Has anyone moved out and had a mostly positive experience doing so? How?

[Amara 94]

I moved out but only lasted about two weeks.

However I notice the main advantage was that I was much more independent even if I was anxious. I still tried to figure myself out, as I moved out I explored the area much more than at home. That was a good and bad thing though as it was a sign of my low sense of self but then I was also doing stuff, or had a tiny bit of hope.

I notice at home, my room is probably more comfortable than what I would get moving out, even though I’m in a council house. At the shared accommodation there was a lack of privacy, I didn’t like having to pass a receptionist every time I left the building as well. So I think I picked the wrong location last time.

At home however I feel more comfortable but also more stagnant and probably resentful cause I’m stagnant. Then although my mum isn’t overly strict the environment feels mentally controlling.

The last time I moved out my mum would call everyday and put on an act of not being able to take care of herself, being more depressed. As my workplace was still a walk from home she would call me to help her with something after work. I was only working part time. I think next time I have to set tighter boundaries and if she puts on the act, make her accountable for it.

At the same time though, with the lack of privacy, I felt truly alone moving out. Felt like I got dirty looks, more than in my hometown, it got the sense that people saw me as awkward. There was a cleaner who acted coldly to me then one time another resident was there and he proudly greeted him. It felt like I was doing something wrong. Even so, now I’m understanding dirty looks, eye rolls, sometimes these things may be more painful than they should be to me because I may have BPD or something similar.

But I feel my house makes me stagnant. I also know my mum is mentally ill but resent the fact that she can’t seem to offer advice, or probably be a mum in the role playing sense. I told her the other day “you can’t please everyone” when I responded to something she advised me on. Then she responded “ you” as if I was just addressing her. Sounds small, but if she doesn’t see such statement as a truth like most people how can I really rely on her for emotional advice? I always hide it from her, maybe that makes it hard for me to express my opinions in general.

I think I just want independence and to not feel like I have to please others.

TLDR: How did you manage the transition of moving out without becoming mentally distressed?

[Amara 94]

I think I would probably have to describe myself if I’m moving to a shared accommodation, most likely. I don’t want to feel the need to sacrifice too much of myself.

[Dougella]

I moved out to live with my boyfriend (we moved into a flat that was new to both of us)

There are a lot of good things about it, more independence, more freedom, a feeling of being more responsible for yourself etc. But I will say the first year was really hard and a lot of adjustment.

So I wouldn't be too hard on yourself if you find it difficult at first.

Maybe your mum missed you when you left, but she doesn't know how to express that so she contacted you about more practical things instead?

[choirgirl]

It was a different time when I moved out so no useful advice to give really. I had it easy because I moved out to go to university which is a bubble. Once starting work, it was easier than it is now, although there was no minimum wage then. In those days housing was cheaper, although private renting was still crap and insecure and expensive. There was a reliable basic safety net, although I was an idiot and didn't use it, so that reduced stress, although the spectre of homelessness (of the sofa-surfing variety) was always there. Nowadays savings might be advisable. Unfortunately social anxiety took me over so I ruined my life more than I had to. I'm just reminiscing, really. I'd find it difficult now to live with housemates again, but beggars can't be choosers and all that. I'll probably have to do it at some point.

I think Dougella might be right about your mum missing you but not being able to say so outright.

[Amara 94]

True, although I suspect it's routed in co-dependency as well. We don't speak that much at home.

[choirgirl]

^I nearly said something about that, then thought, that's a bit rude!

[gregarious_introvert]

Like choirgirl, I moved out in very different times (over 40 years ago now); initially, I moved into university halls of residence, which didn't go at all well because I was too close to other people (there was a shared kitchen and bathroom) so I spent that time isolated in my room and became agoraphobic, but once I was able to find independent accommodation, there were no issues at all.

I have never lived in shared accommodation (except, of course, the halls of residence) and couldn't imagine doing so; I enjoy my independence and privacy far too much! Any adjustments that I had to make on moving out of the parental home were positive ones - being able to live according to my own routine, making my own meals, not being told what I could and couldn't do etc. - and I thrived on autonomy. It was just as well, as, although I wasn't forced to leave my parents' house, my mother made it clear once I had left that I couldn't return - but in the end, both my parents and I were very appreciative of having our own space.

[MissKatie]

I moved out at 18. I was MASSIVELY social anxious at that time but I genuinely believed when my mum said "if you don't move out, I'll kick you out" because my sister left home at 18 too.

My sister is rather gregarious though so it felt like s punishment.
As luck would have it, someone in my job was looking to rent a room where I lived so I accepted. He and I never saw eye to eye, but that's fine, I'm a lodger.

Over the next few years he and I got antagonist and I ended up moving into a place I couldn't afford.
Ten years passed there and things were rough, I couldn't afford the bills and things went to poop.
I was eventually made homeless and ended up living on the streets for a short while before I was saved by someone who gave me a chance to get back on my feet.

I'm now semi comfortable (THANKS covid :/) and in a place I can belong.

Mine is an unlikely poor case scenario that 95% don't need to consider.

[choirgirl]

Oh that sounds bad Miss Katie. That's good someone helped you. I've had a mostly irrational lifelong fear of street homelessness that dates back to the late 80s/early 90s when I was growing up.

[Amara 94]

^ I would hate to be homeless. I guess if I move out I need some amount of financial stability.