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  #1  
Old 6th June 2005, 11:02
starchild
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Default People telling me how I should get over my SA

Last week my son told me that I should just get out and do things. I have had SA most of my life and I have not lived a life of total isolation.I have :-
been to school
and to college
even tried university
I have been in employment
I worked in factories
on a farm
in offices
I have had so called "relationships"
but my SA was still there it prevented me from having real close relationships with others or from mingling with my work mates. My friend says I should try to handle my SA by myself and not rely ontherapists or drugs. Just what does he think I have been doing all these years?
  #2  
Old 6th June 2005, 11:49
greenade
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Default Re: People telling me how I should get over my SA

I feel for you starchild,

We face this sort of stuff everyday from people who have no understanding of what its like to be and live like this.....it must really hurt when someone close to you says something like this..... (Emote: shake)

Most times its the parents not understanding the child, but i guess it can come from any angle really....

Having said that, it hits home when someone you trust shouts "get a life" at you, or words to that effect...

Hang in there (Emote: smileyellow)

Adrian
  #3  
Old 6th June 2005, 14:54
mico_2
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Default Re: People telling me how I should get over my SA

I can sympathise with the situation here. In the context of things, it can be hurtful when people suggest these things.

At the same time, I think there is some truth with what is being said.

"I should just get out and do things"

I think that is number 1.

No matter what you do, unless you don't go out and do things then SA isn't going to go away. Yeah, you've made many attempts at this and you're still not cured. This is where SA becomes quite complex. The trouble is, we often go out and do things, but we tend to stop at a certain point. If we go to work, then we must make an effort to talk to someone too, strike up a conversation in the canteen or whatever. There is no end point in 'just doing things' we've got to keep doing them.

"I should try to handle my SA by myself and not rely ontherapists or drugs"

That may not be the greatest comment, since medication can be helpful, and so can therapists. But there are many people who rely on those two things too much. So yeah, you've got to accept the responsibility of your own actions and not on your doctor/therapist/medications. That's not to sound harsh, just there is some truth in there.

Sure, there are many other things you need to do too, and anyone who doesn't suffer won't fully understand it. And yes, these cooments can be hurtful. But, you can also learn a lot from people who don't suffer. In what way is their approach different to yours? They probably don't know themselves, which is why their answers to your problems are slightly less than adequate, but they will have some useful to say on the matter. I'm just saying, it's worth listening regardless of what you think of these comments.
  #4  
Old 6th June 2005, 20:15
Rufus1
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Default Re: People telling me how I should get over my SA

I think its very interesting that a child says this out of ignorance as thats what happens when many adults say the same.Like"cheer up!"to someone with clinical depression.They have never experienced the crippling effects of SA so they see everything form their own point of view.Its natural and I suppose we all do, even on this board.

We can force ourselves to go out there and do things but I have found that unless you gradually improve and learn to totally ignore the regular setbacks then any humiliating or embarrassing new experiences actually do far more harm than good and sometimes stop you from ever trying again.

There's also the situation that getting to know people at all with SA is almost impossible to start with as very nervous people are not generally accepted into any new group.If you add in blushing,stuttering,sweating and freezing up then it really is a huge problem.
  #5  
Old 7th June 2005, 01:34
innerspace
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Default Re: People telling me how I should get over my SA

Considering you have SA you have done quite a lot with your life, Starchild.
This to my mind is a big achievement in itself. (Emote: beerchug)
What your friend says does actually have basis in truth, but unfortunately, when people offer those little pearls of wisdom they tend to fail to offer any viable ways to help you through your very real issues at the same time.

Trying to handle SA by yourself is a good thing in a way, because the bottom line is only we can get ourselves out of it.
The fly in the ointment here though is that many of us do actually need at least some kind of initial direction, understanding and advice to get the ball rolling. So your friend's advice falls well short of offering you those things.

Not relying on therapists and/or drugs is also another good piece of advice in theory, but in practice many of us may actually need a fair period of counselling, CBT or whatever helps us individually, to get the ball rolling and help us get to grips with our issues.

Relying on drugs is universally accepted as not an ideal thing to be doing, but many of us need them for some period of time in order to cope enough and feel well enough to make further efforts to deal with our SA.
I think that most people would agree that depending on therapists and/or drugs is not a good thing in the long run, but utilising these methods of help in the right way is not a bad thing in itself.

I know that family and friends often mean well when they give out their advice, but unfortunately they are more often than not, seeing your issue from a position of ignorance.
I don't mean that in an insulting way either, i just mean that they may think they know how you feel, and thus how to overcome how you feel, but in reality unless they have SA themselves then they really have no way of knowing your situation or how you feel about it.

If a person has never known SA, it's virtually impossible for them to comprehend how it makes a person feel and how it can affect their life. Generally speaking, people tend to see things only through their own perspective, thus they find it extremely difficult to understand another person's perspective and 'walk in their shoes'. This is why we often get 'advice' that is hopelessly unhelpful to us even though the people who give it out think they are being genuinely encouraging, insightful and constructive.

The funny thing is though ... if we had their mindset we wouldn't have SA. They see things in a different way, a way that doesn't see social interaction as threatening, so in a way we could learn a lot from them even if their advice is often hopelessly misguided when we hold it up to our own experiencing of life.

Mico pretty much covered my own feelings in his post.
Like i said before, Starchild. You have done a lot with your life despite your SA so i'd just suggest that you keep on doing more of the same. Just accept that anxiety may be with you to some extent, but carry on regardless and do what you want to do with your life. If we wait to be totally anxiety free we'll never do anything at all because that day will never come.

I try to take any advice in the spirit it was given to me. I mean most people are genuinely trying to help, but i understand that their limited knowledge of my issues means that their well meaning help could be virtually useless to me in practice. I do listen though, because i find that if i can take on board just one nugget of information that is actually relevant and helpful to me then i've learned something useful.



  #6  
Old 12th June 2005, 11:32
Fighter86
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Default Re: People telling me how I should get over my SA

hey, starchild, I must commend u 4 doing so much despite SA...

I think the problem with people is that they don really understand...in fact, many think that this is juz well, not a problem, more of an excuse created by us...at least this is wat I get all the time...

coz of this, I can't attend classes..& my dad thinks I made all this up cause I didn't want to attend school...so, my question is this: if I didn't wanna go school, I would simply have quitted, why 'invent' all these rubbish?

Oh well, wat I want to say is this- u indeed seemed to have done quite a lot despite SA, so if there is anything that u r interested in, juz go give it a try, push urself, but not too hard I would say...I mean u don want the pressure to lead to depression or bring on another set of problems...
  #7  
Old 13th June 2005, 00:22
deeshow
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Default Re: People telling me how I should get over my SA

Quote:
Quote: starchild at 10***58;02***58;16 Mon Jun 6 2005
Last week my son told me that I should just get out and do things. I have had SA most of my life and I have not lived a life of total isolation.I have :-
been to school
and to college
even tried university
I have been in employment
I worked in factories
on a farm
in offices
I have had so called "relationships"
but my SA was still there it prevented me from having real close relationships with others or from mingling with my work mates. My friend says I should try to handle my SA by myself and not rely ontherapists or drugs. Just what does he think I have been doing all these years?
Its interesting your son has made a mistake that many SA'ers themselves make. By using 'should' in his advice to you he is using an absolutionistic way of thinking. This means seeing everything as all or nothing, black or white. Its not a positive way of thinking as it is demanding and non rewarding to people who like us generally don't have much love for ourselves.

A much better way of thinking is 'desirable' thinking in which you say what you are doing to achieve your goals. This also involves looking at what you have done. And you have done absolutely loads! This is really positive because you are reinforcing your self esteem by stating your achievements which are pretty impressive for someone with SA.

Again your friend is voicing their opinion, but you don't agree because it seems ovbious that they don't fully comprehend the difficulties you have faced and overcome in your life. This brings up another important point that has helped me cope with criticism from people (I like and don't like). First question is how much do your value their opinion?
He is your friend so probably knows you pretty well but they're not an expert on therapy for SA so it could be you take their advice with a grain of salt. Its not that your are dismissing their input but trying to look at it in a balanced objective manner. Do they really know how bad your SA is? Or realise how much it has improved or not over a long period?

The same 'analysis' can be applied to your son's advice/criticism. It could be that he is partially correct and you can take some of his advice on board but maybe with some alterations so that things are seen from your perspectives and experiences.

I'd recommend CBT because the main aim is to provide guidance as opposed to a crutch so that you can change your thinking in order to affect your behaviour. The therapist isn't there to do it for you but merely pointing you in the right direction so you can do for yourself. In that respect I can understand your friends concerns because after all who wants to develop a dependence on drugs or therapy in order to get by in life? But with CBT if done properly the only thing you become dependent on is yourself.

If I sound like I'm preaching and am an overly enthusiastic promoter of CBT then I hope you'll weigh up my advice accordingly(Emote: smileyellow) But I've found it really helpful in only a short period of time (4 sessions).
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