Missing out on 'typical' childhood stuff

[next_exit]

Im 20 years old, and I am constantly (for lack of a better word) 'haunted' by the realisation that I missed a hell of a lot when growing up. Up until the age of 16, in school i was in a group of friends that had been going since year 7. It was basically a small group of guys and a small group of girls. Youd assume that meant we were all really close etc etc, but the truth is most of them were idiots and never really bothered to do anything outside school with me (the guys that is).

This got especially noticeable at around 16. I had three main male friends; at weekends one of them would spend his days smoking weed and hanging around with chavvy people which I didnt take part in. Another friend played football and would hang around with his football friends, drinking in parks etc. Another lived in the town next to me and had his own cirlce of 'outside school friends'. Consequently I spent many weekends alone, desperately trying to arrange to do things with my friends but it rarely happened. Looking back I seriously didnt fit in with them, I was quiet and studious and they were all rather academically challenged and acted like fools, but wed been friends for so long I was just used to it. Luckily the group of 4 girls we were friends with were more my type of people and Id do stuff with them outside school.

Basically, although I had a group of friends going through school, I still missed out on so much. I feel so desperately sad when people talk of their youth, everyone seems to have a common pattern of events: they start going out, they have meaningless kisses and encounters with the opposite sex (or the same if thats the way they play), get drunk a lot and so silly things,form close friendships etc. I didnt do any of this, I know it shouldnt matter but even people on here (and my bf who had severe SA growing up) seemed to all have these typical things. One thing loads of people do is go on holiday with their friends, this was never an option for me..

I feel like such a loser and so sad that that part of my life passed without anything normal happenning to me

[Peab]

Hey Next Exit,
The thing is, if thats the sort of friends you had at 16, it doesn't seem to me that you missed out on all that much, - drinking and smoking weed in a park sounds pretty crappy to me...
You are still young and, given the right support or help by your GP/Therapist, you could easily have many a good night in the the pub, or whatever you want to do, with people who are more 'your sort', ahead of you.
It doesn't matter how old you are, it surely just matters how you feel.
Don't lose hope.
All the best!

[GoldFish]

Peab speaks the truth

to be honest with you this is very normal ....i was also in a group at high school although i spent alot of time at my best friends house just being silly and just being a kid, my group never really gathered that often outside of the school yard.

also it depends on your environment, for instance maybe it was just bad luck, meaning say you had have grown up at a different school perhaps your circumstances could have been completely different, different people, plus i now realise that there is a HUGE difference between private colleges and public colleges, for instance private schools seem to be an easier place to feel apart of, the teaching and the attitude of the teachers really seems to gel with the kids, and the environment seems to benefit the students because ive found public schools to be far more isolating and frightening to be apart of unless you just take charge and do everything yourself ......to be honest i wish i had have gone to a private school, but thats an excuse, i now realise that i had many other chums who i could have just asked them if they wanted to do something outside of school but i never did because i was shy and never made the first move.

i think that your glorifying it like everyday should have been this fantasy adventure where your skipping down a city block made of chocolate with 100 friends while humming your favourite song and being kissed by random girls ......

i have to say that just because you missed the odd holiday or road trip, you havnt missed anything, ive been on a few and ive realised that while they are enjoyable your still stuck with your own head only you have people around you to make things more complicated, all the while the holiday may have moments of fun ...dont let it get you down because its not worth it.

just say to yourself "ok i feel like ive missed out a little so from now on if the opportunity arises again ill give it a go even if it hurts" ...because pain is healthy ....say to yourself that its better to lose sleep over an awkward moment of being involved then it is to lose sleep over not being involved or complete emptiness, but it depends what your being involved in, if its kids that are just talking rubbish and smoking weed, i would have personally preffered staying in and reading, educating myself or watching movies.

[Olivier25]

i understand what u mean but like u already know, you gotta move on to something else.

heck, like you are "wasting time" feeling bad about your wasted past, you are wasting your present.
And later on you will waste your future about wasting time feeling bad about what u didnt do today, which will be the past by the time, in the future.

a bit confusing me think

[jp2005]

What you described next_exit is probably my main problem at the moment and I can't see any end to it. I'm 27 now but it feels like I had no adolescence and that's a massive hole in my life.

I've overcome SA to the point where I could probably get on with the stuff I'm meant to be doing at my age (e.g. buying a house, progressing my career, etc.) if I wanted to. Trouble is, I don't. I have no interest in any of that stuff. All I want now is to be a teenager

Also I think because of this I find it impossible to get on with people my age (and I have tried, been working in the same place for nearly 5 years and tried many times to fit in, still feel like an outsider). I have nothing in common with them, we have no shared experiences. It's like they're adults but I'm just pretending to be.

No suggestions, I'm afraid... wish I knew the answer.

[AlienHeat]

Mr Exit,

Dude, with the greatest respect and at the same time understanding exactly what you mean, you had a perfectly normal teenage. You didn't miss out on anything. You discovered a most crucial thing: that some people in life you get on with, and others you don't. You found out that people change -- that they'll come in to your circle, and they'll leave it, just as you will leave theirs. This is what it's about.

It's of great concern, though, that you appear to be glum about this. This sense of 'missing out' can do enormous damage to yourself, if you worry at it like an old wound.

Please trust me: there's no need to let yourself be caught up by these feelings.

Now hear me: there is nothing that you feel you missed out on, in terms of sophistication or worldliness, which cannot be learned and practiced to perfection* within 28 days. It's not common sense, though: it's the application of a conscious mind to a human soul. If you can put your clear intelligence and courage into it, you can be a completely different person by the turn of this year.

Go out. Take risks. Find like minds.

Get your heart broken a couple of times. Heal it and laugh like the Gods made you do it.

You = da man.

Best wishes & get in touch if you like,


AlienHeat

__________
*whatever the hell that is.

[Peyre]

to be honest, if you really think you missed out on getting drunk in parks and having foolish sexual relationships with girls, you haven't missed much

Society today forces a dream-like picture of HOW certain years of you lives should be lived 14-18 get horny, get drunk etc 20-28 get into a relationship, get married, get your own place etc. It doesn't mean you have to adhere to it, and it's no reason to beat yourself up

As mentioned above, you can still experience the so called joys of teenage life in a couple of weeks of adulthood.

Adolescence has been painful for me. I feel I have missed out on stuff, but much of it i have come to realise is over-rated. Sex? Relationships? Honestly I am old fashioned, and at that age, no-one is ready for relationships or intimacy, it usually ends in tears. I do wish I put my youthful enthusiasm into competitive sports for example, but that's about it, I might of missed out on lots, but during the same period I have a feeling that there are things that I personally learnt and experienced that some folk my age still haven't come across today