Do you alienate people in real life and online ?

[Mr Ploppy]

I'm finding this more and more.

[Sea]

Yup

[nabutty]

I have a permanent closed signed around my neck!

[disdain]

I try extremely hard not to but it's like a daily fight isn't it?

[BusterBluth]

Yup, I certainly do - Not so much online because I can pretend to a certain degree to be more like the person I want to be than the person I actually am...

Not on here, I've been as honest as possible here and it's felt truly liberating I feel confident in doing so because you guys understand SA and I see us all as equal here, we all want to kick SA's arse afterall.

I alienate people in daily life just by not being able to relate to them and not opening myself up to anyone, not even a little bit.

I'm scared to do so which is probably because I'm quite judgemental (trying not to be!) and I assume everyone else is just as bad or worse in that regard. I've been the laughing stock in the past at school and I didn't much like it... Don't want that to happen again and because SA is so unknown I feel this is somewhat inevitable.

[StarHaze]

Yeah I do this all the time and its so frustrating! Just today I bumped into two guys I used to work with, and to be fair they are decent people, they were really nice to me when I first started.

I've not seen them for three years, and I could tell they were genuinely interested to see me again. I said hello, how have you been etc, then after a while my mind just went blank and I ended the conversation too early.

I feel so guilty

[Rubik]

Everyone I know, I wish I was joking

[Lord Lucan]

I do this all the time. Think I tend to assume that people won't like me and this affects the way I behave towards them.

[Phool]

Originally Posted by BusterBluth

Yup, I certainly do ...
I alienate people in daily life just by not being able to relate to them.

This. I find it difficult to relate to other people, except on here. Especially at work, I feel like I often see things differently to everyone else and when I say so it just alienates me from everyone else. And I genuinely find it hard to relate to their point of view. I'm not sure why that is.

[Drimma]

I actively try not 2 ..
pursuin conversations and the likes

but inevitably and invariably it results in a drifting avoidance
n i'm left shtump on wat i did wrong
-
mayb it's my tact' (i intend on changin it - tho in itself it is a change from when i usta do nothin or having an unconscious approach)

But i don't blame others - hence plannin 2 change - cause i'm the common denominator in it all

[Only_human]

Alienating people is what I do best. I can find connexions, people to be potentially friends with but some how I always end up finding a way to start isolating myself/alienating myself again. It's never because I don't like them or want them in my life, or want to be friends, it's just a solid defense mechanism I think i've build for myself. Afterall you're less likely to be rejected/feel hurt if you keep people at a certain arms length.

And I think i've just got so used to being on my own for years that when I do make friends, I sort of (and this sounds bad) but forget that they might actually want to socialise with me, talk to me etc and so neglect them by going off into my own little world, switching my phone off, not appearing on msn, deactivated my fb etc every now and then for a few days or even weeks. I remember with the last guy I was seeing (we met online), he actually questioned if it was me typing the second time I spoke to him lol because he said I was really offish with him, unattentive and cold compared to the day before i'd spoken to him. This is quite typical of me.

I want friends. I find connections. I attempt or even establish a form of friendship and then I pull the plug on it almost, resorting back to the old me. I'll put in a lot of effort getting to know them, getting them to open up to me, in some cases more then i'd ever expect, and then I panic because they actually seem to want to be my friend, like me and want to socialise with me. And that's just something that i've put on the back bench for so long the thought of it becomes quite scary and draining, regardless of how much I actually like the person. I'm exactly the same in relationships. I'm more consistent in person then talking online I think (or rather i've been told) but still it can be quite hard for people to arrange regular meets with me which naturally is how you maintain solid friendships but I just can't help struggling and isolating myself with what I like to call 'breathers'. As I say it never has any personal reflection on the person it's just alienating myself is what I do best.

[Only_human]

Originally Posted by Shanti

^

Yes, this is me. Especially the cut off phone calls etc, 'till they leave. And then I'm like 'see, knew they'd leave, they never cared'....but really, I realize, I push them away. And I always know this all along, it's like a plan, like a friendship goes hi, make friends, accuse they don't actually care about me, then suddenly switch phone off etc., then they leave, then it's like I win in a way 'cos I was right, 'cos I was like 'you will leave me, I am s**t, trust me', - and then they do. I dunno, maybe I'm borderline

Yes I'm exactly the same, I'm always disappointed and saddened when they do give up on me but at the same time I can't blame them and it's my own fault.

Originally Posted by surelynot

I know exactly what you mean. I'm the same.

I also convince myself sometimes that I don't like someone or that they're boring so I can abandon the friendship attempt. Yet I'm told I'm funny and interesting when I do engage with people. I can't wven tell these days if I really have grown bored of someone or I'm self-sabotaging again.

Yes i've done this too. I try to convince myself that my isolating myself or avoiding them is justified or valid for various reasons to make myself feel better for yet again alienating yet another potential friend. I often sometimes can't determine whether me not making effort after a while to speak to someone/meet them is through boredom or whether its me self-sabotaging myself again so that I don't have to chance, I don't have to deal with the nerves of meeting up with them, and I don't have to face whether they might be judging me etc.

I don't think I get bored of socialising or befriending people but it's the fact it's quite draining as we're not used to doing it or relying on others for consistent emotional support and having other's desire our company. It's like i've spent so many years being a reclusive loner that yes while I do have the skills to socialise and make friends, I can't be bothered or i'm too afraid to change, move forward or fear I can't cope if I do, especially if they was then to actually turn their back on me. Better to do it first, even if that means we're hurting ourself by living the rest of our lives alone. However, as arrogant as it sounds, i'm pretty content with my own company most of the time, you get used to it, it's just the pressure to conform when family, outsiders etc make you feel like a freak for not wanting heaps of friends and to socialise constantly. But I would like a couple of close friends or even just one really close friend that I could just be myself with, not feel pressure to be this happy go lucky girl constantly and not push them away for once!

Do you find you have the same thought processes as you mentioned above with online friends or mainly just people in person? Do you notice people pick up on the vibe that you're pushing them away or trying to change your perceptions of them so you can justify pushing them away?

I also find it difficult to accept people genuinely like me, find me interesting on occasion too. I think it relates to our past experiences, subconscious insecurities and perceptions of ourselves. We reject people for fear of them rejecting us for whatever reason, probably relating back to previous experiences. For what it's worth, you're posts always seem very intelligent and you come across as a very interesting and complex (in a good way) young woman. I must admit sometimes your intelligence and knowledge goes right over my head though .

Originally Posted by Shanti

I guess we're all incredibly arogant. Or incredibly self-pitying. Either way, we're self loathing. And that is a fact . There is no excuse for rejecting people for reasons only known to ourselves .

Yes you're right it is quite arrogant and self-centred of us but then again when you've had to rely on yourself and your own needs for most of your life, through not having a social life/friends then I guess our attitudes are to be expected and it takes a lot of time and inner strength to change one's behaviours and coping mechanisms. I never intentionally start off thinking i'm going to push people away as I genuinely want friends but I think it's just my own defense mechanism that won't back down or perhaps rather i'm not ready to let go of yet. However, yes rejecting others for our own primary motives is not fair, I agree. We should come with warning codes on our foreheads.

[Prettyinpink86]

I totally get what you all mean on facebook I don't even like everybody on my friends list reading my statuses because there's certain people I don't want commenting on them. Same with the chat I cut myself off because most of the people that want to talk to me are hard work and think insults are funny and harmless. I barely talk to people in real life but I do ignore people and pretend I haven't seen them to save myself the discomfort.

[ßazza]

Says the guy that reaches out and plucks someone else out for a coffee from practically a group of strangers. Plucks, meaning basically reaching out a friendship - Thats what I rather think anyway. Just because of the noise.. you still didnt have to bother doing that.

You cant be that closed a person.

Self pitying maybe.. ..but that can be changed to an extent by your own choice. Its just tough because life has been tough to you. I relate to that.

Myself for example am a very self pitying, negative, depressed, suicidal person, yet I dont make it obvious. Moan alot maybe..but thats different lol. Infact I dont even feel it or talk to myself about it that much. I just choose to be something different than that and my life improved due to it. I can honestly say I kinda happier for it. Not lying to myself.. Just.. Want something better and made it happen. My life did get better for it. One step at a time anyway.. More steps forward than back at any rate over a long period of time.

No benefit in saying your a closed person when your actions have spoken otherwise. Reckon just had shit people half life that made it easier to pretend you are. Pretty much what I would relate to anyway. Pure guessing but if you had any life like mine, and I imagine you have.. worse even.. due to aspergers etc, its easy pretend behind negative ideas about yourself. Even believe in it. Just cos bunch wankers most life told you otherwise.

[Detox]

I do all the time.

[Mr Ploppy]

Originally Posted by Cynic

I don't think it is possible to be self-pitying and self-loathing at the same time, is it?

It is. I do it all the time.

[sjsuk]

I do.
But I try hard not to.
It isnt easy! as I'm sure you know...

[jayell_safc]

Yes. All the time.

[Dandelion10]

Thankyou for giving me the word alienate, I could never easily sum up the gradual shut-down process which happens with my every interaction with others.

Sometimes I'm genuinely at a loss to keep up the day-to-day social etiquette of friendships or more likely aquaintences in my life other times I keep them up fairly well but it feels like a chore and after mutual awkwardness I just don't bother and even avoid people as a result.

[Terence]

Whoo hoo you know I do - Heid la Ho !

They alienate me too so it's two's up and how's your father !