Anxiety, success and careers

[karatelady]

Hi everyone,
I'd be interested to hear people's take on this- your thoughts and/or experiences. It's partly related to anxiety but I mean it generally too.

Basically I've been very successful career-wise, but I've realised it doesn't make me happy. In fact, it makes me even more anxious and depressed.
I read quotes such as "The world doesn't need more 'successful people.' The world desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds." (The Dalai Lama) and think I more comfortably fall in the latter categories. But it feels like there isn't much room in our society for that any more. It feels very hard-nosed and individualistic, and nowhere do I see that more than in work.

However I've worked so hard to get where I am that I'm afraid to give it up- that I'll regret it, end up a failure, be called weak... I'm also worried that the anxious part of my mind is sabotaging me and making me want to sack it in, but the 'real' me doesn't really want to. Does this make sense?

Anyway, I just wanted to know if anyone else has been in a similar position and what you did.
What are people's general thoughts on career success with stress vs. alternatives (lower level job, lower stress/anxiety)?

edit: I just realised I don't want this to sound like I'm boasting. I don't actually put that much value in career success any more and do think a lot of it is down to luck!

[timmytim7]

I have no idea sorry but I hope you find some answers and make the right choices to be happy

Tim

[karatelady]

Thanks Tim, sometimes it just helps to put these things out there anyway! I feel better for just writing it.

[ArkoN]

Originally Posted by karatelady

Hi everyone,
I'd be interested to hear people's take on this- your thoughts and/or experiences. It's partly related to anxiety but I mean it generally too.

Basically I've been very successful career-wise, but I've realised it doesn't make me happy. In fact, it makes me even more anxious and depressed.
I read quotes such as "The world doesn't need more 'successful people.' The world desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds." (The Dalai Lama) and think I more comfortably fall in the latter categories. But it feels like there isn't much room in our society for that any more. It feels very hard-nosed and individualistic, and nowhere do I see that more than in work.

However I've worked so hard to get where I am that I'm afraid to give it up- that I'll regret it, end up a failure, be called weak... I'm also worried that the anxious part of my mind is sabotaging me and making me want to sack it in, but the 'real' me doesn't really want to. Does this make sense?

Anyway, I just wanted to know if anyone else has been in a similar position and what you did.
What are people's general thoughts on career success with stress vs. alternatives (lower level job, lower stress/anxiety)?

edit: I just realised I don't want this to sound like I'm boasting. I don't actually put that much value in career success any more and do think a lot of it is down to luck!

the only thing i desire in life is to earn a good living. you make erfect sense, but you would be far more unhappy without your career

[Progress]

I don't relate directly to your situation, but I don't think I'd be as negative about success as the DL. I think it's a perfectly good thing to be as successful as you can. But what is successful? If something is too stressful, maybe success is to realise that and back off a bit.

I can't quite figure out whether it's stress making you want to give it up or some kind of guilt over your success. I don't see success as anything to be guilty about, surely it's something that should be admired? But I also hear loads of stories of people who give up high stress jobs for low pay and easy life and love it.

[black_mamba]

I totally relate. I quit a stressful well-paid job and become a human rights activist many years ago!

I have millions of thoughts on the topic and don't really know where to begin! Do you have any sort of idea of what you would rather be doing karatelady? I'm guessing you want to help people somehow?

I was literally just reading an article somewhat related to this. Might be worth a read: http://milkthepigeon.com/2014/01/06/...ution-are-you/

[red_kites]

I had a situation similar to Black M.

I quit my job in London due to stress and my health - I have epilepsy and stress exacerbated my condition. Since then, I've found a better job, which also happens to be better paid and more flexible. I'd ask yourself a question - are you happy in what you are doing?

With regards to your quote, I recently stayed with a Tibetan family in Darjeeling, India. I learnt a lot and had a life-changing experience while backpacking in India.

Best of luck!

[karatelady]

I had a look at that article, black_mamba, and it makes a lot of sense! Sometimes there's so many things going on it's hard to know what to prioritise, and in my situation there's two main ones going on: health and purpose. So guess it's health to tackle first!
I think I would rather be helping people; I grew up as a carer and have always felt the urge to help others as much as I can. I think my experience as a carer has influenced me too: I've seen someone devote a lot of their life to their career, then have it all taken away from them in a wink by illness. They never got to do all the things they planned to do when they retired.

Red_kites- I would be happy in what I'm doing if it was lower stress, but the amount of work is just crazy and the people around me are so stressed and anxious it tends to rub off. Also, I essentially need to be a bit of an a****** to make much headway and it's not in me to be like that. I feel awful for all the times I have to be bolshy. Did you stay in your current job and just look for a new one, or did you take a break to go travelling?

Progress- Another factor is that I do feel kind of guilty. A lot of the people on the same level as me have taken a lot more time to get where they are and I worry that they're resentful, I guess :/

[zork]

Hi karatelady, When I read stories such as yours it makes me doubt if I actually have sa because I am such a weak, feeble, pushover that there is no way I could possibly have a succesfull career like you have. All I can do is menial jobs that require no backbone, no confrontation and in no way draw attention to myself. Dont get me wrong Im really pleased to hear you are successful but like I say it makes me think sa isnt my problem and that I am just a weak doormat who is trying to find an excuse for this and has somehow identified with sa.
All the best for the future

[Clockface]

I kind of see where you are coming from Karatelady. Ideally I would like to go far in my career by moving up through hierarchies (and earning more money of course) but realistically I know that due to my SA and low self esteem I will probably never make it past assistant level. I have an understanding of what going above this level would be like due to observing supervisors, managers and analysts in their jobs and I know I just couldn't be like them as I wouldn't be able to talk confidently, get my message across clearly or be a leader.

I went through a dreadful time in my first job as I was trying to do a management accountant's job whilst studying for a CIMA qualification. I ended up leaving this and for the last 7 years I have just been a finance assistant. It depresses me a bit that this is all I will ever be capable of but at the same time I like not having the stress and worry of trying to do something that I'm not capable of. I envy those friends of mine who have high powered jobs and huge salaries, but for starters they don't have SA and are very confident in themselves. I also know that they have been through a lot of stress in their jobs but I wouldn't be able to tell when I meet with them.

It sounds like you are doing quite well Karatelady so I would do what makes you happy, without letting yourself get so stressed and overworked that it makes your life miserable. It's not worth it if it is.

[PussyRiot]

I haven't ever been very successful career wise. It is such a difficult time out there at the moment job wise, I wouldn't want to say leave or give it up. Could you take a career break, or start training in a similar area to the one you are now, so that if you did decide to change career it would not mean you were left jobless if it didn't work out. If I were you I would look into what is available out there and what you think you might enjoy and start from there.

[MrsF]

Well, I can't say that I was ever very successful still over the years I have given up different jobs usually because of anxiety in one form or another. I would say giving up a job has never worked out well for me, however stressful being around people on a daily basis has been, being home alone has been worse and made my SA worse...if you want to make a big change, which sometimes in life is exactly what you need...then plan it carefully... And have something else to move onto also don't make big decisions when your under a lot of stress...or in difficult circumstances! Good luck! You will work it out

[яemus]

I gave up on a successful career in electronics. Tried out retail but it was not for me. Then tried catering and I really enjoyed it. Half the money but not so dull and depressing (And no clock watching).

[GoldFish]

Originally Posted by ***1103;emus

I gave up on a successful career in electronics. Tried out retail but it was not for me. Then tried catering and I really enjoyed it. Half the money but not so dull and depressing (And no clock watching).

Sameg

[moretolife]

Hey karatelady, I can identify with you really well. I quit a 'successful' career a few years ago for similar reasons: a combination of stress, lack of self-belief, and passionately wanting to do something that really mattered. However, things did not go particularly smoothly for me after that, and i'm now unemployed... This isn't quite as stark as it sounds (it's partly out of choice at the moment, and I might have some contract work soon) but my CV is pretty messy these days, and it gets ever harder to make a new start as the years tick by - though I am in my mid-30s and I'd say it's not so bad if you're younger.

Anyway, as I could identify so much with your post, I thought I'd say a bit more about how it's been for me and what my suggestions would be:

One thing to say is that, much as I was never driven by conventional success or money, leaving a secure career turned out to be very destabilising for me - much more than I anticipated. I think having a structure and a sense of being able to 'account for myself' and my 'place in society' gave me a lot more security than I realised, even if the stress and self-doubt in the job were very challenging too. This doesn't mean you shouldn't leave, but I would personally always suggest to people that they have another plan first, and be as sure as they can that it's one that will be a good move for them. My own 'plan B' didn't work out because (a) it turned out to be a case of frying pan into fire in terms of the stress, (b) jobs in my new area turned out to be very scarce, and (c) although I had hoped it would be much more aligned with my values, it turned out to be wrought with compromises.

So that is a cautionary tale - the upshot is just that I would just suggest being fairly sure before you make a move.

Another thing to mention is about finding work that fits with your ideals. I have recently been reading about effective altruism which says it may actually be better to earn good money and give it to charity than to try and make a living doing good. I'm not convinced about this yet (I still think the world won't get fixed until we stop making money wrecking it and exploiting each other) but I just mention it as food for thought. You might be interested in the organisation 80,000 hours which is all about this (that is the number of work hours in the average person's life, and the question is how best to use them). They even have free career counselling apparently so that could be worth considering.

Hmm, what else? I guess the reason I came back onto the forum today was that I'm still really torn between wanting to give myself a break SA-wise (ie sparing myself the horrors of having to function in a challenging workplace) and feeling like I won't be happy if I totally abandon having a 'career'. Will I always feel like I let myself down / sold myself short?

Anyway, I hope some of these thoughts are useful - I was wishing the other day that I could have considered these things more when I left my career(s)... Happy to PM if you would like to chat more.

Wishing you all the best.

[black_mamba]

^That's a fascinating post moretolife, echos a lot of the problems I had when I first left my career and felt lost without structure.

I too am always torn between doing good work vs. donating to charity. When I earnt a good salary I donated lots but for me it was about the day-to-day feelings of being trapped, and no amount of donating seemed to help. It's different for everyone. It's a matter of perspective too, as everyone contributes to society in some way - even if you're doing work that feels uselss day to day. You have to frame it differently. Interesting topic to think about! Reminds me of:



As for giving up on "career"...I'd suspect this is perhaps more to do with self-esteem than money?

I don't know the answers, but in my experience I tried about a bazillion things before I realised truths about myself - what sort of stuff day to day I preferred, who I preferred to work with, where, indoors, outdoors, etc. It was never as simple as menial/low pay-altruistic job vs. career. Often I was lured in by societal pressures and rewards for doing something that seemed impressive, and the ego boost I got from a job that was familiar to people and widely accepted.

Perhaps there are less risky ways to push yourself SA wise, non-committal projects or volunteering until you figure things out, for example.

[Parmaviolet]

Hello KarateLady, I can completely relate to what you are going through. I think its important to remember that what people term as 'success' in life can vary from person to person. Some believe that having a fantastic career is what terms success and others it is being able to achieve other goals outside of work such as travelling the world or having a family. For people like us with SA having both can be difficult because the career-side can be very stressful, and unpredictable. It can be mean changing jobs several times in order to gain experience and expose ourselves to social situations which can be very distressing on a daily basis. I think if you don't love the job you are doing regardless of what salary you make, then its time to think about doing something else. If it is the Social Anxiety which is making you question your career, then I think its important to face it and expose yourself to the challenges it may face. It will be difficult, but if it means being a part of something you have a genuine interest in then i say go for it! My SA makes me extremely anxious about any new job or new assignment I need to face during my career but after a couple of weeks, it is better and I start to love the job I am doing. Sometimes happiness and success do not always compliment each other, but it is possible to have both.
I have taken a break from my career to work in retail shops etc but I personally felt very undervalued and depressed after several months. I think this was because I felt I had accomplished so many things and I was capable of much more.
I wish you all the best in whatever you do - whatever makes you happy and enjoy life is the most important aspect in any decision you make.

[Morgana]

Interesting topic, karatelady.
Well done on your career success, by the way. I have a kind of career, which I regard as something of an achievement given how bad I feel a lot of the time, but you must get some sense of achievement, even if it's small, knowing you have an ability and can make good use of it.

As for the finding happiness...I try to do it via hobbies more than anything. Then if I lose my job for any reason, hopefully my source of happiness will still exist. I hope that sort of makes sense.

One thing I've seen several times now, is people in high flying jobs go for something much less well-paid, but personally more fulfilling. Seen two examples of people in the financial industry become vicars - from money dealing to spirituality, I can quite understand that change! The other one is usually going from marketing or a high-pressure office job to working with animals or in a caring profession.

[Blue Ocean]

Karate Lady,

Maybe your main is fear to do with how others might perceive you, if you made the change? Whilst the appeal of the change is about how you would perceive yourself? I guess a bias towards the expectations of others comes with the territory of SA. Maybe it would help to think about whose expectations you truly care about. Who exactly would call you weak?

For what it is worth, I have a job that I believe makes a difference, and there is no doubt that the motivation I get from that helps me to find the energy to endure my social fears and to 'perform' the role of a confident professional.

Good luck.....