Met Bully again after 20 years

[BennyB]

^ with you all the way Fizzbomb. I don't know how anybody can try to justify this man's disgraceful behaviour. In no way whatsoever is any of this your fault. End of. As posted above I would be tempted to contact the Police if things continue.

[Fizzbomb]

Originally Posted by BennyB

^ with you all the way Fizzbomb. I don't know how anybody can try to justify this man's disgraceful behaviour. In no way whatsoever is any of this your fault. End of. As posted above I would be tempted to contact the Police if things continue.

Thanks that means a lot.

[Julian3000]

Ok, I've said my piece, extract whatever you find useful from it. The truth is painful to hear.

[Julian3000]

You seek help. Its not about whether someone could wipe the floor with you or not, bullies only target weak people (and I am not saying bullies are strong) if you are not weak you will not be targeted.

If a mob gangs up on you, you have two options to either run or fight.

[Fizzbomb]

Thanks for your response Cynic. My point is that the bullies are not strong people. Other people might say they are but if they were they would not pick on people they consider to be weak. How is that being strong? Bullies are not superior people, they are nasty people. You are right in that it is very difficult to sort things out if you are being targeted by a gang of bullies. But if you are targeted you are not weak just unlucky to be targeted by a bunch of morons. You say they have earned respect. Who from? Fellow ars******? We SAers are nice decent people who don't do anything bad to anyone whilst bullies make people's lives a misery. In my view that makes us superior. We should be really proud of who we are. We are good people.

[Julian3000]

Originally Posted by Cynic

There is no help. Everyone is on the side of the bully(s).


If that mob happens to be your work colleagues, led by your boss, you don't have many options at all.

Lol, there is always a solution to ones problems, your mentality is thankfully rare for the sake of mankind. Instead of creating different scenarios where the solution is the same, why don't you tell me what you would do. Would you tell the person being bullied, to give in to hopelessness or even better to just kill themselves because that's the only solution.

Stop selecting bits of what I say and sensationalising them (you're not the daily mail) but instead look at it in the context. Am not here to argue with random people, I am here to help.

[Julian3000]

[Fizzbomb]

People normally get bullied because there is something different about them.
In my case there were several things that caused people to have a go at me. As I say when I went up to senior school I was suffering the aftermath of bullying and also a recent bereavement which made me a ripe target for this teacher. But it wasn't only me. He bullied dozens of other kids too including one boy who had learning difficulties and removed from his class because of the bullying. Many kids refused to go to class in the final year they were so scared of him. But whenever anyone complained he would say it was only a joke and they couldn't take a joke. Geddalexneil. Know how you feel. In the old days adults didn't take bullying seriously. Character building. What a joke.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

Originally Posted by Fizzbomb

I have been completely upset and freaking out after an incident a few days ago.

I went into a local shop the other day. I went to get some milk from the shelf and there was hardly any left just some that was right at the back. As I reached to the back of the shelf to get it I accidentally knocked off a carton of fruit juice.

It was then that I noticed this man to the side of me. He made a comment about it and I felt really embarrassed and scared. I just replied something like, ***8220;Yeah, right***8221; and moved on quickly but I noticed that he was staring at me with a malicious smile in his eyes. He then said, ***8220; Don***8217;t worry about it***8221;.

I wouldn***8217;t have if he hadn***8217;t kept staring and making me feel uncomfortable. I got away as quickly as I could. I seemed to keep bumping into him all around store, then I met him at the queue and he was like all uber polite with me which made me feel even worse like I was this miserable bitch with no sense of humour. As I stood in the queue I thought I heard a woman say my name but I didn***8217;t turn around cos I had a sixth sense not to do so.

When I got outside the store I kept wondering why I felt so bad then I realised who he was. It was a teacher I had 20 years ago who bullied me really viciously. I think he must have got someone to call my name to check if it was me.

I am now terrified that I am going to bump into him around town. If I do what do I say or do? The last thing I want is for him to humiliate me again like he did in class 20 years ago.

He used to really get off on scaring me. Since it happened I have had terrible nightmares about school and hardly been able to sleep.

I am quite a clumsy person and often do end up knocking things off shelves in supermarkets but usually the person standing next to me just makes a nice joke about it and we have a laugh even though of course I still feel a bit embarrassed about it.

So I really don***8217;t believe he was just some nice pleasant guy and I took what he said the wrong way. I am sure it was this teacher.

I haven't been in your exact situation although I have seen one of my childhood bullies in my estate and around my area a few times. When I'm im a positive mood I think we were only children when he bullied me and dont really feel too SA passing him but if I'm in an anxious mood I feel very SA around him and feel he might want to tease me a little.

20 years is quite a long time and a person can change in that amount of time, so I'm guesting you might not know him that much presently, like the negative judgements you have of him are from 20 years ago and might not be completely correct presently. I don't really have an idea what he did to you.

Why don't you feel safe around him? How does he really make you feel and think? What do you think he is trying to do to you?

I only asked the questions to make the situation maybe appear more understandable.

You are both adults now, so ur on a more level playing field with him.

[Caribou]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Because strong people have earned respect by being strong.

It remains a universal truth today.

Wasn't exactly successful in the end was he? He lost the war, pooped his Nazi knickers and topped himself before the Russians got hold of him.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

Originally Posted by Julian3000

Lol, there is always a solution to ones problems, your mentality is thankfully rare for the sake of mankind. Instead of creating different scenario's where the solution is the same, why don't you tell me what you would do. Would you tell the person being bullied, to give in to hopelessness or even better to just kill themselves because that's the only solution.

Stop selecting bits of what I say and sensationalising them (your not the daily mail) but instead look at it in the context. Am not here to argue with random people, I am here to help.

Well his name is Cynic

I agree a bit with the part where you say the bully isn't in Fizzbomb's life again and the situation was in the past, what has happend has happend, I think tbh some more self acceptance would help the problem, I definately need self acceptance as well. Because it seems like the teacher might still have control over how Fizzbomb might feel about herself, I know sometimes I allow ppl to influence how I feel about myself. But then self acceptance takes work and is probably hard to achieve.

[Fizzbomb]

Thanks Jinny. Hope you're feeling better now btw. Geddalexneil you have nothing to apologise for.
Retep in my view people like that never change and his behaviour in the shop suggests that he hasn't changed. He was the type who liked to scare and embarrass people. As you can tell I don't know how to do the multiple quotes thing on here.

[Concept]

Sorry you had to experience that, Fizz. I was lucky in that the vast majority of the bullying that I experienced growing up was mostly from my own peers, never someone overwhelmingly older.

Not only is it hard having old ghosts dragged back up, but the way he reacted... I'd do what Cynic suggested. If you encounter him again, I'd act like he doesn't exist unless directly addressed. In an ideal world you'd be able to go up and talk to him and see if he's changed but judging from what you described of the current situation, I'd say that's a fruitless endeavour.

When you can still feel the scars from bullying (no matter how long ago), the last thing you need is them being constantly reopened.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

^ But what if the scars reveal issues that can be healed/managed?

[PussyRiot]

Originally Posted by Julian3000

Ok, I've said my piece, extract whatever you find useful from it. The truth is painful to hear.

Who are you J3000? God? Reading your posts to Fizzbomb sounds quite like a form of bullying - making her feel small, making her doubt herself, making her feel like it is her fault? If it walks and sounds like a duck, it probably is a duck..............

She was only a child. He exploited his position. He was a bully. She did not deserve it. End of!

[Spock]

Originally Posted by Julian3000

Am not here to argue with random people, I am here to help.

I understand what you're saying but this site has never really been about helping in any meaningful way....i'm reliably informed that it's more about helping by just listening (yeah, i know, right) so asking people to examine themselves, their beliefs or experiences only irritates them (especially if it requires that they stop worshipping their victim status for a few minutes) - best just to say "there, there....it'll all get better soon and the baddies will get their come uppance eventually"

Originally Posted by Fizzbomb

And you can't know that the law of karma doesn't exist btw.

I think he meant, you're still miserable and your life is still being negatively defined by this other person so you're not exactly reaping the karmic rewards are you

[PussyRiot]

Originally Posted by hux

this site has never really been about helping in any meaningful way....i'm reliably informed that it's more about helping by just listening (yeah, i know, right) so asking people to examine themselves, their beliefs or experiences only irritates them (especially if it requires that they stop worshipping their victim status for a few minutes) - best just to say "there, there....it'll all get better soon and the baddies will get their come uppance eventually"

I don't agree Hux, most posts that I've read have challenged people in order to help them. Most people speak from their own experience when replying to threads. I haven't come across posts where people have just wanted to pat the person on the head, but then I have not done any research. So tell me Hux, how did you research SAUK member's minds and conclude that we just pat each other on the head and don't make meaningful contributions?

[Julian3000]

Originally Posted by smellycat

Who are you J3000? God? Reading your posts to Fizzbomb sounds quite like a form of bullying - making her feel small, making her doubt herself, making her feel like it is her fault? If it walks and sounds like a duck, it probably is a duck..............

She was only a child. He exploited his position. He was a bully. She did not deserve it. End of!

You are a beautiful person Smellycat

Ok i'll be serious, if Fizzbomb feels offended by what I say then she is free (I have granted her freedom) to ignore it.

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Don't even acknowledge the prick Fizzbomb. He no longer wields any influence over you and you don't have to speak to him any more.

[Between The Bars]

Originally Posted by hux

this site has never really been about helping in any meaningful way.

Aye, especially when you're involved!

[Spock]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Don't even acknowledge the prick Fizzbomb. He no longer wields any influence over you and you don't have to speak to him any more.

Does this very thread not entirely prove otherwise

Originally Posted by smellycat

I don't agree Hux, most posts that I've read have challenged people in order to help them.

Where? we'll have to agree to disagree i think

Originally Posted by smellycat

I haven't come across posts where people have just wanted to pat the person on the head,

Strange, considering you're on a thread with plenty examples. Does anyone know fizzbomb, does anyone know the man she's referring to, does anyone know that what he did was bullying, does anyone have any facts about her experience, does anyone (other than Julian3000) have an alternative view about the nature of bullying and how to deal with it........no! it's all just...."you're great and the world sucks so don't worry about it".....nothing is remotely challenged....goodies and baddies......you can't even see it when it's in front of you which pretty much proves the point

Originally Posted by smellycat

So tell me Hux, how did you research SAUK member's minds and conclude that we just pat each other on the head and don't make meaningful contributions?

See the lounge for more details

Originally Posted by Between The Bars

Aye, especially when you're involved!

Och aye the noo, donald where's youse trousers jimmy....parp parp, big brother, parp parp, haggis

Originally Posted by Fizzbomb

We SAers are nice decent people who don't do anything bad to anyone

That's because we're the goodies

[iTz0kt0Bu]

^^ I think SA forums are places of support more than help imo although sometimes ppl do offer helpful advice that doesnt fully agree with the OP.

[Progress]

Originally Posted by smellycat

I don't agree Hux, most posts that I've read have challenged people in order to help them.

Originally Posted by hux

Where? we'll have to agree to disagree i think

I see plenty. I also see supportive posts which are also necessary.

There's a difference between challenging someone and knocking them down though.

[Progress]

Originally Posted by *Emu*

I don't think this is necessarily true. I don't think SAers are any more likely to be good people than anyone else. They are simply anxious in social situations. They may often have had bad things happen to them, and they may be more timid/less confontational, but that doesn't make them automatically "good" people (whatever that means). It doesn't change how kind, caring or friendly they are, and I've seen lots of SAers be just as judgemental as other people about certain things. I'm only saying that, because while I know you were comparing SAers to bullies, the "us and them" comparison may lead you to think that SAers are nicer than non-SAers generally which I don't think will help your recovery. If you are a good person, that has nothing to do with a mental health problem. I agree you should be proud of who you are. We all should. Not because we have SA though. I'm not saying it's something to be ashamed of. I don't think having a disorder makes us superior or inferior. Being shy/introverted isn't the same as having SA.

Anyway, I am sorry to hear what happened to you with the bullying, I really am. I don't agree that you were weak. My mum always has this attitude towards me as well: "you let it happen, you were weak, you let them do that to you" etc and I ask her how at 11 year old I was supposed to do anything but let it happen. I was a quiet happy kid who minded her own business and I have no idea why I was made to feel like I was.

Of course you didn't deserve it. However, I do think that it is time to let it go. I'm not saying that's easy. I got so irritated when people used to tell me that the people who bullied me were just kids. I was "a kid" too and I would never have treated anyone like that. They've given me issues with my appearance that I don't think will ever go away. I hated them for years. The worst part is, one of them doesn't even remember me. When I went to counselling, I was very aware of how my mum seemed to blame me, and so I got defensive and carried around this anger for them for ages. It was like, the blame had to be on me or them. The more I blamed them, and hated them, the more I felt it wasn't my fault. I started to realise, after a while, that me letting go of that hate didn't make it my fault. It didn't mean they were let off the hook, or forgiven. I just eventually managed to let it go. That did involve letting go of a lot of anger, but it's not the same as forgiving them. I am happier now. I sense you don't particularly want to let go of the anger, because he deserves it. He doesn't care though. You aren't hurting him, only yourself.

This man does not deserve to be forgiven or to have you be nice to him. However, nothing you do will punish him. Karma is not punishing him. He is happy and here you are making this thread. The best revenge is happiness. While he's still in your thoughts like this, he still has control. I really think you should talk to a counsellor about this, because what you went through sounds absolutely horrible and I'm not surprised it had such an effect on you. I think talking about it is the next step to moving past it. You can't keep this with you forever, and be scared of bumping into him. No smart comment, or comeback or anything else you can do will really make you win against him. He will win, because he won't ever be sorry. You will never make him regret what he did if he hasn't changed after 20 years. I imagine he will die, without being sorry for what he did. Even if he is sorry one day, it won't change anything. I believe that keeping hold of the anger and fear isn't good for you. I don't think having a bad childhood is an excuse for bullying, but I think understanding why someone did something does not have to equal forgiveness. It's a part of acceptance. Being angry and sad are also part of that, but they should lessen eventually. This is the hand you have been dealt. It isn't fair. You can't change what happened - you can only look forward. Please don't waste anymore of your energy on this man. If you can't get him out of your head, I think getting help will be good for you.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

Brilliant post Emma. Really interesting to read.

[OrdinaryJoe]

This teacher sounds like a sociopath. Avoid at all costs, I would say. It can feel awkward blanking people at first, but when you do it once the other person usually gets the message and it becomes easier. I think you should do your best to put him completely out of your mind and don't allow him to get under your skin. Easier said than done, of course.

[Fizzbomb]

Emu. Thanks for your advice.

What I just want to explain is that I have not spent the last 20 years thinking constantly about this man. He was a major cause of my SA and I still live with the effects of the way he treated me but until I met him the other day I rarely thought of him. When I did I would just think thank God I never have to see him again. That's why it was such a horrible shock when I did run into him.

My fear was that I will keep running into him and that the situation at school could almost be recreated with him taking the p*** out of me whenever he saw me. However I have decided that if I do see him again I will immediately turn around and walk away. If he did ever speak to me I will ignore him or if I am feeling confident laugh in his face and say I don't remember him as Cynic suggested.

Thanks to everyone who gave me constructive advice. I was just looking for ideas on how to cope if I do see him again as I was panicking about what I would do.

Now I have decided what to do after reading all the advice I feel better. Like I am now the one in control instead of him. It is true that he no longer wields any power or influence over me and I don't have to speak to him. I am no longer a powerless child.

I just wanted to talk it through with people on here that's all because it helps if you can talk things through and there is no-one else that I can talk to about this.

It was also very helpful in hearing other people's personal experiences of bullying as it makes me feel less alone. If you have suffered bullying you often think that you are the only one who has been through it.

[Between The Bars]

Originally Posted by Fizzbomb

I am now the one in control instead of him. It is true that he no longer wields any power or influence over me and I don't have to speak to him. I am no longer a powerless child.