I dont know what Im doing that day

The Chosen One · #1 22nd January 2013, 19:22

Do you get annoyed when people say this? You want to invite someone out on a weekend (or a day) and they reply to you saying "I dont know what Im doing that day/weekend". I think thats being cowardly.

Of course they dont know what they are doing, but they can still say yes or no. What are they waiting for? In my opinion, I think they are waiting for better offers to do something on that day and i am a last resort. They are hoping I take it as a no and I conviniently forget,

I mean I dont know what Im doing in 7 weeks time but if someone asked me to go on a day trip on a Saturday, I wont give the excuse that I dont know what I am doing on that very day. I will say yes or no (most likely yes). If you havent got a plan on one day, then make one!!

Saponara_Immobile · #2 22nd January 2013, 20:02

from your other post it sounds like you're putting too much pressure on people, if you get pissy after ONE day then really you need to look at yourself as that's no time at all. I would guess people are put off by this and probably don't want to commit to you because they feel under pressure.

ratty · #3 22nd January 2013, 20:51

Yeah I find it annoying. I wouldn't see it as people waiting for better offers though. Sure, in some situations, maybe. But not all the time. You should think more positively about it. People have their own lives and their own ways of doing things, and I honestly think more often than not the truth behind it is something like...

- people just don't want to commit to something on a date in the future... nothing to do with who is asking, they just don't want to think that far ahead - it honestly just stresses some people out and isn't in their nature
- say someone has been mad busy, or ill, or feeling pressurised at work. Even though all of that might be gone in a few days, and you know they're free, in the mindset at that current time they might not be able to see ahead to that point. They just want to get through the next few days first and they might not know if they're going to be fully ok to agree to it.
- people have things they know they want to do, but they're not social events or planned activities. For example, just catching up on housework (

I know). So they want to see how they're going to fit that in with everything else they're doing, and that includes your suggestion. They might think, well I can't say I'm busy, cos I'm not. I kind of have shedloads to do. But I kind of want to go out. They give a kind of wishy-washy answer because they want to see you but feel they should be doing some chores/other tasks and are weighing it up in their mind as to if they can skip something else to accept your offer.

Next time it happens, why don't you ask them? For example, you could say, "Oh do you have something else on? Because that's fine if so - let me know a date you are free instead." If you just accept the 'I'll see what I'm doing' approach, it will inevitably end up with you feeling like you're waiting around for them.

Sometimes, it is just in someone's nature. I have a friend who won't ever commit to a specific date. She gives me like three dates for our next meet up, and I have to hold the time free. Then she just has a meltdown, forgets she's even promised me the dates, books loads of stuff in, and can't make any of them. I used to get really hacked off with it. But it's just the way she is, with everyone. I just try and see the positives: I'm super flexible. But I'm assertive with my time too. When she phones me up last minute after cancelling a week's worth of lunches, if I need to be doing something else, I do it. I don't bend over backwards. And she realises she can't just pick and choose when she sees me.

The Chosen One · #4 22nd January 2013, 21:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by kramer

from your other post it sounds like you're putting too much pressure on people, if you get pissy after ONE day then really you need to look at yourself as that's no time at all. I would guess people are put off by this and probably don't want to commit to you because they feel under pressure.

Im talking about friends context, generally people you have known for a long time, but still say these things.Nearly all the time, I have to make all the effort in inviting people out (who I think are my friends) but i dont ever get invites. Iam also thinking why am i wasting the effort with these people. They are surely not my friends. Its a one way street. It makes me really depressed.

Occasionally they may say "I will get back to you" and guess what, they never do in the end. Hoping I forget. Its not just a one time thing, its happens several times with the same people. And by the time you ask again, they now have plans

The Chosen One · #5 27th January 2013, 19:11

Just had it happen again today! Another person has said this, after asking and inviting them to do something on Wednesday (which is just 3 days away)

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratty

Next time it happens, why don't you ask them? For example, you could say, "Oh do you have something else on? Because that's fine if so - let me know a date you are free instead." If you just accept the 'I'll see what I'm doing' approach, it will inevitably end up with you feeling like you're waiting around for them.

Tried this before, and they never get back to me. This is part of the problem, its always me making and trying to intigate plans with people.

Lenore86 · #6 27th January 2013, 19:29

Err...I sometimes say I don't know.

When I do though I never thought that people might be offended by this. I don't live near my mates so I am never sure if I will be around to see them that weekend so if they ask me out I say I'm not sure as might not be around that weekend or the cost of getting there often means I can't afford to go out much.

Or I sometimes say if I'm feeling a bit meh and I'm not sure if I will be un-meh by the time that date comes, I don't want to say yes and then on the day let them down as I would feel terrible.
I have some mates who always say yes to everything and then often don't turn up. I would much rather they say I don't know personally as long as I know night before at the latest.
I hope I make sense...

The Chosen One · #7 27th January 2013, 20:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lenore86

Err...I sometimes say I don't know.

When I do though I never thought that people might be offended by this. I don't live near my mates so I am never sure if I will be around to see them that weekend so if they ask me out I say I'm not sure as might not be around that weekend or the cost of getting there often means I can't afford to go out much.

Or I sometimes say if I'm feeling a bit meh and I'm not sure if I will be un-meh by the time that date comes, I don't want to say yes and then on the day let them down as I would feel terrible.
I have some mates who always say yes to everything and then often don't turn up. I would much rather they say I don't know personally as long as I know night before at the latest.
I hope I make sense...

I can totally understand. But there has to be a limit, otherwise everyone would act like this.

I think for me, I dont know when the best time to ask someone. If I ask too far in advance (e.g. a week-2 weeks) I get the line that they dont know what they are doing. If i ask maybe a day or 2 before, already have plans. It just never goes right and I feel like last choice in their list of friends all the time.

Lenore86 · #8 27th January 2013, 20:44

Oh yeah I don't do it all the time, only if it's a need be. If I know I will be around that weekend and can afford it etc, I will say yes, but personally saying yes or no is not always possible

Personally I asked people about two weeks in advance. If they not sure I asked again week later. If they still not sure I ask them to let me know when they can if they are available. If no reply I assume they are not.

The Chosen One · #9 28th January 2013, 13:56

This is my concern - that some people walk all over me

I know some people will say its their loss but how many times will they say it and think secretly "why is this always happening to him". The more it happens, the more I think its my loss.

AxelFendersson · #10 28th January 2013, 17:14

I'm quite busy these days. I quite often have stuff on. But I am also quite forgetful and disorganised and so I won't necessarily remember what I've got planned for any particular day. And I really hate flaking out on people, so I won't commit to doing something unless I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be able to do it.

So if people suggest doing something on some future date, I will often say that I'll have to check whether I'm free or not. Because I'd rather that than say 'yeah, sure' and then discover that I can't make it after all because I already had something else on.

And because I am forgetful and disorganised, I sometimes forget to get back to people about stuff.

It's not malicious, it's just me being a bit useless.

The Chosen One · #11 28th January 2013, 18:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by AxelFendersson

So if people suggest doing something on some future date, I will often say that I'll have to check whether I'm free or not. Because I'd rather that than say 'yeah, sure' and then discover that I can't make it after all because I already had something else on.
.

Im playing devils advocate here, but surely you would not say yes to something if you already had some commitment that day?

AxelFendersson · #12 28th January 2013, 23:31

But that's the thing. I don't know whether I already have some other commitment that day. So until I've checked, I don't want to say yes to something in case I've already committed myself to something else.

The Chosen One · #13 16th February 2013, 14:10

But the problem is I cannot seem to get the balance right, or maybe thats not the issue. If I try and arrange something too early, its the reason of i dont know what Im doing that way. If a few days before or day before (I thought people like to be spontaneous) they say they already have plans.

I highly doubt all their other friends just sit by and look at a watch, and wait for the right time to call their friend up and arrange plans, and get their way. I just think maybe my "friends" might be embarassed by me, or low down their "friends list". Only get invited out it seems when no one else can go out.

Maybe I will have to start looking to make new friends, but its going to be tough on me, I've turned 27 yesterday.