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#1
23rd December 2018, 18:53
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Trapped in my own head
As an introvert I spend a ridiculous amount of time inside my own head, ruminating and self analysing along with daydreaming and living my 'other' better life. My inner life has always been more attractive than the real world and 'safer' because let's face it when you are socially awkward interacting with real people is scary.
I wish I wasn't lonely though, but I am. I am nearly 50 now and over the years I have tried forging new friendships and to stay positive but even saying to myself 'this time will be different' to date I fall back into my same pattern of behaviour; self doubt, sadness and feeling a lack of self worth in social situations so inevitably I put people off and probably make them feel uncomfortable because I am quiet. I don't think I am a bad person. I'm interested in the world, learning new things and helping people where I can. But I feel that perhaps what's going on in my head is lost in translation and most people never get to see the real me as I cannot outwardly project. Sometimes I think other people are not interested in trying to get to know me, though I know there are times I don't make that easy! I am a complex conundrum and wonder if I will ever get the hang of being a social human. My introvert self enjoys alone time but I also crave meaningful social connection that good friendships bring. 
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#3
24th December 2018, 10:16
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Re: Trapped in my own head
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there are other ways to express yourself, other than social engagement, either through art or music, dance, writing... and so on, it's not quite the same, but it can help. maybe try looking into different ways of expressing yourself and release that "trapped" feeling of not relating to people socially. I see you are in Glasgow,. there have been a few meets there, maybe pop along to one sometime?
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#4
24th December 2018, 11:18
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Re: Trapped in my own head
Hi Lunar, I felt this way for so many years, albeit without the lack of self worth, so can relate completely. I never really understood the nuances of social interaction, why other people seemed to get on so easily whilst I would be making great efforts to make connections, only to face constant rejection; after all (and here's where the lack of lack of self worth comes in), I knew that I was a wonderful human being, so why couldn't everyone else see that?
You mention your "inner life" (I have one of those, it's a wonderful place, isn't it?); I wonder how much this intrudes when you're in social situations? Do you find yourself thinking about things which aren't relevant to what's happening around you? If so, you may be projecting that outwardly (I don't mean what you're thinking about, but the fact that you're not actively participating in the conversation, or whatever else might be happening). I had to learn about social interaction, almost as if I took classes in it, but was lucky enough to have someone in my life at the time who was able to teach me. What I have learned is that social interaction isn't so much about what you say - it's unlikely that you're being quiet is an issue in itself - but the nonverbal communication. In my case, a big part of the problem was my autism, in that my body language, facial expressions and voice tone were not expressing what I wanted them to, but for others (like yourself) it may be disappearing into your inner world, whilst for others, it may be the anxieties in their heads distracting them from being there; whatever it is, that's likely to be where the issue lies. Social interaction is a skill (a bloody difficult one for many of us) which needs to be practiced - and with practice, it will improve, become easier and more natural. Most people are more likely to become interested in you if you show an interest in them; this is where the non-verbal communication comes in! If someone else is speaking and you are looking spaced out, bored, or (as I used to do) fixing your gaze on a random point in the room, they will think that you're not interested in what they're saying. They're looking for (occasional, staring isn't good!) eye contact, smiles, nods, open gestures, all those things which tell them that you're engaged. This is the stuff I had to "learn" and it's one thing knowing all this, but it's much more difficult actually remembering to do it when you're in a situation where it's required. The good news is that, eventually, it becomes less conscious and more subconscious. Change made an excellent suggestion in his post, about using a skill, interest or sport as a way of making social connections, so that the main focus isn't on the interaction itself; when I first joined meetup, the only events I would attend were walks, so I was focussing more on the walking and the countryside (on my first walk, I didn't talk to anyone for an hour, then someone started speaking to me, which sent me into panic mode at the time - but it was a short conversation and then the next time I had to engage, it wasn't such an ordeal), then I moved onto pub quizzes and the like, until eventually I was able to do attend things such as drinks or meals, where the social aspect is the main focus. Having an activity-centred setting, whatever that activity might be (learning, sport, pottery class or other art-based activity, chess club, perhaps an escape room even) can take the pressure off and help you focus on something other than that inner world which is so inviting and comforting. You say that people don't see the real you, but the real you is a quiet, introverted soul and you don't need to be more outgoing just because you think that's expected (although, if my experience is any guide, you will become more outgoing at times - after which you will probably need to disappear home and take three days to recover!), all you have to do is let others see that you are interested in them and the rest will follow. By the way, you mention being nearly 50: my social life started a couple of months before my 54th birthday, so it is possible to make those changes later in life. I hope that helps?
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#5
24th December 2018, 13:06
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Re: Trapped in my own head
Thank you all for your kind replies - it's much appreciated and the advice and suggestions make total sense. I think one of my problems is my need for that deeper connection with others without having to go through the awkward 'getting to know you' phase along with things introverts find tedious - i.e. smalltalk, group gatherings (total hell for me) and the down-time requirement to mentally recharge. That coupled with low self esteem, general anxiety issues, poor body image etc etc holds me back.
I am not completely alone, I have a partner (he also is an introvert but sees things very differently to me) and so why do I still feel this way? I have a sister who I rarely see (she is 400 miles away and we were never close) and my parents are both gone so I have no real family safety net. I have had friendships in the past but people seem to drift away once I start to let my guard down and it's hard not to become paranoid about the reasons for that. I think perhaps I may come across as a bit inconsistent...yes, I want your friendship but hey wait a minute...I need time to myself now. I guess it makes it hard for folks to know what to make of me. And yes, GI I definitely think I could work on the eye contact and facial expression but it's exhausting when dead pan is just how your face is, ha ha! Vasco Da Gama - you are so right about expressing feelings in other ways and writing has always been my outlet (still to finish that novel but working on it). And GlasgowFilmTheatreFan will let you know if it ever gets published! I have a lot to be thankful for and I am, but there is always that feeling of being set apart from society as if looking in through a window on what my life could be like if only I knew how.
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#6
25th December 2018, 17:07
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Re: Trapped in my own head
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 I can do the real conversation thing fine - it's a subject matter I'm interested in, I'm finding the person interesting and getting on well with them, etc. Sadly, the vast majority of the time this is not what's required; it's meaningless smalltalk about the minutiae of people's lives and bluntly I find most people very boring. Thus smalltalk is extremely tedious and almost physically painful to have to maintain. It's almost like a drone of words without any real meaning. Naturally, sitting there quietly when there's nothing interesting coming to mind seems much more straightforward to my rational mind, and not at all rude. In this regard I think I'm in stark opposite to most people, especially my mum, who can just go on and on forever saying nothing of interest... and enjoying it! Probably something to do with me scoring 90% introverted on Myers-Briggs and her 90% extroverted. I don't know what the heck to do about it really, because as you'll know we introverts have the same need for some deep relationships but much less ability to achieve it.
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