Work and Social Anxiety

[ShyShy]

Long post alert!

Hi everyone so I have probably not used this forum since I was in my early
twenties I am now almost 40!! Scary! Anyway I worked really hard when I was younger so I thought to overcome my shyness and social anxiety issues and for a long time I seemed to be winning the battle. I had friends, gained confidence and was really clear about what i wanted to do career wise just needed a bit more confidence and support to execute.

But then life happened, I lost my mum and got into a relationship where he destroyed my confidence through cheating. I got completely disillusioned with my career and accepted a role much less than i was capable of because it seemed safe and at the time needed the money. What was meant to be a 1 yr contract turned into a 7yr segway in the wrong direction of my goals. Compeltely ruining my belief in myself and making me think that was all i could do.

I tried to leave this job for years but failed every interview. Then in 2019 I got an internal opportunity to work in a department more aligned with my true goals and finally i started to get my confidence back professionally though this turned out to still not be what i wanted and i stuggled fitting in the team, as the older you get being shy is not cute. People take it as rude or unfriendly. Anyway, covid happened and was made redundant go figure. Another blow but also a massive opportunity to really get back on track.

Then along comes my ex, im sidetracked again looking for love in all the wrong places. I get offered new job roles but as with the last one struggle to find my voice. My anxiety is high and stopping me confidently executing parts of my role. It gets to a point where i have to leave that job as was ruining my health. That was a year ago.

Im now in a new role which i thought would be perfect but same thing again. Reality is I am now here at almost 40 and this thing has come back with a vengeance and it's really affecting my work and ability to get paid. I guess you could say I have sort of coasted in my career for the past 15 yrs working in high profile companies in low responsibility roles so I haven't been challenged quite the way that I am now experiencing. The field I work in is highly competitive and fast paced and requires you to be a great communicator as you deal with lots of different departments, suppliers, clients etc.

From anyone looking from the outside I am successful, working in great companies and roles, seeming to be good at what I do and making decent money. But on the inside I feel like such a failure. I don't feel good at my job and totally feel like I'm faking it to make it every day. Except it feels as though now this is becoming evident to others around me. The older you get you can't get away with being sweet and nice and competent. You have to be able to deliver results and what I'm finding is I'm not able to because of my anxiety.

I should be senior or doing my own thing but I'm stuck in lower roles as bosses dont believe im capable because i dont believe im capable. I also find the office environment so overwhelming aswell. Everyone seems to be a type A look at me person and I'm the complete opposite. Then having to speak to clients in front of my team is terrifying. I don't feel like I can be myself or like I'm in a safe space. My colleagues think I'm super quiet, anti social and boring i imagine. I literally hate working there.

Personally my life is not much better alot of the friends I did have have moved away or started families and are too busy to meet up. I have a partner but it's a new relationship and still figuring it out. Just really at a loss as was never expecting to need to be back here. I really thought I had conquered this but it's making me almost unemployable. Like I don't even know what jobs to go for to get me out of my current situation. i recently had two interviews and got through to the 2nd round on both but i could tell my lack of personality in the interviews and inexperience in more leadership side of the role was the deciding factor. So im now stuck in this job i hate not knowing what to apply for as they all seem to be the same set up different comp.

Sorry for the long post but just needed to get that out as no one understands how someone can be almost 40 and not know how to speak to people or be themselves. Obviously I'm not like this all the time but it's like when I don't feel safe, or if I'm in an environment with bigger personalities I shrink and lose all personality. I just feel so useless right now as feels like my career is falling apart, my personal life is not any better and my boss is not happy with me and the atmosphere at work is awful. I've considered starting my own business which is my ultimate dream but it's like same thing i will need to be able to be confident and speak to people which i can do sometimes but the recent events have me seriously doubting myself again. Really don't know what to do right now any advice would be appreciated!

[SolitaryMan_91]

Hey ShyShy, welcome back, although I'm sure you'd rather things be going better.

Just letting you know I read your post. I can't really offer much advice but just wanted you to know I can relate to alot of what you're going through, not situation wise but anxiety wise and fitting in. I'm 32 and have zero confidence, can't get my personality across.

Anyway, hope you find the site useful and hopefully someone here can offer some helpful advice.

[gregarious_introvert]

Firstly, welcome back, ShyShy - and I hope your new relationship works out for you.

Somewhere in the middle of all that, you describe yourself as a "failure", but all I can see is success: despite having difficulties in life, you have managed to remain in work in reasonable roles (my issues restricted me to menial roles and I never managed to keep a job longer than two years, it's now been 12 years since I was last employed), so the fact that you have been able to remain in employment in itself is commendable.

I can understand how your friends moving away and starting families would impact on your life - I wasn't able to make friends at all until I was in my 50s and those I have found live at least 150 miles away and have families, so I see them very rarely; perhaps it's that lack of social contact (especially as you've had it in the past) which is causing you to focus on what you see as a lack of success in your career? Do you have anywhere near you where you can meet like-minded people (a group relating to your interests, or meetup perhaps)? Have you considered explaining to your colleagues why you're quiet? Is your new partner supportive?

It seems to me that you're doing better than you think, but you are clearly a goal-orientated person and it can be disheartening not to achieve your goals; perhaps you can adjust them to something more achievable, then set another goal later (so you move towards it step by step, instead of having something which looks so far away that it's discouraging)? Try to focus on what you have achieved, rather than what you haven't and perhaps things will seem a little more positive.

[ShyShy]

Thank you @SolitaryMan91 appreciate you reading my loooong post and yeah it's tough out here. The hardest thing is when you know it's possible to get on the other side of this but find yourself stuck in old patterns. Wishing you all the best with your situation. I'm sure you have an amazing personality when you are around the right people. Just need to find them

Good luck!

[Rocket Spud]

Hi, ShyShy

There's a fair bit i personally relate to in this post being of similar age, especially the 'not being able to hide behind youth no more' sentiment. Unlike you i'm not and have never been career driven and i think that's helped me in many ways - being frustrated and pressured isn't something i've needed more of in my life! My advice (unsurprisingly) is maybe to step away from the career stance and settle for something less challenging with where you're at right now and reassess again in 12-18 months time or something.. ? Maybe you'll feel recharged with a fresh perspective and you'll have focused on your relationship and/or social life in the meantime gaining new confidence.

[ShyShy]

Thanks @gregariuos introvert! It's true I have been through alot and should try and be proud of how far I've come. Just tough when current work situation so challenging. In terms of being goal oriented I guess I had a picture of where I wanted to be and at one point was very close to getting there but I let other people take me off track. My partner doesn't see me in this light at all. Infact the opposite. I guess I've gotten good at masking alot of my anxiety. I have shared it with him but not to the extent that it is. He thinks it's more a public speaking thing.

I could never tell my colleagues I feel like they would just ridicule me even more haha! I do still have some friends but it's not the way it was and hard to meet new people when I work so much. It takes alot of my time but I know I need to push myself to do more of this and yes the lack of social support is making the whole situation seem worse than it is. Like at least of one area of life felt settled I could probably cope.

Sorry to hear you haven't been able to stay in work previously. Am sure if there is something you really wanted to do you would be able to do it. If you found a passion of some sort. Even helping others maybe thats your calling as you gave me some solid advice and you can definitely be paid for that . It's never to late to start over that's one thing I do know. Wishing you all the best!

@rocketspud yes I guess my career has been a big part of my identity up till now. But you are totally right it's not worth the stress and I have thought about doing something that might be less stressful but it's also not wanting to earn less as I have no one to rely on to pay my bills lol. Can't really afford to lose income but would love a career break so I can focus on my real life again and reset the compass! Thanks for the advice and yes things definitely change with age in how your anxiety is perceived! Hope your situation improves.

[gregarious_introvert]

Originally Posted by ShyShy

Am sure if there is something you really wanted to do you would be able to do it. If you found a passion of some sort. Even helping others maybe thats your calling as you gave me some solid advice and you can definitely be paid for that . It's never to late to start over that's one thing I do know. Wishing you all the best!

Thanks for that, ShyShy. I do have a passion (well two -travel and live music) and I do pursue them, just not for reward. To be honest, I've found more security since I've been told that I'm not fit for work (I had a mental breakdown in the Jobcentre) and put on benefits - and I'm now five years from retirement age. Thank you for your kind comments though, it's nice to know that my advice is useful sometimes (over the years, this forum has really helped me and I hope that it can help others too).

[Rocket Spud]

Ah, yes, money. Sorry, it did cross my mind that you may not be able to 'step away' so easily but you didn't mention finances so i just assumed it wasn't a factor My fault..

[ShyShy]

@gregarious introvert good to know you are in a good place with where you are at. That's the main thing that you are happy with your choices and your advice is definitely helpul so thanks again!

And no worries @rocketspud. Needing income is the only reason I'm still there lol!

[Percy]

Welcome back ShyShy.

[ShyShy]

Thanks Percy

[MissKatie]

Welcome back ShyShy!

I think a few of us came back after many years. I'm 40 next year myself and was here back in my late teens.

Feels to me like you're doing an amazing job at work but just can't give yourself enough credit for your wins yet. That does take time, but you'll get there

[Laurel]

sounds like imposter syndrome. Whats frustrating is books and advice about it is poor.

[ShyShy]

Thanks both! Yes imposter syndrome is at a high which has stopped me progressing. But im also not doing good in my role right now. So burnt out from it all. Working crazy hours and the standards have slipped. My work friends have left due to the toxic environment and my boss is very aware I've been applying for new roles so literally watching my every move like a hawk. Not fun.