If you’d had different parenting, would you be ‘normal’

[Orwell20]

If your parents had raised you in a different way, would you still have the same problems, do you think? Or do you believe you would always have struggled?

[Dougella]

No, I always would have had the tendency towards developing an anxiety disorder. Things might not have got so bad for so long, but it still would have happened, I believe.

[Aelwyn]

I expect I would have always had a tendency to anxiety, it seems to be in the family genes. But a kinder, more sensitive upbringing would I'm sure have given me more confidence than I have, and I suspect I wouldn't have reached such high levels of anxiety.

[GhostOnMagneticTape]

I believe my parenting contributed to my poor mental health and low self-esteem, plus like Raks said above my parents had rough childhoods themselves. My adoption really screwed me up for starters and being placed with adoptive parents who both had deep traumas from their past. They are old school, so have no idea how to be comfortable expressing some emotions and zero awareness of mental health.

No doubt there are social and environmental factors plus genetics (epigenetics) that can exacerbate issues from bad parenting. This is a great poem by Philip Larkin.

'This be the verse' - Published in 1971.

They f*** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f***ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can, And don't have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin

[Mr. Nobody]

yes, totally,
but then most people the world over could probably say that, to be fair,

I think the main thing is that parents make a child feel valued, and be nurtured in whatever strengths or talents they have,

I have had this conversation with other SA people in person, and it does seem that some of us have been perhaps not made to feel that we are valued or belong or been nurtured when we were young and growing up.
that can have a really negative impact on your psychological make up when you're at a vulnerable age,

no one is perfect, your parents included, so no parent is ever going to be "perfect"

but I think it's crucial that you feel loved, valued and are listened to and made to feel that your future development is important,
obviously, not every parent is going to get that right.

I do recall being completely shocked when I was a teenager and was with my friend getting driven into the city by his Mum, and hearing her chat to him in a certain way, like she was ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN HIS LIFE,. wow! that was shocking to me,. which told me a lot about my parents.

[Aelwyn]

Originally Posted by GhostOnMagneticTape

I believe my parenting contributed to my poor mental health and low self-esteem, plus like Raks said above my parents had rough childhoods themselves. My adoption really screwed me up for starters and being placed with adoptive parents who both had deep traumas from their past. They are old school, so have no idea how to be comfortable expressing some emotions and zero awareness of mental health.

No doubt there are social and environmental factors plus genetics (epigenetics) that can exacerbate issues from bad parenting. This is a great poem by Philip Larkin.

Yes that's a great poem. As others have said, my parents too had very difficult chldhoods. My father was at boarding school from the age of 7, then into the navy at 17, he never had much family life as a child. I don't think he really wanted children, he wanted to be the child himself. and I think resented his children's intrusion into his relationship with my mother.

[GhostOnMagneticTape]

Originally Posted by Aelwyn

Yes that's a great poem. As others have said, my parents too had very difficult chldhoods. My father was at boarding school from the age of 7, then into the navy at 17, he never had much family life as a child. I don't think he really wanted children, he wanted to be the child himself. and I think resented his children's intrusion into his relationship with my mother.

I went to boarding school, which completely destroyed my confidence and I had a suicide attempt at 14. 5 years ago, I attended a workshop for boarding school survivors which was an eye-opener as to how many people have been affected in terms of physical, sexual or psychological abuse by other pupils or teachers and abandonment by their parents. Boarding schools have always been romanticized as idyllic places for children, pah... far from the truth. My adoptive father also went to boarding school, which I believed affected his ability to express feelings, emotions and be a positive role model to me.

[Aelwyn]

Originally Posted by GhostOnMagneticTape

I went to boarding school, which completely destroyed my confidence and I had a suicide attempt at 14. 5 years ago, I attended a workshop for boarding school survivors which was an eye-opener as to how many people have been affected in terms of physical, sexual or psychological abuse by other pupils or teachers and abandonment by their parents. Boarding schools have always been romanticized as idyllic places for children, pah... far from the truth. My adoptive father also went to boarding school, which I believed affected his ability to express feelings, emotions and be a positive role model to me.

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through, Ghost. I too have heard lots of accounts of how damaging boarding school can be. Like your adoptive father, my father seemed to repress his emotions, so much so that my husband thought he seemed more like a robot than a human being.

[choirgirl]

Hah! Not a chance!

[Jwalk]

I think there are way too many variables that go in to making a person to answer that question. Parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, birth order, appearance, health, class, family income, where you grew up, when you grew up, where you went to school, who went to school with you, whether you got bullied, what tv shows you watched etc.

Saying that I don’t think my parents really helped much with my shyness/anxiety. I wouldn't say they were strict, but they considered any kind of complaint about your situation to be whinging or attention seeking behaviour. They were very much of the view that problems are only problems when you talk about them, so I was effectively shamed into silence about it.

My father is someone who genuinely believes that people who get bullied deserve it, either because they are “weird” or because they are too weak to stand up for themselves. I remember watching a documentary about bullying with him once and he was genuinely disgusted by the children who were in tears and visibly distressed about their situation. As far as he is concerned it is shameful to actually get bullied in the first place, regardless of the reason, and he often uses the phrase “I bet he got bullied at school” as an insult. I’ve noticed that a lot of people seem to think this way.

Weirdly he is also highly critical of other people’s appearance, which I think greatly contributed to my anxiety. Its hard to believe that other people don’t care about how you look when your parents seem to display behaviour to the contrary.

[Aelwyn]

Originally Posted by Jwalk

My father is someone who genuinely believes that people who get bullied deserve it, either because they are “weird” or because they are too weak to stand up for themselves. I remember watching a documentary about bullying with him once and he was genuinely disgusted by the children who were in tears and visibly distressed about their situation. As far as he is concerned it is shameful to actually get bullied in the first place, regardless of the reason, and he often uses the phrase “I bet he got bullied at school” as an insult. I’ve noticed that a lot of people seem to think this way.

He sounds like someone who might well have been bullied himself. I think it can happen that way, a person can be so ashamed of having been a victim that they prefer to take on the mindset of the bully, the one they see as having the power. It's humiliating to feel helpless, and people deal with it (or don't deal with it) in different ways.

[Jwalk]

Originally Posted by Aelwyn

He sounds like someone who might well have been bullied himself. I think it can happen that way, a person can be so ashamed of having been a victim that they prefer to take on the mindset of the bully, the one they see as having the power. It's humiliating to feel helpless, and people deal with it (or don't deal with it) in different ways.

Yes, I suspect you're right about this. I've come to realise that a lot of his behaviour could be explained by him trying to deflect his own insecurities on to others.

[huntert]

Originally Posted by Orwell20

If your parents had raised you in a different way, would you still have the same problems, do you think? Or do you believe you would always have struggled?

I was quite protected as a child but it was understandable as my mum struggled to have a child. there was some mad odds of her giving birth and i'm not sure what he does exactly but professor robert winston was involved (not how u think ) I was always quite shy and had to be home by certain times etc, was rarely allowed to visit one of my good friends because the estate he lived on was rough.

I think all that had a shape on me, but i'm sure if it was on the other end of the spectrum and i was allowed to run riot then i'd end up a little see you next tuesday.


I lost my parents as a teenger so then I had no one in authority of me kind of thing, by late teens I ended up really sociable and loud. That lasted a fair few years then died down and I started giving up with people. So I've gone from being shy as a kid, to sociable and loud, now back to shy (early 30s).

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by huntert

I was quite protected as a child but it was understandable as my mum struggled to have a child. there was some mad odds of her giving birth and i'm not sure what he does exactly but professor robert winston was involved (not how u think ) I was always quite shy and had to be home by certain times etc, was rarely allowed to visit one of my good friends because the estate he lived on was rough.

I can strongly relate to this. I once read that dysfunctional families come in two forms. Either they are at war, filled with hatred, cruelty, abuse, etc, or they are too tight and riddled with manipulation and co-dependency. Mine was definitely the latter. It wasn't until I met someone from a happy, healthy family that I realized how dysfunctional mine had been. Her parents were loving, but they also had lives of their own.

I am sure genetics played a role. I certainly inherited my neurotic, avoidant, introverted side. But no child is born with shame. And by eight or nine, I had such intense shame I could barely function. It hurts me to say it, but that is something I blame on my father, and, to a lesser extent, my mother and grandparents.

Both my parents had had unhappy childhoods, especially my father. Then along came this bouncy, healthy baby boy and they went mad. I was like the answer to all their sadness and trauma. I have read that in dysfunctional families the children feel responsible for their parents happiness, and that was my experience. My father suffocated me. It was a totally unhealthy love - clinging, manipulative, and full of fear. Frankly, I don't think he ever wanted me to leave.

I don't blame them. They were damaged people. And neither meant to cause me harm. But for someone with my temperament/make-up it was the wrong environment. I may have developed issues no matter what, of course, but I can imagine an ideal family. If I had grown up as the middle child in a big, loving, chaotic bohemian family in an arty part of New York or London (Greenwich village, Camden, etc), that would have helped. The kind of family in which there is love and support but where the parents have their own lives and friends, where you are surrounded by people, intensely socialized and, above all, given space. My father deliberately pushed people away from the family home. He never went out, never had any friends or hobbies, etc. I was basically buried alive. He had been traumatized by his loveless, miserable childhood, and I paid for it.

[Dougella]

^ Yep, one of the things I had to accept is that I can never make my parents happy and I wasn't put on this earth to do that (I just felt like a failure for not being what they wanted and therefor not making them happy).

[gregarious_introvert]

No, I would never have been "normal" (whatever that is). My parents made mistakes (as does every parent) and didn't know how to raise me, but that's largely because I wasn't "normal" in the first place. I wasn't hugged or kissed, but (as I found out shortly before my father died) that's because when I was very young, I would scream and/or pull away if I was touched, so the apparent lack of affection which made me feel unloved at times originated from me.

I always felt supported in my life choices; I know that I disappointed them (my father did express that to me towards the end of his life when he told me that with my brain and work ethic I could have been anything but struggled to keep any job), but it was more that they were disappointed for me than in me because they knew how hard I tried to build some kind of life. Unfortunately, they raised me in the 1960s and 70s, when little was known about autism and I had no chance of being diagnosed, so they had no reference point or guidelines but still tried as hard as they could. I was a little overprotected, as my brother had died before his seventh birthday (over seven years before I was born, so I never knew him) and because I was given an hour to live when I had pneumonia at two weeks old (I was two months' premature) but when I fought for bits of independence I won more often than not.

My sister was raised by the same parents and had about as "normal" a life as one can - one divorce, one successful marriage (39 years and counting), a good career (she retires in November) and two (now grown-up) children.

[mossieman]

Yes, they divorced when i was 7, my mother was the caring one my dad indifferent as if he never wanted children. Turned out my mother did not want custody and i did not see her again, my dad was useless, my step-mother a bitch and only interested in her kids. So i spent most of my childhood on my own in my bedroom until my step-mother kicked me out when i was 18, i dad defended me by driving me to live with my nan (thanks dad). Soon after that i lost touch with him also.

[Consolida]

^ That's so terribly sad. You were let down very badly as a child

Btw, long time no see Mossieman
Hope you are baring up?

[ynwa247]

I think my low self-esteem was down to my parents arguing, everything spiralled out of control after 11 for me.

I didn't believe I was capable of doing anything and while my Mum said 'I can do anything I want' there was zero advice on how to do anything so I figured it was all down to natural talent, which while I was above average I still lacked. I think even minimal effort sets you above most people but I was too dumb to realise this.

I think being raised without a father-figure was terrible too, as I wasn't taught why I should be strong or had any inspiration that my life would be anything other than failure. My Mum was/is caring but the mantra of 'be nice and people will be nice back' belongs to women, or at least talented socially-healthy people as they get more emotional support.

[firemonkey]

Unless parenting causes ASD-NO!

[Sunstoner]

I think maybe yes.

My parents were the kind to take the pi$$ all the time and especially so with their friends in social occasions and I was often the target. If my parents were sat out in the garden and I had to leave the house, I wouldnt or id wait until the right moment. Again especially so if they were out with friends.

I often recall this period when I was in my teens as being quite an influential moment for me. Perhaps a sign that I can enjoy a joke but not at my expense. I was super self conscious as many early - mid teens are but I was unable to ride the 'poking fun at me' wave as well as others seemingly could. I was always shy and quiet and this fairly regular behaviour from my parents seemed to push me more and more inwards each time. Resulting in me feeling super self aware and awkward.

Fast forward a few years when I met my wife and her family, I was taken aback at how this family could talk civilly without making anyone feel small. They passed no judgement, make no remarks on appearance. I feel absolutely at ease in their company.

Even today and now at 44. I have incredible discomfort when in my parents company. More so when my brother is present too. My dad and my brother are a but of a double act and often there will be a negative comment aimed at me.


Sorry a bit long winded and a snapshot of my younger experiences but its why i think I may have turned out differently with different parents. I may still have had SA but possibly to a lesser degree!?! . Who knows of course.

[Laurel]

There was a time I was spiralling towards a very normal teenager, then things spiralled away following a divorce of my parents, and the emotional impact of that.

[sillypenguin]

Nah, I was just a crazy shy girl who turned into a crazy anxious lady. It was always going to happen I guess!

[Lone Dog]

Different parents, maybe, rather than different parenting. A lot of it is set in motion before you are even born; and then your upbringing has an effect on you to make you what you are today. Whatever that is.

[Ro26]

Yes definitely, I always feel in limbo. I wouldn't say i'm not normal, yet at the sametime I'm not completely normal either. Alot of my anxieties/intimacy issues stem from an abusive and neglected childhood. If I had different parents, ones who were able to be supportive then I wouldn't have most of the difficulties I have and probably be able to have more of normal life. Though I probably would still have some of my struggles, as I don't want it to seem as if I blame my parents for my issues. I just know that I would be able to handle them better if I had grown up with parents who weren't mentally ill themselves.

[Sisyphus]

I grew up in a dysfunctional family which has left its mark. I don't know about 'different' as that could always mean worse, but a more wholesome and nurturing upbringing would have given me a much better chance.

Whether my problems are biological or sociological is hard to tell; I pass most tests so I can pretty much choose which I want it to be.

With me it really came as three issues: family, school, and possibly biology.

Basically a crappy hand to play.