Started University - but now I feel things are slipping away like normal.

[ynwa247]

Hi, I started University this September, a few years late directly because of my mental health.

It started great but now I feel maybe things are slipping away, I have a lot of ups and downs unfortunately. I did edit this post since I'm feeling a little better today and I know I can get trapped in negativity when I return to my 'old ways' (complaining on the internet).

[Aelwyn]

I'm sorry you're feeling upset about things. If it's any help, I think a lot of people find it difficult moving on to a new phase of their life, you're not alone. I've seen lots of posts here similar to yours.

Just a few thoughts about what you've said.

You've done very well in getting to university, you've also managed to socialise and make at least one friend. It's very early days, and I don't think it's unusual for the first few weeks of socialising to calm down a bit, people are having to get down to coursework, and maybe they are getting into particular interest groups and societies. Have you considered joining any of those? What are your interests?

I think you should try to forget about the age difference, it's trivial. When I went to university there were several so-called mature students, they were in their 30's and one in his late 40's. I don't remember anyone seeing it as important or a problem.

I'm wondering why you've lost so much weight in such a short time. Are you cooking for yourself?

And finally - is there a university counselling service that might be an option for you?

[indiegirl1980]

This happened to me as well. I think that in Freshers Week and during the first month, people were more willing to talk to anyone whereas after that people split up into cliques.

Sadly, I find that this happens everywhere in life where you get large groups of people, starting with school and even on into jobs.

[Orwell20]

Originally Posted by ynwa247

I know I'm young enough not to be socially rejected on my age alone, in terms of hanging out with people outside class .

I don't know you, but I would bet that people are not rejecting you – certainly not to the extent you imagine. SA messes with your mind and convinces you of all sorts of nonsense.

Also, well done for even going! I tried but came home. I just could not cope with the social side. For what it's worth, lots of people struggle, even those without SA. Have you ever been on the website "I Hate University" (I think that's what it's called)? People post their bad experiences, and the same complaints come up again and again, especially the nasty little cliques. Lots of people write that University has shattered their self-esteem, that back home they were popular and confident, and so on. I used to go on there a lot. It really helped me come to terms with my own failure. I remember one guy wrote that he hated school because of the bullying and rejection, but that he loved Sixth form college as everyone seemed kinder and more mature. University disappointed him because it seemed like going backwards – like it was school all over again.

[ynwa247]

I guess I just have to trick myself to press on, no matter how I feel. Life is too hard.

[BritishPeace]

I***8217;m sorry to be harsh, but you***8217;re at university to learn not make mates right? Concentrate on your course if you like it and graduate with better prospects than you had if you hadn***8217;t went. You don***8217;t need to get on with people in your class.

[ynwa247]

I know what you mean, but I feel my progress will directly correlate with my happiness, and I really need friends for that.

I know I'm no good at dealing with loneliness, so even if I was a billionaire it'd be worthless compared to simply having genuine friends.

[Aelwyn]

I notice you've edited your first post because you feel a bit better, I'm glad about that.

You didn't comment on whether there was a counselling service at your university. It might be worth finding out about that in case you ever feel more stressed and need a bit of extra help.

[gregarious_introvert]

My university years were the worst of my life, so I can empathise with how you feel; I wish I knew then what I know now. I avoided Freshers Week, didn't join any societies (I thought nobody would want me), never frequented the union bar (I didn't drink back then) or ate in the refectory. I would hide in my room and only use the kitchen or bathroom when I knew everyone on my floor was out; before the end of the first year, I'd stopped using the library and attending lectures.

As Aelwyn says, there should be a confidential counselling service at your university - I'm told things have improved in the past forty years! As others have mentioned, it isn't uncommon to feel as you do (another thing I wish I'd known back then - everyone else seemed to be bonding with ease and having a wonderful time) and these days, there may even be a Socially Anxious society! As British Peace says, you are there to study but I know how difficult that can be when you're living away from home for the first time and feeling isolated, so the best advice I can give is not to become invisible (as I did), stay positive and look for others who seem lonely too.

Sent from my SM-J530F using Tapatalk

[ynwa247]

Originally Posted by Aelwyn

I notice you've edited your first post because you feel a bit better, I'm glad about that.

You didn't comment on whether there was a counselling service at your university. It might be worth finding out about that in case you ever feel more stressed and need a bit of extra help.

You're sort of not wrong, I did feel a bit better when I edited the post (also wanted less identifiable features) but I go through ups and downs more regularly than when I was back home.

For example today, at lunch time I felt so lonely and couldn't focus on studying, I wasted 2 hours doing nothing really. Now after my class I feel okay, it's ridiculous and I'm so inconsistent even I'm a little surprised.

I have a few physical issues which tend to make the start of my day bad already, but I know since there's people I actually like here the fear of ending up all alone again is what really worries me the most. I know in my heart I can't help but feel this is my last chance at making genuine friends.

I mean back at home I tended to have periods of depressive phases followed by good phases, but at Uni it seems the majorly depressive phases are a daily occurence. I've wondered today whether it's simply a result of feeling less apathetic.

[Aelwyn]

Have you ever looked into mindfulness? It can be very helpful when trying to cope with emotions that are all over the place, since part of it is about simply taking a bit of time (every day if possible) to stand back and look at your feelings and thoughts in an objective way. Seeing them as passing things that can constantly change, but not allowing yourself to get dragged all over the place by them. With SA we do tend to catastrophize.

There are lots of practices and meditations linked to mindfulness, such as awareness of your breath. I also find this body scan meditation very helpful as it can ground you when you're feeling agitated. (Click on arrow in top left corner):
https://archive.org/details/MCullenBodyScanMeditation

[ynwa247]

I've tried mindfulness and meditation in the past, though it didn't really do too much (meditation helped a bit) since I think I was in a somewhat stable way of life depsite being severely depressed.

Now my thoughts are a bit whack maybe it'd help more.

[Aelwyn]

I've been doing meditation for some time now, there are days when I can hardly face it, but I do always get back to it. It usually doesn't feel like much at the time, however I think over a period of time you do start to get some benefits. I would say it was worth a try, ynwa.

[snoo]

I don't think you're on your own - i did know of a few people that struggled at uni. Depression, anxiety are powerful things.

Sadly the demographics of students, ie 18 year old kids are the least likely to be sympathetic towards the cause. A lot of youngsters would never know what it feels like, and peer pressure is a big thing.

It sounds tough but at this stage you might be playing catch-up, others would have had a few months to get to know each other. At the very start people are in the same boat, but now, you are going to have to make the efforts.

You mentioned there are people that you like, this is a good start; chances are they will be open to being friends with you as well, but you have to give them a reason for this, often just being supportive can be enough.

[hollowone]

Going to university can be a very lonely time. For me it was ten years ago.

The bit I found most painful was that part after freshers week when everyone else had appeared to have settled into cliques. That is a situation I relate to.

RE the demographics; when I went, there were people older than than teens and early 20's. I don't know how old you are but there was a Nigerian guy living in the same building as me who I got on well with, he was 24 at the time.

RE AGE
The only prejudice people might have is if you might be parents age (I don't know your age group) but even then that seems a bit shallow. There's a good friend of mine who's 20 years older than me who I go drinking with and exploring old railway lines & village fates with. I don't give a shit about whether someone's my parents age.

Here's another thing, this girl who almost became my girlfriend now has a new boyfriend who's nearly 20 years older than she is. Why? She complained that a lot of the younger people in my area were boring & she thrived on intelligent conversation. Age is not

[Austere_Lemur]

First of all: congrats at making uni! Because if no one says that, someone bloody well should! It's a real achievement!

Not to put a downer on anything, but I figure you're posting because you'd like people's general experiences, and hopefully you can learn from mine. I went to uni twice - I did the first year (Freshrs) twice (consecutive years). The first time I went when I was eighteen, I totally failed so badly - it was my first time away from home and my parents. I mean I really failed at basic things. Even though I lived in halls of residence and I had paid meals, my social anxiety was so bad that I couldn't attend these things. I used to be really good at swimming (not good as in any competitive level; I just really enjoyed it); I paid money into getting a 'silver' membership at my uni so that I could go swimming. And whilst I failed at attending seminars (they were smaller groups of, like, five people); I could, ish, manage going to the swimming pool - I swam hundreds of lengths (I was a fairly confident swimmer), but then I started suffering actual panic attacks mid-swim that I'd never had before. I didn't need the use of the lifeguards because I'm that experience with swimming that I could deal, but it really rattled me and put me off - and that was my one medium of solace, if that makes sense. But I digress; long story short, I failed that first year because I only ever submitted one essay and never attended any exams despite the fact that unis are really good for creating exam environments to suit everyone. But I just failed, and failed hard.

Second year, the same uni was willing to take me back. This time I also stayed in halls of residence and everyone just assumed I was a Freshers (despite me being technically a year older; I never looked it - in fact I always look really young for my age). I did better socially the second time, at least for a while. This time I made a bit of an effort (I mean I still cried myself to sleep the night I was dropped off). Of course, being me; everything inevitably went to crap.

I'm 27 now, and I'm so sorry because I honestly don't know what the moral of my story was - I can't exactly thing of anything happy. I guess I'm just saying that if I'm this bad, everyone else must be better! Or at the very least, just know that you're not alone! You're at uni and that's amazing in itself.

[Genetically_Inferior]

Some of you complete misinterpret the whole "you need to go out with your uni mates" concept. You have to feel connected to those people, they have to be like-minded and possess similar personality traits. Going out for the sake of going out will take you nowhere. What's the point of doing that if you're not enjoying it. I'm currently doing my Master's degree and my group consists of 12 students including myself. I'm a serious introvert and the rest of them are complete extroverts. I feel no connection to them as people. Every time I walk to the faculty with them I feel awkward because all they do is trash-talk which I'm not interested. As a consequence, I never go out with them because they're not my type of people. Being an introvert in uni, equals modern day slavery. I can't even normally concentrate on my studies because I'm so different to them. I don't know how I'm gonna continue.

[hollowone]

I'm in agreement;

Some of you complete misinterpret the whole "you need to go out with your uni mates" concept. You have to feel connected to those people, they have to be like-minded and possess similar personality traits. Going out for the sake of going out will take you nowhere.

Absolutely agree, what's more it won't have any benefits for your confidence or social anxiety either. 'Gong out (to get 'wasted') is just over-rated & shouldn't be seen as the go to. There are plenty of other ways to be among people, dance classes could be one such avenue.

What's the point of doing that if you're not enjoying it.

A lot of people get the wrong idea of what 'enjoying it' is all about. A lot of people mistakenly think that more alcohol=better & have a flawed belief structure. Enjoying is all about being on the same wavelength, similar sense of humor. This is a flawed Britiish belief. It' all about COMFORMITY vs. FINDING THE RIGHT PEOPLE.

I totally understand where you're coming from, I too got pissed off after a while that all people wanted to do was go out drinking, get as drunk as possible as the SOLE aim of the occasion. This is something I feel passionate about in my research in the growing problem of alcohol abuse.

[ynwa247]

After the hugely stressful period I ended up feelng burned out and 'dulled ' in emotions.

Then eventually I ended up a little more balanced out, so things are going better than they were. I feel that almost the scent of a happy life is there but at the same time I feel a little disconnected at times.

I was walking with a girl today and she told me about her family and all her friends throwing a big party for her etc. the girls a really nice person too but it did make me feel a little melancholic that it sounds like the kind of life I'd like, but missed out on. I think I feel a little guilty at times when people are nice with me.

I've not really made any more specific efforts (although there's an extra person I talk to) but it feels things go better when I don't think too much, although I'm sort of worried about leaving Uni and everything returning to nothing again, at times it's almost like I'm living a lie.

[Aelwyn]

Glad to hear things are somewhat improved. It's interesting you say things go better when you don't think too much.

You started uni in September and already you're worrying about when you leave. We can definitely overthink situations.

[ynwa247]

I feel what hurts the most is that I'm 23 with just a void in life. I think I could deal with it if people I cared about accepted me now, but I fear they won't in the end.

To be honest I don't miss my family at all either, I wish I could just forget the past and leave my burdens there. At least I've seen I don't get angry or bitter at people.