Feeling Really Lonely

[Finlay]

I’m just going to come out and say it: I’m really lonely and it’s making me really sad. I’m not literally alone, as I do have my family in the house (although that will be changing soon. Will come back to that in a second), and I do have workmates I talk to, and I do have friends. But the problem is, when it comes down to it, I spend my evenings alone. I go to bed alone. I wake up alone. On my days off I just tend to drive about, alone. Go to a coffee shop alone. Walk about the shops alone. Walk round the park alone. It's all alone.

I know you may ask why I don’t just contact my friends and do something with them. Trouble is, I’ve been a shy, anxious people-pleaser all my life, so all my friends only really know the version of me that I put out there. None of them really know me. I’ve basically got these friendships off on the wrong foot way back in my 20s when I was even less socially developed than I am now, and now I don’t know how to open up at this late stage. I just don’t feel comfortable round any of them. I’m not uncomfortable, but I’m basically guarded and shy, and that’s the person they know. So “hanging out” is more of a stress on me than it should be.

I know one person who I feel really comfortable around. She knows me better than my friends who’ve known me for 20 years. But, at the end of the day, she has a long-term relationship and for all they are both nice to me and seem cool with me being a friend, at the end of the day I don’t like to impinge on their lives. So again, at the end of the night, the door closes again and I’m alone. I’ve also developed some unrequited feelings too, so yay, just what I wanted, another unrequited tugging of the heart strings to haunt me through the days. I don’t know why I just can’t be friends and keep it on that level. My stupid old heart goes “Hmmm, how about we dial this up a bit! Ooops, and now the friendship’s inauthentic from your side, oh well”.

I’ve always had this sadness and fear of being on the outside, alone, but at least in my 20s I had the thought that I was still young and had time ahead of me to salve the pain a bit. Plus being young, even with all my hang-ups and insecurities, there was a bubbling confidence that came with youth. But I’m in my early 40s now. Yeah, I’m not old-old, but I do feel very much more On The Shelf these days. As I mentioned earlier about living with my family, I’ve actually just recently started buying a flat for myself. This did give me a boost for a while there, but now the lonely thoughts have come back and I realise I’m now going to be even more isolated than before, living alone in this flat. I’m now just scared this flat is going to be my tomb (bit dramatic). I’m just going to move into it, and then that’s that. I’m packed away, out of sight, out of mind, just a middle aged man, living alone, no longer relevant or useful or interesting enough to need to contact or deal with. No judgement on these people, but I’m scared I’ll just be one of those baldy, middle-aged men, standing in the local boozer, just watching the TV and making idle chit chat before heading home to my lonely flat.

As I probably keep banging on about, for a few years there I actually did have a relationship and an attached friend group, so for a while I actually had it all. 37 years of nothing, then 3 years finally of a life and love, only to be dumped back in my original situation, but older and with less opportunities than before. I miss her too, which is adding to the loneliness. One of the reasons I bought this flat was in the vain hope that maybe me looking like I’ve got my act together a bit more might change her mind about me, but I’m coming round to thinking it’s probably the old closing the stable door after the horse has bolted situation.

So that’s my current situation: lonely, developing unrequited feelings for someone, missing my ex, about to move into a flat alone, feeling already put out to pasture in my 40s. Sorry, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I’ll be honest, I just want a partner. I don’t need loads of people. I just saw my friend with her partner the other night and I thought “I’d like that again”. Feeling wanted, like you matter to someone, someone you can be yourself to. I miss that, and I don't want any much more than that. I don't need big parties and gatherings. Just one person to be with who thinks about me each day.

[Finlay]

Just to add to it, I've felt lonely pretty much all my life, but it seems to be really cutting in now. In my younger years I'd distract myself with videogames or TV, but I can't even concentrate on that any more. I'll be sitting, trying to play a game, and all I can think of is "I haven't really got anybody". I think, in a way, before having a relationship, the loneliness was easier because I'd never known any different. But then having a taste of it, to have it taken away, means I can't go back to my old life. All the stuff I'd enjoy before to fill up my lonely time now seems insignificant.

Sorry to keep going on about it. I remember all the stuff on the news and papers during lockdown about how mental health due to isolation and loneliness would rise, and I remember feeling like at least I'd be okay because I was "used to" being lonely, as if I'd sort of mastered it like a skill. But it seems it really has hit me with a vengeance that I wasn't prepared for, as it's almost every day I have this empty, yearning sadness for real company that I can't seem to get, like I don't know how. I feel locked away, and then soon I'll be even more alone in this flat. Only person, as I said, was my new friend, but at the end of the day I can't latch onto her too much because...it's not her responsibility, and I don't want to dump that on her. She didn't buy a ticket for this, if that makes sense.

[biscuits]

Is there anything that you would like to try - a short course or an evening class? There's also meet up and Facebook has loads of local groups because you don't have to pay to set one up. Trying different things and meeting new people would be a great start. Anxiety makes it challenging and awkward, but having a focus other than the socialising can help as you have something to talk about. Maybe something like a cooking class, photography class, learning a new language, or an art class - depending on your interests. I recommend board game groups and some places have sessions where you just turn up and play with different people.

Do you feel like internet dating or a singles event are something that you'd be interested in?

[Finlay]

Thanks biscuits

I was thinking about classes. I just don't seem to be interested in anything these days, which is another problem. I've looked up on Meetup but nothing grabs me so far, but I think that's more a problem with my brain. I might just pick something for the sake of it, and go. Cooking class sounds useful!

I was considering internet dating, but I just feel sort of scunnered that I have to start from ground zero again, if you know what I mean? My girlfriend I met through work, and we got to slowly get to know each other for a few months that way, before we started dating. I seem to get to know people better that way, like a slow burn getting to know them in a non-dating capacity, until one day inside my head I'm like "Oh, actually I really like you!". Whereas out and out dating, meeting the person for the first time on the date, feels way more high stakes - everything is pinned on that date, there's no time to slowly get to know them. With that, I freeze up more, make snap judgements, panic etc etc. But I guess that's the nature of it, and it's not just me who goes through that. I think that's the problem now with my office closed, because you don't really get that casually-get-to-know-someone when it's not in a workplace, and instead over Skype or chats. I seem to be a serial work dater But it just seems so much easier, because you spend a long time getting to know someone due to the 5 days a week, 8 hours a day set up

But I need to get out there. I just feel so tired and lacking in energy. My self esteem is very low just now too. Bad body image - I look at myself and it's like my bad old body-dysmorphia days from my teen years where I couldn't even look in a mirror. Yet I still go to the gym and try to keep on top of it, but I then just look at myself and go "nah, fighting a losing battle here, mate". Sorry, it's all spilling out today. I think I'm a bit depressed if I'm honest. I've done nothing tonight after work except periodically checking my phone, hoping someone will message me, but being too scared to message anyone, mainly because the people I do want to message, I shouldn't (ex and this new person).

Sorry, I will be okay and I do appreciate what you've said I think I'm going to go book a class of some kind, just to get out of the house. Apologies, all the above was a bit of a stream of consciousness

[biscuits]

^ great advice Nanuq

It's great that you've met people through work, meeting people naturally like that is so much easier and less pressure - for sure!

[Finlay]

Thank you Nanuq Sorry to hear you are in a similar boat, and it gets to you too. You're so right about a life being made up of blocks, and of some of the blocks being missing. For a long while now it's really just been work, and my only real friendship being within that. So I'm a weird spot that, like most people, I don't actually love getting up to go to work each day, and technically I want it to end because work is work....but I also kind of don't want it to end because my only friendship and excitement comes from work. Once I log off, I'm really just on my own. I am actually at the point where I almost feel lost on my days off, as I don't know what to do. I just watch the time tick by.

But good advice on trying to mentally frame it as not ground zero, and instead try to build from what I've got. I do have a family I get on with. For all that I have anxiety, SA and prone to seeing the negative (at least internally - I'm alright at projecting a sunny facade), I am better than I was 10-20 years ago. I do have slightly more developed social skills than I did. Plus, I have finally had relationship experience. Yeah, I probably did really badly at it as a first go, and sometimes the thought of what I had and lost really aches at time, but at least I can learn some lessons from it.

I hope you're okay yourself, Nanuq. I wish I could give you some advice as I feel all I do on this site is take, and never give back. But at the same time, I don't want to draw information out of people if they don't want to - just feel free to speak about your own situation here, if you want, but no stress if you don't want to

And yeah biscuits, it's the one thing I can say from my most recent job (at least until it became exclusively homeworking) is that it's gave me the opportunity to meet some people that have properly meant something to me in my life, even if one of them ended up with a bittersweet ending.

I did edit my posts a little to take out some details, as I worry that somehow my friend will end up here, read what I wrote, work out it's me, and then the friendship is ruined. As much as I'm a bit lovesick, I'm willing to suck it up and bury the feelings in order to keep a decent friendship going. I'd be gutted if I lost that.

Thank you both