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#91
16th January 2011, 02:28
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Re: tell lies
cucumbers make excellent natural candles.
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#92
16th January 2011, 09:13
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Re: tell lies
Paul McCartney (Sir Paul to you) had Michael Jackson killed when a bidding war for the Beatles' royalties turned nasty. And John Lennon, he did for him and all, the spoon-faced Scouse tosspot.
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#93
16th January 2011, 14:54
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Re: tell lies
The queen sent me a message on pof requesting..
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#95
16th January 2011, 18:31
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Re: tell lies
At 11am on the 11th of the 11th this year ('11), there will be a total eclipse of all the planets, moons, suns, stars and everything. It's a 1 in 7.6 gahamalamajozillion event when all the heavenly bodies will be in perfect alignment for 11 minutes and 11 seconds. You won't see anything though, just total blankness.
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#96
18th January 2011, 10:32
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Re: tell lies
^ I'll have to make a note in my diary! Just have done and I'm going to go to 11th Street, Philadelphia where it's said there will be the best view of this historical astronomical phenomenon.
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#97
18th January 2011, 20:51
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Re: tell lies
KITT kindly dropped me off at work this morning.
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#99
19th January 2011, 14:08
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Re: tell lies
The SAUK Discussion "Board" is so-called because it was originally just that - a section of chipboard erected in Birmingham city centre in 1978, that people could come and stick post-it notes on detailing their social anxiety related issues. Thankfully, technology has come a long way since then!
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#100
20th January 2011, 11:06
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Re: tell lies
Janet Street Porter fantasizes about having sex with you.
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#101
20th January 2011, 13:46
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Re: tell lies
she's doing it right now.
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#102
20th January 2011, 14:00
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Re: tell lies
Jeremy Clarkson is watching in the background wearing only a thong.
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#103
20th January 2011, 14:57
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Re: tell lies
Quote:
i thought we were supposed to be lying? we both know this is true >.<
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#104
20th January 2011, 15:00
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Re: tell lies
i'm on the telly just now giving an interview to the reporting scotland news team.
there was a big queue waiting at the bus stop outside the chippy, and i noticed a minigun resting against the wall. so i strafed everyone, and then went into the barbers, asked for an emo dye job, and then killed them all too. i've been getting on well really well with the female news reporter - she's just fixing her make up and then we're going to the chippy. i said i'd pay 
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#105
20th January 2011, 17:03
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Re: tell lies
Angelina (***8220;The Ballerina***8221;) Jolie has become quite wealthy of late, what with her acting career and paper round, and she has used some of the extra cash to have extra toes surgically fitted to each foot. The new toes face backwards and allow Angelina to perch securely on branches while she roosts, keeping her safe from ground based predators like tigers, badgers and very large mice. Unfortunately this leaves her exposed to sh*t-faced arboreal irritants such as marmosets and Adrian Chiles - even with Angelina's money you can't buy happiness!
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#106
20th January 2011, 19:51
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Re: tell lies
13 inches.
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#110
21st January 2011, 19:52
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Re: tell lies
Lego was originally designed as a plastic explosive, aimed at the terrorist market. Its USP was its interlocking pieces which would allow bombers to create an explosion of exactly the required sized but unfortunately, or fortunately as it turned out, the plastic was not the exploding kind and the manufacturers were left with a useless pile of interlocking bricks until a lowly lab technicician, Heyubitczh Legominob, hit on the idea of marketing the bricks as a children's toy.
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#111
22nd January 2011, 00:57
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Re: tell lies
Sky Three has been showing the same episode of 'Road Wars' non-stop for two years.
(actually that might not be a lie)
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#112
24th January 2011, 01:03
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Re: tell lies
Nick Griffin revealed in an interview that the most played track on his ipod is "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist" from Avenue Q. He also has a selection of trojan records which he insists is "only the original skinhead stuff".
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#114
25th January 2011, 19:03
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Re: tell lies
I've managed to gnaw through the ropes, climb out of the pit and get to the computer he keeps in the basement. His internet history is filled with disgusting sites and strangely there is also a link to lolcats. I haven't eaten in three days. He kept dousing me with the hose over and over, threatening to do it again unless I put the lotion on my skin. I told him I needed to get back to my job teaching kindergarten when really I was an undercover cop looking for a criminal's ex wife and son.
He told me he was dangerous, that he'd been in cryo prison and was freed early and then went on a bloody rampage trying to kill his arch enemy who was a cop. The cop killed him but he didn't die. In fact he was reincarnated into a cat and taken aboard a spaceship which was infiltrated by bloodthirsty aliens and he and a lady were the only survivors. I said I didn't believe him, but he laughed and said that soon the machines would take over the earth so he needed my skin to make a mask so he could massacre teenagers in texas. Then he left, saying he was a part-time henchman and a guy named Hans had a job for him in LA. That was two days ago...I think i'm gonna make a break for it. p.s. yes, I was kidnapped by a talking cat.
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#116
27th January 2011, 19:00
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Re: tell lies
Tomorrow I am appearing on the Jeremy Kyle Show having a heated row with my mum and my sister. Lots of my expletives are bleeped out. The security staff had to restrain me from thumping my mum at one point.
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#117
27th January 2011, 22:18
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Re: tell lies
On one special day every year the law of gravity is revoked in Belgium in honour of one of that country's greatest sons, the philanthropist, philosopher and keen amateur daschund shaver Elbo Duckparts.
On May the 53rd patriotic Belgians waft gently through the upper atmosphere, drinking Schadenfreude cocktails and dressed in the frowsy bathing cap and lurid porcelain thigh-guards of the traditional medieval cretin. You will no doubt remember Elbo Duckparts from school history lessons. He was awarded the coveted Jean de Florette medal in the first world war for camping it up whilst under enemy fire and went on to found the first nursing home for homeless and bewildered furniture. Duckparts worked tirelessly in this institution until his death in 1975, despite losing a nipple during an encounter with a rogue coffee table.
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#118
28th January 2011, 11:42
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Re: tell lies
Quote:
i was one of the security guys you wacked the other day. nice left hook 
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