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  #121  
Old 24th May 2018, 20:15
Thousandmiles Thousandmiles is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Well, her dad works as a doctor in Syria and has done for many years, so it is more real to her than me, and she worries about financial aspect too. I just think I must be a selfish person, because if I was gonna have a child the last thing on my mind would be the world or society. I see it as a miracle. And hear you all laugh, it's ok, I don't mind
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  #122  
Old 24th May 2018, 20:48
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

^ Oh I agree it is a miracle to create a totally new human being and I understand why some people want to do it,it's just not for me

Someone in a video I was watching today described having to drag her two wailing children out of a park because they'd been warned that if they threw sand they would have to go home, and they still threw the sand. I'm not sure people think of those moments when they're deciding to have a baby.
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  #123  
Old 24th May 2018, 21:15
Thousandmiles Thousandmiles is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

^ I know bringing them up is not a walk in the park and you loose yourself a lot at that time, but on another note I'd like to know why do people who have mental issues like anxiety, do not believe they could be good parents because of their issues? With the knowledge and awareness and insight into so much psychology and wellbeing, wouldn't that be a good base? Or most people are seriously concerned to pass on the bad genes?
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  #124  
Old 24th May 2018, 22:53
jinny jinny is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thousandmiles
^ I know bringing them up is not a walk in the park and you loose yourself a lot at that time, but on another note I'd like to know why do people who have mental issues like anxiety, do not believe they could be good parents because of their issues? With the knowledge and awareness and insight into so much psychology and wellbeing, wouldn't that be a good base? Or most people are seriously concerned to pass on the bad genes?
that's a really good point. I'm not sure whether my anxiety is genetic, but I certainly have a lot of very serious issues over and above the anxiety because of the way I was raised and the neglect & emotional/psychological abuse I had as a child.

I think having children a bit later (30s) when I'd started to understand my own childhood, having an insight into anxiety and mental health & how important childhood is with regards to having mental health issues later in life & then studying early years education has made me a good mum. I'm not selfish or just expect my children to turn out ok with no input. If you want to raise happy people you have to parent them...not just feed & cloth them. So yep...I think it can be a really good base to be a good parent.
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  #125  
Old 25th May 2018, 00:18
jinny jinny is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

aw, I was enjoying Johnny's positivity

maybe he's right? Maybe in the future we'll all be beamed back up to the mother planet and live a blessed and wonderful life.
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  #126  
Old 25th May 2018, 02:56
Freyja Freyja is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by HermannHesse
No there isn't. What a ridiculous thing to say.
Sorry I'm in agreement with HermannHesse here. Let me bring you into reality.

Kids are a bad idea with the way things are. The planet is dying from pollution, everything is getting expensive, there's a massive homeless people problem in THIS country, a first world country keep in mind. You have people sleeping on the streets as young as 18 now too. People are literally using food banks from charities because our country is that ridiculous.

We have a massive out of control drugs problem in this country, housing takes months to get anywhere and not to mention the ridiculously huge paedophile problem.

There are so many dangers in having kids and it takes the slightest thing to **** up all your hard work you've put into that life you've created.

You can do all that, pay for private schooling even, then all they have to do is end up liking their drink too much and end up still at yours at 30 years old with a drinking problem.

I didn't get my tubes clipped cause I'm insane, it makes actual ****ing sense in this day and age where everything has gone to absolute shit. You'd be lucky if you end up in a well paying job these days because the competition is ridiculous. If I was a parent I'd be absolutely shitting bricks. No offence to parents on here, though I wish you the best of luck.

It's fine to be positive, but don't pretend like the future isn't bleak because it obviously is, anyone can see that from reading a newspaper or looking at the state of government.

Things usually get far worse before they get better as well because change doesn't happen miraculously out of thin air, it devolves out strife and death and I'd rather not put a life I've created through that suffering.

Being child free for the environment isn't a selfish thing so I agree with Jinny on that one, people are just dicks and think it is selfish when it's not. Pro lifers are probably to blame with all their bickering nonsense. I just find it ridiculous.

There's so many more things, I could go on and on for days but if I did that it'd be like reading out the China study and ain't nobody got time for that.

I'm not intending to offend anyone here by the way, I'm genuinely just that much of an anti-natalist and hold some very strong views towards it. I suppose it's good to be passionate about something.
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  #127  
Old 25th May 2018, 10:05
Thousandmiles Thousandmiles is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Interesting subject, and I'm enjoying this conversation. Just for the record, I thoroughly respect everyones choices in life, if anything, I envy people who know what they want. All very valid reasons and arguments.

^ I totally hear you Freyja, you talk exactly like my friend, makes me understand her better tbh. There is not one thing I wouldn't agree with you on the whole, but it's not how I feel.

I do idolise many things, I suppose, and most answers are about "me" and "I" as if you would have to do everything on your own, alone. But it's meant to be a joint task, you know, you pick up where your partner can't deliver and vice versa, and there is that other person to lean on when you need to.

^^ HermannHesse, if there was a prize for writing on here, I'd give it to you!
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  #128  
Old 25th May 2018, 17:19
jinny jinny is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quite right Johnny

Its hard to be positive when their is so much we know is wrong in the world, but the world we live in is the one we have and not a single individual can be responsible for solving all its problems... So likewise as individuals we shouldn't carry the whole weight of the world on our shoulders , do the small things that make your own bit of the world a better place.
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  #129  
Old 25th May 2018, 17:51
Vienna Vienna is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnny88
Have you heard Bill Hicks talk about the miracle of childbirth?
That sounds like something I'd like to listen to lol
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  #130  
Old 25th May 2018, 22:01
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnny88
Have you heard Bill Hicks talk about the miracle of childbirth?
I haven't but I get the feeling I should

I do think that actual childbirth is a cruel trick nature plays on us, it does not sound like a beautiful miracle lol.
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  #131  
Old 25th May 2018, 22:34
jinny jinny is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

I don't think of it as a beautiful miracle, it really is just biology and physics gone wrong. It doesn't fit. And that really really really really really really hurts. Lots.
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  #132  
Old 26th May 2018, 00:02
michelle06 michelle06 is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

I wish I could be as passionately anti-children as some of you, as it would make it easier. I think it's worse when you're not 100% sure either way. I always thought I didn't want kids and, on the whole, I can't see me having kids, but I'm 34 and fertility declines rapidly after 35, apparently, so it's on my mind, because what if I regret not having a family?

Ultimately, I don't like the thought of carrying a child, though, and I think I'd be okay with the baby phase (apart from sleep deprivation), but it's what they turn into that puts me off. Once they start having their own opinions and questioning me, I don't know how I'd cope. I was a horrible teenager (aren't most teenagers?!) Plus, maybe it would be cruel to inflict myself on a sprog.

Mind you, I'm single and live at home with no prospect of that changing any time soon, so it's pointless thinking about it really!
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  #133  
Old 26th May 2018, 02:11
Freyja Freyja is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnny88
problems do not equate to hopelessness. tell me where there isn't problems?

and I disagree with Hesse, it is not a ridiculous thing to say (well not necessarily). it would be ridiculous to suggest that there is definitely only a future which is full of doom.
I think we're pretty f*cked as a species actually, I see sod all hope for us and I don't want to be bringing a kid into that mess. Plenty of famous intellectual people have often called humanity a plague on the earth and I very much agree.

Keep in mind you're having a discussion with an antinatalist in the mix here, I think birth/existence is suffering in itself so there's not really a debate to be had but I enjoy your point of view.


For those here wanting children but don't want to go through with birth - you do realise there's a foster care crisis in the UK right? There's plenty of good kids out there that need homes. Plus side you won't have to deal with a screaming baby if you didn't want to.

This article is from last year in October and I can't imagine the care system is much different. I feel pretty sorry for the kids in care homes, those places are horrible.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/u...-a7995101.html
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  #134  
Old 26th May 2018, 10:13
Toxic Toxic is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

I got into a right debate at work yesterday, someone was ranting about their kid being a pain, she turned to me..god don't ever have kids!

To which I respond, don't worry I won't..never ever, not a chance

"What? Your never having kids?!, how can you do that, I couldn't imagine my life without having my children!" ..and on it went for 15 minutes.

Like, christ on a bike..I felt like I was getting a bollocking at school, and I'm male..if I was female I can only imagine the ranting I would have received, I have to sympathize with you women not wanting kids, you must get a right earful from certain people
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  #135  
Old 26th May 2018, 11:50
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

^ It's odd how people confuse the idea of them not being able to imagine their life without their children (which you'd hope they couldn't because otherwise they'd be wishing their children hadn't been born and that would be a major problem!) with the idea that everyone should have kids, when actually some of us are quite happy as we are.
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  #136  
Old 26th May 2018, 13:07
jd90 jd90 is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

I don't like the idea of having kids at all. But every so often I do think, later on in life, about adopting. Might just be my weakness for wanting to rescue things, but yeah a pair of siblings that had never had any love, to give them a home would be pretty nice. I wouldn't be increasing the amount of people on this planet but i'd be saving and helping some kids that need it. As long as they were over 5/6! But then I think ''nah god help me no way''
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  #137  
Old 28th May 2018, 22:54
A lump of Excrement A lump of Excrement is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

I've checked the source code and it looks like there's HTML for a link in the embed URL:

www.youtube.com/embed/<a href="

This should be www.youtube.com/embed/video_id
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  #138  
Old 28th May 2018, 22:57
A lump of Excrement A lump of Excrement is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Actually, I've just noticed the YouTube icon available when you edit a post and select the "Go Advanced" button. All you need here is the video ID (found at the end of the YouTube video URL after the equals sign).

Using the Frozen trailer video as an example, the URL is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbQm5doF_Uc

And the ID is TbQm5doF_Uc

So you just need to type the video ID in your post where you want the video to appear, highlight it and click the YouTube icon (when in advanced mode). Or when not in advanced mode you can just wrap this around the video ID:

HTML Code:
[YOUTUBE]video_id_here[/YOUTUBE]
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  #139  
Old 20th September 2018, 15:39
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Like most people, my answer is "yes and no". I'm 41 and always kind of assumed I'd end up with kids, but it seems unlikely now. Plus, my sister has decided not to have them, so I won't even have a niece or nephew.

Reasons it Bothers Me

1) Having kids gives your life meaning and purpose. It gets you out of bed in the morning. And it's something you can share with others. Not having them makes me feel a bit odd and outcast (nothing new there).
2) You'll never be alone. No matter what happens, you'll always have your kids. Even if they emigrate, there is still someone in the world connected to you, someone who cares whether you live or die.
3) Wonderful to be part of a loving family. The happiest people I know have young children. It must be wonderful to be at the heart of a loving family.
4) Someone who will be there for you when you are old, ill, vulnerable and frightened. This is the probably the main reason people have kids. The thought of being 82, frail and battling cancer alone is scary. Children hold your hand, take you to the hospital, visit you, keep you company, etc.

Up Side to Not Having Kids

1) Life has its good moments but it's mostly pain and struggle, especially if you are sensitive, prone to depression, introverted, etc. As someone once joked "life is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy". Bringing a child into the world is a selfish thing; no matter what you do they are going to suffer – a lot. At the bare minimum they will have to watch people they love die and then face old age, cancer and death themselves. On top of that they will have to go through puberty, first day at school, bad relationships, loneliness, sh*t jobs working with assh*les for a mediocre wage, ageing, illness, and so on. And there are so many ****ing horrible, evil people in this world. I always wanted a daughter, but the thought of then watching her leave for university/ go travelling, etc, knowing what the world is like, terrifies me. I've known at least six women who were raped or sexually abused, and I've known of several who were drugged at parties or clubs, etc, and woke up in a park or backstreet with no memory of what happened. I once had a girlfriend who was raped when she was 20. I'll never forget her saying "the worst part was seeing what it did to my family – it destroyed them."
2) They would inherit some of my awful personality: melancholic, introverted, anxious, avoidant, sensitive. This world isn't for the sensitive dreamers. The people who succeed are shallow, hard, insensitive, mouthy, assertive, arrogant and confident.
3) The noise, the bad smells, the mess, the money.
4) Children are never what you think they will be. People dream of these nice, polite, mini-adults they can chat to about books and films etc. But children may not share any of your interests. You might not even like them! All teenagers want is for you to leave them alone.
5) It's a hell of a risk. What if the child is autistic, schizophrenic, has Downs Syndrome or is brain damaged at birth? What if they become addicts? What if they marry someone you hate? Someone who beats them up? Someone who cheats on them? What if they get hit by a car and end up in a wheelchair? Or kill themselves? Or are badly bullied? Or get cancer? Or are blinded in an accident at school? The list of s**t that could happen is endless.

In the past, people had children in their 20s, then tried to make it to 70ish so the kids would look after them in their final years. But the world is a different place now. We live in the information age and have more control over our health than ever before. Any reasonably intelligent person can now find out endless information on anything that goes wrong with their body. Also, there may be breakthroughs in regenerative medicine that massively extend the lifespan. There are already pills that slow down the ageing process. I take obsessive care of my body because I know there will be no one there for me if I get ill. If I can make it to 83, that will be 2060. By 2060, we should have far better medicine than we do now. In fact, by 2060 the lifespan may be pushed to 130, 150 or even higher.

Also, not having kids does give you lots of freedom. You can practise yoga, meditate, experiment with psychedelics, pursue some kind of artistic outlet, enjoy your sex life etc. I don't really need to be part of the local 'community' (kid's birthday parties, the school run, taking them to football club, ballet etc). My happiness comes from art galleries, museums and books. Not having kids enables you to be more choosy about who you socialize with. Plus, of course, you can work on your relationship. Any therapist will tell you that kids ruin countless marriages.
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  #140  
Old 20th September 2018, 16:59
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freyja
I'm convinced a lot of parents just say it's a blessing or whatever because they want you to be as miserable as they are
So true. If you want to experience pure hatred, tell a young mother, whose toddler is throwing a tantrum, that you don't have children and don't regret it. Add that you've got plenty of money, a good sex life, a strong marriage and a firm body and she'll probably attack you! According to research, most people find having kids even harder than they'd expected. And they constantly want reassurance that they haven't made a terrible mistake. I'm convinced there is a sort of conspiracy of silence around having kids. Jack Dee once said that when he didn't have kids, other couples would constantly tell him and his wife that it was amazing, that they were missing out, etc. Then, once he'd got them, those same friends came round with a smug look on their faces and said "It's fu**ing hard isn't it!"

Also, it never ends. People make out that "oh well, it's tough until they go to school then everything is hunky dory". Maybe. But maybe the teenage years will be even worse. Maybe they'll get into drugs, get pregnant, self-harm, or just become surly, lazy and rude.
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  #141  
Old 20th September 2018, 18:33
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

^ I think that very often the expectations of having children don't match up to the reality and the more honest about this everyone is the better things will be.
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  #142  
Old 20th September 2018, 18:46
Vienna Vienna is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

A lot of parents say it's a blessing because they just don't want to admit how hard it is and also cos in today's world it's very un-pc to say that having kids has ruined your life , or that you especially women, regret having them.
I saw the Victoria Derbyshire program a while back and she showed a film of women that said they regretted having their kids, they were anonymous. I say good on them for being honest , but did feel a bit sorry for them.
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  #143  
Old 20th September 2018, 18:53
Vienna Vienna is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Even in some child free groups , you still get people who call you the devil when you rant about how annoying kids are . Christ, get out and and go on mumsnet instead!
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  #144  
Old 20th September 2018, 20:18
Freyja Freyja is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

**** having kids, seems like an absolute nightmare. I want to sip cocktails in Santorini with bae and go on Mustang adventures not wipe shitty arseholes and listen to constant screaming.

I would never date a guy who had kids either, just no. **** right off.

But it's true, parents bullshit a lot - I think it's a bit of a narcissistic tendency that they say it's great having kids and whatever then when you fall into that trap you wanna basically kill yourself cause it's horrible lol. Sod that.

Not to be a dick to parents on here but mate I don't wanna know about how having crotch goblins makes your life supposedly amazing while you're sat in a council flat sipping cheap tea cause you spent all your money on the never ending money pitfall lulz.

Obvs some parents get by better but mate if I had kids I'd be literally looking for the nearest skyscraper to jump off.
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  #145  
Old 20th September 2018, 21:50
Tom Morello Tom Morello is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

I would only have 1 kid if it became a possibility but even that would be a lot down to my odd goal of keeping my family's name alive.
My brother hasn't even had a lay in for 5 years since he had his 1st kid. Seems like a nightmare dealing with screaming every single evening when the kids get tired. Sure, you get moments of joy when they achieve those little goals but **** me it's a lot of work. I only see my niece and nephew once a month or so but a few hours is usually enough.
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  #146  
Old 21st September 2018, 00:03
Ben1981 Ben1981 is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

My own problem is that in the last few years I’ve finally managed to get myself financially stable to the point where I can carve out a pretty decent social life. I regularly attend meetups with several different groups, have weekends away with friends going to Sports events, Festivals etc and at least 2 holidays abroad every year. After years of struggling to get into this position I would be very loathe writing off the next 20 years of my life by having kids. Plus I like people telling me I look younger than I actually am and I bet the stress of parenthood would put paid to that. Not much incentive to go down that route really.
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  #147  
Old 21st September 2018, 20:42
Vienna Vienna is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

^^^ crotch goblins
That made me laugh
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  #148  
Old 22nd September 2018, 14:25
indiegirl1980 indiegirl1980 is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

No it doesn't bother me, but it seems to bother the media.

Almost every week there seems to be an article on freezing your eggs and how everyone should rush to have a baby before they're 40.

To which I say:

1. I thought that the birth rate had gone up for the last 10 years or so and there was no space for the people we have in this country, let alone any more.

2. I don't think that we're about to run out of people if I don't have a baby.
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  #149  
Old 29th September 2018, 02:25
Deadbeatunderadustymoon Deadbeatunderadustymoon is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

I’m a very hateful person and I feel I wouldve hated any kids I might have had so I guess its a good job I will never have kids!
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  #150  
Old 30th September 2018, 20:31
catlover catlover is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Not having kids is probably one of the smartest decisions I've made. I can barely take care of myself, so I have no desire to inflict misery on an innocent child.
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