Hello..:)

[chaiki]

Hello i'm kinda new here so bear with me if this post is in the wrong place.

I been dealing with mental health issues for the last 10ish years. It began with finding my best friend whom had sui'd in our home, I never that, that would be a trigger for me. I was abused as a child (violently not sexually), but it was still bad .

10 years ago when I found my friend, he had sui'd in our home. He told me he was going to do it in 1999, I said hold that thought, got him moved in with me. A nice pad, then he still did it in 2002.

OK.....TRIGGER WARNING. DO NOT READ ON IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH.

What he had done was.....he waited till he thought the house was empty, then he opened his aterial vein on his arm and bleed himself over hot water. I was upstairs at the time. I found him about 40ish min's after he had done this. It was horrible, he was still alive when I found him. I panicked and phoned for an ambulance and waited by his side holding his hand, the ambulance/emergency services were telling me to do mouth to mouth techniques but I was not trained in this. Anyhow I told them he had stopped bleeding, and only a blood transfusion would do.
It took about 20ish min's for the ambulance to arrive, he died in about 15. What I witnessed that day changed my life forever. All I could do was just hold his hand till he died.

Since then there has been alot of sui's in my life, too many to be honest.

Since then I downward fell in to a pit inside my mind. I started to reflect on my own life and what has been going on in childhood. It was like a window had opened, memories that I had shut out came flooding back.

My mother died of cervical cancer not long after I was born (she was diagnosed with soon after my birth). In the year she died my mother, grandfather and half sister died. All in one year, I can see now why dad became the monster he was (it does not excuse his behaviour though).
From mom dying life was hell, it was just like living with an alcoholic monster. He had to come back home from abroad from work to look after the children, he married soon after and I had step family. I loved my step mother but I think his getting re-married was bad for me.
My step mother died in the 90's, now my father has died.

My own mental health issues are Depression (very up, very down), self harming, borderline personality issues and grief and loss issues.

Now I dont quite know where I am. I got in to substance abuse (heroin), only for a short while though '2 years' (clean now), my doc prescribes me plenty of benzodiazipams to keep me level.

Oh and to top it all, my ex of 10 years ran off with another guy and 70 thousand pounds of our money, I could had taken her to court but I will not sell my soul for £, but f**k her she can have the cash. It does leave me in a bad situation though.

I hope anyone can help with any words of wisdom.

Thanks
Chaiki.