What have I started/got myself into?

[jontyboyoh]

I mentioned that I'd started Victim Support's Training Course a month ago, and last nite saw the end of the 5 full/intensive days training (there was a good month's gap in between the first 3 and remaining 2 days).

In terms of my social problems, the first three days were excellent. I was apprehensive before it started, then when I got there I was really proud of myself for feeling so relaxed, especially as I was the only male.

However, stuff happened in my head during the month's break: not only did I start to have doubts about the whole thing (in the way cracks always seem to show after a bit with me= call it self-sabotage, if you will), but I discovered a racist part of myself (whereby I have felt the need on many occasions to use racist language)= its now a full-blown obsession. So the first thought I had was: 'How can I be a part of something like Victim Support if I'm having these thoughts/feelings?'

Yesterday and Tuesday were the remaining training days, throughout which I was battling with myself, as to whether I should be honest with the people there and start a discussion to clear things up about the doubts I was having (I know how good opening up is to alleviate/iron out such anxieties). But I found it so difficult and sensitive to bring up that it was much easier to just supress it even further (I won't be surprised if I get an ulser when I'm older).

I don't know if it'll help writing all this, but I've got nothing else to do, so....... Can you imagine how excruciating this experience was? Sat there with a few Asian girls and a black woman and talking about various sensitive issues to do with people's feelings, where under the surface I had all these words and thoughts bubbling; thinking I'd be discovered or found out; feeling disgusted and weak because I couldn't just say what was on my mind; planning to mention it or let something out, but then chickening out. All this, not to mention the lack of concentration when I was meant to be discussing things, and the way it was leading to other dark thoughts.

Add to this the fact that I know an existing volunteer who is Asian who I've been out for a drink a few times with and often phones me to organise practical jokes with another person (which I go along with because I don't have the balls to say 'no').

I could go on forever about this, but instead I'll just say a bit about what my therapist thinks. He states that all obsessions are a manifestation of an over-protective parent ego state (in this case my mum), and that it doesn't actually matter what you obsess about, so long as you're protecting yourself and keeping yourself away from people.

So what do I think I need to do?....... I think I just need to let go and use these words in my head, either as a joke or otherwise (to be honest, people probably know by now that I'm so sensitive that it could only be taken as a joke anyway). If only to break this hex/ neural pathway that I've built up, this is the only way forward I can see to move through this.

Apologies for the epistle, but as I said I've nothing else to do. Your thoughts please......... I know I've mentioned this before (a few weeks ago in fact).

[Jessie Phillips]

Yeah I think your therapist is onto something - it sounds as though you're using the idea that you're somehow "racist" as a justification for keeping yourself away from people - which is exactly the sort of thing that social anxiety makes you do. I think that if race wasn't the issue, it would be something else.

I mean - do you really have racist thoughts? Because if you do, you certainly haven't let on any of them in your post. For example - when you say Asian, do you mean Arabic, or Indian, or Oriental? I think someone who was really racist would probably qualify it a bit more than you have. But then again, maybe you're trying to hide it.

I think it would help if you can talk about this with someone - but it needs to be someone you can really level with. Do you feel as though you're able to level with anyone you've met at the organisation yet? If not, can you think of anyone outside the organisation you can talk with?

Hope it gets better! Keep us informed.