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  #1  
Old 18th September 2017, 14:14
Silver Silver is offline
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Default Loneliness...again

Yes its that recurring issue again. I dont really suffer with sa anymore (apart from with certain types of people who I generally avoid anyway) but loneliness is a recurring issue. It is always worse during the autumn/winter months. I think its because seeing the sun shining through the windows in the evening reminds me that there is life outside and brings warmth and light (almost like a companion in a way) and the dark evenings are just vile...they feel lifeless and dead and feeling cold goes hand in hand with feeling lonely anyway. Even just being in the house alone for 10 minutes is enough to trigger that horrible cold, isolating, cut off, alienatating feeling. Last night I was feeling a bit hopeless and wondering how I was going to get through another autumn/winter without seeking into a deep depression. I keep as busy as I can as a coping strategy and have lots of stuff planned which is good. I was searching sauk for threads about loneliness and one stood out. The person was talking about self fulfilling prophecies and said if you keep telling yourself you're lonely and will always be alone then that is what will happen. I think there is a lot of truth in that to be honest. But I dont know how to break that cycle and pattern of thinking. It doesnt help that I dont have much family (and they all lives miles away anyway) and not that many close friends either (well certainly not friends I see regularly anyway). Funnily enough the best friends I ever made were through sauk but they have all mostly drifted away now sadly and moved on with their lives/live in different parts of the country. Also I have completely given up on the prospect of a relationship. Being asexual means I have more chance of flying to the moon in a hot air balloon than of finding a partner. Anyway after all that waffling on, what I want to know is....how do you change a thought/prophecy/self belief when all the evidence seems to stack up against you?
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  #2  
Old 18th September 2017, 17:01
Hayman Hayman is offline
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Default Re: Loneliness...again

That's a very interesting question. I'm someone who feels hurt so much by so many different people (in face to face interactions) for reasons often beyond my control, that isolation does often come as a relief to me. I quite enjoy my own company and even though I've not had any friends for more than 12 years now (my former best friend has regained sporadic contact with me over the last 18 months), I have to say that by in large I've not really missed having no friends. I don't have to keep on making others happy, nor feel the need to continually impress to keep 'ahead of the game' (the age-old peer pressure).

It would be a blatant lie coming from me if I said it’s done me nothing but good though. Far from it. There have been times I’ve felt lonely. There have been times I've wanted social interaction but never had it and yes, during those periods it’s got me down. I happily hold my hands up and admit to that. There are times I do feel ‘left out’ and it’s not always been through choice either. I’ve made several periods of sustained efforts to gain a social life which is on par with what’s deemed ‘the norm’ but found myself being either ignored, slapped in the face or stigmatised for my efforts when I have tried – which is then when I revert to feeling the relief of what I’ve just described above…

So, in a way I can change my thoughts and feelings as time goes by. If I find myself in isolation (and again, it’s not always through choice and sadly there seems to be a lack of understanding for people in this situation…), the longer it goes on, my ‘batteries’ seem to be recharged in order to make effort again. The effort I’m told by plenty of people will turn my life around – but doesn’t move me so much forwards as a step… Why? Stigmatisation from those who have their lifetime progressions under their belts. Without them, people lack basic, mutual respect for me.

At this moment in time, I feel I’m at the end of another period of trying and failing with little or no acknowledgement to the genuine, honest efforts I’ve made – only I’ve now reached an age (32) where I know there’s unlikely to be any chances for me in the future as most people see their chances and life progressions materialise for them in their 20’s.

For me – all I’ve ever wanted is a small circle of friends who mutually respect me. Nothing more. Okay, yes, there’s the age-old problem with me never having had a partner or even half a chance to have one and that’s likely going to cause me some serious emotional damage the more I’m kept away/not allowed the same basic chances…

I’m now reaching a point, on this issue, of basically not wanting to make effort until I know the odds, for once, aren’t going to be heavily stacked against me (due to stigmatisation) before I even start trying…
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Old 18th September 2017, 17:51
Silver Silver is offline
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Default Re: Loneliness...again

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boy

Why are you so lonely, Silver? I mean, you said that you almost don't have anxiety anymore, so you can do lots of social stuff. I know this advice is typical, but how about finding some social groups, groups with people that share your interests, like on meetup.com? Why not?
Sigh . Yes ive been to a million meet ups, social groups, courses, evening classes, not that it helps with making close friends I find. Sorry i know youre just trying to help but it just annoys me when people assume that people havent already tried the obvious.
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  #4  
Old 18th September 2017, 19:31
Libbyjay Libbyjay is offline
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Default Re: Loneliness...again

^ there is a difference between going out and meeting people and making friends. I know I can force myself to go out and prentend like I'm enjoying it to meet people. But turning those people into friends is a whole different thing.

I just don't seem to get the connection that most people get when the meet.

It's good your keeping your self busy and have lots of things planned.

Do you know what would make you feel less lonely? Is it just a case of having friends to go out with?
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Old 18th September 2017, 19:39
Libbyjay Libbyjay is offline
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Default Re: Loneliness...again

I feel really lonely but I have no idea how I can combat it. I just watch TV and films as a distraction
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Old 18th September 2017, 22:36
Silver Silver is offline
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Default Re: Loneliness...again

Quote:
Originally Posted by Libbyjay
^ there is a difference between going out and meeting people and making friends. I know I can force myself to go out and prentend like I'm enjoying it to meet people. But turning those people into friends is a whole different thing.

I just don't seem to get the connection that most people get when the meet.
You have summed it up perfectly, same with me its finding the connection with people that I really struggle with.

I miss my dad a lot, I really wish he was nearer and I didnt have to spend 2 hours on a bloody train to see him. That would help a lot. I wish I had a cat to cuddle up to as well.
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  #7  
Old 19th September 2017, 13:17
Lunar Lunar is offline
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Default Re: Loneliness...again

I agree - you can be surrounded by people and still be lonely unless you feel a connection to them. In some ways it can feel worse than being alone.
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  #8  
Old 19th September 2017, 14:00
Hayman Hayman is offline
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Default Re: Loneliness...again

@Silver – I've always struggled to connect with people of my own age over the last 12 years (plus) simply because the things we have in common or can relate to have simply evaporated away.

@Libbyjay – I think there’s truth in needing to go out with people, whether they're friends or simply acquaintances. The problem I have with that is that I don't have any friends (barring my former best friend, of which contact between us is sporadic to say the least…) and other people I know are the sorts of people who only contribute to my Social Anxiety. So, the latter defeats the object in all fairness. I want to go out and feel a sense of making progress, rather than facing the same problems that keep me 'shying away' in the first place – if that makes sense.

@Lunar – Very true. I've been out on my own several times this year and I do get a sense of "Why am I doing this?!" when all I've done is sat or stood somewhere alone. I see everyone else enjoying themselves with decent company and I do distinctly feel like a 'spare part' when I'm probably the only silent person in the room/venue e.t.c…

Last bank holiday weekend, I went into two pubs purely to get out of the house for a few hours (I had the house to myself for a few days). I only spoke to two people during the time I was out. Both were the barmen of the individual pubs in order to buy my pint. That was it… I sat down, looked around and…nothing happened. Yet, everyone around me was having fun, meeting people e.t.c… I'm going out, doing the same fundamental thing (buying a drink!) but nothing happens for me. In the first pub, I even walked around the isles (it's a big place) looking around to see if I knew anyone as I know it's a haunt of some people I used to know. I didn't recognise anyone.

At this point, a common reply is that I should just speak to people – as if I can control my Social Anxiety as if it were a light switch. I can't turn it on and off to suit the occasion, otherwise it would be permanently off! I find that point which is made to me rather obtuse, to be honest.

Anyway, at the end of my outing I walked back home. Sure, I'd got out the house and had a few beers. Where did it get me though? It cost me around £15 (I bought some chips on the way home – so I spoke to three people in the end…) and I still went home with pretty much zero social interaction. Just the same old sense of feeling lost and hopeless. I got back home, turned on the TV and thought "Do you know what…? I could have just stayed here. It would have saved money and I’ve made just as much social interaction for making zero effort!".

I have to try and put a positive spin on this though - because go back only four or five years and going out to those pubs wouldn't have even been a consideration. I'd have stayed in the house. So, there's certainly been a step forwards for me. I'm proud that I can no be 'brave' enough to go out (when the funds allow) but it doesn't gain me anything else - so it feels like a hollow victory in a way.
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