making sense, in order to write and create the acting team need to let go of everything to feel relaxed, to work together everyone needs to loosen up so they can be in the right frame of mind.

Some environments, work, family, relationships are so based on hierarchy, status, competition, ego, that enjoying interactions is just very difficult, try to understand that a lot of that is out of your control.

If you get a job at a workplace that is tense and difficult then you don't need to blame yourself for that. The environment isn't very good to begin with.

You can choose to see a toxic work place as a means to earn a wage and nothing more. Placing all your importance into time that you do enjoy and that makes sense to you more so makes sense.

That's really insightful - thank you