Being insulted on the street

[wjfox]

Is it any wonder I developed Social Anxiety - when there are such nasty, aggressive, insensitive, downright obnoxious pricks you have to deal with in public?

It's been a while since this last happened, but I was insulted earlier today, whilst taking a stroll down Oxford Street. This pair of rough-looking men in their late 20s came walking towards me. One looked about 6' 8" tall and was built like an ogre. As he lumbered towards me, I began to feel slightly intimidated (even though I'm quite tall myself, at 6' 1").

I put my head down and moved out of his path. He probably sensed the nervous vibe I gave off, through body language or whatever. He then called me a "poof" as we passed each other. I was listening to music on my earphones at the time, but still heard him say it.

Immediately afterward, I felt indescribably angry. I wanted to turn round and shout something back at him - but by the time I'd thought of what to say, it was too late and he'd disappeared into the crowd.

What is it with people like this? I'm not even gay, btw. Not that it even matters.

In the past, I would just have accepted these kind of insults, and meekly let people walk all over me. But in recent years, I've been developing a real desire to answer back, to stand up for myself, and let people know they can't go around saying shit like this.

So anyway, it was more a feeling of anger than anxiety, which I had following this incident. I carried on to the HMV store and walked around slowly, trying to calm myself down and think positive/happier thoughts. After a few minutes I felt better, and walked slowly back to my office.

From now on, I will simply refuse to let people like these get me down. They don't know me, they don't know anything about my life, or the difficulties I've been through, or anything. Their insults mean nothing and are totally unjustified. I have a wonderful family, friends and people who love me, and plenty of good things in my life - I don't need the faulty judgments and insults of some random stranger. Frankly, they can get stuffed.

[Phool]

There is something truly horrendous about Oxford Street and central London generally where people seem to lose all sense of right and wrong and behave like total idiots.
Well done for having the "stuff it" attitude which has been my mood for the past few days as the tube commuters have really got on my nerves.

[black_mamba]

As SAers we might give off more of a nervous vibe than others, which does make us slightly more vulnerable to these sorts of attacks. In turn, it might validate our feelings of "deserving" such ridicule. Utter bullshit of course.

Last year, although I was much more confident in myself socially, only one street harassment incident stood out. I was spat at by a chav on the way home from work. Normally I would've been obsessing over it for days, wondering what I did wrong to "deserve" such an attack. That day, although I was fuming for an hour, I forgot about it and it was never thought of again. That was something new and nice, to be able to forget about something so quickly...

Truth was that the same kids harass EVERYONE. They are indiscriminate. THEY are the ones with the problem. THEY are the ones who are insecure.

Good for you wjfox for ignoring it. Responding in anger is what they want, what these losers NEED to feel good about themselves. How messed up is that?!

Don't let the f-ckers win! :D

[HardRockGlamour]

I hope one day I will think nothing of it, forget it seconds later, like some people seem to do... I'd like to give them a really nasty, patronizing look with my eyebrows raised to the roof lol, but as I am I could never do that, one, I walk around with my head down and my back hunched and if I heard anything my body language would just worsen, two, I'd be afraid of getting followed and attacked. I kind of picture people who shout abuse/mutter insults as being quick to turn it into something nasty if you stick up for yourself in any way, possibly with a knife. Perhaps I need to get that out of my head :hmmm: perhaps it's more likely they'd just look surprised and stumped?

Anyway good for you, don't let them win, they are just assholes at the end of the day.

[HardRockGlamour]

Originally Posted by hux

he said very little after that....i spent the entire journey convinced that as soon as we got to manchester, he and his mates would batter me but it didn't happen....i spent the rest of the night shaking and wanting to hit something but i was please with the way i stood up to him - they usually back down when you make it clear you're willing to fight (which i was)

That's the thing... I hear stories, like on the radio, something just like that but the guy was followed and got beaten pretty badly... Those stories stick in my head.

[Alex652]

If I ever see some 'undesirables' coming the other way, I keep my head up and try my best to feel confident. I'm nervous inside of course, but I just pretend to be confident.

Obviously they might pick on you as well if you are too confident, (i.e. if you stare at them or something). So basically, keep your head up and pretend they're not there.

I've noticed that people tended to pick on me when I kept my head down, but now nothing seems to happen. Maybe thats a co-incidence or something, but it seems to work.
Obviously not everyone who looks 'undesireable' is an idiot, some of them can be the nicest people lol, but I just keep my head up in case.

And even if some moron does say something, I usually just tell myself I'm so much better than them, because I am.

Although, pretending to be confident can sometimes be easier said than done of course.

[Reanimations]

Unfortunately london is full of them people -_- and i know they've made me worse. i bet it has with alot of people.
There just ignorant idiots.

[danielv]

until someone stands up to them.... they'll keep doing it.

[ciderman]

Dont let them bother you too much.They are just scum one day they will pay.
Soon i hope.

[kastra]

I used to get this a lot, due to dressing quite 'alternative' most of the time, but I learned to not let it bother me. It helps me having some comebacks prepared, like idiots used to take the piss out of me on the bus for reading books and I'd say 'at least I know how to read'.

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by wjfox

I put my head down and moved out of his path. He probably sensed the nervous vibe I gave off, through body language or whatever.

they only do it to people that they feel they could get away with. which means women, and also some men.

I've heard of this stuff happening alot to people as SAUK, i guess i am fortunate that it doesn't happen to me. but tbh if it did, i'm the sort of person who would probably make something of it. perhaps they sence that, i dunno. but if these sorts of things happened to me, i'd access the situation as to how likely it was to turn into a fight if i retaliated, and if it were to turn into a fight do i think i could take him/them.

if there is a group of them and they look quite dodgy/hard, i doubt i would take action. but perhaps they think i'm the sort of guy who has lots of hard friends or something so they don't bother me?

if i see a group of those sorts of people coming my way or hanging around on the street, i just keep calm and composed. make sure my body language does not look insequre. i tend to look to the side of them, not at them. and i just act like they are not there ...and i've never seem to have any trouble with them.

i think it is especially cowardly if men are doing this sort of stuff to women as they know the woman probably isn't going to be able to do much


actually i have only had one incident and it was about 2 years ago, some mini chavs down the street from me started terrorizing the negbouhood. the ringleader was about 11 and a right larey git. one time i saw him on a wall, he saw me, stuck his two fingers up at me and then immediately looked down and refused to look back. then each time i saw him after that he was pushing things just a little bit further. one time he deliberately brushed his dirty ink hands on me but he did it in a way that it looked like an accident. i looked at my clothes and none of it had rubbed off. i was debating what to do about this kid. he looked 11. that's too young to give him a good smack. if he had been a bit older like 14 i would have probably squared upto him ..as around that age you have grown big enough to receive a good smack imo.

so one time i saw him by himself sitting on a wall. he saw me. i just looked at him, and kept looking at him. there was obvious tension and after a few seconds he nodded to alleviate it, ...i nodded back but i still kept a stern face. since i gave him that look i never had any more trouble from him again, he has even given me a friendly wave a few times since when he saw me.

what happened was that the stern look must of made him somewhat fearful so he stopped giving me shit. tbh i had seen him giving shit to alot of people in the area, little chavs are just like big chavs in that they'll only do things to people they think they can get away with things on.

[Effervescing Elephant]

Although this doesn't happen to me often nowadays I find it impossible to stop it hurting when it does happen. There's a big gap between what I feel- pain and shame- and what I can reason out.

The other day, for instance, I just stepped out of the station when I heard a shout. I looked 'round to see a car with tinted windows full of teenagers. They yelled out "fat 'ead" at me.

I've done CBT and I tried to do all the things they tell you. The kids probably DID yell at the first person to walk out of the station, it WAS a completely generic (and unimaginative) insult, they felt safe in a group and inside their car and any one of them wouldn't have said a word to me on their own. They probably ARE immature and will grow out of it.

This didn't make it hurt even one tiny bit less, which you may think is pathetic.

That moment dug up all the misery of the playground from a quarter of a century ago.

Trying to stop the feelings of hurt and shame I felt like a man standing on a railway line trying to stop an express train by holding out his arm. He hasn't got a chance.

Attempting to rationalise my feelings feels a bit like being the same guy going to the gym to get in shape and put on some muscle. Does he now have a chance of stopping that train?

Not a hope

[wd40mk17.4]

I remember I used to get a fair amount of abuse on the street.

And yet last 2 years or so, nothing at all

And I examined why this was perhaps changing and the only thing I could think of was, that I was no longer skinny ( im huge now ) and I had a permanent "dont mess with me" scowl on my face when I walk around.

Guess being fat does have its benefits!, nobody seems to want to mess!

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by wjfox

I put my head down and moved out of his path. He probably sensed the nervous vibe I gave off, through body language or whatever. He then called me a "poof" as we passed each other. I was listening to music on my earphones at the time, but still heard him say it.

Absolutely he did. He's a bully. You say the guy was massive so he's used to intimidating people. Probably any sign that he can get away with abuse he'll do it.

You shouldn't answer back because you could end up in all sorts of trouble. Just make sure next time you see someone who you feel intimidated by that you will really try and force yourself to not look away instantly and don't look down at the floor, look back toward where you were heading. And only move as much as you would for any person walking towards you. Try and maintain a nonchalant look on your face.

It's hard to do and it won't happen straight away but over time it will become more natural to you. And each time you try it you'll feel better about yourself and more empowered.

[wd40mk17.4]

Originally Posted by CaveGirl

That wasn't true in my ex's case.
He put lots of weight on and was targeted by some low class type teens who thought he was easy pickings .
Glasses and a suit might have influenced their decision to start shouting abuse.
I still remember that day like it was yesterday as I really thought he'd end up killing them

I guess theres different types of 'fat'
In the way you walk, the way you look, I just felt that as I bulked up, people were less likely to think I was easy pickings, maybe it helped that I do dress quite chavvy, and have quite a confrontational attitude sometimes.

[wd40mk17.4]

Originally Posted by diplodocus

Absolutely he did. He's a bully. You say the guy was massive so he's used to intimidating people. Probably any sign that he can get away with abuse he'll do it.

You shouldn't answer back because you could end up in all sorts of trouble. Just make sure next time you see someone who you feel intimidated by that you will really try and force yourself to not look away instantly and don't look down at the floor, look back toward where you were heading. And only move as much as you would for any person walking towards you. Try and maintain a nonchalant look on your face.

It's hard to do and it won't happen straight away but over time it will become more natural to you. And each time you try it you'll feel better about yourself and more empowered.

When I walk past people I'm scared of, my body goes all wobbly and I do look down at the floor, I feel like Im walking like such a weirdo, but people have told me that isnt the case its in my head, but the one thing that is real, is that I DO Look at the floor,
I'm really trying to change this automatic reaction, cos its such a submissive gesture, but its hard to change a physical reaction like that.

Eye movement is such a big thing, people can tell your eye movement from a surprising distance away, and it says a lot about your character just by how long you maintain eye contact before looking away, too long? your asking for a fight,
too short? your a weakling,
its real tightrope deal, but I try really hard to glance at tough looking people, hold it for one second and then look at something else like it was holding my attention, like they arent a big deal.
seems to work.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by wd40mk17.4

but I try really hard to glance at tough looking people, hold it for one second and then look at something else like it was holding my attention, like they arent a big deal.
seems to work.

Yes I think it does work because the other persons perception is all that really determines what happens next. They then don't feel any power over you and don't try anything. So you feel better about the encounter and more confident in behaving that way next time and so on. So the saying 'fake it till you make it' is true I think.

[xTKsaucex]

Back at high school my nickname was Potter - look at profile pic, I personally can't see it but whatever - anyhoo, when someone I don't know calls me it I do actually become annoyed, even though it is my nickname, two fairly built idiots said it to me and all I said back out of anger was "your hilarious, I wish I was you" behind their backs. Mutual dislike with mutual hatred.

[nessa456]

I sometimes try to imagine what it must be like to be so pathetic that the only thing you can think of to say is something insulting about a complete stranger - how empty does your brain have to be for that to be all that's worth talking about to the person you're with?? What does it say about the other person for hanging around to listen to it??

It's a complete lack of intelligence being loudly broadcast to the world.
If I was that lacking in ideas for conversation I'd be ashamed. My brain just cannot compute the barren wilderness of soullessness that your life must be to find stuff like that even remotely entertaining!

[danielv]

Originally Posted by wjfox

One looked about 6' 8" tall and was built like an ogre.

surprised a guy like that had the need to prove something to himself.

[Mr Ploppy]

I'd list this as a major trigger for me

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by danielv

surprised a guy like that had the need to prove something to himself.

I bet he is actually a bit mentally wet. He probably gets psyched out too easily by anyone who offers him proper resistance and has had a few beats just because sharks can smell weakness and see a big guy like him as a nice high value target. So he has to buoy up his fragile ego by picking on people he thinks he can bully without consequence. Just cos your big doesn't mean you can fight or you have mental toughness. And more than likely he just gets a kick out of imtimidating people when and where he can, which is probably reinforced by his peer group's admiration.

[danielv]

Originally Posted by diplodocus

I bet he is actually a bit mentally wet. He probably gets psyched out too easily by anyone who offers him proper resistance and has had a few beats just because sharks can smell weakness and see a big guy like him as a nice high value target. So he has to buoy up his fragile ego by picking on people he thinks he can bully without consequence. Just cos your big doesn't mean you can fight.

yeh with you there

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by Effervescing Elephant

I've done CBT and I tried to do all the things they tell you. The kids probably DID yell at the first person to walk out of the station, it WAS a completely generic (and unimaginative) insult, they felt safe in a group and inside their car and any one of them wouldn't have said a word to me on their own. They probably ARE immature and will grow out of it.

This didn't make it hurt even one tiny bit less, which you may think is pathetic.

It always stings a bit, I find, no matter how much I rationalise the insult. It takes practice, but after a while the hurt does get less and less the more you believe that these people are not picking on you specifically and that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you to deserve such an attack.

Another thing is that this would piss anyone off, regardless of SA, so it's not neccessarily a sign that you are not doing something right in terms of applying CBT technique (which is the impression I get from you when I read the phrase "which you may think is pathetic").

You are not pathetic, but these bullies definitely are.

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by wd40mk17.4

In the way you walk, the way you look, I just felt that as I bulked up, people were less likely to think I was easy pickings, maybe it helped that I do dress quite chavvy, and have quite a confrontational attitude sometimes.

there's fat - as in fat/flabby/overweight
and there's also hench fat - as in the guy is overweight but he also looks fairly strong or formidable.


you're right in that these guys are looking for easy pickings. so if you are kinda hench they are less likely to try anything

[Medea]

I hadn't had anything for a long time but the other day some teenagers were shouting stuff at me as I walked past tescos. It wasn't pleasant and reminded me of times gone by, but there are bullies everywhere and they all hide behind things, be it a group of other people or a computer screen.

[R1chy]

With me each time is like the first time, my mind won't desensitise to it. An old woman said something horrible to me last night at the supermarket and I felt down for ages.

[nessa456]

Originally Posted by R1chy

With me each time is like the first time, my mind won't desensitise to it. An old woman said something horrible to me last night at the supermarket and I felt down for ages.

What did she say?

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by R1chy

With me each time is like the first time, my mind won't desensitise to it. An old woman said something horrible to me last night at the supermarket and I felt down for ages.

Ever thought about saying stuff back?

[Nikkos]

I would go F***ing mental, if someone that's not a child insulted me on the street its happened in the past and normally ends up with me offering then to come down a ally way with me, Tho once found out one guy i offered down a ally had stabbed his best friend and misses to death with a knife and he's always carrying kinda made me take a step back.

Like other's have said people sense when your nervous, looking down and avioding eye contact is a bad move as it shows your easy pickings, when am feeling nervous i always questions myself and make a point to look them in the eye and think to my self what can they really do to me as am up for it anyway.

Tho it gets annoying feeling that other's think you're a bam or something and if you don't prove them wrong they will think your weak.