It's taken me a few years but here I am...for better or worse...

[Austere_Lemur]

Hi, I don't know if this counts because I'm drunk and that's the only way I could come on here.

I'm 21 and I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember - my family only started to recognise it when I went to university and got diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. I've since dropped out of university twice - not being able to cope with going to lectures or attenting seminars (I couldn't even go to the library because I missed out on the orientation during the first week).

My problem was that even though support and mentoring services were offered to me during my second attempt at university (when my condition became recognised); I didn't have the drive to keep up with things.

Not only am I inept when it comes to the world in general; I don't leave my front door at all. I am incredibly fortunate that my mum provides a roof for me. She broke up with my dad two years ago - she was miserable in that relationship for twenty years and I shouldn't have really have been born, but she did her utmost to make a go of things for my sake.

I know it probably sounds sad, but my mum is actually my best friend. Ironically she can turn around in Sainsbury's and strike up a conversation with the next person in the queue and become the best of friends; conversely I am really shy, but I've always relied on her for strength.

I'm more like my dad; but since he was always at work whenever I was young, I grew up with seeing my mum off her face, drunk, and falling over - I used to wish that my dad was home, even though he never could be because of his high-octane job.

Since I came of legal age, I discovered that I'm more like my family when it comes to alcoholism. I've been off my face, throwing up and stuff. I've been addicted and felt like I can't get through a day without it. I did a lot of dumb stuff at uni. On my second time, I used alcohol to be outgoing and it ended up going wrong for me in the end.

One day I want to have a relationship and a family, but I know that I'm nowhere near that now. Uni just distorted things for me because you feel that you can do anything when you're drunk and high. I really made an effort the second time I went back, and it lasted for a few months - I made a few friends in my halls but I inevitably screwed it up by drinking to keep up with the pressure of trying to stay social.

I know that this post is probably already really long, but I need to get this all out now - or I never will.

Ill mental health runs in my family, not that it's ever discussed or acknowledged. I'm half English and half Norwegian. My English side is all but dead; my Norwegian side disowns me because my blood is tainted and also because I'm homosexual. I kept being told that in Norway there are more jobs than people, but I wouldn't ever be able to thrive there because I need the support that is only becoming more recognised in England in the last couple of years and isn't recognised in Norway.

Anyway, I've probably forgotten the whole point of this post by now.

I don't know what to say. I'm 21 - soon to be 22 in the summer. I started self-harming when I was 14 and I attempted suicide a few times but I'm still here and I'm not suicidal anymore even though I self-harm sometimes (though not seriously and not often anymore). I guess raising awareness would be one positive thing to take from my failure of a life.

I don't leave my front door - my mum does pretty much everything. I do go out as long as I'm with her, but she works and her time with me is awfully limited with me. Also she has a new boyfriend and my dad lives abroad. Contributing rent is hard for me since I can't even manage to sort out signing on.

And, yeah, I probably digressed from the point long ago. Thanks for putting up with me anyway.

[Amelia Rosae]

Welcome. Your situation sounds quite similar to how I used to be, and hey there's nothing wrong with having your mum as a best friend, I know plenty of people that do that.

Like I tell everyone I know off here, it can be scary and traumatizing but try to put yourself in scary situations and force yourself, it's how I managed to get a lot better, I still struggle now and then but if you try to just force yourself into doing stuff, you get a bit of confidence and a buzz out of it, it's exhausting but the more you push you'll just find yourself becoming more and more not arsed about certain situations, at least that's what happened with me. I still suck on a phone though.

For a start when you come back to here, try to not drink, see how it goes. People are generally supportive and nice here, if there's any sillyness Azi's team of moderating cats banish those posts and people to never never land, so you can breathe and relax. Well done for posting though.

I was actually having a conversation with a friend the other day about when you just lock yourself away from the world it actually makes you worse off, and I actually really think it does, maybe just try to go for random walks in busy areas, it may help, seems to make me feel more confident oddly.

With the suicide, well, my therapist told me I should probably do something to make myself not feel completely worthless, because that's really all suicide is, you just make yourself feel worthless but in actual fact you could just find something to do and force your way to do what you want, help people to help yourself even, which is exactly what I did, I forced my way into a lazy mode office job a monkey could do for a close friend and I run my guild and go to archery a couple times a week. Maybe tomorrow I'll go for a walk randomly on my own, just force yourself to do what you wanna do, if I can do it (and I was in a pretty brutal situation) anyone can. Also standing in the sun randomly made me feel happy, you should try that.

Good luck and take care.

[Austere_Lemur]

Thank you. I didn't expect anyone to reply, but thank you. I also understand what you're saying and I'm grateful for the advice.

[Rane]

Hello and welcome. I hope you find the site useful

[Dougella]

Hi you're in the right place for help and support here.

[am1000]

Hi

[Leonard_Egan]

Welcome and well done for taking some steps to get on the mend.

[BennyB]

Hi Austere_Lemur

I really sympathise with your situation. I used to drink heavily, and act the fool in a desperate attempt to cover up my ineptitude in social situations. Found Uni a particular strugle, used to wake up with feelings of awful guilt and paranoia as to what I had said and done the night before - all a far cry from my shy and softly spoken sober state - lead me to lose good friends and definitely made my depression much worse. Although alchohol seems to be a good quick fix, it essentially leads to avoidance behaviour which makes anxiety a lot worse in the long run. Its depressant properties aren't too helpful either.


Best of luck with everything, and well done on joining the forum.


BennyB




BennyB