Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

Orwell20 · #1 11th January 2019, 16:49

Sometimes this scares me. I never really wanted kids, and now that I'm in my 40s and still crippled with SA it seems unlikely. But there are times when I regret it. Above all, I feel scared. This christmas really brought it home to me that I'm alone! All those Facebook images of old schoolfriends surrounded by beaming kids opening their presents got to me. It never has before. When I'm old there will be no one there for me, no one to come to the doctors with me, no one to hold my hand when I feel scared, no one to push my wheelchair. I've seen very old people who are completely isolated and it's awful. I know of elderly people who literally spend their entire life staring at the walls of their bedroom. A carer will pop in for an hour, but apart from that no one cares what happens to them (and some of the carers are awful - stealing stuff out of the fridge, not doing their job properly, etc; obviously they aren't all like that, but I know for a fact that many are). Maybe it's to do with hitting my 40s. All of a sudden, ageing seems real.

Dougella · #2 11th January 2019, 18:04

I think, as has been said in threads before here, having children doesn't guarantee that they'll be there to help care for you when you get older. People don't always get on, some people move to other countries or just far away enough that they can rarely visit.
One of my siblings has moved to Canada. I'm sure if anything happened with either of my parents or when they get more elderly he'd come home to visit but he couldn't be involved in day to day care.

One of my relatives finds hospitals and illness really difficult to deal with and they couldn't stay with their parent at the end of their life or sit by their bedside in the hospital, luckily they have siblings who did but what if they were an only child. I just don't think it's as simplistic as most people who have children will be looked after by them.

Indigo_ · #3 11th January 2019, 19:01

I imagine I will feel regret if I don't have children. But my reasoning for having children wouldn't be so they could care for me in my old age. My parents are in their 60s now and caring for my grandad who is in his 90s and it's putting an awful amount of pressure and worry on them. I wouldn't want that for my children.

Schmosby · #4 11th January 2019, 19:13

I have no kids as far as I am aware and I feel happy about that. Given the state of this world and that we are slaves, I feel I have done the best by them.

gregarious_introvert · #5 11th January 2019, 19:15

I have had times when I've thought that I would have liked to have had children, but when I was younger I didn't want them and then the issue is finding a partner to have them with who's likely to stay around - as the longest relationship I've ever managed is four years, it seems I wouldn't have found that person.

Once I reached 50, I'd decided it was too late and now it would be too much of an impact on the lifestyle I've built for myself. I've never thought about needing to be looked after in old age, if it came to it, I'd be quite happy to go into a home (I have a vision of myself as an octogenarian lothario, like Basil in Waiting For God, if anyone remembers that?). However, my parents cared for my bedridden grandmother during her last years and I looked after my father for the last decade of his life, so if I had had children, there is a family tradition.

In short, I don't regret not having had children but in different circumstances, I might have liked to.

Moksha · #6 11th January 2019, 19:41

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I could have written that post word for word. I'm 42 now and always assumed that I'd end up having kids. I saw my grandparents during their final years, and it was horrific. Both suffered so, so much, trapped in a dark little bungalow crippled with physical and mental illness. If it hadn't been for my mother, I don't know what would have happened to them (the doctors were pretty callous and the carers were useless - and untrustworthy).

Whenever this subject comes up, people always say two things. First "oh, well, children don't always stand by their kids - many emigrate or abandon them altogether," which just isn't true in the majority of cases. Most children whose parents were good and loving will stand by them in old age. Yes, sometimes they bugger off to Australia, or whatever, but those are the exceptions rather than the rule. Second, "I'm going to kill myself when I reach that stage anyway." But there is a big difference between saying this and actually doing it.

Still, the future won't be like the present. I'll be 83 in 2060 (same age as my uncle is now, and he's in pretty good shape). By 2060, medicine will have moved on. According to the experts, we should have all sorts of miraculous new medicines to slow and even reverse ageing (Yuval Harari thinks this will be the great quest or project of the 21st-century). Of course, overpopulation, climate change and nuclear war may destroy our civilization before then, but in that case I'll be relieved not to have kids.

Toxic · #7 11th January 2019, 20:18

Our little family is currently going through the process of my gran dying (theres nothing that can be done, its just morphine to keep her comfortable till she passes any day now) She had 3 kids (one of which being my mum) They are all taking it in turns to be with her while shes laid there..shes doesn't have a clue as shes out of it pretty much 24/7 but I suppose its nice shes always got someone nearby even if shes unaware.

Freaks me out I've got this to deal with with my parents who are already closer to 70 than 60..I'm an only child so I've got no one to share the stress with.

I suppose at least I won't be putting any child through this! (if they hung around) as I have no interest in having them...the whole aging thing started freaking me out when I hit 30, I don't know what the hell I'll do when I hit 40!

I'm not bothered I don't/won't be having kids..but I am worried about being completely alone I think

Mr. Nobody · #8 11th January 2019, 22:03

There's always kids, tons of them, many looking for parents,
Have you thought about adoption, or is this more about your personal feelings?

There's also things like befriending, where you take someone in need under your wing,
A friend often recommended this to me, as I think with SA you can often feel a big paternal or maternal gap in your life if you've stayed single,..

I do know there is no shortage of young people needing, parents, mentors or friends to help them along in life,..
Could be worth looking into?

I was very close to my niece for a number of years, taking her out places every weekend and looking after her in the evening's sometimes, it was always like a breath of fresh air, and it helped us both tremendously,
I remember those times very fondly, and was surprised how much I had to give,
We can be guilty of writing ourselves off as people, but children can give you faith in yourself again, and can make you aware of strengths you never appreciated or knew you had

Franz of Franzylvania · #9 12th January 2019, 12:39

Growing old without children does scare me, but I don't regret not having them as thus far I've never wanted them. To know that and have them anyway as a kind of insurance, I don't think I could forgive myself for. I guess one thing for me to start doing is using that fear to research and plan as best as I can while still youngish and healthy. And I think as a culture with less and less people having kids we might need to start talking more about how we want to deal with this stuff, and potentially come up with different solutions.

^I really like those ideas. Even though I don't want to be a parent I still think making connections and mutual support between older and younger generations is really important. Though obviously SA makes that tough sometimes.

Sisyphus · #10 4th February 2019, 17:19

I don't regret not having kids. What I have is catching.

I do regret my parents having kids though.

Vienna · #11 4th February 2019, 19:11

Don't regret it for a second.
I couldn't think of anything worse in having them. They're vermin.

Dougella · #12 4th February 2019, 19:26

^ But that would make you vermin, you were a child once.

Vienna · #13 4th February 2019, 20:30

^ yes humans are vermin , you're point?

Dougella · #14 4th February 2019, 21:05

^ That's not a healthy way of thinking about other human beings. (I'm not saying you should have children or want children by the way, that's not the point.)

Vienna · #15 5th February 2019, 07:55

Just because somethings happened in the past (me being a kid) doesn't mean it should happen in the future (others having kids) . We had slavery years ago ,but we twigged on that , that wasn't morally right. Is having kids morally right, the way the planet/society is going? I don't think so anyway.
Is it right to have a kid when it could end up ******** or have endless health problems, I don't think so. It's most likely to have a average mundane life like most of us. It could end up the next Einstein ? The chances of that very slim.
I was a kid once , yes. But I didn't behave like some of the spoilt kids out there, many of them , who scream and are out of control in public. I was quiet, hardly made a fuss, kids like that I can tolerate. Seen and not heard.

Dougella · #16 5th February 2019, 20:19

^ No, I'm not saying anyone should have kids. I'm saying that just as it wouldn't have been ok for someone to call you vermin when you were a child it isn't ok to do that to kids that exist now either. They didn't ask to be born any more than we did! I expect you cried and fussed and ran around the same as every other child when you were a baby and a toddler, because that"s just what they do.

Gomen · #17 5th February 2019, 21:33

Im 21 and have thought about what it would be like to have a kid. But I've experienced bullying before and I've kinda grown cold on humanity.

If I had a little boy/girl I wouldn't want them around all the non raised trash a lot of these teens are today.

Consolida · #18 6th February 2019, 13:05

I feel like I'm in a minority in this thread but, having a child is by far one of the best things that has ever happened in my life and it's something I've never once regretted even in the early years when times were incredibly tough. I don't think it's selfish to have children if they are loved and nurtured, neither do I think it's in any way selfish if people choose not to have them. Each to their own.

Most people don't like other peoples unruly children - many a time a meal out has been totally ruined by someone's noisy child running around the restaurant - but I would blame such behaviour on the parents who are allowing this NOT on the child who knows no better. I've noticed that a lot of parents these days barely look up from their phones when they are out and don't seem to know or care what their kids are up to.
I always taught my child to be respectful of other people and made it clear that if they ever misbehaved in a shop or restaurant I would march them straight out and never take them back there again. Luckily I never needed to put my words into action.

I do think it's rather unfair for people to tar all children with the same brush. I mean, to me, that would be as ludicrous as saying that all Muslims are Terrorists!
We were all children once and todays children didn't ask to be here anymore than we did. Like it or not, someday in the future (whether we chose to have children of our own or not) these 'vermin' might be wiping the dribble from our chins and sitting us on the lavatory for which I imagine most of us will be very thankful for.

Dougella · #19 6th February 2019, 15:06

Oh dear

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...g-birth-to-him

"Did you consent to being born? Why one man is suing his parents for giving birth to him."

Vienna · #20 6th February 2019, 15:51

^yeah I heard that story, it's ridiculous

Dougella · #21 6th February 2019, 15:57

^ I don't think it's actually possible to give consent to being born! But he is an antinatalist which you might identify with as he believes people shouldn't have children.

T · #22 6th February 2019, 19:21

Not really i'm in my 40s now and never thought i'd want kids and i haven't only because i don't think i'd cope with kids ... i have my twin Neices and two Nephews that i adore so thats enough for me....

Moksha · #23 8th February 2019, 15:24

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dougella

"Did you consent to being born? Why one man is suing his parents for giving birth to him."

...still, I kind of sympathize. There are times when I feel angry with my parents for inflicting life on me. There have been odd moment of happiness, but in general I've found life horrible beyond words. I've never understood the pride people take in having children. To me it's nothing to be proud of. On the contrary, it's an incredibly selfish thing to do. People have kids to give their own lives meaning and purpose. You've created more suffering, that's all.

I'm proud not to have brought children into the world. They'll never experience fear, loneliness or bereavement. They'll never be bullied, nor will they spend years stuck in an office working with c***s. They'll never have to see someone they love die, or worry about money, or find out their partner's been cheating on them, or face up to being a talentless mediocrity, etc. And they'll never have to go through the tortures of old age, cancer and dementia. This world was made for hard, aggressive, shallow, insensitive extroverts, not anxious introverts, which is what my kids would almost certainly be.

Dougella · #24 8th February 2019, 15:32

^ Yeah me too. Although I'm an anxious introvert and I've found a lot of joy in life, particularly in the past few years, I wouldn't want to go through my childhood and teenage years again and if I had a child I'd be basically forcing them to do that. I don't think I could even stand to watch to be honest, even though I'd do everything I could to make things better for them.

Vienna · #25 8th February 2019, 17:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moksha

...still, I kind of sympathize. There are times when I feel angry with my parents for inflicting life on me. There have been odd moment of happiness, but in general I've found life horrible beyond words. I've never understood the pride people take in having children. To me it's nothing to be proud of. On the contrary, it's an incredibly selfish thing to do. People have kids to give their own lives meaning and purpose. You've created more suffering, that's all.

I'm proud not to have brought children into the world. They'll never experience fear, loneliness or bereavement. They'll never be bullied, nor will they spend years stuck in an office working with c***s. They'll never have to see someone they love die, or worry about money, or find out their partner's been cheating on them, or face up to being a talentless mediocrity, etc. And they'll never have to go through the tortures of old age, cancer and dementia. This world was made for hard, aggressive, shallow, insensitive extroverts, not anxious introverts, which is what my kids would almost certainly be.

Such a great post

Ronnie_Pickering · #26 8th February 2019, 20:17

There are moments, like I was quite amazed to see this little girl have such confidence and curiousity to see the happenings down the road, which was basically two haulers blocking the road.
But generally I'm too selfish to have kids, I like my undisturbed bedtimes, I like just earning enough money to cover myself- not having to earn enough money to cover another.

Austere_Lemur · #27 9th February 2019, 02:15

I knew when I was 10 that I didn't want kids. Don't get me wrong; I can be super compassionate towards others (kids, animals, what have you). I was just not built to be a parent. I'm not sorry about it. I just feel bad because my Mum is so desperate to have grandkids whereas my Dad is really chilled and is happy for me to do my own thing.

Consolida · #28 9th February 2019, 13:37

^ It's really great, Austere Lemur, that your Dad is happy for you to do your own thing and be the person you want to be. That's just as it should be. When someone has children they should never expect their children to someday provide them with grandchildren so your Mum will just have to deal with it. Really, a child's health and happiness is all that any parent should ever wish for.

Quote:

I'm proud not to have brought children into the world. They'll never experience fear, loneliness or bereavement. They'll never be bullied, nor will they spend years stuck in an office working with c***s. They'll never have to see someone they love die, or worry about money, or find out their partner's been cheating on them, or face up to being a talentless mediocrity, etc. And they'll never have to go through the tortures of old age, cancer and dementia.

This is all very true but neither will those children experience some of the many joys in Life either.

During some of my most miserable times (when I was experiencing a number of the above) I've wished that I had never been conceived (and my 'mother' who dumped me soon after birth must have thought the same)...But, (when my perspective on life isn't clouded by my Depression) I'm also very thankful that I've had the chance to experience many of the simple pleasures in Life. For example, a sunset on a Summers evening, a warm smile from a stranger, an embrace from a loved one, even something as utterly daft as eating a bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk!

While I totally respect an individuals reasons for not wanting children I don't believe that people who choose to have children are selfishly inflicting on to them a lifetime of relentless misery and pain either.

When we have been worn down by life's heartaches it's understandable that it would make us think twice about bringing a child into the world but the average human beings life isn't one of non stop misery and totally devoid of any happiness. Life is also about love, friendship, overcoming adversity and making the most of those happier moments when they appear.

I fear that all of this sounds preachy or patronising although that's certainly never my intention. I just wanted to balance out the negative with a little positivity and perhaps even to alleviate any niggling thoughts that I must be a terribly selfish and cruel person for wanting to have a child

Marco · #29 9th February 2019, 14:32

^That's a great reply to a strong argument from Moksha!

Dougella · #30 9th February 2019, 15:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by Austere_Lemur

I knew when I was 10 that I didn't want kids. Don't get me wrong; I can be super compassionate towards others (kids, animals, what have you). I was just not built to be a parent. I'm not sorry about it. I just feel bad because my Mum is so desperate to have grandkids whereas my Dad is really chilled and is happy for me to do my own thing.

That's how I feel too, I don't dislike children I just don't think that I would be suited to be a parent. My Mum would also really like grandchildren but that's not a good enough reason by a long shot for me to have any! My siblings I think will probably have children so that will have to do.