Sexual attraction

[Cheshire Cat]

Anyone else think their life would be so much happier if there was no such thing as sexual attraction? The day adolescence kicked in was the end of my freedom.

If I didn't desire women I wouldn't suffer nearly so much. So I've spent years reading spirituality to try to accept life without women, but it never works. I know full well I want the company of women more than anything else, but since I cannot achieve this, or even achieve an acceptance of not having, i just suffer. This will never end, I am convinced of it, until I die. It's painful because I know girls always like me, I'm just totally emotionally inhibited to do anything about it.

It requires resolve, commitment and risk taking on either path you choose. But i often feel forced to choose acceptance of not-having because I simply cannot have. I actually never make any choices. I choose NOT to do anything. Since action requires hard work and risk, I prefer to sit in the middle and feel sorry for myself which is probably where I am going to remain.

[toobusycrashing]

I feel exactly the same.

[toobusycrashing]

I know exactly how you feel. My interest in boys completely stifles my creativity and productivity but brings nothing of any value or enrichment to my life.

[Cheshire Cat]

It's good to know I'm not the only one.

I know exactly how you feel. My interest in boys completely stifles my creativity and productivity but brings nothing of any value or enrichment to my life.

That I can relate with. It does take energy away from creativity and productivity. But then again people who are in happy relationships might find it increases their overall productivity. I guess it's more the creation of a problem, any problem, in our minds that really usurps our energy, especially when it becomes pathological or neurotic. I'm sure there are people happy to be either in or out of relationships, but it's the not being able to resolve the issue either way which gets to me. I think it has possibly become an obsession. I wasn't a confident teenager or young adult, so maybe it has grown into this animal where I'm always trying to prove something to myself. I acknowledge that might be true, but the flame continues to burn because there's nothing more potent that sexual desire. In a sense, I have a similar emotional problem to a sex addict, the only difference is, I don't get any sex

What a painful thing life is sometimes. The most fundamental human instincts can create such anguish in people.

[AxelFendersson]

I don't know about happier or better, but it would definitely be easier.

For all the years I was single and despairing of ever being otherwise, I often thought it wouldn't be so bad to be entirely without sexual desire.

But now I am in a relationship that I am enjoying very much, and without sexual desire, I wouldn't be. There's plenty more to our relationship than just sex, but it is a big part of it and we wouldn't have the same connection without it. That kind of connection with another person isn't one I'd want to have to go without because I wasn't horny enough.

I guess that life with sexual lust can be more difficult, but potentially the rewards are greater.

[diplodocus]

As it would be easier to be a robotic soul devoid of all emotion but then that's what makes us who we are isn't it?

[Marzipen]

It's about the genes that we play host to. All you can do is surrender and pursue the urge, else be unnatural and fight what created you.

I was going to say it's like the 11+ exam deciding if you're a winner or a loser for life, but then I remembered there is almost exactly one man for every woman on the planet so there are enough places at a good school to go round!

[toobusycrashing]

"ive a heart and a head - parts that until death i will guard and protect"

[Cheshire Cat]

Originally Posted by toobusycrashing

"ive a heart and a head - parts that until death i will guard and protect"

I like that, but I'm not sure I understand it entirely. Is that a quote from somewhere?

[Clockface]

Yes I suppose life would be easier without it, but hey we have to have it I guess, its how God made us. It's great of course if you're in a relationship but like me and a lot of other SA people, it's a massive burden as we struggle to get into relationship

[daveysurfy]

Yes, if I could flicka switch to turn it of I would, it can be quite tormenting at times, esp if your young and full of hormones and all your matrs are out shagging like rabids and you're stuck in your room without the confidence to even go outside let alone socialize.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

Originally Posted by Cheshire Cat

Anyone else think their life would be so much happier if there was no such thing as sexual attraction? The day adolescence kicked in was the end of my freedom.

If I didn't desire women I wouldn't suffer nearly so much. So I've spent years reading spirituality to try to accept life without women, but it never works. I know full well I want the company of women more than anything else, but since I cannot achieve this, or even achieve an acceptance of not having, i just suffer. This will never end, I am convinced of it, until I die. It's painful because I know girls always like me, I'm just totally emotionally inhibited to do anything about it.

It requires resolve, commitment and risk taking on either path you choose. But i often feel forced to choose acceptance of not-having because I simply cannot have. I actually never make any choices. I choose NOT to do anything. Since action requires hard work and risk, I prefer to sit in the middle and feel sorry for myself which is probably where I am going to remain.

No way, life would feel more boring without those feelings.

Although I know I'm bisexual and haven't opened up to people in real life about my sexual orientation I think you should accept you like women cause tbh I know there is/has been a stigma against homosexuality but lets be real, homosexual/heterosexuality or whatever doesn't effect other ppl and they don't need to judge one simply for their sexual orientation.

I feel like that as well, I don't show off my true self to most people cause it's a risk that they can hurt me emotionally more however if I did I would probably have more real friends.

[ratty]

I suppose it's a bit like those (corny?) sayings about it's better to feel pain than nothing at all, etc... I mean, I personally think life would be pretty crap if I never felt any attraction to anyone. Even if it doesn't amount to anything, there's something exciting about seeing someone you are attracted to, it gets your heart racing, you can feel jittery and giggly and silly...

I understand the frustration at not being with someone though. But personally life, for me, would be terrible if I didn't ever fancy a guy. I mean, it would be ok. But I'd really miss it. Even if I spend time with a guy with whom I have no sexual chemistry, I find it enriching. Just being with people generally has the same effect (providing the experiences aren't negative). But yeah, you can enjoy feeling attracted to someone without it leading to anything.

You say girls like you - so surely you can see you're in a massively better situation than someone who says "no-one has ever fancied me" for various reasons: 1. You've actually got some self belief to realise that, 2. Girls like you! People really struggle to find girls/boys who like them, and 3. They feel the same as you do re: their attraction for you. So I don't know why that would mean you wouldn't want to share those same feelings.

Some people do just prefer to be alone, even if they feel the desire to be with someone. They are just happier to not act on it. And that's ok.

[anxiouslondoner]

If it weren't for sexual desire, or at the least an idealised form of romantic love, I don't know what I'd feel I had to look forward to in life (given my somewhat delusional belief that this will happen some day) - I don't think I'd feel happier without that drive, just more empty.

[Clockface]

Originally Posted by ratty

I suppose it's a bit like those (corny?) sayings about it's better to feel pain than nothing at all, etc... I mean, I personally think life would be pretty crap if I never felt any attraction to anyone. Even if it doesn't amount to anything, there's something exciting about seeing someone you are attracted to, it gets your heart racing, you can feel jittery and giggly and silly...

I understand the frustration at not being with someone though. But personally life, for me, would be terrible if I didn't ever fancy a guy. I mean, it would be ok. But I'd really miss it. Even if I spend time with a guy with whom I have no sexual chemistry, I find it enriching. Just being with people generally has the same effect (providing the experiences aren't negative). But yeah, you can enjoy feeling attracted to someone without it leading to anything.

You say girls like you - so surely you can see you're in a massively better situation than someone who says "no-one has ever fancied me" for various reasons: 1. You've actually got some self belief to realise that, 2. Girls like you! People really struggle to find girls/boys who like them, and 3. They feel the same as you do re: their attraction for you. So I don't know why that would mean you wouldn't want to share those same feelings.

Some people do just prefer to be alone, even if they feel the desire to be with someone. They are just happier to not act on it. And that's ok.

I must say Ratty you do well to enjoy feeling attracted to someone without anything coming of it. I am the opposite. When I start to feel attracted to someone I go through what you describe i.e. giggly and jittery. I even fake confidence in front of them. This initial stage only lasts a short while before the attraction makes me want to be with them. Then it turns into hell. I start thinking of myself as a loser, feeling unattractive and boring. I start thinking that they are amazing people, have lots of friends, have lots going for them etc. And then the most dreadful thought occurs to me that a charming, handsome and wittier guy is going to come along and 'sweep her off her feet'...

For this reason sexual attraction can be awful, especially for someone like me who is 31 and has never been in a relationship. Of course if a miracle happened and my luck changed then I would start thinking it was wonderful etc. It's crazy how the mind of an SA and low self esteem person works.

[Olly.]

Yeah, life would be much easier and less painful imo if I was just like Sheldon (out of the big bang theory) and had no sexual or emotional feelings, even I do manage to find a relationship, there's a chance it'll end in heartbreak like so many do these days, so whatever happens, the unfortunate fact of the matter is that relationships, or lack of will cause me plenty of pain throughout life

[Cheshire Cat]

I must say I'm really enjoying all your comments, thank you. One trouble with this whole issue I find is it can be so painfully private, and it is really nice to be able to write about it here. I noticed at school a lot of people learn (which I think is healthy) to continually express their sexual interest by chatting to their mates about it, getting the ball rolling by dropping hints they like someone etc. It forms bonds and our friends are an important part of helping our confidence in this area. That is, I would add, unless you have social anxiety or are painfully shy. At least in my own life, I learnt to be virtually silent about the whole issue as I didn't want anything to be out in the open. One guy at school found out about a girl I liked and then insisted on telling the entire school, and delighted in reporting back to me that 'Oh I told her and she can't stand your guts!' Thanks mate.

I would agree with the points about the desire being an important part of happiness and virtually impossible to ignore, but I think there are bigger implications beyond the simple fact you can't get what you want. Issues to do with whether you are measuring your self-esteem in terms of this or not, which is a different issue. Talking to guys about it I often get told, 'nah, you just need to shag lots of birds and get it out of your system'. Well, thanks, point taken, but let's be realistic. I would find that impossible and it is not in my character anyway to behave like that, so I am still left with the task of somehow having to OK myself, even though I suffer sometimes.

The few times I have tried to explain this to my family, they all get really embarrassed and either change the subject or start nervously harping on about their own insecurities, and I don't feel listened to. Most people in my family are single and never have any relationships! I don't know if anyone is having sex in my family except perhaps my younger brother who is quite popular and confident with the opposite sex. I hate being tarred with the same brush as my family because I love sex and I'm crazy about women, at least when it occurs!

As a musician I work with ballet dancers a lot and the girls are of course all absolutely gorgeous but I am filled with self-consciousness so perhaps should seek employment where there is less temptation and stimulus. Sure I'd miss it, but what would I really lose? Ogling at them and feeling inadequate which only adds to my feelings of not being good enough? Perhaps it would help my SA and I'd be able to focus more on my work and find some peace.

[AxelFendersson]

The more I think about it, the more I think the answer is this: I would rather have no sexual desire whatsoever than have carried on lonely and sexually frustrated all my life. But being lonely and sexually frustrated some of the time is a price I am willing to pay (and to have paid) for being loved and sexually satisfied at other times.

[toobusycrashing]

Originally Posted by Cheshire Cat

I like that, but I'm not sure I understand it entirely. Is that a quote from somewhere?

it's from a poem called moments by toby thompson

[talisman]

Yes good points. I definitely feel my creativity and productivity is stifled as a result of depression caused by sexual frustration and the time wasted trying to satisfy it. I'm sure its very healthy when you can share it with a partner but it can seem like a burden sometimes. That said even alone sexual stuff still more enjoyable than most other recreational activities even if the sadness and frustration is soul destroying at times.

Can't honestly say I'd like to turn it off. It's hard to imagine life without it.

[Dandelion10]

It's much harder to resist sexual attaction than accept it and I think if it was taken away for the rest of your life, you'd regret it.

It's part of life though, and you have no shortage of it based on your post. Even those who curse their looks and sex appeal will inevitably go through phases of producing higher levels of testosterone and releasing stronger pheremones that they have absolutely no control over but which make them more attractive to the opposite sex.

It's only you that's counting yourself out, nobody else.

[JulesH]

Probably. Especially when most of these women you get sexually attracted to don't feel the same way and/or are way out of your league. It's just glaring out that this is something you will never have.

Yeah, a monk's life does sound like it's for me...