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#1
24th March 2014, 21:50
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I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
It's been a while since I was here, and the good news is I recovered from my mental health issues with the help of some great therapy. However, the social awkwardness is a bit of a hangover.
I'm fine now in situations like work and public speaking (although I was always alright with public speaking, really), but I find it really difficult around people I want to be friends with (i.e. out-of-work social situations). It's not a sense of anxiety, really, or at least I don't really feel anxious, it's just that my mind goes blank. I've realised (during therapy) that what I do is read the other person's expressions constantly and because I'm so eager to please I follow those expressions and try to say something they will approve of. I'm not doing it consciously, it's automatic. This either makes me not act like myself, or just stay completely quiet. I also have hearing difficulties and sometimes it's easier for me to just go off in a world on my own and not join in conversation, especially if I'm in a moving crowd (walking etc.) where it's difficult to watch people's lips. Again, that's habit. I've done that since I was a kid and I just don't even notice myself doing it anymore. I've cultivated a pretty vivid imagination through this habit, so I find I keep myself well amused without joining in! The upshot of this is that I feel like other people see me as a 'non-person' or just like a child. Everyone is nice to me - pretty much without exception - but I feel like they look down on me or just aren't interested because I'm really not offering any personality to the conversation. This really annoys me because when I'm in the one social situation I'm oddly comfortable with - dating! - men always comment on my personality, usually with 'I had no idea you were like this' or something, because they've never really seen me be myself. I feel like if I could be myself everything would be fine, so it isn't like I have low self-esteem. I really, really like who I am. I just wish I could actually be that person! Is anyone in the same boat? Any ideas on how to just break out of that pattern? 
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#2
24th March 2014, 22:21
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Re: I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
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I also grew up performing on stage quite frequently so it doesn't feel intimidating. It's probably the same with dating. Overall, I've had good experiences dating so I just assume everything will be fine! Quote:
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#3
25th March 2014, 00:46
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Re: I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
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#4
26th March 2014, 00:57
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Re: I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
Wow TH... how intriguing!
Sounds like you are perfectly confident in some social situations, but are showing signs of anxiety in one specific one. That situation is when you are trying to socialise with friends or people you would like to be friends with. Watching for the other person's verbal and non-verbal cues is normal, but you are watching them intently for fear that they disapprove of what you say. Your anxiety makes you a bit flustered and self-conscious, so your mind seems to go blank. Opting to stay quiet is a classic 'avoidance behaviour' that people resort to when they feel anxious. When you do open your mouth, you observe that you say only 'safe', conforming things. You feel like a child amongst adults... again symptomatic of social anxiety and feeling inadequate. So really you are displaying mild social anxiety or 'shyness'... and your fear seems to be that you are going to humiliate yourself by being uncommunicative, boring, bland and characterless. Surprisingly, this isn't a problem when you are in a dating situation with the opposite sex. But maybe you have developed well-practiced skills in this situation, with a repertoire of successful behaviours that you can draw on.. Also good, approving feedback from male dates has made you confident here. So really you need to work out how to overcome social anxiety in a 'chatting with peers' situation. How can you counter this fear of humiliation and letting yourself down? Well the 'punishment' that's keeping your anxiety going is firstly, the apprehension that you are going to screw-up. Secondly it's your perception that people look down on you and disapprove of your performance. The third factor that keeps the anxiety going is the reward you get by practicing an avoidance behaviour... keeping quiet. That reward takes the form of a feeling of relief that you aren't in the spotlight trying to speak. So to counter the apprehension, you need to work out some Positive Affirmations that you can quickly rehearse before you go into the social situation. I would be using stuff like 'I'm calm, confident and in control'; 'people will welcome my contribution and find what I say to be interesting'; 'I enjoy talking to people, it's rewarding'. If you feel self-conscious when you are talking, tell yourself that 'it's fine... relax'. I suggest you do something to increase your 'toolbox' of interesting things to say... things like the 'Today programme' on Radio 4 and the BBC News website are really good for amusing and interesting subjects (if that's appropriate to your social milieu). If you are a bit weak on humour, then study comedy shows etc. The more stuff you've got, the more confident you are going to feel.. and you can easily plug those 'pregnant pauses'. The other thing to keep in mind is that you are almost certainly over-reacting. You need to be slow to conclude that you've messed-up... it's easy to conclude that people were disapproving when in fact they weren't. People don't actually come across as shy as they think they do. Also, people love it when someone adds something... anything... to a conversation, because they want it to flow... and anything that's said gives them a stimulus for the next thing to say. So, what you say doesn't have to be smart, funny or interesting... just say anything! The key thing is to be warm and friendly to keep the atmosphere relaxed, so keep the eye contact and smiles going. Also, be careful that you don't expect too much from conversations. It might seem that everyone else has good ones, but in truth most conversations aren't huge successes. So don't expect to walk away from a conversation thinking that something has gone horribly wrong if you don't get wonderful warm feedback from the other party. Most people understand that some conversations are good and some are so-so. They definitely don't beat themselves up if it's the latter. You obviously don't have a major problem, because you are generally socially skilled and are a confident person. You just need to fine-tune your performance in this one area. It's practice that makes perfect... and to get the practice you need to be bold... take a risk and go for it!
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#5
27th March 2014, 00:28
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Re: I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
Hi there
Thanks for such an involved reply! In case it gives anyone else hope, yes I am generally fairly confident now, but I used to be confined to one room because I was scared I would see someone in the hallway (ten years ago now), so it is possible to change I did go out tonight and tried to start conversations. I didn't feel like I was really getting much back from people. I would start the conversation 'so what are you doing this weekend?' or something and they would answer in a few words 'nothing really', and I would try to share that experience 'oh yeah, it's definitely nice to have a break sometimes, I'm trying to find some time to just sit in a onesie and watch DVDs' or something, and then the conversation would just peter out. I kind of feel like I'm doing all the right things now, to be honest. I'm starting conversations with just 'how are you?' instead of trying to think of something interesting to say. I always smile and try to look at their eyes or mouth, but I just keep feeling like I'm being boring and I'm definitely not bonding with people yet. I wonder whether because I was awkward before people still have that conception of me and it's tough to break that. I think my overeliance on romantic relationships is hitting me now (they're just easier for me) because I left my boyfriend a couple of months ago and I'm pretty lonely. It's not that I don't see people, I see people socially about three times a week and I speak to people at work five times a week, but I just don't feel like I'm connecting with people. I guess you could say I see people but I don't really have close friends. I'm actually starting to wonder whether it's even really 'my fault'...I mean, I've got a really big thing coming up on Saturday, which people know about, but nobody asked about it. When I brought it up no one asked any questions or seemed interested so I shut up because I didn't want to look like I was boasting. Often it feels like my conversations with others are just one-sided...I speak to them about the things they like, then if I try to bring up something from my life no one shows any interest at all. I mean, I've been in a band for two years and I always make the effort to invite my friends to local gigs and I don't even get a reply. When I speak to people I know from music about writing comedy (the other thing I do), I get no interest at all. But when my friends talk about something they're into or something they're doing with their life, I'm really interested - not necessarily because I share their interests, but because I'm interested in them as people and I want to know about their lives...I'm starting to wonder whether years of approval seeking has landed me with very one-sided relationships where they expect to just talk about whatever they're interested in but they're not actually that interested me... Food for thought, anyway. Maybe it isn't completely that I'm shy anymore (although I still have some issues I am able to force myself to talk if I gear myself up and I think I do all the right things). Maybe it's also a bit that I'm around the wrong people. I've been thinking of making a totally fresh start next year and moving to London (where I know nobody and no one has any preconceptions of me). This might be a deciding factor. Sorry for long reply, but bit of an epiphany for me. PS: Sorry this is so long, I just want to rant a bit! I think this has also been brought up with me because I contacted an ex recently. We stopped contact five years ago after an argument (it wasn't a major argument, I just said that there were obviously underlying feelings that were stopping us from being friends so we decided not to be in contact). He was the only person that ever really seemed to give a flying shit about me. He was the only person that would tell me he was proud of me when I did well and would ask questions about my life etc. That was even when he was an ex (he broke up with me) rather than a boyfriend. In my mind, he was still the person that gave a shit about me, even though we hadn't been in contact. The fact he saw the message (Facebook is handily intrusive on this stuff now) - and it was a heartfelt message (not a cry for help, or a let's get back together, just a heartfelt message) - and didn't reply has crushed me a bit. It's not that I want to get back with him or anything, it's that in my head he was still 'the one that actually gives a shit about me', maybe because I still give a shit about him, and now I know that he doesn't give a shit either. So **** this, I'm moving across the country and I'm starting again. 
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#6
27th March 2014, 09:02
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Re: I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
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#7
27th March 2014, 11:07
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Re: I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
I can certainly identify with a lot of what you said in your first post about how you feel, I often get a lot of same feelings. It sounds like you're doing a lot to challenge and counter your social awkwardness.
One big barrier I've run into, though, and I suspect you could be up against the same, is that sometimes people just aren't up for conversations, or aren't particularly looking for new friends. It's nothing personal against you, they just have other things on their mind - even in social situations. I've just spent a lot of time working hard on making friends with a couple of people, and realistically, it's not going to happen. I don't particularly think it's because there's anything wrong with me (although my first knee-jerk response is to jump to that conclusion!) but I can only guess they want to keep it at acquaintance level because they have plenty of other things going on in their lives, or we're not as compatible as I'd like to think. It's been heartbreaking, but I've had to accept they won't blossom into the great mates I'd hoped. It really can be upsetting, but finding friends you have a real connection with doesn't happen all that often. I'm lucky in that I have a couple of good ones, but unlucky in that they live hundreds of miles away, so we talk by phone and only meet up once a year. It's no surprise that dating is a different matter for you - the people you meet 100% want to get to know you in that situation! I can only suggest you keep trying different interests and widening your social circle, that increases the chance of meeting people you'll form a close friendship with. Maybe try to enjoy the social experiences for what they are, rather than hope to make great friends and feel disappointed if it doesn't pay off every time? You're obviously a very good person to know if people are always nice to you, and you don't hesitate to initiate conversation.
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#8
27th March 2014, 13:17
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Re: I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
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The thing that comes across is that you are 'heavily invested' in the reactions of other people. You are looking for favourable, 'successful' social encounters because it reassures you that you are (in truth) an OK person. Boyfriends are good'uns if they care about and show an interest in you... in other words, value you and acknowledge your worth. Chatting socially has to deliver good 'I'm interested in you' reactions. If they don't then there's 'obviously' something for you to be concerned about... you're thinking 'well... maybe there's something wrong with me...people aren't reacting like I'm worth paying attention to'. What you're doing is what anyone who's a bit insecure about their self-worth does (... and that's an awful lot of us). You've said that you like yourself and generally do fine in social situations, so you can't have any 'issues' with self-worth. I don't really agree... The other thing is that you seem to think that other people have a sort of 'moral obligation' to be interested in you. ('What... I told everyone about my gig, but they didn't show the slightest bit of interest'). I have a suspicion that you have been brought up in a family where your relatives took a real interest in you and what you've been up to... and lavished you with lots of positive feedback when you wanted to talk about yourself. Now, in the real world, you find that other people aren't particularly attentive. So you're a bit perplexed... and hurt. I do think that what Morgana says is true. People are a bit self-absorbed... they've got plenty of things going on in their heads, and don't have a lot of space for others to off-load in. Also if they perceive that you are fishing for compliments or sympathy, they might be a bit cool... especially if you do it in a sort of intense 'please attend to me' way. Regarding the examples of conversations you've been trying out. This sort of conversation is 'small-talk'. It's sort-of polite, lightweight, non-commiting talk, normally used to be pleasant, or to plug an inappropriate silence. Yes, some people (with issues) will respond in a luke-warm way to small-talk. Most will welcome it as an attempt to be friendly. But small-talk isn't an easy route into fun chats, or entertaining and interesting conversations... because of it's 'politeness' and reference to 'safe' topics like the weather, etc. I dunno, watch other people and see how they get good conversations going. It might be more productive to make the conversation more personal and sensational... 'God!... men! This guy just stopped me in the street and said '....' ! But... good work TH... I'm totally impressed that you went for it and tried a few things out! Top woman! The possible move to London would be good for you, I think. I'm not sure what age you are, but I lived there through my mid twenties/early thirties and found the place to be very sociable in a positive, friendly way. Lots of guys are going to be knocking on your door, I reckon.
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#9
27th March 2014, 15:48
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Re: I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
I think you just hit the nail on the head with my life there, Lifebuoy! My family were big on over-praising (although critical if I didn't follow the path they wanted), and suddenly being at a senior school where I was called for being 'posh' and 'ugly' was one hell of a shock that's never really gone away.
I'm not sure if I completely agree with the 'fresh start' idea. A change of scenery and prospects might work, that's true, but just moving by itself won't necessarily change how you feel. I moved over a decade ago, in my 20s, and still don't know anyone where I live. The landscape is nicer and job prospects better, but that's all. If the move gives you a boost all round, then that's different
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#10
27th March 2014, 19:12
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Re: I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
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It's difficult to feel that I 'matter' to anyone unless I have something to show for myself, but I think I just need to try and take the chance that I do, if that makes sense. Instead of looking for proof that I do, or trying to believe that I do without proof (which feels like an empty positive affirmation), I think I need to accept that there is no telling whether I 'matter' to anyone or not, so it's just as irrational to assume I don't matter as it is difficult for me to believe that I do. I don't know if I explained that well, but that's what I find helps best. Quote:
As for my parents, unfortunately it was the other way around. Not so much nowadays, my mam has had therapy and is far more praise-oriented than she was, but my dad still either takes no interest or actively criticises (we only talk a couple of times a year now, so I don't have to deal with this too often). It was a bit of a weird situation in which I would be overpraised by my mam if I did very well (top in the class or something), but she would be extremely angry if I came second in class (in anything I did). Whereas my dad would worry that I would get above my station and actively criticise if I did well ('clever isn't anything you know, you haven't got the social skills to get anywhere, so don't expect that this is going to buy you any favours' etc.) So they were both kind of critical in kind of different ways. The expectation that people should take an interest (not necessarily praise, just actually show a little interest) has come since I had that boyfriend that treated me differently to how anyone had ever treated me before - more lovingly, I guess. My friends years ago, though not so much my friends now, were very closely mirrored on my parents so they tended to be more critical and challenging of me (particularly when I did well). It's unfair to put my current friends in the same category, though, as they are genuinely nice to me. Quote:
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Thanks to everybody for all your advice, it's very helpful. And sorry if I came off as a bit of a dick last night, I get upset easily after socialising!
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#11
27th March 2014, 20:05
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Re: I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
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#12
27th March 2014, 20:09
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Re: I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
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And indeed you can analyse all you like, but the important part is that I'm an adult now and I can choose whether or not I agree with the way I was brought up - I choose not to. My parents are human beings with emotional problems of their own and it was mostly those emotional problems that brought me up! It's not a reflection of reality - it's not 'who I am' - to some extent, we can all decide who we want to be. My upbringing doesn't need to be relevant to my life anymore, as I'm no longer a child
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#13
27th March 2014, 20:22
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Re: I like who I am, but I can't seem to be that person
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