Are you too nice?

diplodocus · #1 16th August 2013, 22:14

So it doesn't always make sense, you act nice, you are nice, but still you don't seem to be treated as well or liked as much as others who lets face it just aren't as nice as you. So, what's going on? Well this study may shed some light on the phenomenon. It seems it is possible to be too nice, and no don't worry! You don't have to act like a biatch/b'stard to be respected or liked

Quote:

You're Too Nice!

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Jesus. Don't talk too deep, don't stand close to anybody, don't squint your eyes, don't cover your genitals -- what can you do? Are people really influenced by all this trivial crap? Whatever happened to just being a nice person and letting people like you for that?
That's still an option! The worst option.

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"Let me help you up out of there, you dumb whore."

To study the nature of "niceness" and likeability, researchers had participants play a computer game with five other players, who, unbeknownst to them, were actually computers with pre-programmed personalities. Three of the four were average players -- not too nice, not too mean -- and they played the game fairly. The fourth player, however, would vary between either excessively selfish or exaggerated selflessness -- either flipping the proverbial board after every game, or throwing themselves on the carpet so the player didn't get their shoes dirty when they went to use the bathroom.
Afterward, scientists asked the participants how much they'd like to play with those "people" again. The experiment was actually meant to study how we punish cheaters -- the good guy was only put in there as a control -- but researchers found that people were actually just as unwilling to play with the nice guy as with the jerk, because they believed that the player had ulterior motives, or that their crazy, unrealistic goodness made the participant look bad by comparison.

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"Whoa, you think you're better than me now?"

That's not to say that being a good person is a bad move or anything: You just can't be so good that other people feel bad about themselves for being around you. People only dislike the nice guy if they think he's "raising the bar" for everybody else via his impeccable, shining visage. It's better to be perceived as an average person, with your own set of relatable human faults. But if you're still dead set on being so blasted "generous" and "giving," at least remember to mix it up: For every four good deeds, reach up and just smack somebody in the mouth.
That's the secret to popularity.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_20197...#ixzz2cAWSeNn8

PussyRiot · #2 16th August 2013, 22:17

This is great. I have decided that all my life I have been far too nice and people don't like it, they don't trust it, it is not normal. I read an article in the Guardian once called 'Get in touch with your inner bitch!' - it was well worth a read. We are not meant to be perfect. I find that over niceness comes over as quite false and insincere. People who are overly nice, I always think, probably secretly inside think all sorts of nasty thoughts about you.

black_mamba · #3 16th August 2013, 22:22

I can't really think of anyone I've ever met that I thought was too nice. Some were doormats, sure, but that's different right?

Maybe it's a subconscious thing I've never been aware of. I like nice people.

David K · #4 16th August 2013, 22:31

I've never thought anyone was too nice either. Maybe people who aren't very nice resent people who are nice. I don't give a fuck, in that case. I'll keep being nice and enjoy the view from the moral high ground.

endo_endo · #5 16th August 2013, 22:39

i don't think I'm that nice. I tend to treat people as i hope to be but if you piss me off irl you'll damn well find out how nasty i can be, on here though for the most part i don't post if i don't have something nice to say because this place is a self help site and it's not a place to attack other users

Alex652 · #6 16th August 2013, 22:58

No I don't think i'm too nice. I just try to treat people how I'd like to be treated.

I'd say i'm a nice enough person, and occasionally I feel it gets me nowhere. I'm not going to try and be less nice though, that just sounds ridiculous.

Flowerbomb · #7 16th August 2013, 23:05

Definitely not although I can get judged that I am, cross the line with me after me rising above it time after time, the viper in me appears just like that. In my last work situ one girl ran to the manager after giving me shit, it wasnt my imagination either, my friend said to her in front of me you are messing with the wrong person, two of my work friends told the manager about her,I'm the bad guy as they run to the manager scared

. She had to apologise as per the managers instructions but still tried causing shit by calling me to the manager. Its a good job I dont fight as i could of easily kicked the s**t out of her without a shadow of a doubt & got sacked. She would having been rolling around like a pig in s**t if id have got the sack.

Ive not read any of the article as I dont want to.

MLP James · #8 16th August 2013, 23:10

How can you possibly be too nice? Does being nice to people at some point become offensive in some way? Either way, I don't see any reason why I would want to be something other than nice.

black_mamba · #9 16th August 2013, 23:13

F*cking hell yes! That is so true! Actually I'm pretty sure we are specifically trained against this sort of behaviour in my work (or we had a staff discussion about it recently anyway, so it is definitely a "thing"). Naughty kids are excessively praised when they commit a rare good act, and good kids are excessively punished when they commit a rare bad act. I see it all the time and it makes me really angry. I'm sure I'm guilty of it too though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MLP James

How can you possibly be too nice? Does being nice to people at some point become offensive in some way? Either way, I don't see any reason why I would want to be something other than nice.

Same. I don't get it.

David K · #10 16th August 2013, 23:14

Quote:

Originally Posted by MLP James

How can you possibly be too nice? Does being nice to people at some point become offensive in some way? Either way, I don't see any reason why I would want to be something other than nice.

The point of the study seems to be that people don't like to be reminded of their own shortcomings. Well, too bad. It actually sounds quite handy, you can be nice and still repel arseholes.

DarenA37 · #11 16th August 2013, 23:24

It not about being too nice, but being too nice to the wrong people that end up using you all the time..

You do need to being able to say No!! if you feel that they are just using you all the time and not doing anything to say Thank you!..

PussyRiot · #12 16th August 2013, 23:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarenA37

It not about being too nice, but being too nice to the wrong people that end up using you all the time..

You do need to being able to say No!! if you feel that they are just using you all the time and not doing anything to say Thank you!..

Brilliant answer!

diplodocus · #13 17th August 2013, 00:07

Well this went down rather well, like a lead balloon

I think the take home message of this study was people like people who are fair, they don't expect or even want niceness all the time, in fact it can be seen with suspicion or make them feel bad about themselves. Obviously not many people here would be suspicious of someone who was uber nice because you are all extremely nice people. But you make me feel bad about myself because I'm not that nice so I don't like you

That wasn't what the study showed. It said that those who acted fairly, being neither too bastardly or too nice were the most well liked. So a nice middle of the road.

diplodocus · #14 17th August 2013, 00:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by David K

The point of the study seems to be that people don't like to be reminded of their own shortcomings. Well, too bad. It actually sounds quite handy, you can be nice and still repel arseholes.

What if the arseholes (as you might define it) happen to be the majority of people that inhabit this planet?

Caribou · #15 17th August 2013, 00:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by diplodocus

But you make me feel bad about myself because I'm not that nice so I don't like you

You sent me some keto sticks free of charge. That was quite nice.

See, you are nice afterall

David K · #16 17th August 2013, 00:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by diplodocus

What if the arseholes (as you might define it) happen to be the majority of people that inhabit this planet?

Then you have a rather small group of friends who are all brilliant.

diplodocus · #17 17th August 2013, 00:51

^ aww what a lovely idealistic world that would be, meanwhile back on planet earth...

David K · #18 17th August 2013, 01:04

Quote:

Originally Posted by diplodocus

^ aww what a lovely idealistic world that would be, meanwhile back on planet earth...

All my friends are brilliant. I can count them on one hand, but I'm OK with that.

David K · #19 17th August 2013, 01:06

But not too nice?

PussyRiot · #20 17th August 2013, 01:11

I think I equate overly nice with flattery - when I am nervous with new people I try to flatter them. This embarrasses my husband so much cos he says it sounds like I am taking the piss. I think fairness is definitely better than niceness. If somebody had to describe me and all they could think of was 'she is very nice' I would be very disappointed. I would rather be described as 'sincere' 'direct' 'truthful' 'honest' 'compassionate' than 'nice.' 'Nice' just sounds really bland.

David K · #21 17th August 2013, 01:15

Righto, setting niceness to 7.

David K · #22 17th August 2013, 01:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by smellycat

If somebody had to describe me and all they could think of was 'she is very nice' I would be very disappointed. I would rather be described as 'sincere' 'direct' 'truthful' 'honest' 'compassionate' than 'nice.' 'Nice' just sounds really bland.

True enough. Being nice is no substitute for having a personality.

PussyRiot · #23 17th August 2013, 01:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by David K

True enough. Being nice is no substitute for having a personality.

In a conversation, when people say 'she/he is very nice though' it usually follows negative comments about the person.

GoldFish · #24 17th August 2013, 05:55

yep! too nice, too placid. can't see myself becoming a manager or an authority type. think i'd be a decent father though.

diplodocus · #25 17th August 2013, 07:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by David K

All my friends are brilliant. I can count them on one hand, but I'm OK with that.

Of coure it's nice to have good friends, although apparently niceness is something that we value most in terms of people who are nice to us (doesn't necessarily mean they treat others so well). It's your definition of what constitutes an 'arsehole' that I don't agree with, the study was talking about people who weren't overly selfless which they used to define nice. They were a mix of nice and not too mean, more towards the median. Do you really have a bunch of friends who are completely selfless? To everyone? Even to arseholes?

Serephina · #26 17th August 2013, 07:48

Yes I am too nice,I am starting to see it as one of my flaws now and need to make more of an effort not to be so nice (which will probably never happen) however I was raised to be polite and respectful to people so its part of who I am. It's just when someone takes advantage of that niceness that I do wonder why I bother.

diplodocus · #27 17th August 2013, 09:51

^ I did expect a lot of hard reactions to this. But it really seems like people aren't actually reading the study. No one is suggesting acting like an arsehole, far from it. It was to help some people see that just being nice isn't necessarily going to mean people will like you, in fact if you are really nice (selfless) then it might actually make people dislike you.

If you are genuinely a nice person who doesn't give two hoots whether or not they are liked then this won't affect you one bit, if (and real honesty is needed) you are actually being nicer than you really are in order to be more well liked then it could well back fire.

I'll say again the intent was not to turn anyone into an arsehole or suggest anything remotely like that so I'm somewhat saddened to see so many who leapt to that conclusion despite the study not indicating that at all. I guess people will see what they choose to see.

David K · #28 17th August 2013, 10:00

I was being flippant with the 'arseholes' comment.

I'll post more later, I'm not really awake yet, but I thought I'd clarify that.

black_mamba · #29 17th August 2013, 10:19

What do people mean when they say their niceness was taken advantage of?

3d85 · #30 17th August 2013, 10:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by diplodocus

^ I did expect a lot of hard reactions to this. But it really seems like people aren't actually reading the study. No one is suggesting acting like an arsehole, far from it. It was to help some people see that just being nice isn't necessarily going to mean people will like you, in fact if you are really nice (selfless) then it might actually make people dislike you.

If you are genuinely a nice person who doesn't give two hoots whether or not they are liked then this won't affect you one bit, if (and real honesty is needed) you are actually being nicer than you really are in order to be more well liked then it could well back fire.

I'll say again the intent was not to turn anyone into an arsehole or suggest anything remotely like that so I'm somewhat saddened to see so many who leapt to that conclusion despite the study not indicating that at all. I guess people will see what they choose to see.

Yeah, I think this is the interesting thing about this article. It's make you think about why you're being nice.
I think it's true that there will always be people who like you or dislike you no matter how nice you are or however you choose to act.
Now that I've actually stopped and thought about it I truly believe that being nice to people is just how I am and I don't think I do it just to get people to like me. I get real joy out of being a nice person and would never think of acting another way because it turns out that some people don't like that.