Just messaged old friend (after a lot of procrastinating), first email rejected

[hollowone]

Hello,

Just sent off an email to an old friend who'v I've known for years who's living abroad. The reason I've been procrastinating is that the topic of conversation is always 'what have you been upto'. I find that question so difficult to & on-the-spot to answer (1). I feel that I am being asked to prove something.

The other reason I've been procrastinating is because there's also facebook phobia (2) & facebook has been the only means of contact.

Now, the first time I emailed, I did a long message with links to some of the things I've been doing such as making study sets for Quizlet and a link to a blog I've been making. The second time I did a quicker message without any links (I'll do that later) & it was successful (3).

Anyway (4), major part of the reason why I'm currently very socially-isolated is because I drift apart from people, end up not seeing them for ages, then I've got that awkwardness of catching up and getting back into contact (which involves that dreaded 'what have you been upto' question). It's that thought 'you've got to have something to show, a 'reason' to be contacting'. It's that which causes me to procrastinate. Anyway, the good news is I've done it, no flare, just straightforward honest.

Finally, I found it so nerve-wracking to do so that I've started drinking (5) but at least have said something, 'how's it going, what's been happening since we last spoke' etc.

Does anyone relate or have this problem or has faced this problem in the past?

[Sunset]

yes. I get this all the time. I don't have many friends but if contact is broken for any length of time it is much more difficult to reach out again.

for this reason, unless Im withholding contact for some reason I need regular contact with people or no contact at all. Something in between does not suit me.

[hollowone]

Hello again,

First of all, I'm talking about a long time friend who I value, who I've drifted in and out of contact with over 12 years also who contacts me,

Second, I've heard back in the mean time and caught up. It was a problem with the email address, I had several unchecked messages on fb which I've replied to as of writing.

Third; all this 'contact regularly or not at all' stuff sounds plain negative and cynical & a garunteed way to loneliness. If you're isolated & have drifted apart from people (reasons are many and varied, drifting apart from people is a main cause of loneliness) do make the effort.

Stop with the 'low self esteem' mumbo jumbo. People often react negatively to that. I get where you're coming from but that's not always appropriate & maybe a misread. Yes they were dead happy to hear & were so. The reason is not low self-esteem but not knowing the best course of action to go about doing so.

What this is about
Anyway the thread is about getting back into contact with people you've drifted apart from (4). Not for selfish reasons but because I think many people become isolated because of drifting apart from people due to friends moving away, starting families, getting busy. What are some helpful strategies to get back into contact with people who you'd like to see again? It's that being asked what you're up to/what do you do (1) that's hard to answer (I did the honest answer even though my job situation is embarrassing). The 'what you're upto/what do you do' question' that's a great way to stop a conversation or create awkwardness, there must be some alternatives. Getting past this is a reasons for avoiding people. What are some of the most helpful strategies you've found to get back into contact with people you've drifted apart from?

[Sunset]

I think most people with SA will have a difficult time re establishing contact after a break. Its just the nature of over analysing things.


I don't really know what would be the best way to re engage with someone, but sometimes I used a neutral question, say about a show or something in the news rather than " what have you been up to? ".

I think sometimes its best to just not over think, because, as stated people fall out of touch for lots of different reasons,

The only issue I have that sends my SA into overdrive is when the contact is one sided!

[hollowone]

Yo!

^Thanks sunset, that's a helpful thing to focus on, something neutral, just letting them know you haven;t forgotten.

In the meantime I have been in contact with the person I'd lost touch with & they're delighted.

There needs to be less negativity
All those replies above; 'either regular contact or not in contact at all', that's just mindless negativity. I told my dad about this, his reaction was 'ffsk'. People drift out of contact for all sorts of reasons.

Regarding what you do, doesn't matter, let them know you still know them.

The only issue I have that sends my SA into overdrive is when the contact is one sided!
Reply With Quote

There could be all sorts of reasons, they may have found someone, you might have drifted off the radar but that doesn't mean they've forgotten you or won't mind the odd message. You shouldn't let this be a reason to fall out of contact with people.

That first reply has suggested to me that this board has become a bloody echo chamber of people's worst case scenarios. Had I asked this elsewhere I'm sure the responses would have been different.

[Indigo_]

Originally Posted by hollowone

All those replies above; 'either regular contact or not in contact at all', that's just mindless negativity.

Originally Posted by hollowone

That first reply has suggested to me that this board has become a bloody echo chamber of people's worst case scenarios. Had I asked this elsewhere I'm sure the responses would have been different.

People have taken the time to read your thread and post a response, which is their opinion. I think you need to remember that hollowone. Pretty soon, the majority of members will not bother to reply to your threads as they seem to be bashed when they give a response you are not happy with. Just something to think about.

[Sunset]

^ I think you make a very valid point Indigo.

I come to this board to learn and listen to other peoples views. I think its great to hear other peoples perspective on things.

We all see the world so differently, and its good to be able to express oneself without fear of views being dismissed.

I really love SA UK!