Slowly losing my confidence and energy

[Dylan28]

Hi

So today and almost everyday I just constantly feel like i'm inferior and less confident, less of a person towards everyone else. over the past 2 weeks i've had such horrible social anxiety and a negative perception of myself to a point were my mind and body just feel absolutely drained of who I am. just whenever i'm around people that I consider popular, interesting, outgoing, confident, good looking, more money than me, more friends, better social life than me, I just become so emotionally drained and shattered of my true self, to a point were I can't feel like myself when i'm in that situation and I become this character that I have built up in my head whos, shy, anxious, boring, worthless and then overtime this insecure shy character becomes the person that everyone sees me as and so I feel like people just assume that thats who I actually am, and it just feels so horrible, because i'm so much more than this fake person that I have become because I know of it. Inside and when i'm alone in my own company like right now for example I feel relaxed, I feel myself I can think clearly but nooo as soon as I'm in a group situation with people I just can't even talk, think, move properly because i'm so insecure about who I am and what i'm capable of...

I'm at a point in my life now were I just need change, I have been aware of this problem now for so many years and it has improved but to this day I still encounter these same emotions and feelings of dread and how better people around me are, and over time have built up this fake horrible character that isn't me. one of the saddest things about all of this is the fact that i'm currently at university and have to experience this every single f***g day.

for example I live in student halls with 6 other lads, who are all outgoing and guess what... they all get along with each other, they talk to each other as if they are like best mates and just overall seem to enjoy each others company. but for me its just a complete different story, i'm not involved with them at all, whenever I'm in the same room with them 1 to 1 its pure silence and the only words that flow out my mouth are "alright" or "hey" in a timmid voice and thats f****g it and its just dreadful, they all go out with each other on nights out, always in the kitchen living area just laughing and having fun. whereas me I just stay in my room because whenever I'm near them I just turn into this fake character that I mentioned above thats completely boring, anxious, shy and can't bare to be around them because I just can't be myself or say anything so whats the point...I sometimes can't even enter the kitchen because i'm so scared of what i'm going to do with myself when i'm actually in there or what there reaction is of me being in there, its just so painful and an awful way to live, I may as well have lived at home if I knew this was going to happen. i'm literally so disconnected from them its almost unbearable, its almost like im non existent to them and its all my fault.. that I have come across this way...

[Kayla]

You need to detox or start going to the gym. And what pricks! No one should ever be left out because they're not outgoing or shy. I say improve your health. Anxiety is natural but when your body is unhealthy then anxiety feels unbearable. I know this because I can relate to your discription of anxiety you feel whilst around others. Just take things easy and just know it's not your fault yeah ***10024;***10024;

[Dylan28]

I'm only a 20 minute train journey from home, but even when i'm home I just don't feel like i'm achieving anything if anything going home just makes more more paranoid as I feel like i'm missing out even more. plus their's not a lot to do at home, no internet, no one back home who I know to go to, just my dad there thats it. money wise to I just can't afford to keep going back and forth home.

Just sucks really I pictured starting uni in my head as such an amazing experience (living in halls part) thought my flatmates would become like my best mates and have amazing times, but its just the absolute opposite and just a complete disaster. I can barley even walk into the kitchen to make a cup of tea without feel anxious about them being in there and just watching me.

I've joined several societies which is helping I have met a few nice people, I also like my coursemates they are all really nice people but people have started estasblishing like groups now on my course who they regularly sit with/work with so its abit harder for me to meet others. and also i'm seeking out counselling/volunteered to take part in some mental health training course that university has offered

[Hayman]

I can very much relate to the thoughts and feelings of our OP. Knowing others around you have made so much more social progress (amongst other things) makes you feel so 'small' on the inside. The worst thing about it all is that you're helpless to the situation as other people stigmatise you for not being the 'life and soul' of the party. Rather than accepting you for who you are or them offering you a helping hand, they'll either ignore you or blame you ***8211; it's always one of the two. In turn, that makes your Social Anxiety even worse***8230; This is exactly the downward spiral I've been in since the end of my teens.

I've tried to change, I've gone out more, I've changed my approach and been more aware of my body language but still, I find myself so heavily stigmatised by others that I'm not given the same respect as others. In recent years, I've felt very much like a 'punching bag' for a boxer whereas at least in the past when I shied away from social events e.t.c, I kept away from the jokes and insults I face. Again in turn, this doesn't exactly improve your confidence in order to help improve Social Anxiety.

I admit that I do seek external validation for confidence and self-esteem boosts. I see other people do this successfully but when it comes to those who have no respect or understanding from others, we're deemed to be 'attention seekers' and that we must somehow 'spawn in' confidence from fresh air and/or all the previous negative experiences we've had. I'm sorry, but why do we have to live against another set of rules, excluding us from the norm? Again, this has only heightened my Social Anxiety over the years.

Barring direct family, I've felt disconnected by almost anyone else I've ever known. I had few friends whilst growing up and I found High School to be a harrowing experience. It put me right off higher education altogether. The learning wasn***8217;t the problem. Fellow students were.

The only time I've ever felt comfortable and happy is when I've been alone. Sad, but true***8230;

I'm glad you've plucked up the courage to join societies. I***8217;m considering attending two events later on in the year with people who share my hobbies online***8230; I've got a good few months to pluck up the courage. I think it's just a case of throwing yourself in at the deep end and believe me, I know how hard that is. I done this numerous times last year and whilst in most cases it only confirmed why I have Social Anxiety in the first place, there were the odd thing that I done which was***8230;'okay'.

The only advice I can give on this front, of 'throwing yourself in at the deep end', is do it with your own rules. Only you know how far you can push yourself. Not other people who haven't lived with Social Anxiety who seem to think you can flick it on and off like a light switch to suit the occasion.

[Dylan28]

Hi Hayman

sounds like you're in the same boat as me in ways, the hardest part about all this is just accepting who I am as a person or just changing all together it seems like those are the only 2 options at the moment but they are both rather hard. one thing that just frustrates me so much is that I put so much mental strain on myself just to try and 'fit in' whilst everyone around me just seems to effortlessly breeze through all the social anxiety and just get along with each other within seconds which is exactly what makes me feel inferior and low because I just wonder to myself as to why I can't do that.

I'm slowly accepting myself and I would say i'm getting there, compared to how I used to be I have grown quite a lot, from being scared to walk down the street and make eye contact to going to university near the city, living in halls, joining societies, engaging with course mates more and "throwing myself in the deep end kind of" Id like to just applaud myself for that because I could of just stayed home and gone insanely lonely but I made this choice and i'm glad I did.

deep inside I'm actually a really confident individual with a good outlook on life but just revealing that side to me because if you think about it this way, revealing that person that you want to be is were the anxiety comes from and its what causes me to feel blocked by this failure to accept myself for who I am and this inability to trust my self in certain environments.

I agree with you on the idea of 'throwing yourself in the deep end' its possibly the only solution for people with social anxiety to really test themselves to see what they are mentally capable of doing. I'm glad you're making progress to, good to hear

[umm]

University can be shit for SA sufferers - if they/we/you buy into the (somewhat flawed) premise that it will be all party-party-party, mates-mates-mates all the time for everyone. Some people have that and that's fine - they are that sort of person and gravitate that way but this is your life, your experience. By far the most interesting people are the ones that are passionate about their study, and they tend to be that little bit more mature and laid back and understanding, so if you throw yourself into your work you will not only find those people, but become one, and others will treat you positively for it. I can't speak for these lads you live with but it sounds like - while I am sure they are fine as people - they are not your "type" so why not keep your head down, be nice and pleasant with them if you can but don't sell your soul over it, and then if you find some like minded souls either move in with them or just move in with some more relaxed-energy people. Don't be afraid to admit you are not exactly the same sort of person as Mr. Popular stood next to you, but just another sort of person - more introspective and thoughtful perhaps. It's completely okay to be that.

i'm around people that I consider popular, interesting, outgoing, confident, good looking, more money than me, more friends, better social life than me

That may be true, so you can become wittier, cleverer, more thoughtful. Everyone brings something different to the table. Meanwhile, obviously you have to live with these chaps so: how to proceed? I would think about making a joke of it. Imagine this scenario: you walk into the kitchen and they all fall silent. Remember though it's not because they hate you but they may feel just as awkward around you as you do they. So take charge and head that off with all this in mind. You might say something like "it's ok lads, I'm not a spy" in a sort of silly jokey way. If they say or suggest something like "You're always so quiet, weirdo" (which is what I imagined people would say about me) just reply "I'm thinking about higher physics problems" or something, I dunno, just sort of ham yourself up. They just want to be amused. If you can amuse them (with no detriment to yourself of course but perhaps using some of your characteristics as a bit of an ice breaker) then that is always a big forward step. If you feel you cannot drum up that much humour then just be as positive and upbeat sounding as you can muster. It may take a bit but a cheery "good morning" goes a good way, as does a simple "how's it going?". Try it (yes, you may have to practise in front of the mirror/in your head beforehand). You may have to have a ready answer for perhaps a disdainful reaction they give you but it sounds like you have a good bit of experience to draw from, for better or worse, so use it as a sort of private rehearsal space - because being prepared is a great comabtter of anxiety. It's about being seen to be in control (even when you're not) but I can tell you from experence that it does work and is a skill worth having simply because when you understand it, it yields noticeable results fast, unlike some other learnables.

[Hayman]

Originally Posted by Dylan28

I agree with you on the idea of 'throwing yourself in the deep end' its possibly the only solution for people with social anxiety to really test themselves to see what they are mentally capable of doing. I'm glad you're making progress to, good to hear

I think I've got to the point in my life where I've accepted myself for who I am. I think if I put in the same effort now a decade ago, I feel things would have been a little better for me, but the truth is that once you're over 25, it seems near enough everyone has their life path set out for them. It seems to be the decade (well, half-decade if you end the real-life changes at 25ish) where people spawn-in progressions and if you haven't by that point, it’s a real upward battle as you find yourself increasingly stigmatised and treated like a child. Regardless of how hard you've tried. There seems to be no real acceptance from those who can progress that not everyone has this ability to just 'make' things happen. Rather than offering understanding and support, they'll instead choose to make sure you remain stuck at the very bottom of the social ladder. I hate to think this way. I genuinely do. However, as my twenties progressed, this become more and more obvious and by the time I turned 30 – I think that was the point I realised I was utterly lost and abandoned in society.

I'm confident in my hobbies but again, I can't really pursue them with others because of the way I'm laughed at and joked about. Therefore the things I'm confident about, I feel I have to keep to myself because otherwise, I'm simply made to feel embarrassed by others. This is why, for the first time ever, I'm considering meeting up with those I know online who specifically share my interests. It's by no means certain yet but my urge to actually meet them has been growing stronger in recent times.

I know the phrase 'throwing yourself in at the deep end' is a typical phrase that regular people come out with – as if it's as easy as clicking your fingers. I assure you that it's not and I fully understand and respect the fears and restrictions you feel you may have. I've been there and still there… All I'll say is that I've spent the last twelve months forcing myself out more and almost making myself physically ill several times in the process. On most occasions, I've sadly only been able to confirm thoughts and feelings I already have about other people – and ultimately why I have Social Anxiety in the first place. However, there has been some scraps of comfort that there are things out there that I've done, which I feel has given me a minor boost in self-belief. There's been a heck of a lot of additional pain along the way but I'm now trying to pin-point my efforts on those scraps which did actually work out 'okay' for me and see where I can go from there…

Again, I can only reiterate that 'throwing yourself in at the deep end' is extremely difficult and by no means am I someone who'll sit here and boast about "oh, it's easy". I know it isn't. I fully respect it isn't. It's terrifying. It makes you feel sick. In many cases you feel like you're just hitting your head against a brick wall and torturing yourself. Having reservations about doing it is only natural. Believe me – I know. All I can say is that at least try and force yourself in a way that you feel comfortable with. Not what others assume you can do. Only you will know. This is how I 'muddled' myself through the past twelve months in terms of increasing my efforts. It won't reward people like us with the same respect and perks as what comes as standard to those who have the gift of the gab. It’s no miracle cure as they also bleat on claiming it is. What it will give you is some sort-of idea about how you can progress yourself through things discovered and where you know for sure you've reached dead-ends.

To try and give a positive perspective of going through all of this is that I'm now more willing to go out than I used to. Not so much staying out late or anything, but meeting up with an old school friend for a few beers one weekend evening isn't quite as frightening now as it was twelve months ago. I'm attending a social club event towards the end of this month. I attended one about the same time last year - the first time I done it. I was absolutely terrified until after arrival. Now? After that one 'okay' experience - I'm now much more comfortable with the idea of attending this one. I'm still nervous, but not feeling genuinely nauseous as I used to. These are small steps, but at least it's something. It's something I've been able to do without any help from medical professionals which in my opinion, tried to push me far too hard, far too quickly. I felt I actually got worse when I was seeking professional help because they presume social anxiety works like a convenient light switch.

Yes, progress is minimal and painfully slow - but I've made more progress by doing the above, off my own back, than I did for many years prior to that. I know I'm never going to be the life and soul of the party. It's just not in my nature and it's a shame no one respects me for who I am. However, I feel a little better in myself knowing I'm a little more capable in terms of going out now than I used to be only a few years ago. What holds me back from going further, as usual, is how other people react to me - which is what you're going though. Sadly, I have no answer for this and this is again something I feel regular people and medical professionals like to ignore. We're not wholly responsible for our problems. Not everyone can be outgoing and rather than others accepting that, they prefer to push their own ideologies as blame - directly onto us.

Other than that, I can only sympathise with you and wish you all the best!