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11th November 2020, 22:33
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
^ Better!
 I went for a walk, got soaked, come back, had a shower, rinsed my hair and am now motivated just enough to cook dinner. How about you? 
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14th November 2020, 11:41
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
After looking at the 2021 S class interior which I have a love hate relationship with I think that self ddriving cars leading to a subscription service rather than an ownership model really isn't far fetched.
The 2021 S class interior looks overdone to me and the car has too much technology that it feels impossible to know everything about the car. To me, when I look at it, it feels like a car that always leaves my mind somewhat distracted or stimulated. It's like the car can provide a media rich experience, but as it has all the newest tech, voice recognition, gesture controls, is probably smarter than most smartphones, it is too hard to fully learn. As to why people like owning the latest, premium smartphones, I wouldn't say it's cause of better technology but more because of social status, design and build quality. I think, this is not factual, that the reasons people use to be proud of owning a car such as knowing the car, being able to get the best out of it, learning all of it features, are going to become less and less as cars become more advanced and smarter. Things like build quality would still count but would that be enough to want to own a car that is too complicated to fully know or learn? The car also isn't a primary hub for social media, like the smartphone is, so I don't think data necessarily has to be tied to a car as much as a smartphone.
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14th November 2020, 20:29
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
^I think you may be right about the subscription service model. I've no idea what car you are talking about.
Back to me: how am I dealing with stuff I should have been dealing with 20 years ago? I am so embarrassed. (I will not be telling anyone the full story other than a carefully chosen therapist.) The irony of feeling borderline asexual for so long (I didn't think I was asexual) and putting that stuff in the later pile, when all along it was the number one thing I needed to deal with out of all the things. I feel like I've woken up from a coma, and looking at all the self-induced wreckage is horrifying. (Although I can see the funny side.) It was always so blindingly obvious. And of course everyone knows. The only person who didn't is my dad (bless him) and I've accidentally-on-purpose outed myself. Anyone who didn't like it has either got over themselves by now or already ****ed off. The sky hasn't fallen in. (It felt like it would.)
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14th November 2020, 20:34
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
^ Things were a lot different even one or two generations ago, people were generally so much less open about their sexuality and there was less acceptance unfortunately. It's not surprising that people (and maybe you) had a lot of internal conflict and doubt and hesitation about exploring whether they might be gay. You shouldn't blame yourself for that!
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15th November 2020, 00:00
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
Quote:
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15th November 2020, 12:00
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
People seem to be complaining about the latest IG update. Asking who shops in IG and stuff. But IG is a really effective advertising platform for businesses if you think about it. They can sale to users who are less conscious about who they choose to follow.
Idk but might take another social media detox or reduction in use as I notice I’m using it to procrastinate now.
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15th November 2020, 12:56
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
Learning through online teams meetings is weird. I am more open in lectures as we are allowed to comment and don't face weird looks or gaslighting. It feels weird when a peer seems responsive to me as that doesn't happen irl, or they act like they have to lead me. Stuff I use to face in traditional classrooms due to anxiety and social awkwardness.
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15th November 2020, 16:32
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
Dougella: Stuff has happened, ok, it's complicated. My brain made it complicated. I wanted (subconsciously) to do everything like a straight person, but with a girl. Find one in the wild, someone makes a move (this is where it tended to go wrong!) and proceed in a normal fashion. But there were missed opportunities that make me wince. (If it was up to me to make the move, I would bail at the last second, irrationally thinking, no matter how I approach this, she is straight and would be horrified and repulsed and I would want to die. You guys don't know how lucky you are not to start off playing on the hard setting.) I was running from my inevitable fate. I was just an absolute and complete idiot in every imaginable way (apart from not being anti-gay ever, I never saw what the problem was, unsurprisingly!)
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16th November 2020, 10:05
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
I had a dream where the uni lectures said she is missing out a lecture cause she had to go somewhere. It felt really dismissive to me, like she was being tough on us.
Now that I have woken up it doesn’t feel like that was a big deal. But in the dream there were different parts to the lecture and she had to leave part of it?????
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16th November 2020, 10:06
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
The other day though I dreamt of a uni group task and I was confident and able to talk expressively with my team mates. Like the opposite of real life.
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16th November 2020, 21:33
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
My ego got in the way of accepting the truth all those years ago when it would have been wise to come out of denial in a timely manner. And the irony is that I had already internalised all the toxic crap. So I needed to start working on the toxic shame in my 20s.
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16th November 2020, 23:30
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
I could really do with a hot cuppa herbal something right now but i'm all out
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17th November 2020, 01:21
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
^I need some non-caf stuff too. I'm too hyped up and now I'm still awake.
The reasons why I'm coming out so late in life involve absolutely everything in my life I am ashamed of and want to hide. More stuff than I've even gone into on here. (I've not done anything too terrible.) Ugh, it's so bad. And, even though I've long known I'm gay enough to have to come out, I never thought about it. It was in the later pile. A lot of things reside there. Plus, in my head, you don't want to come out more than once, and you come out once you've moved out. That is still the plan for the Official Coming Out. This is probably a Gen X fantasy though, I have a lot of those. To me, coming out late is no more embarrassing than living with your parents when you're old, but now I see, that actually it is way more embarrassing. Especially when you are as bad at heterosexuality as I am. I am such a shame avoider. That is such a huge pattern in my life. It's messed everything up. It's all a horrible vicious circle. I've been going around in circles for most of my life.
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17th November 2020, 14:38
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
This is just me thinking out loud. Do I get a car so I can get a job, but then what if I end up working just to pay for the car because I can't get another job afterwards with the way things are at the moment? And I am putting myself and father at greater risk of Covid. But I should do it, and I need more savings so I can move out and finally get on with my life (15 years too late, but hey.) And I need to pay for my therapy. And, if there's money to spare, for an ADHD diagnosis. So I probably do need to get a car even if I can only get a temp job. I should probably have just got on the NHS waiting list for the ADHD because I'm still here. Maybe I will just in case. I have asked father if I can get insured on his car since he's not using it but he's being annoying about it so that's a no go. So I really do just need to get on with the job and the car, don't I, and just hope another thing will turn up? That's the only way forward.
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17th November 2020, 19:05
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
Quote:
Good resource site by the way- https://www.additudemag.com/
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17th November 2020, 19:19
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
Thanks, I've seen it. I am convinced I have it. I have started making notes on my childhood/adolescent symptoms, even though I didn't really have problems until adulthood, because apparently you need to have symptoms before the age of 12, and I don't really remember much before that in terms of symptoms. It's not like I had to organise my own life.
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18th November 2020, 21:02
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
Quote:
I'm alright. Bored alot and been looking at countries to visit next year in Europe. Have you been growing a bush on your head too during lockdown?
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19th November 2020, 08:58
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
I've done the most studying of this course for me this week. Yesterday had a lecture, idk why it's easier and easier to learn when rewatching lectures. I guess I can go at my own pace. Yesterday I noticed as usual the live lecture drained me. I also feel from working a lot and also trying to learn Gimp afterwards, stuff like food, ironed clothes and a clean room went to the wayside and I have to get the balance back.
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19th November 2020, 21:55
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Re: Type what you're thinking about right now (11)
I've completed game 1 20 years behind everyone else because I put the game down for so many years. I still have to go back and do some levels. I've got over most of the internalised lesbophobia (I still need a boatload of therapy) and the compulsory heterosexuality (which is like herpes) and defeated the final boss. I have reached acceptance. Only to find I have unlocked game 2. And game 2 is so jaw-droppingly difficult that if it was a game, I wouldn't play it. I'd be like, no, game 1 was hard enough, I'm not playing this. But you have to play it, it's your life. And I've already been playing it on autopilot, and it got in the way of completing game 1. That makes no rational sense, but it makes emotional sense.
Lots of people have variants of game 2, and many people have much worse variants, but I didn't even know I had game 2 to play. I'm starting really late with consciously playing game 2. Game 2, of course, is trauma and toxic shame. So far, I have only seen some patterns which I couldn't see before because I've been spending my life in a blind fog. But I really don't know how game 2 is going to go. You thought game 1 was some real shit, but game 2 is some Real Shit. Plus I have an extra game to play because I took so long on game 1. I am excruciatingly embarrassed about game 1. If only the completion of game 1 had been the culmination of my quarter life crisis, but of course it was something else.
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